Redpepper's journey

[redpepper]

Thanks for the thought nycindie, I will keep the idea in mind. Right now though I think I will write off forum and see how I feel. I don't really need any validation or advice. Support is nice though. Thanks for that.

I feel rather battered at this point and know that Leo does too. I don't want any more of that for either of us. I will say that there is a lot I have heard in the past few days that I am left feeling bruised about. A lot of accusations and opinions about my personal character. This is what I mean when I say that it will be used against me and I really can't take any more of that. I have done my best to not say anything in return, but was asked recently to explain myself and why I wrote here about what was going on for me and replied. Hopefully it has helped some, but I am left with the rest and it is for me to deal with on my own I think.

I agree with most of what I has been said about me, but the context to which I agree with it is different than it was said to me. Its been interesting to "see" myself from the eyes of another. A learning experience. I have been told and know from experience that what has been said about me also makes me a person people cherish, and love too. I know what I have said here has helped other sort out their own thoughts and has been a source of inspiration and learning. Especially the stuff about non-sexual relationships. I have had that feed back and it makes me feel like I can carry on here. I will be carrying on here.

Its just that my personality did not blend well with people like Leo and his wife. I am a totally different kind of person. Sure we all have the same basic needs in relationships, but its not enough to say that. It needs investigating and understanding. Acceptance is not enough. When there is understanding between two people then a relationship works as a kind of partnership (I was never a partner to Leo). If there is not understanding then it doesn't work. It seems that love is not enough. No big surprise there, but I thought I could trick it. I seem to have tricked it with Mono, soooo.....

[BrigidsDaughter]

We're always here if you need to talk about it behind the scenes.

[SNeacail]

HUGS!

Originally Posted by redpepper

Its just that my personality did not blend well with people like Leo and his wife. I am a totally different kind of person.

This is so hard to accept sometimes, especially when you have bent over backwards and gone out of your way to try and make it work, it just sucks.

It seems that love is not enough. No big surprise there, but I thought I could trick it. I seem to have tricked it with Mono, soooo.....

I don't believe you tricked it with Mono... You both made a conscious effort to put in the work to become partners. Oh, well maybe you dangled the reward out in front of him and he knew you were worth it - smart boy! .

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by SNeacail

This is so hard to accept sometimes, especially when you have bent over backwards and gone out of your way to try and make it work, it just sucks.

he worked hard too. I just wanted to point that out. We both did.

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by redpepper

he worked hard too. I just wanted to point that out. We both did.

Which I can only imagine makes it even that much harder.

[nycindie]

I reread your post from a few days ago. It sounds like the issues are all just misunderstandings, and no one is willing to clarify what happened but would rather just shut you out. Such stubbornness, selfishness, and arrogance!

[redpepper]

I am in the process of reading every post I have made from December 2010 to now to see where the validity is in the things I have been accused of. So far the actual writing out of my thoughts and concerns is the only thing I can see. This very thread is a concern and threat I have been told.

I am cutting and pasting everything into a document that I will go through and write about each point. After that I am going to read my whole blog and write an index it on the first post (I have the mod power to do that, I hope the boys don't mind ). I thought it might be helpful to anyone wanting to read it as there are pages and pages of writing all mixed together and if anyone wants to read here and find stuff they will be able to more easily. Everything about everyone, every thought and every event will be page numbered as best as I can.

I am quite excited about this as this whole thread is about my life and where I have been. It has been quite a ride the last few years and I think going over it all is going to be significant. Besides, if anyone ever wants to use this blog against me again I will know what it says and where to find the posts.

There is a lot that has been made clear to me in reading my blog and I have only read a few months. I don't see any point right now in writing here about my realizations thus far. I am not interested in creating more fuel for a fire that I am not responsible for.

Perhaps this exercise seems ludicrous but I am who I am and I love that I getting to the bottom of my shit diligently and thoroughly. I am a processor who takes her time. I love relationship dynamics; it is my passion. What better person to pick apart than myself. We shall see if I get this done!

[BrigidsDaughter]

Good luck!

[MonoVCPHG]

Hang tough Baby...you guys are both going through something big. You will get through this.
I love you and hope Leo is OK as well. Strange days for sure

[Arrowbound]

Sorry to hear about the tumbling down of that relationship. I hope you don't spend too much time dissecting and blaming yourself though. I find I get much more out of dissecting the situation as a whole, and my reactions to it, and decisions I made while in it.

Everyone else is responsible for their feelings and how they want to deal in the aftermath. Don't shoulder any of it.