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  #1431  
Old 08-09-2012, 09:26 PM
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Awww, RP, your celebration sounds so beautiful. Happy Anniversary!
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  #1432  
Old 08-10-2012, 01:20 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
"I might share my heart with many but I married the right man."
This.

Each year my bond with MrS gets deeper and stronger. We love and like each other more with each passing year. People may question how poly and marriage can be compatible; my marriage may be different than what many people envision marriage to be...but my journey has been immeasurably enriched by sharing it with this particular man. Lucky girl!

Happy Anniversary RP and PN!

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #1433  
Old 08-10-2012, 06:40 AM
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Thanks
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  #1434  
Old 08-12-2012, 08:47 PM
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Considering my previous role as secondary today... Stuff to do with my expectation of more consideration than it was considered my due. I was a secondary in every sense of the word. Disposable and not the same value as a wife and anyone who came before me. I was expected to not ask to be considered, just be entertaining until the novelty wears off or I become a pain in the ass.

Sigh

Thankfully my new BF does not consider me this way and we are working towards a better understanding of "secondary." He's awesome and we are a good match in terms of ethics.
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  #1435  
Old 08-15-2012, 02:18 PM
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Mono goes on a four day bike trip starting today. He takes the 3pm ferry off of our island and then hits the main land and mountains for a glorious weekend ride with his buddies. He plans to not wash or shave for the whole trip. Last night he shave up (he shaves just about everything) we had a shower and had an early night of closeness.

My skin smells like him as I crawl out of bed for another work day this morning. I miss him already.
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  #1436  
Old 08-16-2012, 06:36 AM
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I had a really nice date with Brad today. We went to the art gallery. It was probably the coolest place in town today. I enjoyed their air conditioning. We don't generally use air conditioning here as it never gets too hot or cold. Today however was 30 degrees celsius. Ya, I know, not as hot as elsewhere, but when you haven't had that in over a year it felt hot!

The artist we saw was William Kuralek. One of my favorites from my childhood as he was a Canadian pioneer and folk story teller with his paintings. Not to mention he painted in a near by city to where I grew up. My brother and I poured over a book my parents had when we were teens. I talked about him with Brad as we went from painting to painting and was so thrilled that he was interested. The library has opening time that aren't good for anyone else but him and I so I was glad that at least one of my loves could come with me. It was the third time I had been

Brad and I have been planning out camping trip for the weekend together with his wife and its coming together nicely. We have a treasure hunt planned, hot dog stick making and tye dying. LB is bringing his best friend and they are both bringing their bikes so all in all it will be a really fun time.

I have a little bit of apprehension about meeting Brad's wife's boyfriend who also dates Leo's wife however. I am concerned that what he has heard about me will sway him to his opinion of me before even getting there. Likely he won't talk to me much anyway, but it still concerns me a bit. It'll be fine I'm sure. I planned the treasure hunt for then so hopefully an activity will bring everyone together... including the three 9 year old boys that will be there as LB, his best friend and this man's boy, are all 9.

I talked with Ken on the phone this week and basically we said our good byes. He told me he now understands why I backed out of our friendship so that he could discover all he could with my co-worker. He said I was right, she is very monogamous and that she would feel very threatened with me in his life as his feelings for me have not and will not change. He can understand that that would make both of our work lives difficult and that it makes sense to just not go there. He has decided that his new girlfriend is worth the effort at this point and that I can be put on a back burner in terms or a friendship. I told him I wouldn't be part of their relationship as a go between as I won't be talking about either of them to the other. I will text him when I feel like it and he can do the same, but that is now the extent of our relationship. Sigh...

Its bitter sweet. I am happy for them, but sad and miss him also. Its not the same sad as missing Brad when I don't see him for a week (our usual), but the kind of missing that is hopeless. I know that feeling far too well this year and it leaves a hurt in my throat.

I am beginning to spend time with horses again. The friend who's wedding I went to in Vegas with my ex wife invited me to come and help her muck the horses at the stables she rides at. She talked to the owner and he is in agreement that he would be okay with me riding them so long as she is with me for the first times.

It makes me so happy I have cried about it. I never thought I would be on a horse again without someone leading me down a path holding the reins. I used to show jump when I was a child and was really good at it. It was one of the few activities I loved as a child actually. I was put in many different after school activities and that was the only one that stuck. I spent every weekend with my co-owned horse "Lexington." The experience of mucking the horses and bringing them in for the night as brought back a ton of good memories.

Mono's crush came back yesterday. I have gone into protect mode with him a little. Asking him questions like when he is going to see her. Has she started texting him yet. Is he excited that she's back... reminding him of various things he said to me about her and asking about those.... All testing, of course, to see where he is at. He has told me not to worry. He thinks its unlikely that he will text her anymore and likely won't be going out for coffee with her and that he has no intension of starting anything up with her again. I reminded him that he said that he is used to saying good-bye to people and picking up where he left off as soon as he sees them again. I expect that he will do the same with her. He didn't have anything to say about that, so now I wait until he comes back from his trip and a time when he sees her again. I wonder how to handle it and do my best to just not think too much. I hope if I don't think I will ease nicely into them being able to be friends without too much need for working on my issues. Ha! Fat chance. Bottom line is that I don't want him to see her and don't want to deal with it at all. Really, quite frankly, I want him all to myself as promised and that is that. I am such a child. I realize it makes no sense... so I fight those feelings and will just have to deal with it if need be.
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  #1437  
Old 08-16-2012, 07:24 AM
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Please don't waste energy stressing about what the boyfriend will think (easier said than done huh?) I always get the impression women are more gossipy than men, be it to warn or put down or talk about each others love lives. Men usually strike me as more interested in making their own observations and decisions about a person, at least I've watched the ones I'm close to hear all sorts of things about romantic interests, and not care about anything other than the interaction they have with the person themselves.

It has been awhile now since you and Leo broke up, I don't remember ever getting the impression that you did, or thought you did, something wrong. Not sure what conclusions you came to when you went over this whole thread for introspection like you said you were going to do. I don't know if you think Leo & and/or his wife are saying things that ring true for you or just spouting BS. I was trying to look over the past to try to brush up on what happened, and I ran into some stuff you wrote in January about her going out with somebody you'd been talking to then having sex with them quickly (not 100% sure if this was the guy Leo broke up with you over).

I got the idea that you felt in a bit of a competition with her, and of course at that time were frustrated by your agreements to not be sexual with him, and then you found out she was not OK with you and Leo having sex. I wonder if you still feel in competition with her in some way, maybe just as a poly person. Maybe you are feeling upset you didn't do things differently/change agreements with Mono then and there, and it is coloring how you see things. I can tell that you are really uncomfortable hanging out in similar social circles but I'm not clear on how much of that is just your perception of the situation.

You posted a lot at that time before you broke up about how seeing Leo was stressful, I'm not clear if it was just the non sexual bf thing, you are clear that you two agreed you had different love languages, desires, and so on for a relationship. I just want to say I hate seeing that you are still being affected by it over 6 months later, when at the time it always seemed like you were trying to be clear and honest and loving. Maybe you should reread your posts in February about how you know you didn't do anything wrong?

Sigh anyway, I just don't like you still being tortured by this, maybe its a west coast female support thing? I know the whole issue is wrapped up in a confusing tangle with Leo and the woman Mono was talking with coming back, and new stuff with Brad and the horrible high school feeling of "that girl is talking shit about me and I don't know whats being said and I feel kinda paranoid every time I meet somebody new who might think badly of me". I wish I had a good suggestion, but I'd just say if you have a counselor, ask for some, or pick up your favorite book that reminds you that you're awesome.
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  #1438  
Old 08-16-2012, 03:33 PM
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Anneintherain- thanks for writing.

For the record I was lead to believe she jumped into a sexual relationship with both feet and yes that was hard for me due to the status of my own relationship with her husband. It made me angry and resentful. Not towards her, but about my own situation and it felt unfair. That has since been resolved between Mono and I and my new relationship with Brad includes sex.

I talk to the man she was with often now. This is a new man I will meet on Saturday. The man she was with back then is the husband of Derby's love interest now. I am glad to create some water under that bridge now as it makes socializing a lot easier.

Anyway, we never talk about what happened for him back in January, so I don't know what happened there. I don't care to know. Its nothing to do with me and unless he brings it all up for some particular reason there is no need to. I figure that if there is a direct reason to talk it out then its worth hashing out details, but if there is no direct reason then its his story to tell. He knows mine already.

I told him way back that I was not going to pursue a friendship with him until he and Leo's wife were not together any more. They aren't now I am told. Back then I had heard that she said she would rather not have him in her life if it meant I would be in her life more. I took that very seriously and have done everything I can to not be. This city is small though and its impossible, so I've given up at this point. It was making me anxious and resentful to be constantly concerned for her well being. It just seemed ridiculous and futile for me to be that considerate of her feelings. If in fact she still feels that way. I don't even know.

As an aside: its interesting to me that I have also backed out of Ken's life with the same kind of idea... That of allowing Ken and my co-workers relationship to be Redpepper free so as to allow their relationship to flourish. Just put that together actually. Need to think more on that.

This is a hot topic in my life right now as Ken's ex has been talking to various people in my community. Its a very sensitive area for me in general for various reasons that I think I've wrote about in this blog somewhere. In a nut shell I was taken to court once by a woman who turned out to have borderline personality disorder and although the case fell through for her it scared me greatly. I miscarried at three and a half monthes as a result (I think). Very stressful.

Ken's ex has the same diagnosis as the woman who took me to court. I've had therapy, yet I continue to search for that place in me that doesn't give a shit what people think. I am actually closer than it reads here all of this past year has helped with that. Instead of burying the experience I have embraced it with open arms and have walked through it. This weekend will be a moment of doing that again, but I am strong and I think it will mostly be interesting than painful.

Its actually less of a deal to me than comes across here. Mostly I'm excited about meeting my bf's wife's bf. Ha! Catch that? Her and I have talked a lot about their situation and it will be nice to put a face to the words.
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Last edited by redpepper; 08-16-2012 at 04:31 PM.
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  #1439  
Old 08-21-2012, 08:31 PM
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I feel a bit out of control right now and am hoping that by processing here I will get my ducks in a row.

Met Brad's wife's bf who is also seeing Leo's wife while camping with Brad this weekend. Apparently they are just friends though, but who knows what is going on. Anyway, he was grascious enough to include me in their conversations and talked mostly to Brad and I at first. We talked about movie mostly.

I met his kids and wife too. The boy asked me several times why my boy, LB, wasn't there as he has been expecting to meet him. Unfortunately the treasure hunt I had planned was not going to work as LB and his best friend had to leave before they got there. I asked if they would be interested in doing it at another time and they seemed to be open to that.

Later I talked to the wife of the couple and we had a long chat about poly dynamics and the importance of pacing, consideration of everyone involved, not taking on other peoples issues yet respecting that they have them etc. They are all very new and she pointed this out several times. The communication thing seems to of had its doors opened wide for all of them. It was exciting to see how excited she was. She seemed to think that at some point there would be some settling and we laughed that after 13 years (?) Of doing this, the settling is very short lived.

We made them a fantastic salmon dinner and all were quite settled and relaxed by the time they left. I was so nervous ahead of time. Brad held me as I cried in fear of what they might think of me. I was out of my element without the support of Mono, Derby and PN. I rely on them to turn to, but found that Brad was there for me. It was a moving and special moment for us. One of many this weekend.

Back to work and to the return of my co-worker. Its going pretty well. She is consumed with several things in her life and I think she thinks I made a choice between Brad and Ken. I didn't, as I don't pick favourites as a rule, but if she is happy with that, then I will be too. We don't talk about Ken or our relationship lives at all. I don't know if that will ever change, but for now at least we are able to work together. My ultimate goal.

Mono came back from his trip and hasn't been enitrely present. I haven't heard much from him other than his retirement stress. He commented on the lack of talking about anything deep for four days and I took that to mean that I should not talk about stuff. So I haven't. I don't do well with that, but I don't know what else to do.

There has been little opportunity to talk anyway, but really I don't think he wants to get into anything major and wishes I would go elsewhere for that. I told him I just want to be near him and that is all. If we spend dates having sex and just sitting together, that would be fine.

Mono's crush interest is back and posting all over his fb again. I heard her voice on the phone too. I don't know if she is also texting, but her presence is very "there." I asked him for reasurance once and he has given it to me in the form of blowing off any kind of connection with her. I am trying to trust that as I owe it to him to believe that, but its hard. He doesn't tell me anything and when I ask I get so much information on what they talk about that I am blown away after at how much contact they have. Or I percieve they have. I just keep breathing.

Derby is on holiday. I meet her at polycamp in NW Washington this next weekend. I can't wait to see her. It sounds like she is having a fabulous time traveling with her family. She needed the break.

I decided to do a burlesque number at camp. I'm more nervous that ever. Something about it is different and more intimate. I have two shows coming up after it that have got me right back into the swing of it.

PN has been emailing back and forth to an ex of his that I once new on the forum. Stories of her are on this blog from way back in the summer of 2010. I'm happy for him. I don't know if it is going anywhere, but I am happy they are enjoying each others company again.

LB did really well camping without his dad and best buddy. He had his best friend there though and the two of them were a pleasure to be with. They played a little with Brad's boy who is five years younger than they are. I got a bit of child free time for half the weekend as PN came and got the boys on Saturday afternoon. We all went for a hike to a nearby falls, had a snack and they headed home.

Tonight is poly pub night and Brad and PN are coming with me. The evening divided between the two. Tomorrow I am seeing a movie at a drive in with Brad and Mono. The next day I am visiting with my ex wife who is in town and packing for camp. This weekend I will be off line for three days... Sweet bliss with three of my loves at poly camp. "! Is coming too. I will be wishing Brad was there and Ken too as he originally was going to go. Still, I need the break and it will be super fun.
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Last edited by redpepper; 08-21-2012 at 11:06 PM.
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  #1440  
Old 08-22-2012, 02:43 PM
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Mono and I had a blow out yesterday. He came back from his trip straight into seeing his friend that he had/has a crush on and hasn't done any of the things I requested. I called him on it yesterday and it ended in a fight.

I don't do well with vague responses to questions and that's what I got from him. I can't figure out if its just not a big deal to him or if he is hiding something. Maybe he is simply overwhelmed. He won't say either way how he is feeling about anything and hasn't given me any indication that what I ask is true or false. Questions like, "are you going to see her" are answered with laughs and word that avoid what I am asking. Frustrating.

I suspected that he just isn't thinking about it at all so I asked after awhile of yelling and he said he doesn't actually. For some reason this set me off more than ever. I reminded him that I had asked for reassurance from him where she is concerned. When she came home she was immediately writing on his fb wall, and around in his life, everything that was left back when she left came right back for me. It was picked right up again.

I asked that he reassure me when she came back and would of at least liked to of been asked how I am doing with her return or given some indication that my place in his life is solid. What with his distraction over retiring soon I am often left feeling ignored and disconnected. I take it on as her being his focus.

I don't think he gets why I feel this way. To me he was dishonest and hasn't worked back my trust. I'm sorry that it takes time and effort and that he would prefer I just get over it, but I'm afraid I am not able to without his help. He doesn't seem to want to give me any so now I must decide how to handle it.

I think at this point my choices are limited. I am going to work on being more approachable so that he feels he can talk to me. I don't really know how to do that. Half of my concerns would not of built if he had done what I asked of him so now I have to find reassurance elsewhere.

I can see that I just have to drop it and carry on with other distractions. I could pick any number of things to do that but all of them lead me to being further and further from my already tenuous connection to him. We haven't had a moment to reconnect since he got back and I don't see that coming. It scares me. Still, I guess I just have to trust in the universe that this is just how it is and that everything will play out as it will.

Ideally, in time, my goal is to be perfectly fine with his wanting to spend time with her. Crossing fingers that I can do that as right now I don't see how I will ever be okay. I told Mono that and I hope that I won't feel that way forever.
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Last edited by redpepper; 08-22-2012 at 02:58 PM.
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