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  #551  
Old 12-17-2010, 03:26 PM
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Originally Posted by entredeux View Post
hi
and i also have a question. Mono, you state "A good way to gauge if something is going too far is if you wouldn't do it with me sitting in the room because you think it would disturb me, then that is too much."

?
You should read more of our story and you won't be so confused. I have total compersion with what RP and PN have. We've had threesomes together. I also embrace the relationship she has with Derby, but don't want to watch them making out LOL! What RP and PN do with Redpepper alone is completely fine with me.

Read more my friend please before asking for more clarification. We've all poured our hearts on here before.

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  #552  
Old 12-17-2010, 03:42 PM
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thanks for the clarification, mono.

it's true i haven't yet read everything and i really hope my question didn't come off in the wrong way.

like i said, i guess i was more reacting to this statement based on my own current struggles and learning process (and again it seems i could learn a lot from how you guys have handled these things).

but thanks for responding so quickly and again, if my question came off badly, please accept my apology.

hope you have a great day
No apologies neede my friend. I'm a little raw today. My student's are driving me crazy! And I keep feeling that no matter what I do I end up limiting or hurting RP. Take care.
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  #553  
Old 12-17-2010, 03:59 PM
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If that movie had of been anywhere else it might have been different. .
Maybe movies upstairs could work? ...I'm trying to come up with something here folks I want Redpepper to be happy and fulfilled. I'm just not sure she can truly be that anymore with someone like me in her life this way. I'm not going anywhere. Just trying to make things better but feeling as though I am making things worse. Sorry RP. There is something to be said for just swallowing my feelings but that is not healthy and not how we made it this far. I love you.
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  #554  
Old 12-17-2010, 04:03 PM
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There is a distinct difference between dishonesty, being discreet and a DADT policy. You, I think, are being asked to be discreet. He isn't asking to know nothing, he is asking for you to be discreet about details that he finds painful. At least thats my take on it. I look differently at discretion than you do however, I find it is something I can build a relationship on. I am an open book, but there are some things I like to have between us. It creates a nice private bond, which I enjoy with my partners.

I am actually putting a blog post together about this because it is related to my relationships right now.

Instead of having the extremes, hist need for you to absolute freedom vs you need for absolute freedom to communicate, why not try and find something in the middle to work with.
couple of things. You and I are not that different Ari, I don't tell PN intimate details about my sex life and some of the emotional stuff Mono and I go through. I don't tell Mono about some of the the same the other way around. It's just respectful that way... you have given me cause to think how this is different however and I appreciate that. The line must be found and I am working on that.

welcome entredeux, thanks for writing on my blog. I have to get to work, but I am reading and will respond when I can.

Derby, I like your code word idea. will think on that more...

Mono, I'm just sad that you are not in this with your all because of who I am and my actions within that... I don't want half ass. I hurt because of that.... sigh....

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  #555  
Old 12-17-2010, 04:31 PM
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Mono, I'm just sad that you are not in this with your all because of who I am and my actions within that... I don't want half ass. I hurt because of that.... sigh....


You've got more of me than anyone else ever has. A more complete picture of who I am, more trust, more depth and more understadning of how I have become the person I am. What you are getting is yours as long as you want it in the package it comes. You're hardly getting half assed my love. But sorry in any case.
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  #556  
Old 12-17-2010, 07:48 PM
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XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

To you both.

It's hard to find that thin line that makes it work. I understand completely, we're in the midst of a similar struggle.
Where is the line between open and honest, and respectfully not rubbing something in the face of someone who doesn't wish to be a part of that something....

(I wrote it that vaguely on purpose-NOT pointedly).

I just wanted to say I'm so proud of you both for working through the emotions and circumstances together and continuing to battle together to find the workable solution.
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  #557  
Old 12-18-2010, 02:25 AM
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So the non sexual bf is named Leo? Gave me a start to see him called by name instead of NSBF. Is it b/c you can see it's not really non-sexual, even tho you don't actually have sex?

I can see why Mono was jealous. A bit too close for comfort, just on the other side of the wall like that.
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  #558  
Old 12-18-2010, 03:28 AM
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Well its about to become non sexual by your definition again Magdyln as I have been told today that she is the primary and calls the shots for their relationship. He is going with her boundaries and I am now waiting to hear what those are.

They have a heirarchy arrangement it seems and I must adjust. Apparently its okay for her to have other men in her life, but its not okay that he be close to another woman. She has really low self esteem and feelings of self worth and has been jealous for some time of my being in his life. Maybe more than that is going on, but that is what I have been told. She has been unable to find someone who will love and appreciate her as he does. Its too bad, and I feel for her, but I need to live with that as a result. I don't mind boundaries so much as the hypocrisy.


I am going at her pace as she is the one struggling. What else can I do. Nothing I guess but wait. I told him today that I will go back to monthly meets at coffee shops etc and we shall see how it goes. With their boundaries in place and Mono's it could very well be not worth it. I admit that. We shall see.

Right now I am feeling completely defeated and hurt. I don't take kindly to my freedom being squelched by those I don't chose to, so there is some anger there also. I'm being patient though and empathetic for the most part in terms of communication. I think she deserves that respect.

I really don't know much but the little bits I get from him and piece together, so I could be way off. He's not the best at being forth coming with concrete information that I can work with so I have asked him point blank what boundaries I have to work with in order to not mess around with their stuff as its not my business. What my business is is what happens next and as we didn't discuss any boundaries on his side before now we damned well better. I need some very firm ones to work with before we go any further.

I know where I stand with Mono now, we worked that out I think. I can move forward on that end, I need this worked out, then a date can be set to meet again. I'm all business tonight. Fuck it, when it comes down to it, emotions aside, its all business complete with protocol and procedure. I'm on it. Must be a full moon coming up

I have heard through the grape vine that some people expect that we have all our shit together because we come across that way on here. To the larger extent we do, but we are also in perpetual motion and change and no on ever knows what will come up. We have worked out many things and do have a great deal of knowledge about how poly has worked for us, but as far as I am concerned poly/mono relationships are never going to be "worked out." it is not possible I don't think. There will always be problems and compromises and sacrifice.

If you have been reading here you will know that I believe a compromise means that boundaries are not settled yet. Mono and I will always be in a perpetual struggle with compromises. I hate it, I find it completely exhausting and frustrating but we must stay in a state of compromise as we will never find a boundary agreement that suits both of us I don't think. Its just not possible, so hang on to your seats and enjoy the ride, because I am not giving up and neither is he. We will continue to battle it out because we love each other. Funnily enough that love is intensified for me because of our struggle. The passion has increased ten fold and my pussy hurts
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 12-19-2010 at 12:18 PM.
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  #559  
Old 12-18-2010, 04:23 AM
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Thank you all for sharing so openly. I think, if we are all realistic people, we know that everything isn't always flowing smoothly in your world and, in order for the relationship to grow and continue to work, you must be pushed, challenged, tried ... that is how we gain in these instances. That is part of the joys of truly experiencing 'life'. It presents you with the opportunity to build your self and world through trial and error.

I completely understand the current issues with the metamour. You can only be you and genuinely express your intent. As we know, many people (men & women) are just not ready for the self reflection required to do this. They haven't learned how to identify and break down their emotions and how to conquer the reactions they have been taught are the correct ones, in this society, when approaching these alternatives. It could be a beautiful thing if only they would open up to learning and embracing.

Though, my metamour, nor male partner (P), has not voiced it to me, I believe some issues that have arose over the last few weeks in their relationship has been related to me in some sense. I know he reached out to me when I was out of town after they had a disagreement but he did not share details but just sought my presence. Then, she mentioned via text that she had been feeling emotional and insecure about some things this past weekend. Since we transitioned, from a triad to a vee, she and I don't communicate much and I believe, as time goes on, the relationship I have with P is going to suffer because of that but I am willing to continue to give my all to him until that time comes.

I'm glad you guys are working through your emotions and thoughts and I will keep you in my meditations.
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  #560  
Old 12-18-2010, 06:09 AM
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thanks Eklctc...

Mono thought of my postion tonight of one where I am in a beautiful pasture and love where I am at. Feel right here, there is space beyond that worth discovering but not an option.

I see it as like the movie "its a wonderful life." I watched it for the first time the night after I saw Leo. I feel like the man in the movie... I have everything but I was meant to be a great explorer. The world is out there and although I have something wonderful, every now and then I push to break out of it just for a bit to explore...

I am back to my pasture and feeling safe in it and content tonight.

Mono and I had another good talk, Leo emailed to tell me that I mean more to him than sex and now we know where the boundary is we can go back to not pushing it...

I'm good, he's good, Mono is good. It sounds like Leo's wife is good being okay with what ever we decide and that is all I need to top off my week... until next time.

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