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  #491  
Old 11-21-2010, 08:53 PM
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Default How to be a whole hearted person

What is the difference between people who really have a sense of worthiness; a strong sense of love and belonging vs. people that don't? What separates them is their belief that they are worthy of love and belonging. What keeps people apart from this is their fear that they are not worthy.

Whole hearted people have:
  • Sense of courage: telling the story of who they are with your whole heart. They have the courageous to be imperfect.
  • Compassion to be kind to themselves first: we can't be compassionate if we don't treat ourselves kindly.
  • Connection as a result of authenticity: willing to let go of what we think we should be in order to be who they were. Only then do we find connection.
  • Fully embrace vulnerability: belief that what makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful; not comfortable, but necessary. Willingness to be first to say I love you, do something where there are no guarantees, invest in a relationship that may or may not work out... this is fundamental to being joyous in life. Surrender and walk into it.

Numbing vulnerability vs. living in a vulnerable world
  • Evidence seems to be that we are the most in debit, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in US history because we numb ourselves.
  • The problem is that we cannot numb emotion. We feel emotion regardless of suppression.
  • We can't numb bad emotions without numbing the good stuff; joy, gratitude, happiness.
  • When we numb emotions we are miserable and looking for purpose and meaning and become vulnerable. Which is what we didn't want to be... it becomes a cycle. The more afraid we are the more vulnerable we are the more afraid we are... it cycles.

Why and how do we numb ourselves?
  • We make everything we do that is uncertain, certain: ie. Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to I'm right you're wrong, shut up; politics looks like this also as there is no discourse anymore, no conversation, just blame, which is a way to discharge pain and discomfort.
  • We perfect: Children are hardwired for struggle when they get here. They come out perfect but our job is not to keep them perfect but to let them know they are worthy of love and belonging regardless of what imperfections they have as they get older.
  • We pretend: That what we do doesn't have an effect on people. It's important to be authentic and real and say sorry, we'll fix it.

Vulnerability is important in order to feel alive
  • We need to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen
  • We need to love with our whole hearts even though there is no guarantee
  • We need to practice gratitude and joy in moments of terror.
  • We need to believe we are enough
  • We need to stop screaming and start listening in order to create kindness and gentleness to those around us.

from: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9...layer_embedded
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Last edited by redpepper; 11-22-2010 at 05:40 AM.
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  #492  
Old 11-22-2010, 01:43 AM
Raven Raven is offline
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I was really inspired by this post, Redpepper - it put in to words a lot of things that I feel strongly but have a hard time expressing.
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  #493  
Old 11-25-2010, 06:29 AM
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I'm kind of at a stand still with some things... where to go from here, what to do now, where to put my energy... all questions going through my mind.

Life is pretty good right now. I have some concerns about a few things, but I am waiting to see how they play out and trying to keep myself grounded and contained for now... I have thinking to do.

I have been exhausted over the weather and short days of late and really just want to stay in with my family and play house for the rest of my life... oh how I wish I were really like that sometimes. I'm so not. I eventually cycle right back to being out and about and loud and proud somehow.
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  #494  
Old 11-25-2010, 07:13 PM
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Default More on Vulnerability

It becomes problematic when we lose our capacity to be vulnerable. We are losing our tolerance for vulnerability. Often we are on the verge of bliss and we have a fatalistic response.

What happens that we become intolerant of vulnerability?
  • Joy becomes foreboding. We become compelled to beat vulnerability. The core of this compulsion is fear, anxiety, shame, but vulnerability is also the birth place of joy, love, belonging, creativity, faith.
  • We chose disappointment as a lifestyle. Rather than feeling disappointment, we live it... we side step being excited because we are not sure it's going to happen.
  • We chose low grade connection as an avoidance, we go through the motions.
  • We strive for perfection; "how could anything go wrong if my life is like an ad?" Preforming and please to be perfect. Perfection is a tool to protect ourselves. Perfectionism is not about striving for excellence, that is about negotiation and compromising instead. That is healthy striving.
  • We become extremists; faith - vulnerability = extremism. Faith is the vulnerability that flows between the shores of certainty. Spirituality is inherently vulnerable. It is believing in things we don't understand or really can't see.
  • The most universal way we are dealing with an intolerance for vulnerability is that we numb. More food, medication, stay busy, etc. We also believe in scarcity.

We believe in scarcity

We live in a culture that tells us there is never enough, we are not enough, we are not good enough, that we are not safe enough, we can never be certain enough and we are not extraordinary enough. An ordinary life has become synonymous with a meaningless life. So often we are missing what is truly important because we are on a quest for what is extraordinary. Not understanding that in our ordinary lives (moments) is where we can find the most joy.

One of the things that happens in our culture of scarcity is that we are constantly collecting images, messages and experiences of scarcity.-we are numbing. We are busy, the truth of our lives can't catch up.

Addiction research shows us that an intensely positive experience is just as likely to trigger relapse as a negative one.

If vulnerability is a sharp edge. Joy is quite possibly a sharper one.

To let yourself soften into loving someone, to caring about something passionately is to be vulnerable.

How do we embrace vulnerability?

  • practice gratitude; know what you have-honour what is ordinary, because that is what is extraordinary. We can compete with the images from the media, the news, with images of what is important in our lives with images of family, nature, people we love, kids, love, play, community... these are things that happen everyday, but we are so busy being afraid we are missing these.

We want more guarantees, there is a guarantees that no one talks about this... if we don't allow ourselves to experience joy and love, we will miss out on filling our reservoir with what we need when those hard things happen. We need to do this together.

from: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UoMX...eature=related
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  #495  
Old 11-25-2010, 08:08 PM
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Thanks for these posts... they are immensely thought-provoking
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  #496  
Old 11-27-2010, 12:29 AM
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Just got Brene Brown's book off Amazon for PN for Christmas... don't tell him k?
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  #497  
Old 11-27-2010, 12:55 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Just got Brene Brown's book off Amazon for PN for Christmas... don't tell him k?
ummmm...doesn't he read here sometimes?
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  #498  
Old 11-28-2010, 08:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
ummmm...doesn't he read here sometimes?
nope
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  #499  
Old 11-29-2010, 08:35 AM
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I had a lovely night in my own bed last night and grinned from ear to ear.

The nightmare I had was almost unbearable and I wish it would go away for ever. I haven't had it in a long time so I thought it was over...

It is always the same feelings.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a dock by a lake in the early North Western Ontario spring.. I knew the dock area well and knew that I could easily get tangled in weeds and that because I panic in water that isn't in a swimming pool, I could easily go under. I have a huge fear of water when I can't see the bottom. Not to mention that the air was still below freezing and therefore the water...

I didn't jump.

The feeling I had that night was one of overwhelming loneliness, sadness, hopelessness and no self worth. I had been dumped my my girlfriend and she and her friends had abandoned me. The town I lived in was small and the nearest place to go was two hours away driving. I didn't drive. I was stuck living with my parents after university and had no money, a useless degree and no one to spend time with... lesbians were not accepted at all in those days... I thought it was the end.

Needless to say I turned myself around and walked into a whole new life, but the nightmares have not stopped. I don't have the abandonment issues I once had... sometimes they return, but the rest of the feelings remain in this dream.

The dream is that I am trapped somewhere and can't leave. It changes but that stays the same, as much as the emotions. This time I had moved to England to live with my parents and left everyone behind. I was there to look after someones baby and I had no money to get home and no desire to look after the baby. I was crap at looking after my own in terms of lack of interest in babies... looking after one that isn't mine is a nightmare in itself.

In the dream I was completely numb with the emotions I had. I couldn't move. I just sat and looked at this baby and realized that I had no contact with those I love. I was so homesick and so hopeless...

Then I woke up in the morning to Mono crawling in beside me to hold me tight and let me lay my whole body on him... He made the snuggy noises I love so much and eventually I completely relaxed and feel into a deep sleep of complete joy.... later PN and LB came down and PN snuggled with me too. I could hear LB and Mono play their game together and chat.

May that dream never be my reality again.
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  #500  
Old 11-30-2010, 12:00 AM
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Oh RP I am so sorry. I think sometimes, even though we've moved forward, our subconcious has to remind us of how things were. Either to remind us so we never go back to it, or to show us how far we've come.

I had one last night too. Karma was cheating again and I was divorcing him and I felt all of it. The betrayal, the anguish, the fear of doing the right thing, the ridicule for not being able to make my marriage work. But I knew I coldn't live like that anymore. So I took my bags and walked out the door.

I woke up sad. Because I knew that's how it could have been.

But lucky for both of us, our dreams are not reality. I am so glad you had Mono there to curl up in bed with you. And I am so proud of you for moving forward from the past. Being able to recognize that it is the past and it is a part of who you are, but that it isn't who you are now, is a great thing.

Here's to better dreams tonight!
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