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  #681  
Old 01-25-2011, 02:39 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Originally Posted by gemini View Post
i think that is pretty well said. sex can be just sex and little if anything is lost. love is love. if the flower is love and all that is being shared with others is sex, that the flower is still just as special as it was when it was first given to you.
Ah. Don't agree. The flower is both, really. Or to be specific: sexual love. Because love can be in many different forms, which are all OK; but if you are giving sex to everybody then how special is it? I can see now that my analogy is not going to fit everybody. Because swingers would not agree with it for a start. Some people can easily separate sex and love. I forgot that. For my wife and I, we both think they are intertwined; she could not have sex with someone she had no loving feelings for.
Back to the drawing board...
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  #682  
Old 01-25-2011, 02:56 AM
gemini gemini is offline
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it's a painting that works for some and not others. just like relationships. i guess it boils down to if a person can have sex without feelings or visa versa
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  #683  
Old 01-25-2011, 05:36 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Is this idea of condition of monogamy is this supported by the mental health community. .

I believe in two types of people who identify as monogamous; those that live it essentially because that is all they know and see around them and those that actually only form one romantically loving relationship at a time. I describe my own state of maintaining singular romantic connections as being "wired monogamously".

I'm not a big fan of what any individual or community says about the internal workings of any other human being's heart outside of their own, so I don't usually look for external validation of my personal beliefs.

I believe all emotions are valid and important so I don't pay attention to anyone who considers things like jealousy or fear to be lower functions.

Hope I answered your question
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  #684  
Old 01-25-2011, 05:42 AM
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Originally Posted by vodkafan View Post
Redpepper, here is how I would feel as the mono in such a situation as you are facing. Note I am NOT trying to say this is how (your) mono thinks and feels; but it is definitely how I would think and feel.
Please bear with my possibly childish analogy; you will see where it is going.
HA! awesomeness vodkafan, that is totally how he thinks.
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  #685  
Old 01-25-2011, 05:48 AM
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Originally Posted by vodkafan View Post
It is just that I can see that her flower is no longer very special at all, because she wants to give it to so many people. It is not worth very much.
Hi Vodkafan, let me just say that the simplicity in your post made me smile out of genuine humour That being said, and I know this could be stepping on a landmine, I agree with you. I've brought up the comic/stamp collector analogy before. The limited circulation editions have value...the ones that every one can get thier hands on are just fun to look at or spend some time reading...but there's no investment.

BUT, many stamps and comics are so valuable that even though more people have them they are still of great value. When you find one of those you share in its' value with others and can even develop a group appreciation for what an amazing gift you all have.
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  #686  
Old 01-25-2011, 05:48 AM
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HA! awesomeness vodkafan, that is totally how he thinks.
your way of seeing things is why I came around to not having casual sex any more... I see things quite differently now. I don't give my flower away to just anyone. Quite the contrary... now I tease them with it while on stage doing burlesque actually, not as often as I wish..

I love that sexual energy and thrive on it. When someone comes along that is worth my giving too and being returned to then I don't see it as my giving my flower away too often and to too many. Mine is a private garden for many to share. I have always been an extrovert after all. My garden is at least private though That I am confident is right for me. There are several gardeners that tend it and it is happy, growing and loveily. Sometimes I need extra pruning and admiring...

This is seriously making me howl I love it. You are so cute vodkafan, I have always had a soft spot for you and your wit.

Thank you for making me laugh and taking the chance to tell me your thoughts in our PM's and here on my blog... it means a lot to me
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  #687  
Old 01-25-2011, 06:00 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Mine is a private garden for many to share . . . There are several gardeners that tend it and it is happy, growing and loveily. Sometimes I need extra pruning and admiring...
I love this!
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  #688  
Old 01-25-2011, 09:08 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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You are so cute vodkafan, I have always had a soft spot for you and your wit.
I also cook.
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  #689  
Old 01-25-2011, 11:32 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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" I don't usually look for external validation of my personal beliefs"

I'll study how to quote at some point...

I think this is a very important sentence.

Once you start looking for external validation....it can be a rocky path to moving away from your own personal values. Once you look elsewhere, you are telling yourself that you don't trust your own judgement.

It can be like there are 2 versions of you. If the outside version is looking for validation externally, the outside person is telling the inside person that their thoughts aren't the priority....that they won't be listened to above other influences

It is always important to take guidance from others...but it's a really fine line. It's very important that the actions of the outside person are being respectful of the inside person. I think this is really crucial...and it doesn't matter if the topic is sex or what to eat for dinner.

I think it's really important to develop trust in your decision making process, and this requires a very deep faith in your value system.
I find that when I put a lot of work into studying my values....decisions become very easy.

We need to validate ourselves is the point I'm trying to make
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  #690  
Old 01-25-2011, 04:29 PM
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RP, I haven't read your blog for a few weeks. I just caught up. Very interesting discussion of poly-fi.

Since I am genderqueer and pansexual (and maybe for other reasons having to do with patriarchal societies and customs making men the owner of women), I truly don't get where a male partner is OK with his female partner having female lovers, but not male ones.

I'm gathering that Mono doesn't want you to have sex with Leo for these reasons. He feels more threatened by you having another male lover, than a female one. Am I correct in perceiving that he'd be OK with you having sex with another woman (not Derby, but yet another woman), but not OK with you having sex with another man (besides your husband)?

Is this why you haven't had sex with Leo? Is this hampering your relationship with Leo? Because you say you are content with being his "trophy:" a good looking, well dressed woman he can show off to his friends. This sounds kinda off to me... Why is it OK with you, to be a trophy, admired just for your physical presence? It sounds a bit dehumanizing to me. Or, otoh, is it in line with your interest in burlesque performance, teasing others with your sexuality, since you aren't "allowed" to actually share it?
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