Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1201  
Old 01-21-2012, 12:07 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 543
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I am in the process of reading every post I have made from December 2010 to now ......I am quite excited about this as this whole thread is about my life and where I have been. ......Perhaps this exercise seems ludicrous but I am who I am and I love that I getting to the bottom of my shit diligently and thoroughly. I am a processor who takes her time. I love relationship dynamics; it is my passion. What better person to pick apart than myself. We shall see if I get this done!
Thanks for sharing about your process. I think it's very powerful to write our thoughts and feelings down and then go back and read them after time has passed. (I use this forum as a sort of journal for myself.) I kept a written journal for many years and some of my most profound moments were when I devoted time to go back through them and read them.

One of the greatest benefits I have experienced as a result of journal writing is a greater ability to stay in the moment. Because of this, I spend very little time or energy wondering or worrying about what will happen next or in the future.

The reason for that is because for many years I would write whatever was on my mind. And a lot of the time, what was on my mind was wondering or worrying about what was going to happen next. The process of reading that, allowed me to decide that I didn't want to spend any more energy that way....but I digress.

Just wanted to support you since I see you as someone who is not only open and honest but also willing to be vulnerable and authentic. I see you as someone who desires to be helpful in a caring way....can be serious and supportive as well as irreverent and funny. Hang in there and just know that you are appreciated!!
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #1202  
Old 01-21-2012, 02:34 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,677
Default

I just opened the book "The gifts of imperfection: let go of who you think you are suppose to be and embrace who you are" by Brene Brown and read this;

"To practice courage, compassion, and connection is to look at life and the people around us, and say, "I'm all in."
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #1203  
Old 01-21-2012, 06:01 AM
ray's Avatar
ray ray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 819
Default

I love that book! Brene Brown has so many good things to say! Have you seen her TED video?
Reply With Quote
  #1204  
Old 01-21-2012, 09:30 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,677
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ray View Post
I love that book! Brene Brown has so many good things to say! Have you seen her TED video?
I have. She speaks to me in many ways. I read last night about what she says about staying compassionate during times when people are taking their stuff out on you. It spoke to me. I wish I could relay the whole passage but I can't find it in type on line. Its page 15 of her "gifts of imperfection" book if anyone is interested.

Derby came to visit last night and her and Mono stayed close to me on the couch as we laughed at a Russell Peters show. PN went out with friends and is holding the fort for most of today so I can process.

I was grateful to Derby as she calmed me right down. I had been pacing all night and going through sadness, anger, helplessness, disbelief and denial. The grief process really. Any spare moment is taken up with that and when I am busy I am simply numb.

I told Derby I would bathe soon as I haven't in days. I don't give a shit really. I am all in my head and thinking hard. Its my turn to be the one that is struggling the most. A position of discomfort for me, but so far my loves are going at my pace and with that I will see through this.


Off to read more of this blog. I think I might of taken on a bigger task than I previously thought!
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #1205  
Old 01-21-2012, 10:35 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,363
Default

*hugs RP*
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

A standing prick hath no conscience. --Bill Shakespeare

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 60, poly-dating, and loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, poly, 38
Reply With Quote
  #1206  
Old 01-22-2012, 03:58 AM
Arrowbound's Avatar
Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tri-State
Posts: 275
Default

Hope you feel better and more hopeful soon RP.
Reply With Quote
  #1207  
Old 01-22-2012, 04:13 AM
BrigidsDaughter's Avatar
BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 822
Default

*hugs*
Reply With Quote
  #1208  
Old 01-22-2012, 06:05 AM
ImaginaryIllusion's Avatar
ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,950
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Besides, if anyone ever wants to use this blog against me again I will know what it says and where to find the posts.
Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I don't see any point right now in writing here about my realizations thus far. I am not interested in creating more fuel for a fire that I am not responsible for.
I'm not sure exactly to describe how I feel about this concept. I totally get that you don't want to add fuel.. However in the category of things you aren't responsible for would be the views and opinions of not you, with regards to some not very stand up actions of an individual who would resort to turning a public blog against a former partner. 'Tis not cool...not cool at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Perhaps this exercise seems ludicrous but I am who I am and I love that I getting to the bottom of my shit diligently and thoroughly. I am a processor who takes her time. I love relationship dynamics; it is my passion. What better person to pick apart than myself. We shall see if I get this done!
I really hope that this whole exercise is designed for your own benefit. I could understand wanting to figure out your own shit for your own sake. But as far as the input you've received so far from a certain direction...I'd personally consider the source. If you're doing it because of the ex...or for the ex...I really don't think his actions in the aftermath of your relationship put him in a position to deserve such consideration, nor his opinions whatever they might be about your character. He'd have to be in your league first.

Anyways...just my ever so humble and mostly irrelevant opinion.

(I think I must be getting to the end of my own processing lately...I've been getting a little more cranky and vocal lately...almost back to normal?)
__________________
“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

How did I get here & Where am I going?
Reply With Quote
  #1209  
Old 01-22-2012, 06:46 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,677
Default

Thanks everyone for hugs and support. I am realizing every day that passes that life will go on and that this was all circumstance.

I realize I have left huge gaps in this story. Sorry about that. I have written and processed lots and have posts ready to post but I am afraid. If I post them, even though they are all my own struggles and not at all placing blame or pointing fingers (all facts rather than opinions, and all my own feelings/thoughts) I remain respectful to the fact that there is paranoia that everyone knows them on his part (even though I am pretty sure no one here does except my partners). At some point I may just say "fuck it" and just post and be done with it but for some stupid reason I remain loyal. Even after all that has been said that is not loyal to me.

The thing is that the longer I don't post the more I feel the weight of burden and suppressed. I'm finding it hard to move on. I was hoping that in writing just to myself that I would be released, but I am beginning to wonder if that is going to be the case. I don't know what I shall do yet. There seems to be a need for a cathartic moment where I am doomed to be the devil forever in their eyes, but released from the burden I have now placed myself in....

This may sound like a HUGE thing here, but really my life is moving on and there are some exciting things on the horizon for me. Some new people coming into my life in the form of friendships and some new plans. I am not sitting still and fading into nothing. Perhaps if I wait long enough I won't feel this need to post. I still have some writing to do, so I will wait.
........
Words were said to me that can not be taken away and that will dictate where any future friendship will go.

I think I am waiting to see if there is a salvageable friendship. At this point I don't see any way that there can be a friendship. Even though I was asked if we could go for a beer sometime. I was told that I am not interesting any more and that there was nothing to talk about when we were together. So why would we hang out again?

Besides, there is a lot of hatred from his wife that I can't do anything about. From what I have heard she didn't want me to be in her life for one more moment and would gladly dump her new boyfriend if it meant I would be gone from her life. I think that is pretty clear. Even if later I was told that really she just didn't want to be my friend. It seems to me that this was in the works for some time and that I was the only one who didn't know.

I spent so much time advocating on her behalf for him to pay more attention to her. I followed along every date night how she is doing and gave suggestions and support. It seems that was seen as me wanting to be involved more than was welcome.

I also backed right away from the guy she is dating that I met for coffee, as soon as I heard that she had a reaction to my knowing him. I told him right away that I thought he should concentrate on her and that I would see him later. Apparently it was too late. He told me that my interactions with him had nothing to do with her and that he saw no reason to be concerned. Later though, he agreed with me that was a good idea to concentrate on his relationship with her, but could he still be invited to the events I host.

I hang on to people and work hard at remaining friends with people. I was hoping I could with this relationship, but I don't know.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog

Last edited by redpepper; 01-23-2012 at 04:46 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #1210  
Old 01-22-2012, 07:07 PM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

Sometimes it just takes some time and space for a friendship to be reformed, and sometimes it just doesn't happen. I think that you're right that this breakup has left space in your life for something else to come in. Eventually you're probably going to be able to look back on what you're going through at the moment and see the reason why (or at least every breakup that I've ever had has taught me something really valuable, although it has taken years sometimes for me to see it).

Be kind to yourself. Don't post until it feels emotionally safe to do so. Eventually I think it would be good to get the feedback from people here who are a little more objective. Also while you're going through your posts and indexing have a catagory of all the nice things people have said about you...it will be good to have that self esteem boost when you're feeling low and vulnerable.
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
bdsm, boundaries, breaking up, casual sex, children, coming out, coming out to family, communication, family, kids, mono poly, mono/poly, moving in, poly-fi, poly-fidelous, swinging, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:45 AM.