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  #1261  
Old 03-15-2012, 06:45 PM
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Holding the knowledge of loves exsistence very tenderly and giving love in return whenever I can.

This week has been filled with returns of old loves. Not on purpose. Its just happening. Its been a blessing to receive their apologize and explanations and get a chance to espress myself. I'm overwhelmed, feel the closure, feel the grief subside in many ways and my heart is opened with their love. Much more to come I think. I wish for some pacing though, its a lot to take in.
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Last edited by redpepper; 03-15-2012 at 06:47 PM.
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  #1262  
Old 03-15-2012, 07:13 PM
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You have such a way with words. I'm glad you're getting some closure.
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  #1263  
Old 03-22-2012, 03:47 PM
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I just realized something that has made me feel a fool. Leo always said he and his wife are not poly, they have an "open relationship." We talked a lot about poly and what it means to me and others and he never committed to the term. I think it kind of irritated him really. I don't know what the hell we had together as open relationships are usually about sex and we didn't have that, but the mind set seems to be very different, or at least different for them and this is where I should of realized a bit more what was going on. What I could of done differently I don't know. Just a random thought in the long process to get my head above the water.

Life has been ticking along and been consumed with burlesque, lazik eye surgery, spring, many happy family moments, a hot night with my Derby girl and PN's birthday. Ahhhhh, its all good.

The new man in my life is interesting and attentive. Ahhhh NRE. I am enjoying his attention in great mouth fulls. He has loved me for some time he says. A good 18 months. I have seen it on his face as plain as day and have chosen, until now, to ignore it. It sooths me to know I am loved and it makes me feel worthy of loving again.

He is kind, caring, listens to every word I say, follows me with his eyes around the room and is dedicated to seeing what the heck will happen. I am skeptical. I feel as if I am using him. I have told him this and feel like I can write it down as a result. I am not able to trust that the moment I allow myself to love him, even just as a friend, that I will be slapped on the wrist for doing so and someone will say, "no! Don't touch. He's mine! Get your hands off!" and convince him I am bad in some way that makes him want to leave. Such is my repetitive history. I am concerned that my attraction to him is simply because I am hurt and he is rescuing me from that. He knows I feel this way and doesn't seem to be concerned himself or changing course.

He talks of the importance of freedom and the importance of not being glued to any one person, but there is a strong woman in his life who is my friend and I don't want to loose that. My friend is very forthcoming with her triggers about us hanging out and expresses them immediately. I am grateful for that. I have been able to walk with her through her jealousy and the threat she thinks I am by texting and talking with her. She has had others to help also, but I am grateful that she has chosen to include me in her struggle. It is making our relationship of trust stronger as a result I think. I hope. That is my intent any way. I intend to keep my integrity where others have not with her.

Yesterday I got to finally say what I have been holding in to this man in terms of my fears and where I am coming from in regards to where I think this is going as a result. I am not ready or willing to be even remotely considering another deep relationship of connection and bonding with someone. I don't trust that I will not be hurt at the end. I have had too many experiences of being told that I am no longer welcome in peoples lives and just can't do it right now. I am working on that. Besides I have enough in my life.

I am seeing an ex-boyfriend today (by my definition, not his, I was just his fuck toy). Last time I saw him, by chance, at an event I am participating in, he was apologetic, thanked me for all the learning he did because of me and asked if we could be friends (greeeeat, what did I get out of that?). Today I will see him as a friend. Wish me luck. My heart is heavy, but I am determined to not allow myself to think of the past and what I felt like then. I am determined to move forward with dignity and grace so that we can both move on. I don't want him to hold on to his pain either.

I find it really interesting that over and over again I am such a great catch for people who are starting out in poly because I have experience. My new friend commented on this. He said that he was really pleased that it turns out I am so self aware and know how poly theory works in practice. I imagine in makes him feel comfortable that I can look after myself and know what it is that he is trying to achieve. That I am willing to negotiate and set boundaries with ease.

He said he has decided not to date women that are not poly anymore as a result. He doesn't want to teach them about what he is looking for. He wants them to know, as I do. The thing is, and what I explained to him is, that it sometimes means that I get used in that process. Just as I did with many old boyfriends.... over and over again. Shit gets hard and they fuck off because they either can't handle it or don't see it working for them any more where they swore up and down that poly makes so much sense to them.... more skepticism. See. I have a long way to go before I open up to anyones out pour of love..... sad. I must get over this.

Sorry about this choppy post. I am having to leave before editing. This one is simple a regurgitation of many thoughts I needed to get out.
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Last edited by redpepper; 03-22-2012 at 04:00 PM.
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  #1264  
Old 03-22-2012, 04:03 PM
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RP,
Just go there to meet him knowing who you are today, and don't let yourself get wrapped up in who you were back then. Think about all the beauty and joy you have in your life right now. Remember that you are strong!

My old boss had a favorite phrase: "Don't let the bastards get you down." Don't know why I love it so much but it's helpful when I feel like the world has conspired against me.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #1265  
Old 03-23-2012, 02:54 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
"Don't let the bastards get you down."
Isn't that from a Rhianna song also... You don't stirke me as the type to listen to Rhianna. I didn't know it was from anything else actually. I have sung that often in the last few months. Its a great phrase.

It went okay. There was nothing there for me. Nothing but a faint love of what we had. A small smile of appreciation for some of the moments I remember us having and a whole lot of being really done.

He was very repetitive and we talked about much of the same things as when I saw him by accident last week. Then I got an email that repeated it again... four times now? I think four times he has said how great his life is? What does that mean? His life is great? Or is there something that I am suppose to get from that? A hidden message of some sort? I dunno

Apart from that he told me he got his tests done and is clean and details that I didn't really want to hear about him and his girlfriend. I was confused and a bit put off by all that. I didn't really want to know. I tried to change the conversation to something different but he went back to the same stuff.

I understand that he doesn't have many people to talk to that understand and that sometimes that kind of thing feels good to release to someone that gets it. I understand that he was trying to let me know how well he was doing and how much has changed in terms of being free to pursue others. I also understood that he was feeling close to me because of our past and what we had together.... but that is over. We aren't even friends at this point and it was just too much by the end of our conversation.

In the email he asked to meet me again for a beer. I dunno.... I don't see why exactly. Really? What do we have to meet for? There is nothing else going to happen between us, I felt like it was likely he would say the same things again and as far as I could see there was not much else to base a friendship on, so why? Sigh.... I have to think about it.

I just don't have the energy, desire, capacity within me to be used as a vessel of someone else's information about their sex life. Especially someone I HAD a sex life with. I don't know if its jealousy? Maybe... I was the one that lost that and he had it with another woman not six months later... he has a FANTASTIC sex life with his wife now too.... whoooopy! SO glad that YOU got something from my misery and hurt. Sigh. Its all too much sometimes. I will give it time.
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  #1266  
Old 03-23-2012, 03:24 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Isn't that from a Rhianna song also... You don't stirke me as the type to listen to Rhianna. I didn't know it was from anything else actually. I have sung that often in the last few months. Its a great phrase.

It went okay. There was nothing there for me. Nothing but a faint love of what we had. A small smile of appreciation for some of the moments I remember us having and a whole lot of being really done.

He was very repetitive and we talked about much of the same things as when I saw him by accident last week. Then I got an email that repeated it again... four times now? I think four times he has said how great his life is? What does that mean? His life is great? Or is there something that I am suppose to get from that? A hidden message of some sort? I dunno

Apart from that he told me he got his tests done and is clean and details that I didn't really want to hear about him and his girlfriend. I was confused and a bit put off by all that. I didn't really want to know. I tried to change the conversation to something different but he went back to the same stuff.

I understand that he doesn't have many people to talk to that understand and that sometimes that kind of thing feels good to release to someone that gets it. I understand that he was trying to let me know how well he was doing and how much has changed in terms of being free to pursue others. I also understood that he was feeling close to me because of our past and what we had together.... but that is over. We aren't even friends at this point and it was just too much by the end of our conversation.

In the email he asked to meet me again for a beer. I dunno.... I don't see why exactly. Really? What do we have to meet for? There is nothing else going to happen between us, I felt like it was likely he would say the same things again and as far as I could see there was not much else to base a friendship on, so why? Sigh.... I have to think about it.

I just don't have the energy, desire, capacity within me to be used as a vessel of someone else's information about their sex life. Especially someone I HAD a sex life with. I don't know if its jealousy? Maybe... I was the one that lost that and he had it with another woman not six months later... he has a FANTASTIC sex life with his wife now too.... whoooopy! SO glad that YOU got something from my misery and hurt. Sigh. Its all too much sometimes. I will give it time.
Haha you took the words outta my mouth about the Rihanna reference Red...

About the ex, boy does he sound familiar. I remember mine giving me unnecessary details about his current sex life, in a way that was designed to make me feel inadequate. It didn't even sink in til days later, and at that point all I could do was laugh.

If he offered himself to me tomorrow I'd happily grin and say, "No thanks. I don't miss it, if that's what you're asking."

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  #1267  
Old 03-23-2012, 06:01 AM
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If he offered himself to me tomorrow I'd happily grin and say, "No thanks. I don't miss it, if that's what you're asking."
that's too funny! I never thought that might be what he is wondering! I guess it might be that or that he feels like he has his prowess back and wants me to know it. Ha! interesting.
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  #1268  
Old 03-23-2012, 08:21 AM
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that's too funny! I never thought that might be what he is wondering! I guess it might be that or that he feels like he has his prowess back and wants me to know it. Ha! interesting.
It's very much a possibility I bet. Reaching out for an ego stroking.
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  #1269  
Old 03-23-2012, 01:49 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post

I just don't have the energy, desire, capacity within me to be used as a vessel of someone else's information about their sex life. Especially someone I HAD a sex life with. I don't know if its jealousy? Maybe... I was the one that lost that and he had it with another woman not six months later... he has a FANTASTIC sex life with his wife now too.... whoooopy! SO glad that YOU got something from my misery and hurt. Sigh. Its all too much sometimes. I will give it time.
I wonder if you're feeling what you're feeling because there wasn't any closure for you when that relationship came to an abrupt halt. It seems that he's found that closure and isn't aware or doesn't have the empathy that you're still working on finding that closure. It probably doesn't help that the wounds from Leo are so fresh. I imagine that if you had crossed paths either 6 months ago or 6 months from now his stories wouldn't sting quite so much.
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  #1270  
Old 03-23-2012, 03:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Isn't that from a Rhianna song also... You don't stirke me as the type to listen to Rhianna. I didn't know it was from anything else actually. I have sung that often in the last few months. Its a great phrase.
Hahaha, no, you're right, I don't listen to Rhianna. I'm not even sure if I know who she is - when I see that name, I think of "Rhiannon" - the old Stevie Nicks song. I must be an old fart.

It was the early 90s when I had that boss who used that phrase. He said it was a translation of an old Gaelic saying - and he knew it in Gaelic too!

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
He was very repetitive and we talked about much of the same things as when I saw him by accident last week. Then I got an email that repeated it again... four times now? I think four times he has said how great his life is?
Yeah, right - goodie for him but who asked? Geez.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Apart from that he told me he got his tests done and is clean...

In the email he asked to meet me again for a beer. I dunno.... I don't see why exactly....

Sigh.... I have to think about it.
Why in hell would he tell you about his tests??!! It sounds like he believes he's now ready to hook up with you again and is just assuming you'd want to or are always available. And he's living in the past. What a yutz. He reminds me of a time when I got together with an old boyfriend many years later and he kept telling me things I didn't want to know as if our past gave him permission to intrude on my personal space. It was very icky. And I realized what a bore the guy was and how much I had changed - no compatibility between us anymore. Thank goodness!

Why are you even thinking about getting together with him again? You try too hard to not have people dislike you, I think. In this case, I wouldn't worry about sparing his feelings. It's been over and done with for such a long time. I'd answer him like, "Oh, no thanks, I'm not really interested" in as bored a tone as possible to let him know the thought is about a million miles from what you'd even remotely consider.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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