Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #431  
Old 10-30-2010, 04:12 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Pick one day a week, you head to your room and hibernate, let the guys spend the evening upstairs with the boy.
Good idea but I I'm not a fan of feeling obligated to give up my space for any amount of time. I can leave her alone in her room easy enough...jeesh, I'm not that clingy
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #432  
Old 10-30-2010, 05:47 AM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,681
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Good idea but I I'm not a fan of feeling obligated to give up my space for any amount of time. I can leave her alone in her room easy enough...jeesh, I'm not that clingy
It wasn't intended as you giving up your space, but as bonding time to spend with LB while RP is MIA in "her" room. She did mention that there wasn't as many group nights anymore either. Gives LB something to look forward too. Besides, it was only a suggestion and it's up to you guys to find something that works for everyone.

Last edited by SNeacail; 10-30-2010 at 05:50 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #433  
Old 10-30-2010, 06:51 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,658
Default

Thanks for all the great ideas everyone. I don't really need a solution for anything really. At the moment I just find it all very interesting how its all morphed into something else and continuing to do so. Its only been a week and a very busy one at that. We have lots of time and I am sure that the NRE I have with the whole thing will settle into some normalisy.

At the moment I am not that concerned about not getting space. I actually get more than I did before because of other factors right now than the fact that I have a room. I am definitely feeling NRE over Mono being around and sucking that in and devouring his presence right now. I LOVE not having to say goodbye! That is the best and I think that is what my appetite for being around him right now in the middle of the night is being fueled by.

Its all good folks. Thanks for your thoughts though and if it remains like it is now I will consider thinking about what you've said more clearly.

Ahhh, sweet bliss, sleeping in my cozy sheets derby gave me, having been tucked in by her... Listening to monos mouse in the other room and knowing my PN and LB are snoozing up stairs. I feel as sick as hell tonight, but oh so loved.

Last thoughts of the night? Derby is one sexy pretty lady, I wish I hadn't been so sick...

Night all.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #434  
Old 10-30-2010, 01:15 PM
eklctc eklctc is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 275
Default

@redpepper- Though MonoV said that isn't the case ... Isn't it called compromise, though? I mean, I think in relationships, we all do some things we don't really want to do. These things are not things we despise or that give us negative energy (of course, then, that would have to be discussed) but they are things that we probably wouldn't do if it wasn't an interest of our partner(s). That's what we do for each other.

I don't particularly like watching football but I do watch (understand it) and interact in the entire game with my male partner. I am a big UFC fan and go out to almost all the major fights. My male partner likes it but hadn't made it a point to go out to watch the major fights and my female partner isn't into it; however, when available they accompany me to the fights and hang out with one or two of my other UFC 'comrades'. I don't celebrate traditional holidays (I don't decorate, I don't shop, I don't cook, etc) but my partners enjoy these times simply because it is the only time they can be together and hang out as a family (parents included) so I participate, doing all of those things, I don't normally do, with them. I'm not into getting massages or going to get pedi/manicures or going to the mall but my female partner is so ... well you get the point.
Reply With Quote
  #435  
Old 11-02-2010, 06:26 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,658
Default

65,69,76 these are the posts written by Mono that go along with my thoughts here today... from this thread. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...?t=3811&page=7

the halloween party was this past weekend and it was very fun. I had a great time and have no regrets even though it put me flat on my back sick for two days afterwards.... so over pushed myself!

I am left feeling a lot of emotion though. Still trying to sort it out, but I think it boils down to feeling disappointed, sad, jealous and threatened in terms of my NSBF, who I will call Leo from now on as he is a Leo astrologically.

He didn't come over to talk to me, I went over to him each time, he spent all his time with his swinging friends and his wife and it was obvious that he was fine doing this and had no thought that I might want him to come and say hi to may friends. I hung out with him off and on and got oggled and man handled and propositioned to be there, all of which was uncomfortable and uninteresting to me. I decided to make it obvious that my intent was to be with him and that seemed to help. I gave him lots of attention and he relished in it. his wife I don't think was all that impressed however.

I don't know what is going on for her. She is not a big talker to me so I can only say what I sense... judgement, disapproval, threat, and that I am judging her. We spent two years talking about poly and our uncomfortableness in swinging, our experiences etc... and they didn't say they were very involved with the community. I am left feeling a bit of a dolt on that one.

They don't seem to have a lot of sex and only sleep with people that they find attractive, or she does and he watches... that is all I know. They seem to spend most of their time with friends... I don't get all that? I am so confused... there, add that to the list of emotions also. Why go to these things if you aren't going to have sex? For fun? Like minded friends I guess? I am accepting now, but don't understand. Maybe that is all I can do?

PN and I talked about it all tonight and agreed that we would simply be supportive and allow them the space to talk as they want. Maybe they will feel comfortable now or maybe not. I am worried that it will mean the end of my relationship with Leo though. After all, why would he want to spend time with me when he could be fucking someone... I am not willing to go there, but someone else will, wouldn't that be a better investment. It brings back all of my crazy ideas about only being valuable for sex and not friendship or love. Am I really only worth my sexuality to men and him in particular that he would end our relationship because I won't put out? My mind is playing tricks again and moving back to my old way of thinking.

I'm really quite jealous at this point. He spends a good deal of time with these friends of late and says he doesn't have time for me. Then I see him at this party and he sits with them and waits for me to come to him. The fear behind my jealousy? the unmet need? TIME WITH HIM! damn it. I need to feel appreciated and loved and have a chance to talk with him about all these concerns... how do I bring that all up without having time and when I don't feel I am worth something to him. He says he is busy at work and I believe that but wonder as well...

So the others stuff... well, I told Mono all about it and he wasn't pleased... this time the displeasure only lasted a little while though. Baby steps... for me all the sex stuff was boring and confusing and left me thinking more about myself in all that than anything else. It seemed to me that it was like any other bar scene but with rooms up stairs and an orgy room... a bar, but more hyped up. People were just lingering and eyeing each other up. Our poly group was by far the more flirty and fun loving. We let lose! Danced our asses off and enjoyed each others company, uninhibited and far more confident... at least it seemed to me. There was no pressure some how.

I think I have come to the understanding that I need protocol and procedure when it comes to sex out side of my relationships...and in swinging there was just not enough of that for me. In BDSM I fall back on the "rules" a lot and I feel safe with that. I need control and I have none in a more casual and sport sex environment. I lose control very easily because of the bullshit that was my past, and don't feel that I have integrity or beauty some how... so I don't go there and am happy with that. *Meh* it's all good

I really want to get to a place where I can be completely accepting of everything. I am working hard at it. I think I have made progress by imagining everyone I know having sex with one another. I push myself to think of scenarios in order to normalize it all HAHAHA! it sounds funny, but it is working for me. I imagine that all kinds of sex parties are happening and then when I hear something come up, I am unphased. It is working well!

PN was disturbed by it all, and just brushes it all aside. I wish I could do that. What is it that is disturbing?! It bothers me that I don't understand what is disturbing and don't understand why it's fun and worth pursuing. Is it the comradeship? I felt that with PN when we went out swinging. Am I just too independent to get that? What? anyone have any idea why some find it disturbing? Is it that fact that people are made vulnerable? Like someone walking into the bathroom when you are peeing and you didn't expect them? No, that isn't it... *sigh* Maybe I'm just too much on the queer side? poly side...

I give up, off to kiss my Mono man before climbing into bed with PN... That's what it's all about, the expansion of love and a whole lot of fucking to go with it. thats all I understand in this moment and all I will think about until tomorrow.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #436  
Old 11-02-2010, 07:05 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,658
Default

Leo isn't coming to my burlesque debut either, more disappointment. I see this number I am doing as a gift to those watching. I'm giving of myself and have worked hard to make it good for those who watch. I am disappointed he won't be there to receive that gift.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #437  
Old 11-02-2010, 07:18 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,658
Default

@eklctc- I see what you're saying. I like to see it more as boundary setting. Compromise to me is about giving something up to make someone happy without concern for the fluidity of where that line is. To me compromises aren't discussed but assumed and just happen without much fore or after thought. With boundary setting there is room for ones happiness even if it is in doing something so as to create happiness for another. There is room to move within the boundaries and they are discussed and thought out.

Perhaps its a matter of degree, time lines and steps taken. Compromise comes before boundary setting maybe. Compromise is more about the beginning stages of boundary setting to me. Compromise seems to only go so far before resentment sets in whereas boundaries change and grow as necessary.

I see what you are saying about compromise in the scenarios you speak of, but they are not deep emotional things. More interactions that are just about getting along during recreational times. When talking about how much time I spend in my room for instance, that will lead to boundary setting I think as compromise will only go so far. Right now there is compromises being made because we don't know where we are at and how the cards will fall. All is to come I think.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #438  
Old 11-02-2010, 06:44 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,658
Default

feeling good today. Clean slate for the week except for coffee this aft with a new poly member... I love a good chat about poly over coffee... then it's work work work on my costume and routine for Saturday. Feel like hell still but I'm just going to suck it up.

I feel better about my thoughts and discussions with Leo yesterday. I need to be patient and realize that the man is treading water with the company he runs and I need to just shut my mouth right now and wait. He is following his wifes lead for entertainment because he doesn't have time or energy right now. PN told me that his big sale is Saturday and he would be doing inventory all night after it to see if they go under or not. No time for me, or burlesque. I will not go on about it, or tell him anything about me and my feelings until after that and if things don't change.

I'm looking forward to settling a bit after Saturday. I miss dates with Derby and miss not having an agenda for every night. There is lots to sink my teeth into, but I will relax for a bit, do some stuff on here organizational wise and hunker down with my loves until after the long weekend I took off. Too bad we can't go and see Ari, but he seems to have plans to be entertained anyway... good thing we aren't showing up on his door step

Off to suck it up and whine inside my head about feeling like crap. I think I have a sinus infection at this point... sigh....
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #439  
Old 11-02-2010, 06:49 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,658
Default

So I just got off here and looked at my phone. Text from Leo asking me to come to his store to give him a hug.... what to do? Go because I think that is all I am worth is to touch and flirt with? Go because he doesn't see me that way and needs some comfort and connection? Don't go because of the first reason? shit.....
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #440  
Old 11-02-2010, 06:51 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,658
Default

I'll go.... I think he needs connection and comfort that I am still around and its his way of saying he needs me... I hope that is why. I'm going to just trust.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
bdsm, boundaries, breaking up, casual sex, children, coming out, coming out to family, communication, family, foundations, kids, ldr, ldrs, mono poly, mono poly dating nature, mono/poly, moving in, negotiations, poly-fi, poly-fidelous, redpepper, rules, swinging, third partner, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:46 AM.