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  #1231  
Old 02-02-2012, 07:53 PM
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I fuckin LOVE having my own apartment. Love to have miss pixi or my guys over, love to close the door on them and go do my thing, peacefully, blissfully alone.
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Mags, F, 60, poly-dating, loving and living with
miss pixi, F, 38
also seeing
Punk, 41, M (dating since Oct 2015)
and a few more casual relationships
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  #1232  
Old 02-05-2012, 07:43 PM
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Having talked to many people in my community and getting ready to talk some more to my women's group I am feeling very positive and empowered. I realize some pretty significant things about my relationship with Leo that I hadn't before and am confident that I can move on having learned and grown from the experience.

The most important things I have learned are that I can stand up to people manipulating me into believing that something is "all my fault." People who do that are just not going to win at that game with me and I have noticed that I don't play that game. It is not "all my fault." Beating me up with words and then telling me that I should agree only to say "lets be friends" at the end of it is not going to fly with me. I do not need friends like that. That is not friendship and that is not partnership either.

At this point I have no "like" left in me. It will take a good long meeting where-by I hear all the explanations about what was said to me and then a huge apology complete with indication that there has been movement toward change to something more positive and healthy. I really hope I get that sometime. I really don't think I will get that at this point as I doubt highly that there is any remorse or even thought about how I was treated. Sure, I might be wrong, but I am not holding my breath.

I am expecting that it will always be my fault in his eyes (and hers). I don't think its possible to exist in the eyes of another without irritation the way they see me now. Anything that comes out of my mouth I would think would be like acid to them and just more proof of what they already believe. Its easier to blame others and hate them for what has happened rather than to learn, let go and grow into positive feelings. Even in saying this I am suspecting that it will be manipuated into something that is not my intent. So be it. I can't change that other than to shut up. And I won't shut up. I can only trust that I am wrong to assume that what I say here will be seen negatively. I have become paranoid in this space now and I intend to take it back by writing about my process regardless of the result.

If I am self centered, high maintenance, etc. how can I possibly ask for anything in any kind of relationship with him without that being brought up again. I would need to have no back bone, no self esteem, no feelings of self worth and would have to allow abusive language to rule me. I would have to do all that and still be able to smile and be appreciative of the scraps I get of a scarce love. I would have to be grateful for every ounce of attention and thought I get because I would have to believe that I am not worth more than that. Or I would have to just not be present when I am with him. That is impossible for me, so there is no reason to have a friendship.

Love is abundant in my life. I give of it willingly because EVERYONE is worthy. I receive it ten times over. Poly is about sharing love to me. Sharing people, sharing emotions/feelings, concerns, the crappy part of ourselves and the amazing parts of ourselves. There is no room in it for hatred, coveting, abusive language, controlling other through manipulating ideas of a persons "self" to fit what someone else believes of them.

People in poly relationships/friendhships with me deserve to be treated with positive thought and regard. If their motives are confusing, then they should be checked and encouraged to keep positive and trusting. Trust is huge in poly... being trustworthy is huge. Consideration/compassion/empathy and trust are the back bones of poly for me. This belief and acting on these values have brought me some great relationships.

I trusted, I was considerate. I was treated like shit for it.... what does one do with that other than move on, try not to allow it to settle in and continue working towards positive relationships with people who are compassionate, trust worthy, see love as abundant and see me as someone that is worth investing in and treating me as someone who is valuable in their lives... that is how I see those I love, I deserve the same in return.

I still love Leo, but I don't like him right now. I wish him change in his future. I wish for him that change will set him free from his need to control and blame others for what happens in his life. I wish for his wife happiness found in letting her hatred go and need to control and manipulate to suit herself.

I wish that this be read in the spirit of learning and growth, rather than hatred and fear. I wish that my words be heard by others as a gift of wisdom from a woman that has lived some shit and is still fucking awesome in her own right. No, that is not being self centered, that is being strong, empowered and having good self esteem. Anyone who sees that differently should look at their own lives and consider their own self esteem before judging me and who I am. Lastly I wish for people to do the work it takes to be awesome. Its hard work, but worth it... it has set me free and I am confident it will set you free also.

I harming none, and helping all. This I make true.
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Last edited by redpepper; 02-05-2012 at 08:13 PM.
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  #1233  
Old 02-05-2012, 08:15 PM
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Life happens regardless. Time moves me on. Its my job to make the most of every moment of it through working toward a better next moment.
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  #1234  
Old 02-06-2012, 02:18 AM
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Great post Lilo...your as much a warrior of the heart as you are a loving person to everyone You honor all of us you share your life with. XOXOX I love you.
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  #1235  
Old 02-06-2012, 02:27 AM
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That was so well said! I feel like I should go reread it a few times and apply to some things going on in my life. Thank you for being so open with your experiences.
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  #1236  
Old 02-06-2012, 03:22 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Great post Lilo...your as much a warrior of the heart as you are a loving person to everyone You honor all of us you share your life with. XOXOX I love you.
What he said. You have such a good heart. (the smilie is a gift from my girl child)
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  #1237  
Old 02-06-2012, 06:33 AM
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Women's group was awesome today. So grateful to my peeps for the wonderful thoughts, aspirations and chance to give. I am also grateful for the support and caring words of affirmation that I am not alone on my journey and that I belong somewhere

Show coming up this weekend. My burlesque days are scarce now that one of the producers has moved on. I am enjoying every moment I can. I got some cool new things at the women's group clothing sway and can't wait to piece something together. I had a meeting of the minds last weekend where we decided to get our acts really tight and do a really good professional show in a local theatre. I have enough numbers now that I can really work on better costuming and tightening up my acts. I am excited to be working with other women and helping out where I can, but I am anxious about stepping up to the occasion. Cross fingers for me.

I did my mono/poly workshop this past week at a local sex positive community center. It has changed since I first started the workshop into something that is beneficial to all people starting out in relationships. The poly theory really shines through in the workshop now. I even did a component about how to communicate with some effective techniques. I am holding another workshop this spring and adding a workshop on "opening up to poly." I have to get on planning that one.

In a couple of weeks I am singing at a church for Black History month. I am excited that I am able to sing without as much anxiety as at the Christmas concert and that I am becoming more confident. I seem to have grasped something I hadn't before. Kind of an "ah ha" moment or something.

I started planning summer and all the events and camping coming up. I'm off to Vegas in April for a friends 25th wedding anniversary. She is doing it up Elvis style at a drive throw chapel. My ex wife and I will be there for four days of relaxing, sleeping, drinking, eating and merriment. Maybe gambling.

Camping will be sparse this year I think as we have some big trips coming up. Off to poly camp Washington state again and planning a poly camp here. Other than that I think I might put the van on the road and do a trip with the boy. Maybe go to the island property that my parents own for a weekend or two. It will feel really weird and sad not to book the camping trips we used to take with Leo and his family, but he has a new metamour to do that with now and I am sure he has some great plans with that. I think I might actually plan LB's birthday party on the weekend he is born this year as we tend to go camping with them instead.

I am planning a school camping trip for the end of the year too. This weekend we had a skating party that I planned and the boy got to hang out with many of his friends out of school time. I asked around about who was in for camping and a lot of the mum's were really keen. I think I might plan a ladies night out for the mum's of the school too, so that I can make friends with the mum's that are LB's class mates. I don't have a lot of friends with kids and it seems that that is going to be important soon as LB gets older. Having lost Leo's wife as a friend (I never was one apparently), means that LB lost their kids as friends. I feel bad about that, but it only means its time to get out there and find new friends. I am excited about that as I am good at making friends and I am not worried at all about what they know about us now.
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  #1238  
Old 02-10-2012, 01:33 AM
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It will be a month next week since Leo and his wife ended Leo and my relationship. Most of the time I am okay. I was sick for some time due to the somatic effects I took on as a result. I deal with things out side of myself and then have to deal with them in my body. It took a few sick days to work through that and it still lingers.

I have spent time going over everything, rationalizing, being angry, sad and just plain numb and have come to a place where I just expect it as part of my daily routine.

A text from Leo last week set me off again in sadness, tears, anger and disbelief. I wish he wouldn't make me care about him. Love him. Of course every song sings something about me or him, or the situation. There is one right now that went viral at the time of our break up that will always be a reminder of how I feel.

I know others go through this. In fact many poly people go through almost the same types of break ups. I can rationalize it to death, rest easy knowing that I am not alone and people understand and be really clear with myself that its over and I need to move on, but in my heart I am unable to yet. I doubt I ever will move on. I still hold on to thoughts of people from high school who I had something happen with.

I feel as if my heart opens up to people and I trust that they will love me regardless. When I find they don't, and take that vulnerability as a tool to hurt me then I close them off inside of myself as a way of protecting what I knew about them and to protect their memory. The thing is that I forget as a result and as I still love them, I get confused about what happened to begin with. Its not rational. Yet I never really have been when it comes to love. Once I love someone, its for life, regardless of what they put me through and what I put them through.

I wonder what he is going through. I wonder if he thinks about this at all. Whether or not he has regrets and remorse. My only regret was not listening when he told me that he could not offer me the relationship I was used to and requesting. Its unfortunate that my requests were seen as selfish, but really, considering the history he has in terms of experience and his own requests, I can see how I might be seen that way. Telling people what your needs are and making requests is not selfish. Its wise to make sure people know. Its communicating. The thing is that we both could not fit what each other wanted.... we should never of gone there in the first place I think. We should of walked away. If we had, this would never of happened. I wouldn't be hurting now and all the stuff that comes along with us being together would not exist.

I love my partners. They all feel badly. No one is happy with any of it. We are all sad. I am sorry I had any part in causing that. I feel really badly that I caused anyone to feel sad.

.................I guess really, bottom line is, I miss him
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Last edited by redpepper; 02-10-2012 at 01:45 AM.
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  #1239  
Old 02-13-2012, 07:41 AM
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What a nice weekend. Well balanced. We have become expert on that.

Mono and I took LB to take his bottles to the recycling depot and then went to a fabric store (LB loves the fabric store for some reason) to get something. I helped LB with his laundry and other LB focused things. Didn't get around to cutting his hair though.

I did a number last night in a variety show. There were kids there (teens). It was rather uncomfortable. Derby and her husband showed up and I was really glad to see them. My burlesque friend came along also upon my request; we are getting to know each other and are a good support of each other. Next show will be at the end of March.

PN, LB and I spent time with my parents seeing an IMAX movie and going for dinner. I spent time with Mono in his part of the house. We watched over LB two nights in a row so PN could go out and I woke up with him this morning. We have been at each other a bit lately due to stresses in our lives so it was nice to catch up and reconnect this morning as a result.

Onward to the work week. Some Valentine's plans are brewing and other social events. Next weekend I go to a neighboring city to sing. Life ticks on regardless it seems.
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  #1240  
Old 02-19-2012, 07:01 AM
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This week has been dedicated to prioritizing family and those that prioritize me. I took my father-in-law and LB to a hockey game for father-in-laws birthday, and took a night off from burlesque (even though there was a big name from out of town coming) to go to likely one of my dad's last gigs. He's an old man. Much Valentine festing with my loves. I am so loved and I love just as much. It was a good week. I am in a good place.
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