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  #1571  
Old 12-31-2012, 07:42 AM
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Dream sweet friend and rest well.
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  #1572  
Old 12-31-2012, 08:37 AM
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My heart aches for you - for the loss of trust of belief in your life that you are experiencing.

I hope that you find peace and security in your world again in the not too distant future.
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  #1573  
Old 12-31-2012, 08:49 AM
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I totally get what your situation must be like, I guess I would feel pretty much the same when I imagine this to happen to me and one of my men. Totally changing the familiar and comfortable set of ground rules, even acting against established boundaries that made you feel comfortable in the given relationship and claiming to have the right to shut down and separate major parts of his life from you ... I wouldn't know with what I am suppose to work on the former 'us' to stay connected at all. You have every right to feel hurt and pain from my point of view and I hope things work out somehow. Even though I have no idea how you will manage this mess. Hoping for the best for the two of you.
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  #1574  
Old 12-31-2012, 01:17 PM
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Ugh, what a mess.


Maybe it's a mid life crisis? Men can be so identified with their jobs... maybe he's gone a bit crazy and will eventually come to earth and want to find you waiting there on the ground.
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  #1575  
Old 12-31-2012, 05:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Ugh, what a mess.


Maybe it's a mid life crisis? Men can be so identified with their jobs... maybe he's gone a bit crazy and will eventually come to earth and want to find you waiting there on the ground.
I had thought that too Magdlyn and so we keep talking and walking through it all.

We've managed to agree that I will stop prying for details about what has happened and he will dump the DADT policy he took up of his own accord. He will tell me when and if he is interested in someone else and I will expect certain details out of that.

He's going to spend time with his female friend and I think that is an excellent idea at this point. Her and I have been in contact and I trust her. I don't trust him, but I trust her judgment about her own boundaries.

Another woman to talk to who understands him in a way I don't might help. I asked that he keep his passion for her to a minimum and he said he is happy to just have a friend. We will see what the future holds for that, but for now we have settled. Now to go about trusting a man without the full story to base trust on. I'm hoping I can just let go of it.
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  #1576  
Old 01-01-2013, 03:30 AM
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Trust is something that relies on faith, at least where I'm concerned. At this point, knowing will not change anything. Trust is something that you do. This is one situation where fake it til you make it works.
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  #1577  
Old 01-02-2013, 05:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter View Post
Trust is something that relies on faith, at least where I'm concerned. At this point, knowing will not change anything. Trust is something that you do. This is one situation where fake it til you make it works.
Good point BD. Thank you.

I am managing much better now. I have been paranoid a few times and fear rises. I'm mostly paranoid about his phone and him receiving messages from women he is arranging to meet up with without my knowledge. I know it will take time and its helped to just be honest about it. He's shown me his phone and that everything on it is what he says it is. I know things can be erased and moved though but I don't allow myself to put my head there. It will take time and faith (as you say BD).

New years last night was a good one. Relaxed, lots of good people whom I love and know well. Lots of hugs and love. I was grateful. I was emotional and in pain, but today I feel as if I purged it somehow. I enjoyed Mono laughing and goofing around with Brad, watching Derby flit about, dancing, chatting with old friends and crashing at 2am. PN decided to go to a musical event and I missed him, but he had a great time and we all did what we wanted.
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  #1578  
Old 01-05-2013, 08:50 PM
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Had my anniversary with Mono yesterday. Four years. We had a lovely night connecting and talking about our lives. He visited with his female friend yesterday and it seems to of gone well. He seems happy to be able to spend time with her. I'm happy for him. Compersion.

I had some time with Brad this week where he and I regrouped. I don't expect to have the same amount or time I once had. I am not as emotionally available as I was and while I think it's temporary I didn't want him to expect as much availability as I once had. I am still regrouping myself as the extent of flirting and propositioning Mono did unfolds. I don't want to make a big deal of it, but I feel as if every female in my proximity was part of it all and it's made me very uncomfortable to be present with anyone. It's keeping me distant for now. I've lost my confidence. I suspect that's temporary also. I dunno. For now I'm too exhausted to know anything.

I am gearing up to do burlesque and spend time concentrating on my own life. I'm thinking of my life as someone who is alone in it. Solo poly. I am not sure if that will bring me success in terms of comfort or what changes that will bring, if any, but I believe it will keep me from being co-dependent. I no longer seem to be able to relate in terms of tribe or family. At least not right now. Not when I'm so vulnerable right now. I love my partners but I am no longer attached it seems. Sigh. Grieving that. I need some layers.

I wish I was one of those people that don't share so much. I suspect a lot of judgments and eye rolling with this post. Part of my lack of confidence in guess.
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  #1579  
Old 01-05-2013, 10:09 PM
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I for one think you are doing very well with these changes and challenges all things considered, I'm guessing personally I would've cut and run from Mono a few months ago, as the idea of a partner cheating (whether it be physically, or being open to it) is the most terrifying thing for me. However it works out for you, I think it takes strength to not jump to rash decisions, and to take the time to make the decisions that are right for you.

I don't envy the position you are in. I think it's a very interesting mental shift you've decided to try to make mentally from "family" to solo poly - one that doesn't have to mean anything in practice, but obviously can have both pros and cons emotionally. I'll keep my fingers crossed that it's mostly pros for you.
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  #1580  
Old 01-05-2013, 10:38 PM
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Pros and cons. Yes I think that likely there will be both. Thanks for your post A. I always said that any sign of cheating would be a deal breaker and now I find I am eating my words. Its not so simple. There was and is a lot at stake. Its not just about me.

I realize through all this that I was wrong. I believed that coming together as a family tribe would help me with my abandonment issues and anxiety about belonging. I breed it in my head (in large part, not all) what I was recieving from others in turn for my giving myself away entirely. I didn't give to myself. I shoved down myself to be everything to everyone in order for them to love me.

I think that I was essentially in a monogamous relationship with people and that wasn't healthy for me. It was co-dependant (or whatever other word suits). I was not my own primary, I did everything for everyone else. I always have. It was the same stuff I was dealing with all my life, only bigger and with more people. Its made burn out on poly huge now.

I was so na´ve to think poly was the answer. I think that monogamy might be now. Sure, I could equally be as hurt, but really, I don't think there is much more to take than what its like to be with four people to think about. To me it seems easy to deal with one person now. Even if they treat me badly.

The grief of one person's stuff is easier than the cascade effect of dealing with four people as a result of dealing with one person treating me badly. In monogamy the pain and hurt only effects the couple. That seems far more appealing now. Not as many ripples.

How do I create autonomy, belonging and enjoy the HUGE love I once had. How do I honour my partners in all this. How can i take away what they have known to try something new? What is that "new" thing anyway? I guess that's all part of life; figuring that shit out. It will come. It always does. I will do something, reach the end of it, and do something else... Life goes on.
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