Redpepper's journey

[SNeacail]

Every decission we make in life, marriage, children, school, career, etc. requires change and compromise. Even when the pluses outway the minuses, we still find that we miss or long for the things we willingly chose to give up or compromise on.

When we get married we give up a lot of the control we once had, we loose privacy, the laundry has doubled and we have to use a bathroom after someone forgot to put the seat back down. I challange anyone to tell me they have never spent some time wondering/wishing they were single again, no matter how much they may love their spouse. Of course, eventually we realize that the sacrafice is worth all the compromises and we find some way to re-gain a balance.

[Derbylicious]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

You used my real name Now everyone knows who I am

Because the picture of your face when you post here isn't a give away as to who you are If they don't know your face they aren't going to know who you are from your first name!

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Derbylicious

Because the picture of your face when you post here isn't a give away as to who you are

What I thought I was being so sneaky!

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by SNeacail

Every decission we make in life, marriage, children, school, career, etc. requires change and compromise. Even when the pluses outway the minuses, we still find that we miss or long for the things we willingly chose to give up or compromise on.

When we get married we give up a lot of the control we once had, we loose privacy, the laundry has doubled and we have to use a bathroom after someone forgot to put the seat back down. I challange anyone to tell me they have never spent some time wondering/wishing they were single again, no matter how much they may love their spouse. Of course, eventually we realize that the sacrafice is worth all the compromises and we find some way to re-gain a balance.

thanks, this makes a lot of sense and kind of defuses my mind a bit... appreciated

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by redpepper

thanks, this makes a lot of sense and kind of defuses my mind a bit... appreciated

Your welcome! Glad it made sense.

[dingedheart]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

A lot of people have a hard time understanding that some people want to live their life with a philosophy of intimate freedom. Usually that is because they are inclined or conditioned for monogamy so anything else seems wrong. I understand the opinion and think it is valid in plenty of cases of what I consider artificial polyamory (where one partner merely keeps an existing relationship going for security and comfort but doesn't actually "love" them).

I also know this is not the case in many other cases. Some people are inherently selfish and others are inherently loving. You are an inherently loving person.

Opinions and ideas get skewed by our own thinking. For example, lots of poly people associate my boundaries with a fear of losing you or insecurities relating to sexuality. This opinion is understandable and logical in the community we live in..and yet completely wrong and inapplicable to how I feel. This is only a problem if I choose to engage in debates over it. I have no need to engage in debates over irrelevant ideas of why I am a certain way and this frustrates people because they don't believe what I say. Fair enough...I just don't bother, not everyone has to understand.

I admittedly suffer from this frustration in trying to understand the need of people to take every relationship to the area of physical intimacy or even to have that potential freedom. I don't question it though or look for "why it is wrong"..I simply accept it without understanding and try to give as much of myself as I can with genuine purity. Knowing when that is healthy and when I am unhealthy or less than genuine is the key.

I don't ask "why" anymore..I just know how things work and accept that sometimes change happens that leads people down different paths to be healthy.

It seems to be completely appropriate to question why people have certain boundaries (do you really need those boundaries?) and challenge them to push those.... but it is taboo to question why someone has certain needs and push them to challenge those (are they really needs or wants?).

The thing is....why we have boundaries is not important unless our motivation is to remove or increase them...nor is why we want certain freedoms unless we are trying to expand or suppress them. The only thing important is that they both exist and we try to find a way to accommodate both in a healthy manner. Sometimes, this simply can't be achieved. Not everything is workable. But that is no reason to throw our hands in the air and surrender...because who knows what we would miss out on in the process and the future is never certain...things and people change

Hi I'm new here and read yo9ur first two paragraphs and was saying yes that's what I'm facing I think . the selfish staying with me, the meaning of the word Love etc, then it turned to a more personal code not sure I know now. Is this idea of condition of monogamy is this supported by the mental health community. Over the weekend I had sometime to think and this pain I feel is part of a guidance system that was installed from day one so as to avoid things that are unhealthy for us. Its the like sight , smell, etc.. So when I hear well jealousy is part of so lower function of a persons brain I think like taste. No one would try to desensitize them self from salt. The use of these behavial modifcation techinques just seems a little wrong. well I could be way off ... These could been the cold talking.

[LovingRadiance]

They're probably all thinking,
"damn what a cute mono-leprechaun!"

hehehehehe!

[Derbylicious]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

They're probably all thinking,
"damn what a cute mono-leprechaun!"

hehehehehe!

In my head that was said with an Irish accent.

[vodkafan]

Redpepper, here is how I would feel as the mono in such a situation as you are facing. Note I am NOT trying to say this is how (your) mono thinks and feels; but it is definitely how I would think and feel.
Please bear with my possibly childish analogy; you will see where it is going.

Long ago, I meet my wife. She gives me her unique flower. She says: "Look after this flower ; it is unique and special. I am giving it to you because you are special."
So I cherish the flower.
Much later, she tells me that she wants to give the flower to someone else too. I am sad at first, because I think that maybe I am no longer good enough for her to hold her flower; but I try and I do see that actually it is beautiful that she wants to share her flower with someone else too.
I see that truly nothing has been lost.
But then she tells me that she wants to give her special flower to another, and then another; in fact she tells me that there is possibly no limit to the number of people she might want to give her special flower to.
So I begin to not want her flower.
It is NOT because I feel that I am not good enough; it is no longer about me. I am strong in myself and know that I am fine, there is nothing wrong with me.
It is just that I can see that her flower is no longer very special at all, because she wants to give it to so many people. It is not worth very much.
I will still love her as a friend, but I don't want her flower.

[gemini]

i think that is pretty well said. sex can be just sex and little if anything is lost. love is love. if the flower is love and all that is being shared with others is sex, that the flower is still just as special as it was when it was first given to you.