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  #781  
Old 02-10-2011, 08:03 AM
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I went and saw Leo tonight at his work. I took LB to see his new puppy. It was an okay visit. He looked tired and sad, but I am convinced it was to do with his health more than to do with me... I asked if we could spend some time chatting about what was going on in my life in regards to Mono and I and he said he would if I would. I told him that I didn't need to until we meet again, but if he is concerned then I could. He said that if I say he shouldn't be concerned then he won't be... so we agreed not to meet. He was glad of that as there is too much going on for him and he is totally overwhelmed by other things.

I was glad to at least tell him that something has been going on and offer him the opportunity to talk. Little does he know how much this has rocked our lives... but then does he really need to know? He is fine with whatever as long as we get to go camping still and he isn't banned from seeing me. He thought that is what would happen.
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  #782  
Old 02-10-2011, 08:18 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I can just imagine Mags and NYCindie rolling their eyes at being called girls HA!
[girlish giggle]

"I Enjoy Being a Girl"
from Flower Drum Song

I'm a girl, and by me that's only great!
I am proud that my silhouette is curvy,
That I walk with a sweet and girlish gait
With my hips kind of swivelly and swervy.

I adore being dressed in something frilly
When my date comes to get me at my place.
Out I go with my Joe or John or Billy,
Like a filly who is ready for the race!

When I have a brand new hairdo
With my eyelashes all in curl,
I float as the clouds on air do,
I enjoy being a girl!

When men say I'm cute and funny
And my teeth aren't teeth, but pearl,
I just lap it up like honey
I enjoy being a girl!

I flip when a fellow sends me flowers,
I drool over dresses made of lace,
I talk on the telephone for hours
With a pound and a half of cream upon my face!

I'm strictly a female female
And my future I hope will be
In the home of a brave and free male
Who'll enjoy being a guy having a girl... like... me.

When men say I'm sweet as candy
As around in a dance we whirl,
It goes to my head like brandy,
I enjoy being a girl!

When someone with eyes that smoulder
Says he loves ev'ry silken curl
That falls on my iv'ry shoulder,
I enjoy being a girl!

When I hear the compliment'ry whistle
That greets my bikini by the sea,
I turn and I glower and I bristle,
But I'm happy to know the whistle's meant for me!

I'm strictly a female female
And my future I hope will be
In the home of a brave and free male
Who'll enjoy being a guy having a girl... like... me.
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  #783  
Old 02-10-2011, 10:25 AM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Thanks Vodkafan.

I had my astrological chart done again the other day by a friend who told me that I really need to look at a few things... the biggest thing that stood out was that I don't spend enough time loving and getting to know myself.

I am good at lots of things and have the ability to help many, but if I don't work on the relationship I have with myself I will always be stumped. I decided that was a noble path to investigate further and have decided that when I get pangs of "needing" others to fulfill me that I am going to consciously look inward and try and find it within.

Not an easy task for someone who is surrounded by people easily and readily. I have no trouble finding friends and loves... I have a hard time finding the friend and love in me... I end up sabotaging good friendships and love relationships because I don't look inward and put stuff on others.

Working on it
It sounds as though you & LR are having the same problem, only worded differently. She is learning to be her own Primary and it sounds like you are headed down the same path . It's always a good path when we learn that we CAN be OK even when we aren't surrounded by other people.

Lots of hard work is ahead of you, but then life IS full of hard work. Good luck and lots and lots of hugs!
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  #784  
Old 02-10-2011, 04:01 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post

I refused because I was afraid, hurt, in pain and not ready. I am ready now to hear what others say. Please feel free to say what you feel is best for me on my blog...

Please understand by my previous post that I am looking at all other options as to what is going on for me in my life first. I am looking at the "why" I feel I would like to have more with Leo rather than just pushing the issue. I feel disgust with myself that is deep rooted in something to do with my self worth and nothing to do with Mono. I have spent much time separating the two, me and Mono... and have decided that there is things for me to look at before taking Mono's compromise and seeing if it will work for me... his talk of his compromise is his own... nothing to do with me...
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post

.. I am finding that this is all way past my vulnerable safe spot lately and I am throwing total caution to the wind as I really need help. I appreciate that I am being challenged and given to in such a huge way. No one knows but me how meaningful that is to me.

... I don't spend enough time loving and getting to know myself.

...if I don't work on the relationship I have with myself I will always be stumped. I decided that was a noble path to investigate further and have decided that when I get pangs of "needing" others to fulfil me that I am going to consciously look inward and try and find it within.

Not an easy task for someone who is surrounded by people easily and readily. I have no trouble finding friends and loves... I have a hard time finding the friend and love in me... I end up sabbotaging good friendships and love relationships because I don't look inward and put stuff on others.
There you go. That's what the deal is.

PN seems to be in the background of your life now. As far as I know his love, sex, romance, any time spent with you is nearly non-existent. Derby is a LDR. Then Mono came rolling into your life. On his motorcycle, covered in tattoos, attractive and different. NRE hits you both big time.

2 years have gone by, something is still missing for you. You try to fill the gap with play parties, burlesque, dating Leo and flirting and feeling pretty, enjoying sexually teasing him and his friends. Women's groups, constant posting on this board, etc etc. But something is still missing.

No sooner did Mono get comfortably ensconced in your house, builds a staircase for you to walk down, you cheat on him (your words), "lose your mind" and go too far with Leo.

And knowing your past as a slut who let men use her for their own needs, then cry about it later, I'd say this is similar, a further way to compensate for something missing in yourself, as you said.

You seem aware of this, but don't know what to do to grow beyond this need for constant busyness and yet another new lover... Feedback here helps a little, I'm sure, but have you considered weekly therapy?
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me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #785  
Old 02-10-2011, 05:39 PM
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Hi Redpepper. I am glad and relieved that you found my posts relevant and helpful.

On another, unrelated thread (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=65755) by a new member, CeleryPerhaps (love these names people think up!), it seems that he is going through a very similar thing in his relationship that Mono is with yours. You contributed there. But Preciselove wrote:

Quote:
Originally Posted by preciselove View Post
It feels worse I'm guessing because the first guy was being "replaced" by you in your mind when you met her. So you feel like the victor since she chose you "most recently" . Now after having met you and been with you she has found someone else. In a way it's part of that feeling like "I wasn't enough for her", which obviously you aren't, because she's into open poly.
This is what I was trying to tell Mono when I talked about the potential for Leo to eclipse him in your relationships. I just wanted to point out the similarities in the struggles Mono and CeleryPerhaps are dealing with right now, as I was surprised that you added to that thread without noting that.

As for you, my dear RP, it seems you are now being confronted by a pattern of yours, and this is a gift. Look, we all devise strategies for living at a very early age, to get what we want, which usually boils down to love and being accepted, appreciated. We repeat these patterns over and over again, because our brains are like computers and keep playing the same program, but we can't be free of them until we recognize them.

When we see what we're doing, we now have choices we didn't know we had before. This is an incredible opportunity! Because until we look at them and make other choices for our behavior, it's like letting a five year old drive a car -- y'know, letting those strategies and decisions we made at a very young age about how to be in the world continue to dictate how we run our lives now as adults. That is usually the root of recurring patterns. And what happens when you don't look at them? The kid crashes the car.

What tugged at me in one of your posts was when you said you disgust yourself. Such a strong word, strong judgment. If you can somehow extricate yourself from the emotions and look in a somewhat "scientific" way at how you operate, I think it will be easier to have compassion for your self. Just look and see what you do, not judge what you do. Y'know, kinda like, "Oh, is that what I do? Huh." Eventually you get to a point where you feel some response rise up in you and you say, "Oh, wait a minute, old pattern, don't need to go there." It's just about becoming aware, being alive in the present, and being gentle with the knowledge we gain, not beating ourselves up for what we now learn about ourselves.

I'm not saying not to feel, or not to deal with the emotions that rise up in your process, nor am I saying that you shouldn't take a hard and critical look at things, but to try and find a balance where you don't treat or view yourself so harshly if you find yourself stuck in a familiar pattern again. Therapy might be a good idea.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-10-2011 at 09:15 PM.
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  #786  
Old 02-10-2011, 06:27 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post

PN seems to be in the background of your life now. As far as I know his love, sex, romance, any time spent with you is nearly non-existent. Derby is a LDR. Then Mono came rolling into your life. On his motorcycle, covered in tattoos, attractive and different. NRE hits you both big time.
Just to be clear RP and I are not long distance. There are time constraints as we are both busy moms but we are about 15 minutes apart distance wise. Plus timeline wise RP and Mono had been together for a year before RP and I started dating. Just want the facts to be correct. I don't want to speak to her and PN's relationship other than to say it's far from empty and meaningless as you seem to have portrayed it above.

Quote:
2 years have gone by, something is still missing for you. You try to fill the gap with play parties, burlesque, dating Leo and flirting and feeling pretty, enjoying sexually teasing him and his friends. Women's groups, constant posting on this board, etc etc. But something is still missing.

No sooner did Mono get comfortably ensconced in your house, builds a staircase for you to walk down, you cheat on him (your words), "lose your mind" and go too far with Leo.
I had a similar thought yesterday that this has all come to a head since Mono has moved into the suite. I'm wondering if you might be feeling trapped subconsciously. I know it wasn't even your intention to live in the same house as PN when you married. Maybe it has something to do with having too many people around who you have to check in with before being able to authentically just be in the moment. I've said before that to me you're like a beautiful bird; and as a bird you need that freedom to fly. I know that Mono recognizes that in you too.
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  #787  
Old 02-10-2011, 08:18 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is online now
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Originally Posted by Breathesgirl View Post
It sounds as though you & LR are having the same problem, only worded differently. She is learning to be her own Primary and it sounds like you are headed down the same path . It's always a good path when we learn that we CAN be OK even when we aren't surrounded by other people.

Lots of hard work is ahead of you, but then life IS full of hard work. Good luck and lots and lots of hugs!
I have to say-I was thinking the same thing as I was reading along.

I just got the book, "Polyamory in the 21st Century" by Deborah Anapol.

In the intro is this tidbit I found helpful this week:

"The form of the relationship is no so important, they would say. The form can change at any time. What counts is allowing love to dictate the form rather than attempting to force love into whatever mold the mind has decided is right. It took me years to fully understand the wisdom they were imparting, so I suppose it's not surprising that I've found that this concept is the hardest thign to get across to people. Polyamory is less about how many people you're having sex with, feeling lover for, or both than it is about allowing love (not lust) to lead us into whatever form is appropriate."
(page x)
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  #788  
Old 02-10-2011, 08:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
I had a similar thought yesterday that this has all come to a head since Mono has moved into the suite. I'm wondering if you might be feeling trapped subconsciously. I know it wasn't even your intention to live in the same house as PN when you married. Maybe it has something to do with having too many people around who you have to check in with before being able to authentically just be in the moment. I've said before that to me you're like a beautiful bird; and as a bird you need that freedom to fly. I know that Mono recognizes that in you too.
I know I struggle with this. I am forever coming across my desperate need for some autonomous space-and not finding it. ;(

RP-
hugs. Lots of hugs. I thought of you last night as we watched Burlesque.
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  #789  
Old 02-10-2011, 08:35 PM
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hi Rp

Here is one thing I see in my life with my wife, that may have some merit of looking at. The constant and relentless pursuit of happiness instead of recognizing it and loving it and living it. In her case it is/was the need have a newer, bigger, more stylish thing. At My first home which she moved into after we got married she needed a new kitchen.... not unreasonable...the reason she didn't cook was the conditions of that work space. 40grand later she still doesn't cook and then she needs bigger house..... yup got bigger house... had a sedan needs empowered feeling of suv... got suv ... went into mid life crisis need sporty expensive European sports car that has 4 inch of ground clearance.... thats just off the top of my head..

I could give other examples in personal relationships and other areas but you get the idea. I've asked many times to what end with the constant pushing for change for change sake. The answer I got was "that's the way I'm wired or that's who I am." Nothing to the core of the issue.

Just thought of 2 more examples.... Boat had to have one.. I bought 28ft day cruiser. She loved to go for rides but once at the dock.... see ya later ...I had to point out that this is a very expensive 3 time a year activity... Traded the boat for the vacation home which was the next new fad. Its like a kid with a Christmas present. After a certain amount of time the novelty wears off.

I hope this my help with what your going through at least you seem to be able to look at the core issue or issues... I commend you for that and all the help you provide others and I thank you.
Good luck D
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  #790  
Old 02-10-2011, 11:18 PM
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I don't want to speak to her and PN's relationship other than to say it's far from empty and meaningless as you seem to have portrayed it above.
PN doesn't come here and post anymore, so we don't get to read his side of the equation, unfortunately. However, from what RP has written recently, he does seem to outsiders to have faded a bit from her life in a number of ways.

RP, I have a sense that PN's not really into drama, so he probably wouldn't want to get involved in this discussion, but I am wondering how this issue effects him. You said somewhere (sorry, not sure which thread) that you and Mono have been fighting, yelling, etc. I picture PN as a real easygoing guy, but at some point, that shit's gotta annoy him, and impact on his relating to you both, sense of peace and sanctuary in his own home, and the dynamic between all of you. Do you think there is any point at which you will all need to sit down as a family and discuss what's going on and how everyone, including LB, is affected by it? Not that PN would make a decision about how you and Mono conduct your relationship, but I'm just wondering about communication across the board among all people who are living together and how it works in a dynamic such as yours. Do you think a pow-wow among all of you would help?
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-10-2011 at 11:46 PM.
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