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  #331  
Old 10-07-2010, 07:13 AM
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This weekend PN and I have a date night whereby we will work on our rooms together. I am hoping that if we help each other out we might feel like we are supporting one another and achieving a common goal of creating space.

I am feeling anxious still and realizing that this is big for all of us. Derby included. I just want Mono moved in at this point. Moved in and all settled. Then we can get about working on the new dynamic that will come out of all this.

I feel so wound up and overwhelmed with my feelings... some guilt in there, apprehension, and of course joy
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  #332  
Old 10-07-2010, 07:52 AM
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Give yourself a chance to take a breather. I'm so happy for you guys. And that you and PN are working together, that's a great idea!!
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  #333  
Old 10-07-2010, 08:05 AM
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Woohoo! All hands clapping here (except for the guilt -- *dislikes guilt*)!
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  #334  
Old 10-07-2010, 07:08 PM
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Super awesome, RP!!!
Excited for all of you
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  #335  
Old 10-10-2010, 06:54 AM
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Things are going like gang busters in the last few days. I am finding it hard to keep up on here...

I had a major melt down this week with PN. It was around participating in our sons school. It's a private school that is run by families. It's small, only about 30 kids from kindergarten to grade 6. There are at least 10 kids with developmental disabilities, hearing issues and physical disabilities. Part of what keeps the school going is that they insist that families contribute volunteered time. If we don't, the school just doesn't run.

Last year I decided that the way we were going to participate was by me joining the board. I asked if I could share the role with PN so that I wasn't over doing it and the board agreed that I could. Well, PN helped with a bottle drive and that was it.

This year the AGM was coming up this week and I was wondering how to participate this year. I kind of thought I would prefer being a PAC (parent advisory committee) member and understanding a different part of the schools function, but wasn't sure.

I was cornered the morning of by the principle and the now chair of the PAC. They wanted to know if I would consider chairing or running for parent liaison on the board. I was caught off guard and felt pressured by them. I'm not a morning person, AT ALL and I told them it was too much for me to think about at the moment and that I would have to think about it.

By the time I got to the car to drive to work I was angry. First at them and then at PN. I called him and told him he needed to step up to the plate and take responsibility this year. I thought it was his turn. He is a part of our family and had to start doing some stuff that he didn't want to do in interest of the greater good.

Previous to this fight we had had several discussions on his not enjoying doing things he doesn't want to do and thought he just wouldn't do them any more. All very well, but sometimes that means I have to do them. Things like calling people in the family that we know are having a birthday etc. the issue of school participation fell under the "I don't want to" category I felt for him... without checking first.

So I was faced with an equally angry PN who refused to do anything I asked... age old issue we have. I get irate and bossy and he does what I call "no's me." The fight continued all the way to the AGM that night. He decided to join the marketing committee and I ended up being secretary for PAC. I am fine with that as I just have to write out minutes each month.

When we finally got home, and got to talking about it, I told him that really need him to realize that this whole "I'm not doing it if I don't want to" thing really bugs and I'm sick of stepping up to the plate for stuff that he could equally do and its his turn. He said he doesn't like being bossed around. The discussion seemed futile.

I decided that I would look deeper into why I reacted the way I did and what he could do to help me not get out of control with my anger like that. I figured out with his help that I didn't like being cornered, didn't like being approached about stuff that I am uninterested in in the morning and that I really needed him to just empathize. He discovered that he is triggered by me when I blow up and get demanding and reacts by saying "no." It makes him feel like he doesn't have control over what he wants to do and I feel the same way!

We decided to look at what we say to each other, and there was where the work paid off. By the time we had strategised about it I had established that I need him to say to me something along the lines of "it sounds like something has gotten you angry, what was it.." or "It sounds like you had a rough morning already, I want to hear what you are saying but will wait until you have calmed down." It sounds so simply, but if I hear something along those lines I will be calmer I think. PN needs me to express the root of issues rather than the surface of them. I need to be able to tell him that I feel he isn't pulling his weight without a demand attached to it at the end. A request for him to step up would work better.

Sigh.... how many freakin years have we been working on this? It comes up over and over again and still we don't get it right in the moment. At least we keep talking about it and strategising as to what might work better next time. Occasionally these things get through and we manage to pull them off.
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Last edited by redpepper; 10-10-2010 at 07:34 AM.
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  #336  
Old 10-10-2010, 07:01 AM
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Mono is like a dog with a bone with this apartment clean up. He gets snappy and grumpy if I cut in on the time he has alloted or want to do something else for even a second. I love him but it is hard for me sometimes.

I had my feelings hurt this week when he snapped at me for wanting to fill holes before he painted. It would take about 15 minutes, but he didn't want to stop and thought I was ordering him around (are you sensing a theme? RP is a bossy bitch? ) I wasn't bossing him around I was asking if he was intending to fill them as it would look better and thought he had forgotten and wanted to know if I should do it. The theme of me bossing him around has come up several times in this process. If I suggest a paint colour then some how it means I am telling him that the colour is a done deal and he has to paint it that colour.

It's got to the point where I have had to say, "okay, I have an opinion and I am afraid to tell you what it is in case you yell at me for being bossy." We are working on him not jumping to conclusions and me not sounding bossy .... I'm not sure how it yet so I have asked that I be made known what I have just said that sounds like I am enforcing my will onto the situation.

On another note he is doing an excellent job! It's beautiful and cozy and warm in the apartment and he is so pleased... it makes me very pleased also to see him happy and making a home for himself. I think its really the first one for him since he left home. It makes me so happy that its with me.
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Last edited by redpepper; 10-10-2010 at 07:36 AM.
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  #337  
Old 10-10-2010, 07:10 AM
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Any of you that are friends of mine on fb have seen the first pics of my room. I am sitting in it now getting ready to call it a night and sleep in my new bed for the first time!!!!!. It ended up having a dark blue, taupe and olive green colour scheme. I got the moon chair I wanted, a new bed and a side table... somehow I have a dresser to fit in!

All my burlesque stuff and BDSM clothing is down here now... many suitcases! and I intend to make working on my routine for the up coming show the next project. Only 5 weeks left and I have not practiced once. I do have a routine written down and music. That is a start. I have some of the clothes I will wear, but I need to practice, practice, practice and make my costume.

Mono talked today about moving the studio I have at my parents house down to his room. He is going to use the living room for his bedroom. We could make it a shared room that way and I could get back to painting. I have had a series in mind and was intending to get back to it, but I don't feel completely comfortable with being at my parents yet. We shall see I guess.
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Last edited by redpepper; 10-10-2010 at 07:37 AM.
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  #338  
Old 10-10-2010, 07:13 AM
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Your last two posts sound so much like me and Karma!!

It's often very hard to "hear" yourself. Karma and I instituted that rule a while back. We remind eachother how we sound, how things are comming across. Sometimes, my feelings will get hurt and I'll take everything as an attack. At which point I remind him about attack words. and he'll remind me about being oversensitive.

It'll usualy lead to a discussion about " I didn't mean it to come across this way I meant that instead" and me saying "I got hurt when you said this and took everything else as an attack instead of listening"

I think comminication is something that always needs worked on, always needs nurtured. Sometimes we get so lost in the comfort of home, we forget those things we learned the last time there was a miscommunication.

We do the opinions sounding like orders thing a lot too. I tend to say "It's my opinion that ___________, that doesn't mean that's how it has to be, just my opinion, what do you think."


And you're right, writing it out sounds so simple, but sometimes, simple is what we need.
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  #339  
Old 10-10-2010, 07:25 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
Your last two posts sound so much like me and Karma!!

It's often very hard to "hear" yourself. Karma and I instituted that rule a while back. We remind eachother how we sound, how things are comming across. Sometimes, my feelings will get hurt and I'll take everything as an attack. At which point I remind him about attack words. and he'll remind me about being oversensitive.

It'll usualy lead to a discussion about " I didn't mean it to come across this way I meant that instead" and me saying "I got hurt when you said this and took everything else as an attack instead of listening"

I think comminication is something that always needs worked on, always needs nurtured. Sometimes we get so lost in the comfort of home, we forget those things we learned the last time there was a miscommunication.

We do the opinions sounding like orders thing a lot too. I tend to say "It's my opinion that ___________, that doesn't mean that's how it has to be, just my opinion, what do you think."


And you're right, writing it out sounds so simple, but sometimes, simple is what we need.
yup. very similar!
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  #340  
Old 10-10-2010, 03:17 PM
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I can't believe how much has changed since last Thanks Giving when we had just come out. My parents weren't talking to me or anyone else in the family, we were under the threat of thinking my mum would get the police involved in her wacky idea that our boy was being abused by Mono, we were all hurt and confused and misunderstood and fearful about everything.

This year we are off on our traditional Chantrel mushroom hunt into the rain forest of the beautiful west coast. A tradition that we have had for a number of years now. It was abandoned last year because of the drama around us, but this year we are all off together including Mono.

Last night my parents came over to see my new room. Mono showed them the painting he had been doing and was obviously proud of how it is coming along. The two of them looked around and were happy for us.

No drama, no pain, no confusion and no accusations. We have all worked hard this year to come to this and on this Thanks Giving weekend, this is what I am most thankful for; my family... chosen and otherwise.
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