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  #1301  
Old 04-20-2012, 12:12 AM
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Thanks NYCindie, I am enjoying seeing where it all goes. I don't think Leo is a scmuck and I don't think he only wanted me around as a decoration. I think we just missed our boat way back when and I think he just had other priorities other than me that pulled him away in the end. I don't really know what happened in the end, but I am sure there is stuff that I just didn't understand. He's on a different path now and whether it crosses mine again I don't know, but I don't hate him and don't think less of him. I think my understanding of things were different than his and it tore us apart. In the end we just were not compatitble at the time. It is what it is.
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  #1302  
Old 04-23-2012, 09:01 PM
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Okay, I have to admit, I'm afraid. I'm doing my best to face my fears, but quite frankly I don't think I can without something solid to feel reassured about.

I'm afraid that Mono will hit the roof if I decide to make my new friend another partner, either that or leave me because he finds himself unable to handle it or loses interest in me sexually.

I'm afraid that Derby will feel left out due to constricted time or will be indoctrinated with my new friends ex needing support.

I'm afraid that PN will feel his sex life with me threatened as we don't have sex often. We get along better than ever, but our sex life is not very frequent. I fear he will be jealous.

I fear that I will be yelled at by my new friends ex. She is doing great according to him; really getting on with her life, working hard on herself. I wonder if she is doing that to prove a point or to get back at him in some way ("see, I don't need you"). I am waiting for the other shoe to drop as their break up has seemed too easy so far. Time will tell.

I'm afraid he is not getting his needs met sexually as he seems to of been used to a great sex life with his ex, just not a great relationship life. I am not putting out and although he says he doesn't want that and would rather not than wreck our friendship, I can see all over his face that he desires that closeness and wishes we had that together. He looks sad about it actually. I'm not sure what that is about but it makes me feel like he might think I am leading him on. I can't predict where my feelings will end up and so feel guilty that I am not able to give him what he needs. I have suggested several people he could date or have sex with, but he's waiting for me. Besides, he's decided that just sex is not going to work for him any more. He's had that and its not been a healthy situation for him.

This whole thing brings all the stuff with Leo up again and again. I feel very stuck. I know I have to just take a chance, but I can't seem to put myself over that edge because of this fear of being hurt, abandoned, making someone angry or disappointed, threatened or jealous.

I know it could very well be worth it just to see. I know I have no control over anyone but me. But when does considering others end and considering myself start? I am happy where I am at, I think. I have a full and busy life with some wonderful partners, family and friends. Do I really have room for more? Do I need more? Part of me reminds myself that love is abundant, time isn't. I spend little time with him and likely that will continue, I can't see how the time thing will change from what we have been doing for about 6 weeks now, its just my head that has to change and maybe a little bit of the circumstances.

I feel so anxious and uptight after the visit I had with him today. I told him that I would like to be asked on a date after a couple of months if he is interested in that, but I would prefer he bring it up with my partners first as a respect thing to them. I suggested he let them know he would like to ask me out when he is ready and we can have a proper date. He looked confused and said he would but wasn't sure why I would ask this. I told him because I wanted my partners to know that we would be hanging out together in a different way than what we have been. By way of being official about the difference some how. I'm not sure entirely why I need that. He has spoken to them and checked it out already. Maybe its a lot to ask as a boundary?

I dunno, I'm flailing here. I really am lost on this one. I'm hoping it will all come to light somehow. Patience, patience and pacing. Gah! Poly's hard work sometimes like all the time
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Last edited by redpepper; 04-23-2012 at 09:05 PM.
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  #1303  
Old 04-23-2012, 09:29 PM
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Life has a way of working it's self out the way it's supposed to. The thought of change is always frightening. The thing is you're going to have to do what feels right for you. Like you've said to many other people here there isn't any hurry. I'm pretty sure I'm not just speaking for myself here I want to see you happy. If it's going to increase your happiness to include your new friend as a partner then that's what you should do. We regret things we chose not to do far more than things that we chose to do most of the time. Fears are normal and being able to put what you're afraid of out there means that you're going to be able to get the reassurance that you need.
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  #1304  
Old 04-23-2012, 10:54 PM
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Thanks sweets Thanks though for being such a wonderful person in my life. You are very prescious to me. *hugs. See you later.

There is something sad about all this... I'm not sure what. My new friend seems sad and that makes me feel sad.
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Last edited by redpepper; 04-24-2012 at 03:37 AM.
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  #1305  
Old 04-23-2012, 11:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I'm afraid that PN will feel his sex life with me threatened as we don't have sex often. We get along better than ever, but our sex life is not very frequent. I fear he will be jealous.
Can I repeat what I've seen you tell others, TALK TO HIM. Now are you really afraid he would be jealous or are you feeling like you have been caught up in NRE and have been neglecting him? Sounds to me like possibly you are missing him. Sexy date nights are in order.

Quote:
I'm afraid he is not getting his needs met sexually as he seems to of been used to a great sex life with his ex, just not a great relationship life.
This is NOT your responsibility to fix! Just because you enjoy his company and he might be sexually frustrated doesn't mean you have push yourself into something you don't really feel comfortable with yet.

Quote:
I am not putting out and although he says he doesn't want that and would rather not than wreck our friendship, I can see all over his face that he desires that closeness and wishes we had that together. He looks sad about it actually. I'm not sure what that is about but it makes me feel like he might think I am leading him on. I can't predict where my feelings will end up and so feel guilty that I am not able to give him what he needs. I have suggested several people he could date or have sex with, but he's waiting for me. Besides, he's decided that just sex is not going to work for him any more. He's had that and its not been a healthy situation for him.
Stop stressing about what you think you read on his face. Sounds like you might be projecting things onto this guy based on your experience with Leo and others in your past. Stating that your not ready to cross certain lines is NOT leading him on and if he needs more it's his responsibility to speak up, not yours to guess and feel guilty about words unsaid.

Deep breath, sit back and just enjoy his company.
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  #1306  
Old 04-24-2012, 03:33 AM
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Can I repeat what I've seen you tell others, TALK TO HIM. Now are you really afraid he would be jealous or are you feeling like you have been caught up in NRE and have been neglecting him? Sounds to me like possibly you are missing him. Sexy date nights are in order.
I don't think I have been neglecting him in any other way than maybe sexually. I am trying not to feel guilty, because when I do I just put out and don't connect with him when we have sex. We've talked about it. Its not anything new. Its part of our usual eb and flow. We never really did have an exuberant sex life I don't think. Its good, but not frequent. Married sex can be like that sometimes for some people

As for NRE I am not allowing myself to feel that and wonder if I really have any... Also something to wait and see about.

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This is NOT your responsibility to fix! Just because you enjoy his company and he might be sexually frustrated doesn't mean you have push yourself into something you don't really feel comfortable with yet.
Yes, I agree. I wouldn't and don't push myself to put out any more with anyone. I just end up feeling resentful, pressured and used when I do. I feel sad for him and that he misses that kind of closeness.

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Stop stressing about what you think you read on his face. Sounds like you might be projecting things onto this guy based on your experience with Leo and others in your past. Stating that your not ready to cross certain lines is NOT leading him on and if he needs more it's his responsibility to speak up, not yours to guess and feel guilty about words unsaid.

Deep breath, sit back and just enjoy his company.
It turns out I was right, he is feeling sad. Mostly about what he hasn't given to his kids due to his past. He realises now how much his life could of been different years ago I think and that it took so long to make those changes. I don't feel I can explain much more than that, but he is sad underneath the happy smile. He did tell me that I am a huge source of happiness in his life because I listen to him, ask questions, am teaching him some things and care about him in a way he has never had before. He says he loves me for that. It brings him happiness that I have become someone of value in his life in terms of being a reminder that he can ask for his needs to be met, feel worthy of love and attention and that he is worth working on issues with.

He does need to speak up and I do need to keep my boundaries. Thanks for that reminder and all your reminders SNeacail
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  #1307  
Old 04-24-2012, 04:00 AM
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RP, I think there are a few things you need to do.

First, you just really need to ask yourself what you want. Not what you think will be best for everyone, not what you think might be expected of you, but what YOU want. When you're with your new friend (NF for short?), do you feel like you want to get closer, share more emotional and physical intimacy? Is there an urge or a tug that you cannot shake that you feel you must explore? Or are you perfectly satisfied with a close platonic friendship with him? It sounds like you want more than a platonic friendship, since you told him you'd like to go out on a date with him eventually.

Once you figure that out, you will know whether to back off and ask NF to respect your boundaries or to start talking more seriously with your current partners about this. And then take baby steps to renegotiate your agreements and boundaries with them. Maybe NF will be more like a FWB than a partner. I know that's not usually your thing, but it could work.

Regarding PN and Mono (I'm not including Derby since she's already read this and written to you, so she's in the loop), there is also nothing wrong with saying to them how confused and scared you are. "Hey guys, I'm confused and don't know what to do, and I worry about how you would feel if I have an additional lover, and I want to do everything I can to stay connected with you both." You say that you're afraid Mono will hit the roof - just try not to get defensive and wind up in a fight if he does. But somehow I think he won't. I think he will probably be willing to talk as much as you need to with him. Ask him to examine within himself if he can handle it or if he thinks he would lose interest in you. Ask him how committed he would be to you if there was one more man in your life. I know you will not take any steps unless you have reached some sort of agreement for how it can go.

NF is not Leo, so put that whole drama out of your mind. And realize that you and all your loves are not the same people you were when you were struggling with issues around that relationship. Everyone grows and changes.
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-24-2012 at 04:03 AM.
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  #1308  
Old 04-24-2012, 06:43 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
First, you just really need to ask yourself what you want. Not what you think will be best for everyone, not what you think might be expected of you, but what YOU want. When you're with your new friend (NF for short?), do you feel like you want to get closer, share more emotional and physical intimacy? Is there an urge or a tug that you cannot shake that you feel you must explore? Or are you perfectly satisfied with a close platonic friendship with him? It sounds like you want more than a platonic friendship, since you told him you'd like to go out on a date with him eventually.
I feel the urge to be closer to him physically and emotionally, yes. I question whether or not its because I find him interesting and unique and it makes me want to know him more or if its because I am attracted to him beyond that.

I would have a close friendship with him, sure. I definitely don't want him out of my life or in it less than he is now. If nothing else I am sure we will be close friends.

I think that perhaps by asking him to ask me on a date at some point I am giving us a chance to be together outside of friendship to see how that would feel. Really all we have had is a few walks, coffee together and spent time with other people. A date where we go and do something for a longer period of time that involves going and doing something might help decide where we are going. I really can't tell by texting constantly and spending no more than an hour together at a time. You know how big I am on spending time with people. I never got into relationships where there is distance of any kind. Look at Leo and our once a month dates. They just didn't work for me. This is similar to that. I can't seem to figure it out because I don't think we have spent the right amount of quality time needed to really know where we are going.

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Maybe NF will be more like a FWB than a partner. I know that's not usually your thing, but it could work.
It could work. Remember way back when when I dated a friend and called him my "fancy?" He was more a friend than a partner. I could go there again. Maybe NF (shortening that is a good idea I think, thanks ) could be a tersiary. I don't like the idea of giving him a title that indicates his status though... I think it might be best to think of him as a certain person under a certain description and then not use the title out loud.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Regarding PN and Mono (I'm not including Derby since she's already read this and written to you, so she's in the loop), there is also nothing wrong with saying to them how confused and scared you are. "Hey guys, I'm confused and don't know what to do, and I worry about how you would feel if I have an additional lover, and I want to do everything I can to stay connected with you both." You say that you're afraid Mono will hit the roof - just try not to get defensive and wind up in a fight if he does. But somehow I think he won't. I think he will probably be willing to talk as much as you need to with him. Ask him to examine within himself if he can handle it or if he thinks he would lose interest in you. Ask him how committed he would be to you if there was one more man in your life. I know you will not take any steps unless you have reached some sort of agreement for how it can go.
I have done all you suggest here... many times. Sometime I think more than I needed to and that everyone is just getting annoyed and waiting for me to say, "hey, we are dating" or "hey, we decided to be friends." I suspect I might get an eye roll and a response something like "its about freakin' time you figured that out."

You are right, I will not take any step unless I reach an agreement with them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
NF is not Leo, so put that whole drama out of your mind. And realize that you and all your loves are not the same people you were when you were struggling with issues around that relationship. Everyone grows and changes.
Thanks I will do my best to remember that.

This relationship is vastly different in so many ways. I don't sense my disposableness like I did when I was with Leo (I did in the last year with him). I always thought I was seeing him on borrowed time. All the way through the years we were together. This man is eager to spend any second he can with me and often goes out of his way to see me. He will leave work to find me across the city to go for a walk for a half hour. No, this man is far more attentive to my needs than Leo ever was. I feel completely loved and honoured by him. His devotion to what we have is evident daily. I have even asked him if my texting, over thinking, questions and constant need to be in touch is bothering him and he has said absolutely not. He welcomes my contact and seeks me out if I don't contact him(I've tested that out several times). I suspect that he will find someone with more time at some point though. I worry that I am only a bridge to finding someone to be with that is more available. There is no doubt that he is NOT at all like Leo. Now that I think about it he is completely opposite in many ways.
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Last edited by redpepper; 04-24-2012 at 06:48 AM.
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  #1309  
Old 04-24-2012, 07:01 AM
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Thanks for all the insigthful questions. They have been super helpful.
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  #1310  
Old 05-05-2012, 05:56 AM
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I can't remember where I was at from last time.

My new friend is becoming a fixture. Still no closer to figuring out the dating part of our relationship but that might be because he is still dealing with the break up he has been going through. She thinks he will come back it seems. He has three times before so I can see why. It usually occurs that he heads back after a couple of weeks. The pattern is that he gets lonely and she does too so she asks him to come over and he keeps going over until they are back together again. This time he is doing his best not to do that. I reminded him once of this pattern and that he doesn't need to do things he doesn't want to do so he wrote to her and explained that this time it has to be over. I too am waiting to see where this all goes.

He and I are becoming good friends in the mean time and I am grateful for our laughs together and his devotion to being near me. I was grateful today to him and the other two men when I got towed and had to pick LB up. He was at school and I had no car. Mono lent PN his truck and my friend picked me up to and took me to the towing company. Yay poly family!

I have begun chatting to a man I met on OKCupid this last week. We have a date this up coming Thursday that I am looking forward to. We seem to get along well via text and email. It will be fun to have someone to go out with again on a semi-regular basis. Wouldn't you know it but last week I was pining at a local pub by myself. I haven't felt the heart break feeling over Leo in huge chunks of time but that night I was torn apart as a result of someone triggering the feeling. The next day this man responded to my profile on OKC and asked if we could go out for beer and nachos! Strange and wonderful all at the same time. So pleased and excited!

PN is out with Leo's wife tonight for the first time since our break up. I am unsure if I want to know how it went when he comes in. I want to be on my game for tomorrow's burlesque show and don't know if I want to know anyway. I think I will just ask him how it all went and leave it at that. I don't know what they will talk about. Could be nothing to do with me. I will assume that is isn't a meet up to "talk" and carry on as such. I think that is best for me anyway. I'm glad that PN has his friend to talk to still. I hope he gets some questions answered for himself about whether or not its a good idea to continue on their friendship.
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