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  #791  
Old 02-11-2011, 06:04 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
PN seems to be in the background of your life now. As far as I know his love, sex, romance, any time spent with you is nearly non-existent. Derby is a LDR. Then Mono came rolling into your life. On his motorcycle, covered in tattoos, attractive and different. NRE hits you both big time.

2 years have gone by, something is still missing for you. You try to fill the gap with play parties, burlesque, dating Leo and flirting and feeling pretty, enjoying sexually teasing him and his friends. Women's groups, constant posting on this board, etc etc. But something is still missing.

No sooner did Mono get comfortably ensconced in your house, builds a staircase for you to walk down, you cheat on him (your words), "lose your mind" and go too far with Leo.

And knowing your past as a slut who let men use her for their own needs, then cry about it later, I'd say this is similar, a further way to compensate for something missing in yourself, as you said.

You seem aware of this, but don't know what to do to grow beyond this need for constant busyness and yet another new lover... Feedback here helps a little, I'm sure, but have you considered weekly therapy?
BWAAAHAHAHAHA! This made me laugh so hard at work my co-workers actually asked what the fuck? They know I write on a forum, but have no idea to what extent or what it is even about and I had a brief moment where I thought I might fill them in and then realized how much I would have to say and just ended up saying, "oh nothing, just a text."

Wow, I forget that the written word can be powerful! Your post and others here today have been very enlightening. I must remember to tone down what I say or something, or perhaps everyone reading can realize that my life is not all drama...

In fact it is mostly consistent of being handed a coffee in the morning, getting dressed, putting make up on, getting my boys last stuff ready, driving PN and LB to work and school, listening to Owl city every freakin morning () as its LB's favourite, talking to Mono on my way to work, texting Derby and Leo when I get there, and doing my job. After work consists of coffee with Mono, picking up the boy, making supper, cleaning up, showering, preparing LB for his next school day, writing on here or doing something else and going back to bed... that's about it.

I really had to laugh at the movie like quality of your post Magdyln. It's really not that dramatic. My life is not all doom and gloom and no one is getting overly crazy. It all is rather humdrum for the most part, most of the time.

Therapy may be a good idea... as I am indeed FUCKED... at least the trailer to this movie seems to indicate that. Ha!

(This is sarcasm here folks... I am trying to be funny...)

You were mentioning that some of what is going on for my you relate to Magdyln... I would like to know what you relate to and how you have made your decisions and conducted your life in a manner that works for you.
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  #792  
Old 02-11-2011, 06:05 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I just wanted to point out the similarities in the struggles Mono and CeleryPerhaps are dealing with right now, as I was surprised that you added to that thread without noting that.
I did actually, but thought others had covered it and didn't want to make the thread about me and Mono. This forum is riddled with examples of what we are going through... it always has. There isn't much that I can't relate to certain times of my life... this is now and there are others struggling with monopoly crap too. I'm sure their lives are just as dramaticly confusing and frustrating... we just happen to be more known and perhaps more open; willing to take a beating for the good of others. Well, speaking for myself any how.

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
As for you, my dear RP, it seems you are now being confronted by a pattern of yours, and this is a gift. Look, we all devise strategies for living at a very early age, to get what we want, which usually boils down to love and being accepted, appreciated. We repeat these patterns over and over again, because our brains are like computers and keep playing the same program, but we can't be free of them until we recognize them.When we see what we're doing, we now have choices we didn't know we had before. This is an incredible opportunity!
you bet! PN and I have spent a good deal of time talking, researching and for him, writing about this very thing. We do indeed play the same shit out over and over... I definitely see patterns and feel the same emotions over and over again and have noticed this... this time I broke the cycle, which is why I was so proud... I didn't go further into sexual intimacy with Leo! That was huge for me! Mono had taught me a lot about my self worth in terms of my sexuality. I shouldn't say he has taught me, he has pointed out that I have worth and made me look at it by being who he is. I have written enough about this on this forum though and don't need to repeat it I don't think. Its easy enough to find examples of what I have learned about myself by reading about my reactions to casual sex last year.

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
What tugged at me in one of your posts was when you said you disgust yourself. Such a strong word, strong judgment. If you can somehow extricate yourself from the emotions and look in a somewhat "scientific" way at how you operate, I think it will be easier to have compassion for your self. Just look and see what you do, not judge what you do. Y'know, kinda like, "Oh, is that what I do? Huh." Eventually you get to a point where you feel some response rise up in you and you say, "Oh, wait a minute, old pattern, don't need to go there." It's just about becoming aware, being alive in the present, and being gentle with the knowledge we gain, not beating ourselves up for what we now learn about ourselves.
very good point and words to live by. Thanks for the reminder. Some of these thoughts are fleeting... the disgust one comes and goes and is "put" on my by my conditioning. I don't believe it in my gut. I believe it from the outside world. I know that and remind myself of that... I sometimes put that on Mono, but he has never said it... I believe he thinks it, but he always denies it.

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I'm not saying not to feel, or not to deal with the emotions that rise up in your process, nor am I saying that you shouldn't take a hard and critical look at things, but to try and find a balance where you don't treat or view yourself so harshly if you find yourself stuck in a familiar pattern again. Therapy might be a good idea.
Thank you for what you write. I am a work in progress and am being as gentle and kind to myself as I can, while looking at myself with as much compassionate criticism as I can. Therapy might follow if I don't make progress. Today I am hopeful as I have had some sign that I made some good choices... talking with PN, who is wise, grounded, brief and enlightening with these kinds of things has helped.

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Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
I'm wondering if you might be feeling trapped subconsciously. I know it wasn't even your intention to live in the same house as PN when you married. Maybe it has something to do with having too many people around who you have to check in with before being able to authentically just be in the moment. I've said before that to me you're like a beautiful bird; and as a bird you need that freedom to fly. I know that Mono recognizes that in you too.
I think you are right about this Derby. I do feel trapped sometimes. I have for years and perhaps always will. It seems to be in my nature to need complete freedom yet be completely connected and in deep with people. The two often don't go hand in hand. PN is the only one that has ever worked with and although we are a good match, it isn't perfection. No one is ever in anyone's life though. I know that.

Balance is good between my needs and others; as is privacy, to be free in my head and actions, and be trusted. That doesn't always happen with people I love, but I seem to do best with that. I don't expect everyone to be able to trust me in my intentions and discovery of the world and my place in it. I expect them to love me regardless of my needs and that isn't always possible or fair and considerate of their needs.. as is evident, is it not

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
"Polyamory is less about how many people you're having sex with, feeling love for, or both, than it is about allowing love (not lust) to lead us into whatever form is appropriate."
(page x)
Yes in deed. I wish it were simple to achieve. Actually I don't as it would not be as rich and fulfilling once achievement is reached

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Here is one thing I see in my life with my wife, that may have some merit of looking at. The constant and relentless pursuit of happiness instead of recognizing it and loving it and living it.
Thanks dinged. I am very happy with what I have... very. I don't require more to be happy. I require freedom to be myself and space to figure out what that means. All that comes from within in the end I am thinking and I am taking on the task of finding out how this might work in my life. I have no idea where I will end up with it as it is deeply rooted in me that time and space are not an option in my life. I am a caregiver... I suck at me stuff in this way. It will be a long haul, but it began with my room.

BTW, I have never been a collector of stuff. Stuff comes in my house either cheap, or free and if something comes in, I must send something out to the thrift store. I hate stuff. If I have stuff then I have to take care of it and I get tied down... again with the freedom thing


Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
PN doesn't come here and post anymore, so we don't get to read his side of the equation, unfortunately. However, from what RP has written recently, he does seem to outsiders to have faded a bit from her life in a number of ways.

RP, I have a sense that PN's not really into drama, so he probably wouldn't want to get involved in this discussion, but I am wondering how this issue effects him. You said somewhere (sorry, not sure which thread) that you and Mono have been fighting, yelling, etc. I picture PN as a real easygoing guy, but at some point, that shit's gotta annoy him, and impact on his relating to you both, sense of peace and sanctuary in his own home, and the dynamic between all of you. Do you think there is any point at which you will all need to sit down as a family and discuss what's going on and how everyone, including LB, is affected by it? Not that PN would make a decision about how you and Mono conduct your relationship, but I'm just wondering about communication across the board among all people who are living together and how it works in a dynamic such as yours. Do you think a pow-wow among all of you would help?
I hope I have included PN enough in my posts tonight. Poor guy, I do leave him out quite often don't I? I guess because we are so routined and so drama free right now. What goes on between us is boring in comparison to Mono and I besides, you all know Mono and Derby, which makes it easy to talk about them...

Here is the website that PN writes... this is what he does with his time.

http://www.therealizedself.com/

Mono and I don't fight in front of the others.. we don't seem to have a need to let it spill over. Interesting, because PN and I fight together in front of EVERYONE. LB gets disturbed by it and often asks us not to... we haven't fought in a while though... I hope that doesn't mean it's coming! Geesh, I've had enough!

We talk openly and honestly in our house about everything as soon as it is possible to. PN and LB have glimpses daily of what I or Mono or both of us are going through... I talk about it and fill them in and just say where we are at in our process. Tonight I talked about Leo with PN as he is friendly with his wife and asked that he know the struggle that Leo is having in order to support his wife. He now sees why I made the decision I did to back away and not engage Leo in anything intimately closer. He backed my up because of the information I gave him... not because of his concern about our boundaries together. He thought me wise to take some space and not get overly involved. I appreciated that he supported me this way and he said he would email her and see how she is... maybe hang out with her some time soon.
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  #793  
Old 02-11-2011, 11:22 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Hi RP,

If I may I have a question which I hope ties in with bits of what you have written last few posts....the thing is I don't really understand your internal conflict..what is so bad for you about being poly fi ?
See to me it is like you honour someone when you become intimate with them and commit to them...we often in life meet other people who are attractive outside our relationships, it is nice to let them in a certain amount, but not everyone has to get to go the full way.
An old adage: Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should

Oh yep Magdlyn's post...i admit she she made it sound dramatic..but telling us about the mundane ennui doesn't get you completely off the hook dear...Mags kinda just boiled it down and distilled it.
Anyway I guess you have been on the ropes and pumelled enough for one day...I have more time tomorrow I might write something about myself...some strange things have been happening in my Vee lately..sharpen your weapons..
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  #794  
Old 02-11-2011, 03:29 PM
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Poly fi to me is like being in a monogamous relationship only with 3 people. There is nothing wrong with that at all except that I am not monogamous. This what it feels like to me. I know others don't feel like that and that is fine. Everyone thinks differently and has different requirements. I have never been comfortable with the term as it pertains to myself that's all. Its not a good descriptive word for me. I had no intention of limiting my love to a certain number. It just turned out that way. I now am taking on the possibility that I can love and keep it non sexual. I was doing fine with that and will get back to that. That is my choice. Not ideal for me, but I chose it that way in order to respect Mono's bouindaries. A man that I want to have in my life for a long time.

Yes a loving tribe of people was and is my goal in my relationship life, but I never intended it to be closed. I was willing to close certain aspects in order to have Mono in my life. At least try that. Its proving to be difficult. Time will tell if I can and am still willing to do what I stive for. I am closing aspects of myself to be closer to him.

Yes to give of yourself sexually is an honour. Being given to is an honour also. Restricting who I give to is not my ideal. Commitment to someone does not and has not equated fidelity to me. There is so much more to give and expand on.

Leo and I have been close friends for over two years and have come to this place through much connection already. He isn't some guy I met last week on a dating site. Our lives are merged in some ways already. The kind of closeness we have is committed to each other in some way. I am committed to his well being, I have invested in him. That to me equates being worthy of more than other men in my life. I have other men in my life. I go on regular coffee dates with two other men. I have no desire to fuck them. I have not invested more than just chat, debate and a back and forth support. With Leo it has gone into more closeness. A line in my heart has been crossed. I now need to figure out how to express that suitably. He could be okay with that or move on in frustration. I don't know.

Yes I realize some of the truth to what mags said. There is a balance there though. I am not all that is portrayed. My real life is far more toned down. As is anyones on here I'm sure.
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  #795  
Old 02-13-2011, 08:00 AM
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Slowed life down to a near halt these days. Still recouping and adjusting and thinking and figuring and discussing and sleeping...

This shit is exhausting.

I have some stuff figured out, but I won't figure it all out. Time is all that is needed for doors to open, others to close and life to unfold as it should.

Derby was here today. PN and her and the kids had a good time it seemed and I loved coming home from being out with Mono to her being here. It completed my day.

I had a moment tonight when I remembered my old life. I went out to get some milk for tomorrow morning.... (yup life is slow when I do that on a saturday night!) and sat in the car for a second before coming in. I used to go out on my own on Saturday nights. Used to go down town dancing on my own. After numerous nights in after PN going to bed I discovered that I could have a date night with him and then have a night to do what I wanted also... I loved that time. I wanted so badly to find someone to share that time with and now I have that. Mono is down stairs also on the forum and I love that we can just hang out whenever... yet I am not. Because I am doing my alone thing

I spent some time reflecting and some time just being and some time with PN and now I will go down stairs to kiss my Mono good night before I tuck myself in beside PN...

Life is good at this moment... it always comes around doesn't it?
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Old 02-13-2011, 08:04 AM
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now I will go down stairs to kiss my Mono good night before I tuck myself in beside PN...
WOOHOO!!!! Happy dance time
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  #797  
Old 02-13-2011, 07:40 PM
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I thought you were happy about how life has slowed down Mono. Ha! that too no doubt.

Off to the big city on the main land for the night. Visiting some poly friends there and staying with my brother and his girlfriend... she is the boss lady from here on in. I have to just let it go as we clash horns big time if I don't.
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Old 02-16-2011, 01:26 AM
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Started thinking about the up coming camping season. Wouldn't you know PN has decided to go to a workshop the first weekend we usually go with Leo and his family. I wrote a group email to see where we are at with it all.

Its kind of sinking in for Leo. We went from conversations about feelings and closeness to how the weather has been. Deep thoughts to no conversation at all. I asked if he was okay and he said he didn't want to cross a line. Sighhh.
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Old 02-17-2011, 08:12 AM
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I finally got everything I needed to say to Leo out in one long email. I told him all that has gone on and let him know that the decisions I made were what I thought would be best for all. I told him he had ever right to ask that the decision change... he is a player in this after all, I thought it only fair.

When I got a response it was as expected. He wants things to be as they were and for us to leave it all alone. He would prefer that we carry on as was until there is cause to change anything.

There is lots of things to sort out when bridges need to be crossed later, but for now it's a done deal and there is nothing more to report.

On other notes, I had a really nice gift from Derby this week. She made me a vest to wear to burlesque. I love it! I can't wait to wear it! It's tailored but has sparkly blue edges

I got flowers and cards and a nice dinner this week. I'm a content woman for sure. I gave cards out myself with sewn hearts in them and words of love for all my loves. Even LB got a card on his pillow telling him I love him more... our little inside joke.

I had an amazing trip with LB this past weekend. We are great travelling buddies. I can see that we will be set when he gets older and we can plan trips together. If he wants to go with his old mum that is

He is a great kid. Thoughtful, easy going, excited about everything, asks intelligent and interesting questions. I love his knack for memorizing names of places and bits of information to tell people he thinks would be interested.

My only complaint is that it was not a long trip... next time maybe.

I haven't been communicating well with PN due to my feelings of lack of control over my life and he and I have been working on that. he is so patient with me. I have gone over my NVC skills and reminded myself of them... also offered some insight as to what is going on for me and how I am working it out and that has helped... still, I feel far from perfect these days and it makes me depressed.

I really don't have much to say these days. I have been spending lots more time on my own contemplating rain drops, looking at spring flowers come up. I have sat in the car a few times un-eager to get out and come in the house. One time I sat at the parking lot of the grocery store. Such as it is when one is processing I guess.

On the whole things are good I guess. I am getting my strength back and on the outside life is back to normal. On the inside I have a lot of stuff to do. As does anyone really... I am no different. I find it hard though to do the work I need to do and be considerate of my loves.. this is the final balancing act for me and I am hoping I can work something out.
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Old 02-19-2011, 09:38 AM
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I had an amazing trip with LB this past weekend. We are great travelling buddies. I can see that we will be set when he gets older and we can plan trips together. If he wants to go with his old mum that is

He is a great kid. Thoughtful, easy going, excited about everything, asks intelligent and interesting questions. I love his knack for memorizing names of places and bits of information to tell people he thinks would be interested.

My only complaint is that it was not a long trip... next time maybe.
I love this !
The world's most wonderful simple pleasure, chatting with one's child slowly whilst travelling...

Plan a longer trip I think
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