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  #1241  
Old 02-20-2012, 07:18 PM
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I went to a neighbouring city yesterday for a singing gig and got a chance to catch up with a friend of mine. Actually I don't know him that well at all as he gravitated to different people than I did a few years back. He was a god send to me more than he knows. Life is good but I am so fucking wounded. I feel strong and then plummet and tremble at a moments notice. He said some things to me that validated where I am at and made me feel less like everything is my fault, like it would be better off if I didn't exist.

He reminded me that I am a relationship geek, lol. Very true. I am.

Today I had a run in with someone work related and I'm left trembling and traumatised again. I can usually handle other peoples shit. I'm usually good at compartmentalising everything into my shit and their shit, but I've been taking everything on. I feel like the women I watched my mum work with at a home for battered women. They were so vulnerable, easily broken, coward under any harsh words. I feel abused, angry, sad and just helpless.

How do I get out of this feeling?

I talked to LB about the fact that we won't be going camping with Leo and his family this summer. He was visibly concerned and sad, but we had a long talk about how people come and go in our lives and how we just have to move on. I have been waiting to tell him because I wanted a clearer idea of alternatives. I am planning a camping trip for his school now and a birthday celebration for him on the May weekend that we usually go with them to camp. He seemed pleased with that and the conversation ended well.
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Last edited by redpepper; 02-20-2012 at 08:04 PM.
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  #1242  
Old 02-21-2012, 08:05 AM
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Quote:
Forgiveness is giving up the right to retaliate. Forgiveness is the willingness to have something happen the way it happened. It's not true that you can't forgive something; it's a matter of the will, and you always have the choice. Forgiveness is never dependent on what the other person does or does not do; it is always under our control. Forgiveness is giving up the insistence on being understood....
--Pixie Koestline Hammond (For Everything There Is a Season)

If I read I think I would read this book.
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  #1243  
Old 02-22-2012, 12:00 AM
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I finally decided I was ready to start another group the other day. For some time now, as is witnessed here in this blog I think, I have been thinking of starting a relationship group for discussions and support of people in relationships. I facilitate a women's group that revolves around discussing our relationships, sharing our lives, gaining support and giving it and allowing each other to talk and be ourselves. It has been tremendously helpful to me and I like to think the other women that attend also are supported.

We used to have a men's group in town, but it never met regularly, men got over looked on the invite list, they couldn't decide what they wanted to accomplish and it vanished about a year ago. I get asked quite often if there is a men's group and why there isn't somewhere for the men to go. Well now there is. kinda I hope that it works out. I am not going to advertise it on FB as I usually do as it takes so much time and energy to keep the event up to date, remind people, encourage people. Instead I have posted in poly events all over with an email address for people to ask about the location of the meet ups. I have had quite a few responses for the "poly pub night" I host from the calender site, so hopefully the same will ring true for this as well. Frankly, I will be happy if it is a small group for now. I want to see how it goes with the format I am planning and can always change it later.

I updated my OKCupid and POF profiles last night. POF was easy, I wasn't even in "active" mode. OKCupid still had my "fancy" (intimate friend) on there and various other things that I used to do that I don't really do any more, or don't want to share. I am not sure why I thought it would be a good idea, but I am glad I did as it made me feel uneasy and was a good way to look inside myself about whether I want to date again or not. POF traumatized (PTS) me I had some unbelievable experiences because of that site and they flooded back.... it wasn't horrible or anything, just surprising and made me feel yucky. OKCupid made me feel a bit better as I saw people I know and care about floating around my matches I still thought about what it would be like to date them or to re-date them and it just didn't fit.... still, there is something missing. I don't know what it is and am having a hard time putting my finger on it... maybe its just that Leo is missing.

Off on my retreat this weekend. I organized it about 6 months ago as a possible holiday away this winter to a out of season fishing resort. While I am looking forward to it, all the last minute stuff is coming up, people canceling, people wanting to come, the wood is wet, the dietary needs aren't met, there isn't enough beds, there are people with colds that are coming.... spending too much on food... it goes on and on right now. I just want to get there.

My fear is, as it always is, that I will not fit it, that I won't get along with someone, that I will be lonely as a result and feel abandoned, that I will do something stupid, that I will be overly emotional, under emotional, eat too much, drink too much, sleep too much, be too much of a control freak, not be the leader that everyone looks to me for enough, and generally fuck the whole thing up so that no one, including me has a good time. Its such a battle, lol. I realize that I carry some stuff from work with me into my social life around things like this as we spend most of our day planning other peoples lives for them... I think I really just need a real holiday. Like alone, by myself, on my own agenda.

Date night with my lovely Mono tonight. We have been discussing very briefly my going out into the dating world and getting another partner that he will have to confront himself with in regards to sex. We were on that way with Leo. In fact he gave me the thumbs up that he was ready to see how he feels about that, but as I was not ever in a position to make sex possible with Leo due to the infrequent times he wanted to see me and because he told me his wife didn't want that to be part of our relationship, it never happened. I'm glad now. Interesting that it didn't at all make me feel any better about our break up. Turns out that sex or not, I get just as connected to people. I learned something. FUCKING YAY!

I studied up on "compassion fatigue" today as my work is sending a bunch of us on course. My co-worker is going to a course on that and I have always been interested. My capacity to be compassionate is reaching an all time low again. Interesting how I promote the hell out of being compassionate in relationships yet don't ever offer strategies on how to STAY compassionate. Its very complicated and I won't get into it here, but I hope to learn some skills on how to keep compassionate. One of the skills I learned about today was on being in groups where compassion is built for one another in the form of reflective listening, words of affirmation, and other communication tools to support and love one another.... looks like I do that through the groups I host in a way... I have to think about that more and how to make it so that there is more compassionate support for others. Ideas would be helpful if anyone has any.

Link that is worth linking
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Last edited by redpepper; 02-22-2012 at 12:03 AM.
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  #1244  
Old 02-27-2012, 01:56 AM
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nice to have you home Lilo...I missed you. XOXXOOX I love you.
Your men hung out and had a good time!
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  #1245  
Old 02-29-2012, 07:46 AM
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The Women's retreat I hosted and organized went fantastically well. I did all the organizing and behind the scenes stuff and a friend of mine organized a fire ritual at a park for the day we were there. Others pitched in and did small workshoppy groups and activities and we all enjoyed the beauty of the location, crafting, art, music, dance, talking, cooking, laughing, drinking, eating and sleeping. 17 beautiful poly women with so many interesting things to say and give. I was inspired, proud and honoured to be part of them and to of created this weekend for them.

I have been doing a course with PN on "relationship and spirituality." Last week I completely broke down while being in a blessing ritual. I only wanted to know that I am okay. I needed release from believing my negative self talk. The woman that is conducting the course was very kind to me and reminded me that I am good enough, I am enough, I am worthy, my presence is worth something... I was so relieved to hear this. I didn't say anything about why I needed to hear that I am okay, yet she knew just what to say. A small release... every little bit leads to healing.

I did an art piece around a part of the book "The little Prince." It was a bit about his looking for his flower and how the echos talk back to him because the flower is gone and he has no one to talk to. He misses his flower because she always talks first. (Chapter 19)

I decided I need to listen to the silence around me and see what it tells me. What a perfect time to go on the retreat as I had a chance to look out onto the ocean and the shoreline and listen to nature. Everything about what it said told me that I am worthy of being here. Everything about bringing all those women together told me that I have a purpose. There were no words, but I just knew that I am what I am and I have a reason for being alive.
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Last edited by redpepper; 02-29-2012 at 03:34 PM.
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  #1246  
Old 03-01-2012, 11:25 PM
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Someone in another thread mentioned that it stands to reason that someone's approach to their home life and marriage is a good indication of how it will be with their life with me. This is a good point that I intend on remembering. If they blow off their wife, or allow themselves to be bullied and manipulated by their partner, or struggle to balance their time with them or speak poorly of them, then that is likely how they will be with me. Of course that could be a positive thing also.

Next partner up that's married I intend to do a lot of investigating in this area. Really, anyone who is date worthy could tell me about their last situations with partners and I would get an idea. Its made me look back and consider what I have experienced. I hadn't really put it into words before, but in hindsight, many of my partnered partners had similar interactions with me (some assumed I would be like their partner) as they did with their partners. I also intend to look at how I am with my partners and what I present to the world. That is also important.
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  #1247  
Old 03-01-2012, 11:28 PM
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Mental note...no more smack talk about my hubby (and now I bet he's wondering if I really talk smack about him or not). Hehehehehe
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  #1248  
Old 03-01-2012, 11:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
Mental note...no more smack talk about my hubby (and now I bet he's wondering if I really talk smack about him or not). Hehehehehe
This is a positive and negative thing as much as its a way of understanding and accepting how others are. Everyone is just themselves and I get that. We all have our issues and strengths.

Reading into what I post as if its directed to anyone specific is really not a good idea, because its likely not.

Besides, its a two way thing. You can think about how I am in my relationships and get a really good idea of what to expect.
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Last edited by redpepper; 03-02-2012 at 01:00 AM.
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  #1249  
Old 03-01-2012, 11:54 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
This is a positive and negative thing as much as its a way of understanding and accepting how others are. Everyone is just themselves and I get that. We all have our issues and strengths.

Reading into what I post as if its directed to anyone specific is really not a good idea, because its likely not.
I wasn't reading into it, I just think I'm funny today. I better stop now. I've been ruffling all kinds of feathers. So much of tone is lost over text.
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  #1250  
Old 03-01-2012, 11:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
I wasn't reading into it, I just think I'm funny today. I better stop now. I've been ruffling all kinds of feathers. So much of tone is lost over text.
Just need more smilies
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