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  #1691  
Old 05-15-2013, 07:10 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by NutBusterX View Post
Redpepper,
My name is Jim.
I started reading this blog about a week ago, plus or minus. I started at the beginning and read it through to the current days.

You and I emote in very similar ways from what I've read in your posts. I process things like this very hard and take on feelings from others, as well. It's grueling sometimes. The phrase I use is "big feelings, big bruises." I know you're currently in a crucible of doubt and pain and feeling helpless at the moment. The good news is, I also know from this place you are in right now, an evolution will occur in you.

You will get through this. You will find your way through the "lost" and out of the dark.

Lots of people say we are "never given more than we can handle." The often overlooked and nearly never stated part of that idea is that sometimes we aren't given "any less than we can handle."

Take heart, friend, for this is not your end.

chrysalis chrys·a·lis noun \ˈkri-sə-ləs\
2: a protecting covering : a sheltered state or stage of being or growth- Merriam-Webster.com
Thank you Jim. Words I will read over and over again. Thank you
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  #1692  
Old 05-17-2013, 10:17 PM
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Still struggling to sleep. I wake at three in complete panic, full of tears and heart ache. Slowly I am not feeling like that ever moment of the day but changing to quiet resignment.

I find it hard to reach out to people but know that if I do I might find some comfort. Somehow I don't feel worthy if that. Still, I'm pushing through with as many grounding, self loving and concentrated focus on me.

I have a hard time believing that I am still Mono's Lilo in all of this. He is doing his best to show me but I find it placating still. He's bought parts to two up his bike so that I might ride with him. A huge change for him. He's encouraged us to make plans and to keep talking and actively loving each other. All this mixed in with talk of his desire for time and intimacy with T. Its hard to swallow but for some reason I need to know so as to make it real.

I've been talking with Brad regularly and with Derby. Its been slow going and awkward to find a place that works as a friendship between us. Early days yet. Lots in the works I'm sure.

PN's lady needs more time and more space to consider a relationship with him. There are still reservations about his home life. He watches and listens as she continues to date yet spend really nice bonding times with him. I really hope his patience pays off.
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Last edited by redpepper; 05-17-2013 at 10:19 PM.
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  #1693  
Old 05-17-2013, 10:23 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Ouch-so hard when we don't feel like the one we thought we were (your comment of not feeling like lilo anymore).
I remember feeling that way. It hurts.

The bike thing, that IS HUGE! I saw him post pics of you preparing to go for a ride.
Have you let yourself really ponder how significant the changes within him to decide to ride double with you?

I know-so much pain and hurt and frustration can be overwhelming and take over.
Let yourself revel in the little gifts-like prepping the bike for dbl riding.

It is hard to reach out when we are hurting! Even if we know we need support, we don't feel like we can ask for it. Sigh.

I have no great words of advice-but I'm still sending positive thoughts in your direction and lots of hugs too.
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  #1694  
Old 05-17-2013, 10:49 PM
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Thanks LR. Its just helpful to know its possible to get through it..
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  #1695  
Old 05-18-2013, 10:18 PM
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Hugs x x
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  #1696  
Old 05-19-2013, 01:38 AM
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Default Scrap the scab

It's sometimes difficult to find ourselves in the way people see us.
Life has its turns and its points d'attackes but, picking at ourselves as if we were a scab is one way the psyche stalls itself from realizing its potential.
I just spent a few days blocked off from life for similar reasons and going for that bike ride and just letting lose could be what you need! For me it was a quiet solo paddle in the Gully out back.

C reminded me rather forcefully that moping isn't solving.

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  #1697  
Old 05-20-2013, 05:13 AM
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We've been celebrating LB's birthay at the cabin my parents built on one of the neighbouring islands. Its been a fun weekend of much relaxing. Almost slept last night. I'm hoping for a full night tonight. Something about freah air, quiet and change of scene. Its been out of the ordinary and that has heen good.

PN has been distracted and somewhat grumpy. He's not really wanted to participate in events or activities and now as I write is preparing to set up bed in the car rather than spend another night in the cabin. I don't know what is going on but he seems distant.

Mono has spent the day merrily chatting with T and engaging in the family including my brother, step sister and parents. I seem to have fucked up communicating with T and don't know how to change that. She sees my grief as "slamming" Mono when I talk to her. She doesn't get me it seems. I am angry, in disbelief, sad, and waaaaay far behind their reality. Slamming him is part of that I'm sure but how do I get her to see my perspective? Oh. Ya. She's in lala land over him. I doubt I can.
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Last edited by redpepper; 05-20-2013 at 05:07 PM.
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  #1698  
Old 05-20-2013, 06:46 AM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
We've been celebrating LB's birthay at the cabin my parents built on one of the neighbouring islands. Its been a fun weekend of much relaxing. Almost slept last night. I'm hoping for a full night tonight. Something about freah air, quiet and change of scene. Its been out of the ordinary and that has heen good.

PN has been distracted and somewhat grumpy. He's not realky wanted to participate in events or activities and now as I write os preparing to set up bed in the car rather than spend another night in the cabin. I don't know what is going on but he seems distant.

Mono has spent the day merrily chatting with T and engaging in the family including my brother, step sister and parents. I seem to have fucked up communicating with T and don't know how to change that. She sees my grief as "slamming" Mono when I talk to her. She doesn't get me it seems. I am angry, in disbelief, sad, and waaaaay far behind their reality. Slamming him is part of that I'm sure but how do I get her to see my perspective? Oh. Ya. She's in lala land over him. I doubt I can.

Your issues with him are germane to your relationship with him. Not sure that its right or decent to lay your soul bare (or complain about him) to someone who doesn't want or need to hear it. Besides, if you were her, would you view someone like yourself as being remotely objective about Mono? Hope not.

Were I her, I'd avoid you like the plague, in a polite sort of way. Being in lala land would have nothing to do with it.
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  #1699  
Old 05-20-2013, 05:18 PM
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Originally Posted by monkeystyle View Post
Your issues with him are germane to your relationship with him. Not sure that its right or decent to lay your soul bare (or complain about him) to someone who doesn't want or need to hear it. Besides, if you were her, would you view someone like yourself as being remotely objective about Mono? Hope not.

Were I her, I'd avoid you like the plague, in a polite sort of way. Being in lala land would have nothing to do with it.
You're right. I'm sure she doesn't want to hear me complain.

I wrote her again last night and told her that my perspective and thoughts are skewed by grief and that it can be expected that I might come off as negative. The nature of my messages have been informative more than anything as I haven't been sure she is being told why I am struggling so much. I asked her what her attraction is as she knows what its like to be involved in a cheating relationship and I am surprised she would not have some feelings about that kind of behaviour. I haven't mentioned my feelings towards him. But ya. It would come off as negative.

We seem to have some talk going on now. I'm understanding more. Its a start.
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  #1700  
Old 05-20-2013, 07:00 PM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
You're right. I'm sure she doesn't want to hear me complain.

I wrote her again last night and told her that my perspective and thoughts are skewed by grief and that it can be expected that I might come off as negative. The nature of my messages have been informative more than anything as I haven't been sure she is being told why I am struggling so much. I asked her what her attraction is as she knows what its like to be involved in a cheating relationship and I am surprised she would not have some feelings about that kind of behaviour. I haven't mentioned my feelings towards him. But ya. It would come off as negative.

We seem to have some talk going on now. I'm understanding more. Its a start.
I think I'm missing the cheating part. If you've already written about it somewhere in this tome, I apologize in advance for asking how their relationship got started? Was it an emotional or physical affair that you weren't aware of?

Last edited by monkeystyle; 05-20-2013 at 07:20 PM.
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