Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1761  
Old 06-13-2013, 09:19 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,188
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
. . . he could deal with you having girlfriends but not so much having other boyfriends.

I remember that.
Yes, and he explicitly stated many times that if you were to develop a romantic relationships with any other men after him, that he would start to lose his connection to you. But you pursued Brad and then were surprised that Mono sought solace elsewhere.

We've pointed that out to you before, and you said you forgot about that, even though I remember him getting into arguments with people about it here.

But whatever. I think that the most amazing thing is that Mono, instead of pulling away completely from you, chose to see if poly will work for him, so he can have both you AND someone else. How cool is that! I still don't understand why you're not happy about that and are choosing to be all upset and brokenhearted.

I still also don't understand why you broke it off with Brad and Derby. Is there something we are all missing in the story? Your reaction is so far from what any of us would expect, I think it is throwing many of us off and I really don't know if it's better to console you, assure you, or pinch you. It really seems to be a case of, as Cleo called it in her blog about what she was going through, having a "false sense of power."

What does PN say about your sudden shift in mood and attitude? Is he worried about you? Have you talked about all this with him in detail?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 06-13-2013 at 09:22 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #1762  
Old 06-13-2013, 09:25 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Mono wrote way back in the beginning that he needed you and your husband to be having er, i forget the exact words he used but "healthy and active sex life" would not be too far off base, in order for him (Mono) to be able to function in that relationship with you.

So there was that, and also the thing about how he could deal with you having girlfriends but not so much having other boyfriends.

I remember that.
yup. He did. For some reason it didn't sink in the ramifications of that nor did it occur to me that things change and that we may have to deal with this one day. Well maybe it did but really, what does one do, just not be with someone because things change? No. There was no avoiding it. I will stay in this as is until someone makes a move. Could be me or anyone.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #1763  
Old 06-13-2013, 09:31 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,188
Default

Hey there. Just out of curiosity, I did a little search and found something PN wrote to you in this forum. It's really beautiful, and generous, and really all about how loving someone need not have limitations or be made to fit into a little box.

I think what he wrote, which was from his perspective to you, could also be something from your perspective, that you could apply to looking at your relationship with Mono, or anyone you love. I bolded the parts that stood out to me:

Quote:
Originally Posted by polynerdist View Post
redpepper wrote: "I am at a weird transition with him in that I am not sure of my role in his life."

I can understand how this is unsettling for you. A lot has happened, and continues to happen. Many things have changed. Personally, I think it is a momentous occasion to be able to throw some of the roles that we have played into the trash. It's the beginning of another level of freedom. The freedom to BE.

redpepper wrote: "I am not what he would like me to be. "

On the contrary. I want you to be *you*. You are doing that. How could I not want that? Many years ago, I did not fall in love with a "thing," I fell in love with a person: you.

redpepper wrote: "I am just as loved, but I am off in another direction, pulled by Mono and now derby and others in my life."

Your and my paths run parallel, then intermingle, then cross, then jet off away from one another, then turn, then jet towards one another, then cross, then intermingle, then run parallel again. Such is the magical dance of our relationship. In whatever part of the dance you or I may feel that we are at in this particular moment, we are still in the dance. We are *always* in the dance.

with love, Polynerdist
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 06-13-2013 at 09:39 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #1764  
Old 06-13-2013, 09:33 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

I wasn't trying to make it out like "I told you so" or something. Although, I do fail to realize why you need to tear it all down just to make things better here and there.
Reply With Quote
  #1765  
Old 06-13-2013, 10:57 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Yes, and he explicitly stated many times that if you were to develop a romantic relationships with any other men after him, that he would start to lose his connection to you. But you pursued Brad and then were surprised that Mono sought solace elsewhere.

We've pointed that out to you before, and you said you forgot about that, even though I remember him getting into arguments with people about it here.

But whatever. I think that the most amazing thing is that Mono, instead of pulling away completely from you, chose to see if poly will work for him, so he can have both you AND someone else. Howling cool is that! I still don't understand why iyou're noit happy about that and are choosing to be all upset and brokenhearted.
I
I still also don't understand why you broke it off with Brad and Derby. Is there something we are all missing in the story? Your reaction is so far from what any of us would expect, I think it is throwing many of us off and I really don't know if it's better to console you, assure you, or pinch you. It really seems to be a case of, as Cleo called it in her blog about what she was going through, having a "false sense of power."

What does PN say about your sudden shift in mood and attitude? Is he worried about you? Have you talked about all this with him in detail?
It's been pointed out to me before that Mono said he would not be okay with me dating another guy. I pushed that. I guess because I had in the back of my mind that I needed to ride the thing through and then be available monogamously. I did. I am. He's not there with me on that page now. My bad. I fucked it up. Now he says he never could be with me unless PN is with me and that was how it was for him all along.

How can I be cool with Mono seeing someone else when I am ready to try out monogamy and he isn't. Where should I conjure that up from. I'm trying. I recite in my head everything I know about poly and am still here in this with him. Is that not enough? I'm here. I haven't left.

Poly as I knew it is not fitting for me anymore right now and I want to try something else. I needed a moment of my history together with Mono to just be us two and I am not getting it. I needed to heal from his actions and build our relationship up after suddenly realizing that I love him more than anyone and he was looking elsewhere. I didn't get that either. I am not getting what works for me and ya, that sounds controlling but when everything your body and gut says to you is NOOOOOOO! What else can I do but wait, recite poly theory in my head, breath, try not to become so disconnected I leave and wait some more. That is not controlling. That is allowing him to control. I don't talk about it. I give him his space. I don't approach her. I am in control of nothing here. It's all how they want it to be. It's all how everyone wants it to be. I have given up a lot of it and in doing so am trying not to give up and start again. I have a good home life and a chance at good friends. I can see that and its worth it for that.

I don't expect anyone to get it. I don't get it. Telling myself to buck up and realize he loves me anyway only goes so far. I am not hearing much about all that from him in the form of reassurance because he doesn't want me to think I should rely on him to be there. He has his life to live and I am just a part of that. I don't mean as much to him as he does to me. That has become evident. That is my heart break. I feel as if I caused that as much as he feels he never would commit just to me due to his past. He's got to play this out now and he intends to. I will wait as long as I can.

Fucking confusing.

I am still seeing Brad. He wants that. I want that too but I don't know where it's going. I want something different than he does also. I talk to PN but it upsets him so I try to keep it to basics and when there is news.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog

Last edited by redpepper; 06-13-2013 at 11:45 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #1766  
Old 06-13-2013, 11:38 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,172
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I don't mean as much to him as he does to me. That has become evident. That is my heart break.
A different perspective? Might not be pertinent, but who of us ever knows what words might be meaningful to another?

I don't believe that GG means as much to me as I do to him (SHEESH-I know I'm getting serious when I start writing real names and have to edit!).

That has been true from day one, 20 years ago. In the beginning, I pushed him away, because I felt it was the "right thing to do" since I knew he wasn't ever going to be my "one and only" or even my "primary only" or whatever (I really lacked terminology then and it's only marginally better now).

Eventually, I gave in to having more than friendship with him, but spent many years trying to make use of our fwb status, to eek out details of what he wanted in a full-time woman, so I could try to find that perfect lady for him. That failed also.

Finally, I accepted, that he is who he is. He's stood up to all I could put in his way, including having me full time and then losing me suddenly to whomever tickled my full-time fancy. He has chosen to make his life about me, I haven't chosen to return the favor. He is a PART of my life, a meaningful part, but he isn't the most important part of my life and he never will be.

Sometimes, I imagine that must be devastating for him, although he very rarely says anything to confirm that for me. But, I know it is OFTEN devastating for me, the knowing that I am not willing to give him that much of myself and knowing that someone else probably would. Because I do love him and I would happily support him having someone else, if he would do it.

It's painful to acknowledge and accept that the level of meaning and importance differ between two lovers. But, part of the strength and confidence in our relationship, is that we do acknowledge and accept that great difference. Much like what PN wrote to you (quoted by someone else above) we share a dance. Often, I choose to dance with other partners, but always, he remains a part of the dance.

It's an odd thing, when we all started talking, Maca felt that Mono was so much like GG and I DEFINITELY see why. Of course I also see the very obvious similarities he has with Maca. But the telling thing for me in all of this, watching your life being lived, your stories develop-is that from day one, I felt he was so much more similar to me.
Maca thought I was nuts. But, the further the story goes-the more it seems to be true.
Even though the most basic "easy for the world to see" details seemed to be similar to Maca or GG;
When he wrote, he mirrored so many of my thoughts and beliefs and even now, his actions and choices seem to mirror my internal workings.

I don't believe this will "fix" anything-but sometimes a person WANTS to be something, but they accept that they aren't ever going to be, for any number of reasons including life experience.
I don't think Mono CAN be what you have now decided you wish he would be for you. I don't think it's for lack of care or love. Just as I care and love GG. It's because he isn't able to put together enough of the puzzle of himself to guarantee that he can do right by you that way-and he won't take that risk. Not for you, not for anyone.

If I am right-I totally know how he feels and even reading your heartbreak and pain, which I have devoted myself to doing; I understand his distance. Because I have held myself aloof and distant similarly when GG tried to press me for more significant commitment.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #1767  
Old 06-13-2013, 11:53 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Thanks for PN's writing on being "in the dance." I'm pondering for a bit on that.

My first reaction is one of anger today. I am not wanting to be in a dance of poly. I have reached poly burn out. Fuck the dance. I want some simple little life of good friends, happy family and someone who I can pour my heart into. Ya. Backward for a poly forum. Reactionary perhaps.... maybe I will recoup and see it the poly way again but for now I seem to be unable. I seem to be moving toward working on my abandonment baggage etc and making a fool of myself for someone I would likely be better to say good bye to.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #1768  
Old 06-14-2013, 12:08 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,188
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
. . . I had in the back of my mind that I needed to ride the thing through and then be available monogamously. I did. I am.

. . . How can I be cool with Mono seeing someone else when I am ready to try out monogamy and he isn't.
So, now you are saying that:

during all this time while you were happily ensconced in your poly arrangements with a husband, gf, and bf, and some occasional/tertiary and non-sexual bf's...

fighting your parents for custody of your child in your poly household...

leading a local poly group...

speaking at poly events...

giving advice here on how to manage polyamorous relationships...

and professing that you were just baffled by monogamy because you just didn't understand it AT ALL...

that it was really part of your grand plan since the beginning of your relationship with Mono to just play along and make him deal with your being poly for a period of time until such that you would miraculously become monogamous and shed all your other relationships, including your marriage, just for him? And now you say you've reached that point but the timing is off because he doesn't want that? Seriously?

Don't you find it rather curious that you never once spoke about nor considered being monogamous yourself UNTIL Mono met another woman he wants to be in a relationship with?

This sounds more like scrambling to hold onto what was, deep insecurity, and maintaining some sort of control, than a plan gone awry. Are you being really honest with yourself? It seems to me that you are spinning yourself in circles trying hard not to look at the truth of what is happening. I wonder how far along you will carry on with deluding yourself -- I feel for you, RP, I really do. I won't post any more on your blog, as I don't want you to think I am scolding you - and I am really not. But I'm concerned for you. A while back, you said you would consider therapy - perhaps the time is now.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 06-14-2013 at 12:15 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #1769  
Old 06-14-2013, 12:38 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

You might be right LR. He has said as much. It's me who needs to figure out where I fit in that realization once and for all. I am not a half way person. I want to give him everything and he doesn't want it or to give me the same. I want to focus everything I was on everyone on him and I. Spells moving on to me that we are coming from completely different places.

Even when I was with many loves I wanted that eventually with someone. I always wanted that deep inside and took years to admit it. It scares him shitless as it somehow means he has to take care of something more in my life. All I ask is fidelity (can you believe this is RP talking... I can't sometimes). Maybe he is just not the one to dk that kind of work with. Maybe I am completely insane.

Its been 17 years of poly for me. I'm tired. What can I say. Tired and looking for answers and relief in some way. I wish I could just let it go but something isn't alllwing me too.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #1770  
Old 06-14-2013, 12:45 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
So, now you are saying that:

during all this time while you were happily ensconced in your poly arrangements with a husband, gf, and bf, and some occasional/tertiary and non-sexual bf's...

fighting your parents for custody of your child in your poly household...

leading a local poly group...

speaking at poly events...

giving advice here on how to manage polyamorous relationships...

and professing that you were just baffled by monogamy because you just didn't understand it AT ALL...

that it was really part of your grand plan since the beginning of your relationship with Mono to just play along and make him deal with your being poly for a period of time until such that you would miraculously become monogamous and shed all your other relationships, including your marriage, just for him? And now you say you've reached that point but the timing is off because he doesn't want that? Seriously?

Don't you find it rather curious that you never once spoke about nor considered being monogamous yourself UNTIL Mono met another woman he wants to be in a relationship with?

This sounds more like scrambling to hold onto what was, deep insecurity, and maintaining some sort of control, than a plan gone awry. Are you being really honest with yourself? It seems to me that you are spinning yourself in circles trying hard not to look at the truth of what is happening. I wonder how far along you will carry on with deluding yourself -- I feel for you, RP, I really do. I won't post any more on your blog, as I don't want you to think I am scolding you - and I am really not. But I'm concerned for you. A while back, you said you would consider therapy - perhaps the time is now.
yup. Essentially that's it. See, I'm really not right in the head.

We did talk of the future and not wanting poly eventually. It was far away for him. To me it was a closer thing. I don't want anyone to think that poly is not a good option. It is for many and might still be for me. Monogamy is just as valid too. Poly just doesn't seem to want to cram in my head right now and as much as I try this other reality keeps seeping out. I'm not about to stop it at this point as I think it needs a voice and a chance. Regardless of all I accomplished. Nothing is as it seems and everything changes, right?
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
bdsm, boundaries, breaking up, casual sex, children, coming out, coming out to family, communication, family, foundations, kids, ldr, ldrs, mono poly, mono poly dating nature, mono/poly, moving in, negotiations, poly-fi, poly-fidelous, redpepper, rules, swinging, third partner, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:35 AM.