Redpepper's journey

[Derbylicious]

Glad you had a good day today. And you are smart, it isn't just Leo who thinks so.

[eklctc]

It seems that you are working through things just fine, RP. I agree with much of what you, Mono, and Derby have said- though there are basic guidelines to how we do this thing, and so many people want to play the poly role but really have the slightest idea, you guys are speaking it and doing it successfully and it can look and work however you want it to with transparency and communication; live in the present and drop the 'what ifs' (they are to be pondered but not obsessed about); do ponder the advantages/disadvantages of talking to PN about the sex thing (if you are seeking to change something, speak up. If not, let it be). I'm also glad you are in a better place with the Leo situation. Go ahead and be his trophy for a bit. *hugs*

[sage]

Hi

Thanks for checking out my blog. After certain observations over the last few days I have decided to open it up further. Initially I thought it was just monos that needed "a place" but now I'm thinking that both monos and polys in mono/poly relationships need somewhere specific to help with understanding.

Mr Rusty's comment came in the middle of this so I was a bit fire up I admit. Still, how can we have a life love based on "willpower"? We have to at least be working towards genuine understanding.

I have read some of your blog over the last few days and it made me quite sad. I felt it was all a bit personal to comment on and I wasn't 100% sure I had it right. From what I observed Mono has come to terms with your closed polyamory tribe (for want of a better label) but not the concept that for you polyamory means freedom of the heart to be continuously open. Is that right?

As for "how have I come to understanding", that's a good question and not one that I can just churn out a neat little answer. It begs deep thought and a blog post I think, but the starting point is a genuine desire to understand the person you love born out of the love you feel for them. I think you also have to accept that in the process of understanding you will be changed. You have to believe that is possible and be OK with it.

[sage]

Actually re-reading the posts I don't know if you should take it for granted that Mono doesn't understand you. What he's worried about is hurting you if he loses his intimate connection with you as a result of your polyamory (right?).

To me that comes down to commitment. He calls you Lilo (lifelove) and seems committed to maintaining his love for you for a lifetime. You both worry that it might not remain sexual (right). Surely if the sexuality goes for one and not the other that is something that in a committed relationship can be worked through?

These kinds of things are a positive for me in polymono relationships because they force us to push through comfort zones that may never otherwise be challenged. "Love hurts". kids get hurt when they go to school or play sport but we would never suggest that we keep them locked up to prevent it.

I agree with the others, enjoy the wonderful present you've created for yourselves and have faith that the future "yous" will be eminently capable of handling whatever comes up. So you may hurt each other a bit in the process. Allowing hurt and loving each other through it is just part of the process.

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by Derbylicious

Sometimes people just fit together in a way that doesn't make any logical sense. There isn't any walking away from something like that. The both of you NEED each other, in the present tense.

Right now there isn't anyone out there who is worth the risk of losing what you and Mono have. Maybe there never will be. Maybe if there is his boundaries will change. Your lives are both richer for having been shared with each other. If you had just walked away you would have spent the rest of your life wondering about what might have been.

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Holy crap you have a smart girlfriend RP!!

Thanks Derby

Originally Posted by Ariakas

If I am reading this right, there isn't anyone else in the picture yet right? Why worry about something that may never happen. Toss out logic and concern, and live and enjoy what you have now. Don't look for bumps int he road you haven't hit yet

Unless I am reading this wrong of course

All of this.

I love you guys!!!

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by sage

From what I observed Mono has come to terms with your closed polyamory tribe (for want of a better label) but not the concept that for you polyamory means freedom of the heart to be continuously open. Is that right?

.

I fully understand Redpepper's concepts. I just wouldn't be healthy in that situation with the level of integration and commitment I have. Perhaps if I wasn't so close it would be ok but that would mean stepping back from my level of commitment and family integration. Essentially it might work if my overall involvement were similar to a lot of other secondaries with less integrated lives. But we don't want that so we move forward and see what the future has in store for us

Who knows what can happen

[MonoVCPHG]

I think the big thing that both me and Redpepper constantly have to do is ask ourselves two questions; Am I as an individual healthy and is this worth it?

Ultimately my answer is yes, I believe she feels the same way for now. Maybe one day the balance will tip but for now we love and enjoy ourselves immensely....and every chance we get

[MonoVCPHG]

While I believe I fully understand the concepts of poly I do not understand what it feels like to be poly....that is a very different thing. I can't truly feel what they do in loving multiple partners....probably no more than they could truly understand how I feel about loving only one.

[redpepper]

Thank you Sage for writing. There is definitely a need for polys to have space to have a voice when it comes to mono/poly relationships. Everyone is trying to work it out in that kind of dynamic. Sometimes one over another. It ebbs and flows.

Yes, freedom and comfort for me is based on the acceptance that my heart is always open to love and whatever that brings. I want others to trust. I want to let my heart go without the threat that they will leave me (my biggest fear). I find it impossible to trust Mono when he says he will just change how he feels. Its hard to trust when I am told that he will stay loving me as he does now if I control my love for others. It goes against my values. It goes against my nature.

I admit that I have needed to slow down with letting people into my life and not make myself vulnerable sexually and in a loving way to any Tom, Dick or Harry. Mono has helped with that. He is only comfortable with our tribe rather than comfortable with my process and work towards achieveing clarity, honesty and balance in my relationships from here on in where ever they may appear from.

It would mean a change for him if he thought outside of our tribe and he is not willing to look at that. He is proud of what we have created and so am I and that seems to mean covetting it to him.

I am not asking him to change either, but I fear that I will have to leave him one day or force change.

To me it feels like I am in a monogamous relationship with three people. I feel owned by them because of his point of view. If I lose one, or both due to a break up and end up with just Mono then I will feel the same as I do now (apart from the pain of breaking up that is). Actually I can include women in my life, no problem. Funny how that is not an issue for him and therefore not my focus.

I guess I feel as if I am a single poly in a family type poly fi relationship. Not that I am into many lovers on a casual basis but I am into being open to the freedom to love.

To Mono I am friends with Leo. I don't feel that. That is enough to make me feel uncomfortable being in this situation with Leo. I now feel that I not only have to surpress my desire to be closer, but surpress my emotions of love so that they become that of friendship. It sadens me, but I can get through it with him.

I appreciate your writing Sage because I respect you and your thoughts. You are in the position Mono is in. At least I believe this to be so anyway. Your thoughts and questions are invulable to me as I need a push to be able to see clearly what to do when the moment arises that change will happen in some way. I know I could just leave it, but why not be proactive if I can right?

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by redpepper

I am not asking him to change either, but I fear that I will have to leave him one day or force change.

Letting go of the fear that I will disapeear entirely or will wither and die might help in this Lilo. All of us have to be healthy and all of us have already survived a tonne of life experiences. Our hearts will persevere and our connection will remain no matter what the future holds. I have complete faith in our life commitment to support each other in the whatever way allows us to be free and healthy as family