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  #581  
Old 12-28-2010, 06:36 AM
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We are all sitting here at the cottage. The place that got built this year and was the result of a lot of tears and work between my parents and I. I love it here, but I am ready to go home. My brother is great but I don't want to spend this much time with him, his girlfriend is a drag and I could do without her at the best of times, my folks are great, but tired after a week of guests and I think they want some space. We had the best time just the four of us when everyone was out this afternoon. I think that goes to show where we feel most comfortable no? I am glad that we are all getting along though. Mono even let me kiss him in front of people.
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  #582  
Old 12-30-2010, 05:51 AM
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It's really weird how oldest/only children seem to do just fine and actually prefer being alone or with adults a lot of the time. My oldest is like that too. My youngest doesn't know what to do with herself if she doesn't have someone to play with. She's always had another child around and doesn't know any different.

We were doing crafts the other day at the children's museum in Seattle. It's facinating to hear about what's going on in their minds. I love the creativity of children. Nothing is impossible to them.
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  #583  
Old 12-30-2010, 07:25 AM
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what a wonderful place. and now I feel as if I could build a home in the island cottage too. I have to be careful though I think. I need to be cautious and not invest quite yet. I am still not fully trusting. I think this time because my brothers girlfriend has her teeth in the place too much. She's so freakin controlling. Hm. My brother loves her, his role models of women are my mother... and also me. What does that say? actually, I do everything in my power not to be. To be easy going and laid back. People tend to delegate the roll to me somehow... where family are concerned, I would rather not take a leadership role. I think a team effort is best.
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Old 12-30-2010, 09:30 PM
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My friend tried to kill herself over the holidays. Our community is coming together to support her. There is much to do and much to think about. If anyone has any thoughts on how to best support her and move her to action with her life, I would appreciate it. She reads my blog and perhaps a word of encouragement would be helpful also. Thanks.
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  #585  
Old 12-30-2010, 09:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
My friend tried to kill herself over the holidays. Our community is coming together to support her. There is much to do and much to think about. If anyone has any thoughts on how to best support her and move her to action with her life, I would appreciate it. She reads my blog and perhaps a word of encouragement would be helpful also. Thanks.
My first thought was "thank God it was just tried and not accomplished". That may sound cold, but truly it isn't meant that way at all. Since our daughters best friend did kill herself in May, I know just how devastating that is.

Without knowing for sure what your friend is struggling with that made her feel that suicide was a better solution for her than life, it's hard to give advice. All the trite little comments are meaningless when you are hurting that much.

I will say-that if it helps at all to consider how much it would hurt the rest of those (like you RP) who obviously do care, then she should try to keep that in the forefront of her mind.
Primarily-something is hurting her, TOO MUCH. Whatever it is-needs to be stopped. So if there is something you or her other loved ones can do to help her stop that pain-that would be critical.

Good luck and HUGS to you all.
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  #586  
Old 12-30-2010, 11:41 PM
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I will say-that if it helps at all to consider how much it would hurt the rest of those (like you RP) who obviously do care, then she should try to keep that in the forefront of her mind.
When I was suicidal, many years ago, this wouldn't have helped at all. I already felt like I was such a huge drain on my family and friends that they'd be better off without me. Contemplating how much it would hurt them if I left would have just added one more layer of guilt to every thing.

I can tell you that as I was recovering, it helped to have fun things to look forward to. One of my friends set aside every Tuesday night to spend with me as a girls' night. We'd watch movies, scrapbook, whatever. It helped to have that to look forward to. Maybe it'd help her to have something set up with people at least once a week? At the beginning, I'd keep it something that doesn't require a lot of energy output on her part. It'll help to have something to look forward to and it'll help her know that people really do care if she's there or not. It's one thing for people to say it, it's another when it's being shown in a concrete way, such as making time for her and making plans, instead of just saying "I'm here if you need me" and then not following through. When I was depressed, I wouldn't have taken anyone up on something like that (an open ended "call me if you need me"), because I would have felt like I was a burden to them. But if they took it upon themselves to say "I'm free Thursday, I'd like to treat you to a movie (or go out to coffee, or anything)", I would have taken them up on that, because they offered something concrete instead of making all the action depend on me. I hope that helps at least a little.
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  #587  
Old 12-31-2010, 12:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Hannahfluke View Post
When I was suicidal, many years ago, this wouldn't have helped at all. I already felt like I was such a huge drain on my family and friends that they'd be better off without me. Contemplating how much it would hurt them if I left would have just added one more layer of guilt to every thing.
I agree. Not to mention what you need is reasons to live for yourself, not for other people. Personally, I started to resent people who said things like that. I thought, life is a horrible experience for me, I want to make it end, and people tell me I have to keep living through that so they don't get sad? Their potential sadness seems so little compared to how I was feeling, I thought these people were extremely selfish to want me to keep suffering just so they wouldn't feel bad.

Advice really depends on the situation, but I think that more than advice, what is needed is support. If she does decide to try and keep going, she's going to need all the support she can get. And it can make all the difference, sometimes a situation is so overwhelming that there doesn't seem to be any other (or better) solution, but when other people are here to help with the load, it makes a difference.
Also, help from people who have experience with that kind of thing would be recommended, as they know best how to help her. You might think you can love her pain away but unfortunately it's not that simple either.

Best wishes for the rest and I hope your friend will feel better soon.
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  #588  
Old 12-31-2010, 12:38 AM
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I understand that won't work as a long term fix-AND that it doesn't work for everyone.
However, it was exactly what worked for me when I was suicidal as a short term deterent from action.
I focused on how much it would devastate my sister and my daughter and the guilt prodded me to A) not take action against myself & B) to take action to solve the issues that were causing my pain.

BUT-as I said to RP-IF it helps her, she can focus on that. If it doesn't help-then by all means, don't focus on anything that makes it worse.
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  #589  
Old 12-31-2010, 09:56 AM
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True, different people will react differently... Not to mention each situation is unique. Anything that can help is good.
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  #590  
Old 12-31-2010, 10:08 AM
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thanks for all this. I appreciate it. Our friend is at Derby's house as of yesterday and I saw her today. I told her that she is loved and that we are their for her.

It's time to find a reason to live now. I agree, some goals need setting and I am willing to be a pillar for her to lean on while she does that. I will tell her that. I can't do it for her, but can do my best to remind her of the track to a healthy life.

I needed goals when I tried to end my life and once I decided what they were there was no stopping me. I changed everything, location, friends, school... it saved me to completely turn myself around and look at the options. I think that might help our friend. I suggested she find other friends today as the ones she has seem to remind her of her loneliness in that they are all in relationships and talk shop constantly.

I also asked her to think of what we might be feeling. She kept apologizing to me. I asked her if she were in my position what I would be feeling. She agreed that she also would want to help, would want to give as much love as she could, would want to know what to do and how to support.

It's been a long day and I can't sleep because of it. Mono has passed out beside me. I spent some time with the rest of the family today but mostly Mono followed me around and I him. We talked at one point about our sadness today and I asked him for support. He is not able to support people sometimes, but will always support me. I am able to support others and need support also... it trickles down doesn't it? We all support one another.

When someone falls out of the that support system, its then trouble begins for them I think. He is my rock. As is PN. PN quietly found out some information when I told him angrily I have no answers to his questions about how to help. I told him to go and find out for himself what can be done, and he did. He has been calm and supportive also in his own way.

I am so grateful that Derby's husband is home for her right now. Derby is an incredible woman with a HUGE heart and is fearless when it comes to someone in need. I admire her so much. Her strength is lessoned when her hubby is away as she needs him to support her and be strong so that she can be the amazing caregiver she is. I am not able to do that for her like he does. I suck at it actually I can stand by her and help, but I am not good at being supportive to her. I don't know how to be I don't think. I fumble somehow. I know that and am trying... but my emotions get in the way

Tomorrows new years. Big party at Derby and husbands place... lots of friends there, and lots of support for our friend. Also the women's group is meeting early this month in order to be extra supportive...I hope my friend is willing to allow others to help. I gave her homework before I left as I will be asking her what her plans are and how she is going to move forward from this.

I was really firm with her today and gave her lots of hugs and love. I am not usually good at that, but I have lost one trans friend already the same way as she decided to end her life and I am not going to sit around and be scared of this. I visited another friend while away who almost died the same way. I went there just before I left. She is well enough now and made the change to leave her seniors home and move to the country with her daughter... she is content and happy to die there with family around her. She's 87, who knows how long away that will be, but at least she will be happy when she goes.
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