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  #1251  
Old 03-02-2012, 01:04 AM
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Just need more smilies
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  #1252  
Old 03-06-2012, 07:48 AM
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I had a lovely conversation today with a lovely man that I warned I would not be who he thinks I am at some point and he simply reminded me of some of the common friends we have and how he is with them... it made me smile and feel a whole lot better about being me. Complicated and simple all at the same time. I am truly blessed to have the pleasure of some really beautiful people who are "good" from inside to out in my midst.

I am in need of nothing.
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  #1253  
Old 03-07-2012, 04:43 AM
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He's not just lovely..he's my role model!
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  #1254  
Old 03-07-2012, 06:01 AM
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Mono is going through some shit. He's not getting what he needs from me I fear, regardless of how I try. If I didn't have my own stuff going on I could be more present and be, I dunno, whatever he wants me to be. Stupid, I know. I realize I will always be going through stuff and that I will never be who he wants me to be regardless of how I try. Its my own insecurity that gets in the way. I know that. Having a mono partner means I am his everything. I fear I don't and can't live up to that sometimes.

Derby facilitated the women's group this month for the first time. I'm sure she did an excellent job. It was the first break in over two years for me. I was grateful for it. Derby is also going through stuff and I am kinda flailing there too. I am just here really, doing whatever, feeling inadequate and boring and not worth being with. I know, its not true, but its my shit and I am going to blog it anyway. Maybe I am just bored with myself.

PN is in the thick of major changes that he tells me about in a profound way. I think we are awesome and fucked up all at the same time. No idea what the hell we are doing.

PN saw Leo's wife today. It seems they might spend some time together. Maybe LB will get to see his friends. Leo said that maybe it was me LB's friends parents didn't want to spend time with. If that is the case then I am glad to step back and allow PN to be the one who facilitates him continuing his friendships. I am glad to step back and have everyone make the most out of the situation. I don't want the hatred she feels towards me and the pain I feel to influence anyone else's friendships together. I am filled with compersion and happy to let it go with the blessing of happy friendships. Never thought compersion could be established in such a way.

Life seems to be about starting new friendships lately or spending time with people that I think are worth investing in; people that have proven to be stable and like minded in terms of investing for the long haul. I have an old friend that I have connected with who is leaving soon. It makes me sad as I have seen him go through a complete transformation in his life and he is stronger and more beautiful than ever. He continues to be rooted in similar values to me in terms of nurturing relationships that are important. It makes me sad that we will be parted, but its time he move on and get out of here to see the world again. In his place a new friend has come along. The one of which I spoke in my last post (I don't know what Mono means by his "role model," I will have to ask him). This friend is confusing me. He has been around for awhile, supporting me by coming to my shows, always telling me how he thinks I'm a positive person who brings a smile to his face. He is so pure with his dedication and ideas on who he thinks I am. I fear he is delusional. I am finding it hard to trust that I won't appear as something different with the passing of time. Paranoia. I guess time will tell. He is another mono man. A mono man with a poly girlfriend. She has encouraged him and I to spend time together for awhile, but its just not happened. Not sure where this going. I'm so confused about it.

Tonight I sit alone at a local bar, texting my new friend to stay at home. My beer is done. I'm filled with sorrow at the loss of my old 'nacho and beer' love. The blue grass band is starting up and I think I will just go home.
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Last edited by redpepper; 03-07-2012 at 07:50 PM.
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  #1255  
Old 03-09-2012, 01:19 AM
StreetRacer StreetRacer is offline
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Hey RP, I read a few of your first posts, and then a few of your most recent ones. Seems like you have a very interesting life, relationship wise I mean, and being new here it's really intriguing, but in a good way
It seems you are also going through some troubles,
but on the other hand you seem like a very strong and positive person
so i have little doubt there isnt much you cant overcome
looking forward to reading more
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  #1256  
Old 03-09-2012, 09:12 PM
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Hi RP
I haven't been on the forum for ages due to study, work and having sorted out our polymono status to the point where it is no longer and issue for us. Nycindie messaged me to remind me to get rid of the links to my blog (which I have taken down) and I just had to check in on your blog to see how you are going.

I found the rather sad post of a few days ago very interesting. It added weight to my suspicions that in polyamorous relationships it is more difficult to maintain the depth of relatedness over the long term.

Take care and try not to be sad, you have so many people in your life that love you.

Sage
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  #1257  
Old 03-09-2012, 09:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
Nycindie messaged me to remind me to get rid of the links to my blog (which I have taken down)...
LOL, well, I didn't ask you to get rid of your links. I just wanted to know where your blog was. I do hope you've saved the pages and will consider moving it to another server or blog host, even if you can't add to it. There was some lovely reading there.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #1258  
Old 03-09-2012, 10:41 PM
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Thanks Sage, streetracer. I'm doing great and I will be fine. life is not so dramatic. It seems so on here, but really its just ticking along.

I am happy that people are moving on and finding ways to re-connect even if Leo and I aren't. I am not sure what will happen but I have heard of a few times where the water has been tested and has only been found warm to the question of friendships staying in tact. Its a shame I will likely not ever be friends with her boyfriend as a result of all this. I immediately cut all contact out of respect and assurance that I am not interested in dating him (it was he that thought all that up). Maybe in time I will say hi on fb chat or something and see how he's doing. I miss talking to him there. We did for many months.

Its interesting that what I miss the most is the texts, chats, emails, IM's and other things that took time out of my day. Those kind of things made my day and now they are gone I miss them. I have been filling the space in slowly with new people. My happiness has returned slowly even if I am very cautious right now about whether I am welcome.

We had a fire on the beach last night to celebrate the full moon. There was a great group of us there all talking at once, happy for a relatively warm spring night and a chance at being reminded that summer is around the corner. It was interesting to see how my presence was with my new friends girlfriend. I think she was okay. Maybe a liiiittle threatened. Not too much I don't think. I know what its like to be in her position so I remained inclusive and friendly to everyone, including her. There is no threat, but she doesn't know that.

I am liking the attention, the excitement of someone being interested in me again and reminding myself that so far its only that. Its not a situation of crossing over to partnership I don't think. I need to be careful that I don't fall into thinking that its more than friendship. I don't know what will happen.

I have expressed that I am a friend that I don't want to use this friendship to fill the void I feel over losing Leo. I don't think its an issue I just don't want to be selfish. The only reply I got was that we would be using each other because he needs my positive energy and I need to be appreciated for it. I will go with that for now.

Poly friendships are confusing. The assumption that its more is always there and it makes it all, well, awkward. Its all so all or nothing sometime and everyone watches to see what's going on. Monogamy is so cut and dry, friends, not friends. Once partnered, everyone else is friend material and the depth of more is not invited, intended or considered. Hard work going on. As usual.
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  #1259  
Old 03-10-2012, 05:56 AM
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I had a really good convo with my friends partner today after I wrote. She called to get some of her thoughts off of her chest even though it was advised that she not do that from my friend. I am so glad she did. I much prefer those hard conversations that are filled with fear and tears than _nothing_. It makes me feel that I am approachable, trustworthy and a good metamour to be relied upon for the truth and some bonding over the wonderfulness of the person that we both care about.

Now to go about creating an open and honest ring of communication between all of us so that she doesn't feel threatened needlessly again. My friend and I might as well be dating the amount of effort going into this in under a week... LOL!...

Poly cracks me up!
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  #1260  
Old 03-13-2012, 12:18 AM
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"Change is what happens when the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of changing." Marilyn Schiltz


About now? This feels right.

When I think of where I was this time last year and all the changes that have gone on outside of my immediate family I am filled with wonder. It seems like the cycle continues, change is coming and has come. The pain of remaining the same is less and less. The pain of change has been more prominent, but is waning slowly. A process is coming to an end and new things begin with the spring. I feel it with my loves as well, things are turning and churning...
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