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  #371  
Old 10-18-2010, 04:21 AM
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I know you are not invested in caring what they think and don't let it affect you and for that I am glad. You were like that when my mum accused you of abusing the boy and it proved that you have no guilt for something you did and don't do. I admire you for that and love you for it. You have taught me so much. I love you. (there should be a *kiss* emoticon...)
There is no bite to words fueled by misunderstanding. I have found that internal knowledge of my own truths negates the need to defend or retaliate when others inject their perception of truth. I smile and move on feeling nothing and holding nothing against them.

I have no issues with being judged based on knowledge or ignorance. Perhaps this is because I am guilty of this as well.

On the other side of complete loss I have found something inside me that is everything. I can't describe it but it is all I truly need. I feel self fulfilled, self contained and self complete. As a result I feel most capable to love you to the fullest. You helped me find that completeness Lilo, held my hand while I consolidated new knowledge and cradled me when reality overwhelmed me. Without you I don't know where I would have ended up. Would I have made it this far? Never so soon I am sure.

Thanks Bbay
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  #372  
Old 10-18-2010, 05:00 AM
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You would be in Afghanistan... at least that is what you said yesterday...
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  #373  
Old 10-18-2010, 05:02 AM
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You would be in Afghanistan... at least that is what you said yesterday...
Good point clever lady
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  #374  
Old 10-18-2010, 05:05 AM
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for all the wrong reasons... to run away, to make tons of cash and come home a basket case, to possibly mean your death...

As much as this poly thing has been hard for you, and has sucked on so many levels I'm glad you are good my love.
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  #375  
Old 10-18-2010, 05:09 AM
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for all the wrong reasons... to run away, to make tons of cash and come home a basket case, to possibly mean your death...

As much as this poly thing has been hard for you, and has sucked on so many levels I'm glad you are good my love.
Better than good, Lilo XO
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  #376  
Old 10-18-2010, 05:12 AM
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As someone mentioned in the "how are you thread" it is interesting that the tank chose to flood now. The experience was a coming together for PN and I and we are left feeling like we are on the same team. When we were down there last night, side by side, doing our darndest to get to the bottom of it, we were doing it together to save our suite floor, but also because we know it will be Mono's place. We were concerned that it wouldn't be nice for him and that he would have to have a crappy floor. Also that he had just painted there and we didn't want to wreck the paint job he worked so hard to do... it was a group effort. Mono was on the phone with advice and support, and we did it together. It harks for things to come I think
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  #377  
Old 10-18-2010, 07:31 AM
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PN put this up on his FB status update the other day... "anyone have any thoughts on the relationship between judging others and trying to control them to get them to do what we think they should do?" Many people wrote in at length about this questions and their answer to it. PN has a way of getting people to open up. The likes I've never seen. It made me realize something. In regards to that and the reaction I have been getting from my NS boyfriend about the halloween party I might be going to that my swinger friend is putting on.

It seems that some people see judgment as a way to attempt to control others whereas I judge out of concern for others because I compare their experience with my own. This misunderstanding of the way I judge has meant that my NSBF is surprised that I want to go to such a party because there might be people in states of being half naked and flirting with others... he is surprised because I might be offended and have reacted strongly to swinging in the past because of my own hang ups.

Why would I object? I don't think I have objected out of trying to control or out of judgment for no reason. I have been concerned and don't know why, so I discovered why and then dealt with it and now feel far more healthy around the whole issue of sport sex. I just don't want to participate and have no need to. My need for thrill seeking and accomplishment in this area is fulfilled.

On PN's fb status update I got the feeling that people thought that to judge others was because we don't have compassion and I think that is true. It's hard to have compassion for swingers if you don't know any or care to. But really there is another kind of judging and that is in order to help ourselves make sense of our world.

I wrote on his update, "judging to me is about about expressing concerns and talking about personal opinion. After all how are we going to figure our shit out if we don't talk about it and judge the actions of others against our own. It's when... one sits in their shit and doesn't attempt to get out of it that bothers me. If it takes judging, then so be it. judging and controlling are completely different to me. I don't judge because I want to control and really if people think that then they don't really know me and perhaps should look at their own stuff around that belief....."

and

"I agree with the link to compassion if we are not to judge, but I still think that isn't the answer to it all. I think one can still be compassionate and have an opinion about someones actions and it come off as judging... sometimes judgment is in the way something is received rather than how the words were expressed. It's still a really good idea to check and see if what was said was meant to be a judgment as a way of trying to reach compassion, an opinion based on a persons own experiences and therefore concern or a way to keep sitting in ones shit and not budging. Really, if we didn't openly judge others then I don't think we would ever understand one another or accept one another. I would take someone who judges me openly over someone who says nothing any day."

Mono I think that you are trying to figure it all out for yourself and I am so glad that you have chosen to admit that rather than pretend you don't care and are sitting in your shit about. Sometimes people sit in their shit until you they are uncomfortable and still sit in it and blame their lack of comfort on those that they judge. People seem to create so much negativity by blaming others for how they feel rather than trying to figure out why they are uncomfortable with others. I'm so glad you don't do that.
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This is a really great post, RP. There IS a big difference between judging a situation selectively, for one's own benefit or the concern you have for others, and judging out of fear in order to blame or control other people.

I know that many people, myself included, can often lump ANY kind of judgment in with "desire to control or blame". For myself, this is due to past relationships where I *was* blamed and judged quite frequently by my partners. Your post has given me just a bit more clarity on and awareness of this and I wanted to thank you!

As an aside, one of the most beautiful things I've learned from being polyamorous is how each person I am in a relationship with is different from each other person. It may seem obvious, but people tend to get lazy and follow patterns and assumptions from past relationship when in fact they are not applicable to a current relationship. This goes for friendship, as well as partnership.
these posts mean a lot to me... that is why I wanted to put them here.

People do tend to get lazy and make assumptions and it really is a shame. I think we really miss out on so much by jumping to conclusions and not checking in with each other in life. I have learned from my job that if I don't understand and find myself thinking something is a certain way I become rigid. The way to understand is to be open and ask questions I find. Its hard to do that when you feel threatened and your comfort is threatened but it is so necessary and so helpful in term of having good relationships and finding a place in the world for me.

I fear I have burned some bridges in my very public struggle with the my past sexual experiences being brought into who I am today and who I have become. I fear that some people see me as judgmental and unaccepting and that I now have a name for myself as such. It's a shame really because I see signs of it everywhere and don't know if its my paranoia or the repercussion of my journey.

This is why I am very pleased that my swinging friend asked me to be an administrator for her halloween dance. She is hosting it for the sex positive community in the hopes that somewhat like minded people can learn from one another and come together at a function that is shared by all... halloween. We will mingle and dance together and maybe make new friends. I think it is very inclusive and very brave of her to take it on.

I already find it interesting how her invite has been received. Some poly folk were confused and perhaps offended by the invite as it says it is a party for couples, single women and select single men only. I guess its hard to invite poly "couples" and what does it mean "select single men" It is all very of "the lifestyle" in her approach so I had to remind that these are the people she knows and it's the language they use to describe themselves. It isn't ours, but perhaps we need to be patient with that and just take it as it comes and in our stride... Interesting though that the discussions are starting already, before anyone even goes!

I am so pleased that there are so many poly folks I know going! I think it shows good community spirit and that we have a good foundation to be so open minded... I love us.
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  #378  
Old 10-19-2010, 06:22 PM
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This up coming Burlesque show is doing me in. I'm not feeling on top of my game and its really stressing me out. I have a costume to make and a routine to practice in two short weeks... yesterday I got a total of one hour done on the costume after spending far too much time on here! Not on public posting, on mod posting... the amount of work and emotion that this forum is taking up right now is not helping my sense of stability and self esteem. It takes a kick ass attitude to go on stage and take your clothes off to music and right now I just feel vulnerable and hiding in my bedroom... under the covers.... with the heat pad on... and my favorite music and someone to snuggle with.... naked and warm.... sigh....
side track...

November 6th it will be done and I am planning to hide for a bit. I have kept all social events at bay as much as I can to make more time... time is hard anyways in my life, surprise surprise...

Tonight I'm taking a break and going to Mono's for my usual Tuesday night at the OH. Time is running out on the OH and I am feeling that too. Basking in the sun on his bed will be missed... also the privacy we have there... I am going to do my darnedest to create it at our place, but he is nervous about showing affection and love even when no one is looking there! Let alone have sex and let himself go... I might just have to do a bit of domming on that one.

This afternoon I'm going for coffee with a young woman in the community. I'm excited because I love it when people ask me to meet them with their problems and dilemmas. I like being relied upon as a source of help and support in our community. It should be interesting and I hope I am of some help.

I think a lot of the time I am intimidating to people because I do come off as confident and empowered... somewhat domineering. HA! surprised? yet I have a soft heart and am almost never negative and judgmental. I recognize quite freely that if I am it's because there is something going on for me and not the person. I do my best to get to the bottom of it fast.

I'm almost always the center of a room and have worked hard at sitting back and not being. Sometimes its hard to and I struggle with the fact that sometimes it makes me seem unapproachable. I am a loud mouth, radically honest and like to joke around, what can I say.

Thursday is Mono's birthday. We have our monthly meeting and drinks after to look forward to. Then Friday we are celbrating with my parents! How's that a change from last year, when they weren't even talking to us! PN has a big mushroom forey on saturday that he is really looking forward to and I will take the boy and my dad (who is still very sick) to get pumpkins at the pumpkin patch. Mono has a date with a paint brush I believe, amongst other things... I think he is going to start to move! He has two days off at the end of the week where he is going to do a lot of stuff so he can start moving... we shall see.

I signed up to be a living book at the local university next week. I will be someone that people can call on to talk to about poly, BDSM and sexuality. Should be interesting. I intend to make it from a biography perspective as I don't think I am qualified enough to be a text book on such subjects. I am so looking forward to seeing what comes of it.

somewhere in there I have to burlesque! AHHHHHH

off to have coffee and a chat with my lovely Derby girl.
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  #379  
Old 10-19-2010, 06:26 PM
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So happy to hear you're coming Thursday night (with Mono)!

Just remember that those of us who know you, love you (and your soft, squishy centre inside that loud, domineering and deliciously crunchy exterior, hee hee.. )!

-- Gem
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  #380  
Old 10-19-2010, 07:37 PM
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I am going to do my darnedest to create it at our place, but he is nervous about showing affection and love even when no one is looking there! Let alone have sex and let himself go... I might just have to do a bit of domming on that one.

I've been around long enough to know that PN will be experiencing some awkwardness just like me Lilo. I'm just being hypervigilant about being respectful and making sure we don't repeat mistakes we've seen/read about. That's the beauty of patience I think. Don't worry, you'll get lots of lovins
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