Redpepper's journey

Gawd, I'm so sick of myself. How can I expect other people to enjoy my company when I don't enjoy it myself? I don't want to hang out with anyone right now. I don't even want to hear from people. Thankfully, most people don't talk to me unless I reach out to them.

I'm not the best company. I don't feel particularly worthy or special in any way. I just feel like it's an obligation to spend time with me and that people put in their time.

I'm not telling any of this to Mono. Maybe one day he will read this, but by then it will have passed, so, whatever. The expression on his face and what he says sometimes makes me realise he wishes he could run. I know how he feels, yet I am standing firm that I am not going anywhere.

Tomorrow they are having a coffee date in the evening. I was asked if this was okay. How can one answer that? No = I am a controlling bitch who gets to say what happens when, yes = I don't care about you, do what you want. I feel like I am the bad guy in all this right now.
 
Tomorrow they are having a coffee date in the evening. I was asked if this is okay. How can one answer that? No = I am a controlling bitch who gets to say what happens when, yes = I don't care about you, do what you want. I feel like I am the bad guy in all this right now.

It's fine to say: "I'm NOT okay with this, but I know that's unreasonable, so go have a nice chat. However, I might need some extra time together (or something else) when you get home."

I truly sympathize with you on this. I've been through watching my husband develop a close relationship with another lady and because there was no sex involved, he couldn't see how I viewed this as a threat. I would say that there does need to be some boundaries (circumstance appropriate of course) put in place and treat this lady as if she was a g/f.
 
I haven't logged on here for a while but I wanted to send you hugs and some thoughts.

I wondered if you might still be grieving the loss of Leo? I only raise it because I see some similarities in some of what you write with what I have been feeling since my Dad died in January.

At first, there was the funeral to get through and all the upset immediately before and after his death. But by now I had expected to be fine again - and I'm not.

My moods are not settled. I can be happy, hopeful and upbeat one minute and in the next, really down and feel like everything is hopeless. It seems to be part of grieving.

This may or may not help but I'm finding that making sure I have plenty of time to myself is useful. And balancing that with spending time with close friends and my SO doing different things.

Anyway - hugs. Horrible to be dealing with a breach of trust also.

IP
 
I'm not the best company. I don't feel particularly worthy or special in any way. I just feel like its an obligation to spend time with me and that people put in their time.
.

Just so you know this isn't true. I enjoy spending time with you, happy you, sad you, excited you and hurting you. You ARE special even if you're not feeling it right now.
 
It's fine to say: "I'm NOT okay with this, but I know that's unreasonable, so go have a nice chat. However, I might need some extra time together (or something else) when you get home."

I truly sympathize with you on this. I've been through watching my husband develop a close relationship with another lady and because there was no sex involved, he couldn't see how I viewed this as a threat. I would say that there does need to be some boundaries (circumstance appropriate of course) put in place and treat this lady as if she was a g/f.

Me three, lol. He honestly couldn't see what the problem was. "Well, you know I'm not going anywhere, and it's not like we're doing anything, so..."

It took a lot for me to not shake him.
 
Tonight Mono talked to PN about what has been going on for him. I noted that in hearing the story from both of them that the underlying theme at the moment is that everything has changed. I don't know if it has. I guess time will tell.

I haven't found my "letting it all go" button. I hope its not broken.
LOL! Those buttons tend to come and go in terms of working, at will. So be patient, even if its broken today, it may be working again shortly. :)

I'm glad that they talked too. They needed to do that. PN and LB need to know that this is a moment that needs gone through, but not the end of the world.

Gaud I'm so sick of myself.

I'm not the best company. I don't feel particularly worthy or special in any way. I just feel like its an obligation to spend time with me and that people put in their time.


Tomorrow they are having a coffee date in the evening. I was asked if this is okay. How can one answer that? No = I am a controlling bitch who gets to say what happens when, yes = I don't care about you, do what you want. I feel like I am the bad guy in all this right now.

It doesn't work that way sweetie. As Derby said-people who care about you, and I know that there are many of us who do, are happy to be around you in happiness and in sadness etc. It's ok to express your feelings. They don't have to always be good feelings!

I completely get you on the date thing. That question makes me NUTS! It's been one of the arguments for Maca and I several times. There is NO right answer to that question, because either I screw myself directly or I screw myself indirectly.
I happen to agree with SNeacail on this one, having gone through it SO MANY TIMES, Im a firm believer in telling the other person no I'm not ok with it right now,but I'm also not sure that's fair or reasonable, so I want you to go, do what you need to do and then come home and cuddle with me while I get my head around what's going on inside me.

It's fine to say: "I'm NOT okay with this, but I know that's unreasonable, so go have a nice chat. However, I might need some extra time together (or something else) when you get home."
YES YES YES

Just so you know this isn't true. I enjoy spending time with you, happy you, sad you, excited you and hurting you. You ARE special even if you're not feeling it right now.
YES YES YES
 
That whole coming home thing is more of a conundrum. In my head it plays out like, "Fuck off and leave me alone, you bastard, for not loving me and only me. I don't know where you have been and what you have done, and for all I know you have no feelings for me at all and are just placating me," to, "Please hold me tight and tell me you love me and always will. Tell me you love only me and that this was all a dream and we can go back to normal." I don't know how people get through this kind of thing with any kind of self esteem and sense of self worth left.

We had a lovely night last night of no talking and processing, just closeness. Strained closeness, but closeness just the same. I felt his love for me and even if there was doubt and pain in his eyes, I at least knew he loved me.

My struggle is to not allow the doubt and lack of trust to seep in. I hear him say he is not going to take this relationship with her anywhere. I hear that they will just be friends and just work out how that will be, because he doesn't want more and is moving further away from feeling that kind of bond the way it was (mostly because of the upheaval this has caused, not because it isn't there), but I am confused about what will happen. I am trying to live in the moment and not take what he says as him deciding that he is poly or monogamous, just that, in this circumstance, he is not able, willing or wanting to go forward with a romantic relationship with her. What does it mean to decide to only have a romantic connection with one person and shove away all the other notions that come up? I want confirmation of what our future will be. But of course that is impossible and not rational.

I don't get why, in his mind, he has become so free with me being able to date others. He says that it's confirmed for him now that other men are not a threat anymore. How? Does that mean he cares less? He can let me go now because he doesn't love me as much or care how connected we are any more? I'm so confused.
 
Or it could be that he's closer to understanding loving more than one, because he is experiencing it. Maybe now he *gets* it?
 
Or it could be that he's closer to understanding loving more than one, because he is experiencing it. Maybe now he *gets* it?

I thought this and that maybe he is seeing your reaction from this whole situation he realizes how important he and your relationship are to you. Maybe other men aren't a threat anymore because it is obvious that despite (or because of depending on the perspective) the other people in your life, you cherish what you have with him.

I've never commented on your blog before, but it makes me sad how down on yourself you are getting, and like many others before I just want to say that I'm sure you two will work it out. People and perspectives change, and despite being adamant about how/who he is, maybe Mono isn't as mono as he thought.
 
I'm trying to live in the moment today, with no thought of what happened, or could happen, just right here and right now. This is usually my poly coping strategy. I sometimes lose it and freak out when I think of what my life must look like, but today I am consciously pulling it together. It's been a week of upheaval, and I am ready to balance my plates again.

Last night Mono came back from his coffee date on top of the world. It was hard to see, but I did feel some compersion and was pleased he was happy. He told me all that happened and details of what they talked about. He started his trek towards having integrity with me successfully, because he seems to have behaved as he said he would and with the intentions he said he would have. I put no rules or boundaries on anything and he considered how I would feel the whole time and acted from that place of "If I do this, will I be able to tell RP about it later?" It was my suggestion and it seemed to work for him.

I heard from my dating friend last night while Mono was gone. He asked if I would be his gf. I was startled, as it came via text, so I suggested we talk on the phone. He agreed it wasn't the best timing. ;) I was flattered and honoured and yes, excited by the idea of having him in my life like that. We went over what that would mean to me, as I don't subscribe to primary/secondary values and as he is new to poly and has a wife and child, I fear being put in that role again. It's not one I want, nor will accept again. I also let him know that he would need to meet all my loves, spend some time getting them used to that idea and that I am in no rush to take more on. Tomorrow our families will meet at a local family fair and parade. It will be a start, at least.
 
That is what he keeps saying.... that he has experienced it.

Right. And from what you've mentioned here, he's also been caught off guard by the discovery of what has always seemed to be something he was incapable of. Everybody's unearthing things, and shifting. It never comes without discomfort and pain though.


I thought this and that maybe he is seeing your reaction from this whole situation he realizes how important he and your relationship are to you. Maybe other men aren't a threat anymore because it is obvious that despite (or because of depending on the perspective) the other people in your life, you cherish what you have with him.

I've never commented on your blog before, but it makes me sad how down on yourself you are getting, and like many others before I just want to say that I'm sure you two will work it out. People and perspectives change, and despite being adamant about how/who he is, maybe Mono isn't as mono as he thought.

Me too! I wish you would give yourself more credit Red. Sometimes we don't react in ways we assumed we would. Just gotta process and work through it and come out on the other side.


I'm trying to live in the moment today. No thought of what happened, or what could happen, just right here and right now. Its usually my poly coping strategy and I sometimes lose it and freak out when I think of what my life must look like, but today I am consciously pulling it together. Its been a week of uphevel and I am ready to balance my plates again.

Last night Mono came back from his coffee date on top of the world. It was hard to see, but I did feel some compersion and was pleased he was happy. He told me all that happened and details of what they talked about. He started his trek towards having integrity with me successfully because he seems to have behaved as he said he would and with the intentions he said he would have. I put no rules or boundaries on anything and he considered how I would feel the whole time and acted from that place of "if I do this will I be able to tell RP about it later." It was my suggestion and it seems to work for him.

I heard from my dating friend last night while Mono was gone. He asked if I would be his gf. I was startled as it came via text, so I suggested we talk on the phone. He agreed it wasn't the best timing ;) I was flattered and honoured and yes, excited by the idea of having him in my life like that. We went over what that would mean to me as I don't subscribe to primary/secondary values and as he is new to poly and has a wife and child, I fear being put in that role again. Its not one I want or will accept again. I also let him know that he would need to meet all my loves, spend some time getting them used to that idea and that I am in no rush to take more on. Tomorrow our families meet at a local family fair and parade. It will be a start at least.

See?! You were very capable before the coffee date, and you still were afterwards. With all the upheaval I still see you guys making it, for sure. A huge change is not always a bad thing.
 
Kiss to LR. :)

Well, we seem to be getting into a familiar routine. It goes something like this; I live in the moment, feel like everything is normal, get about my own life and recognise my autonomy as I did before. Then time passes and I wonder what's going on and catch a bit of traction that makes the tires of my mind spin out.

PN calls it rumination, like chewing on something. To me its like a car spinning out. I find something that I can not let go of, so I go to Mono, ask him about it (already agitated), he gives me an answer that leads me to realise where I have been blind or kept in the dark and I lash out with accusations and judgement. He gets angry and closes down and I storm away. After a time I humbly go back, head lowered and feeling sheepish and vulnerable and apologise, looking for affirmation and reassurance and loving acceptance of who I am.

I feel like a child. He comes off as cold in his hurt and resentment of my attitude and I feel further from him. Somehow, if I badger him, we get to a place where I get my need for closeness met. Usually its bittersweet though, because I feel like whiney child looking for attention.

Last night I asked him what she had texted today. He told me her husband was asking why he hadn't texted and she had said she misses his texts. I snapped and said something along the lines of his not ever being present for the last months because he had spent his time texting her and he just looked sad and resentful. We managed to get to a place where I would use better communication skills (come on RP, you know this stuff!) and tell him that I "feel" as if he wasn't present with me at a time when we were together because he was texting her. He agreed to be patient and ask me to rephrase what I say to reflect feelings.

Last night was a bit of a turning point for me. Because Mono is set on me having my freedom however I want it, he comes across as backing away at a time when I need reassurance and his attention. This, on top of the scenario I mentioned above, adds insult to injury, and I feel further from him. It makes me feel like I am not his priority when he acts like that. So for me to ask him to make me a priority over her seems hopeless and the opposite of what he really wants.

He also needs his space in order to figure stuff out, adding more distance at a time when I feel very vulnerable, like I am fucking up my communication and am coming across as overly emotional to a bunch of people who don't seem as invested in communicating or showing their emotions (military?).

If I were in her position I would back away and suggest he deal with his home life and that a friendship can be worked on later. As far as I know, she doesn't know the implications of her presence in my life, and so carries on as if there is nothing going on. When he doesn't text as much I wonder if she wonders if it's because he's done with her, or because she is causing a rift, or because he used her at a time he was struggling. (The latter is what Mono thinks is happening.)


In any case, she would likely discover that she is having an effect more than he is letting on. I would think that she would be concerned about that. To me, it seems as if I am not his priority and that losing her friendship overrides his priority to me. It's more important he present things as if all is well, than letting on that things are rough right now. I don't know if its true, but it's part of the treadmill I get on, part of the "spinning out."

All of this keeps us from being close and moving forward. Not to mention, I feel really rushed to "get over it," as she is leaving this weekend for three months. I am rushing myself. I feel his resentment that this is happening and I am trying to wrap it up for him so he can be with her before she goes.

He says it's gotten way out of control and that it's been made a bigger deal than it needed to be, and that on one hand makes me think I should take it all less seriously. It also makes me think that maybe I should've been left in the dark until he got over her. On the other hand, he might not have, and might have cheated again, as much as he did on his wife. More spinning...
 
Can't rush the process or yourself Red (but you know that). Just stay with it. Try to narrow the focus a bit and brake hard. You keep spinning, you'll find things that aren't even there.
 
Wow, I haven't read in quite awhile and I am so sad for what you are going through. I don't know if anyone has mentioned this, but the TEXTING game can get out of control! It is the channel by which the other woman became a primary, where that was never supposed to happen. We had other problems that I was in denial over, but I just wanted to put in my 2 cents here. Hugs.
 
Thank you Carma and Arrowbound. :)

We had a really nice night, quietly watching a documentary, eating together and then did some of our own thing together. I did some painting in the new space we set up as my studio, and Mono took apart some computers. It was nice to sit and enjoy being near. We talked to ourselves and occasionally each other and checked our phones now and then, awkwardly. ;) It was a relaxed and much needed quiet evening.

I have been continuing to see the other men in my life and went on a friendly date this week with someone who has been in my life for awhile. It was interesting to try on the idea of something more, but really, our friendship means more to me.

My new friend came over this weekend and we all hung out in the front yard while I worked on the van washing it and making sure it ran. I washed it with Mono's and LB's help and now it's ready to have adventures. PN put up tents to see which one he would take on an upcoming trip. We all chatted and joked around while we did our projects. It was a lot of fun.

The day before that, my dating friend came over with his wife and three year old, to meet everyone and watch a local parade. Everyone seemed to get along okay. Mono said he liked the family's energy and didn't find it strained at all. PN seemed to like them also. He and my friend have writing in common.

Last week, my dating friend asked if we could be bf/gf. It was bad timing to ask, but the possibility is there. He is a lovely man and we are very alike. We think the same way about emotions and relationship dynamics. It just needs some time yet.

Derby and the kids and I all went to a local fair after the parade and my new friend came with us. It was an exhausting day, but we had a lot of fun. :)
 
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