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Old 02-28-2016, 02:37 PM
Ellamenopea Ellamenopea is offline
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Default Story of Elle

Backstory: I married Steel nine months after I set eyes on him. It was textbook love at first sight, for both of us. We have been together for almost seventeen years . We have two beautiful children, lots of awesome pets and a huge circle of friends, both mutual and individual. Steel is without a doubt my soulmate. He makes me laugh every single day, he is gorgeous, intelligent, an excellent Father, a wonderful provider, kind, gentle, sexy, I could go on with Adjectives all day- suffice it to say- I REALLY love this man.

I was a wild teenager. I had plenty of boyfriends (and a couple of girlfriends for good measure!) but never could stay true for long. If things were safe, and happy, I was restless. My Mom used to say I lived for tumult. Some call it a drama queen? Status-quo did not suit me.

All I ever wanted was the white picket fence in a nice suburb with the dutiful corporate husband. I got it. So why was I itching for more? Why was it NOT enough when it’s all I ever wanted? A question for my future therapist, I suppose.

Fast forward ten years into marriage. We were ridiculously happy, sexually active, living the proverbial American Dream. I went to Las Vegas with my college friends. I met a man. I cheated. I told Steel as soon as I got home. He was understandably devastated. As horrible and guilt ridden as I felt, I still didn’t regret it. I loved the feeling of having my cake and eating it, too. Selfish? Absolutely. I own it.


After months of therapy and working through it, we were stronger than ever. Yet, each day, when I lay my head down, I was missing something. PTA meetings, soccer games, mini-van taxi cab, kids’ orthodontist appointments, it was just not giving me a sense of fulfillment.

I approached Steel about going to a local lifestyle club. He agreed. You can write the script of what happened next. In the course of a year, we evolved from same room swap, to separate rooms, to single play to me deciding that while sex with strangers was hot, it was not giving me exactly what I was missing. We also realized that someone was always taking one for the team- 'ok ok, I’ll sleep with the ugly husband so you can bang the hot wife.'


Welcome Poly. It was five years ago that we finally realized that it was exactly what we wanted. At first I thought it was what I wanted- but Steel did a lot of reading and research and realized he felt very comfortable with what he was reading. He said it all clicked for him.


The following three years were filled with lots of newbie mistakes (Extreme NRE, dating cheaters, a lot of don’t ask don’t tell- basically everything Poly101 warns against.)

Then one day, eighteen months ago, I met Sarge. He was in an established polyamorous marriage, and I fell HARD and fast.
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Old 02-28-2016, 02:58 PM
Ellamenopea Ellamenopea is offline
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He was six years my junior, but only chronologically. He was so mature and intelligent, and so adorable. We hit it off instantly. Steel had reconnected a year earlier with an old friend from elementary school- Dimples-and while it was long distance, he was enjoying getting to know her again.

Sarge and I went out four times in one month, and I was ridiculous. I was drowning in NRE and showing it. Being the absolute typical stage five clinger. Expecting him to tell me his every move, getting upset if he didn't text me immediately, you know, crazy girl stuff. It didn't work for him. He told me he was not ready for this type of relationship- he was not as emotionally invested as I was, and he thought it best if we part ways.

Devastated is not the word to describe how I felt. I shut down. Cried, told Steel to cut off all communication with Dimples and declared that we were now and forever would be mono. I realize this is a typical knee-jerk reaction- but I was clinging to my safe-place. Steel, being the wonderful man that he is, activated immediately and told Dimples he could not continue. She was devastated, of course. I felt badly for her, but worse for me, so any empathy I had for her heartbreak was trumped by my own.

I made a LOT of mistakes. I see them all now. I assumed that by making THEM end it, that I would feel better. I actually felt worse. I'll save the bandwith telling the story of the following year in detail, but I eventually apologized to Steel and Dimples, and was actually feeling compersion for them.

I dated here and there, nothing of note, no one felt right to me. All the while, I was stalking Sarge on social media, and saw his new relationship filled with " I love you's" and " You complete me's" and VOMIT.

Each time I saw one of them declare love for another, or a picture of them doing something fun, I was sick to my stomach. I was emotionally cutting. I could NOT stop looking, even though it cut like a knife each time I did. I would send him an occasional text, every few months or so, telling him I hoped he was well. He always replied in kind.

Then, one day last fall, I saw her post she was moving clear across the WORLD for work, and wow, was she going to miss Sarge!
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Old 02-28-2016, 04:24 PM
Ellamenopea Ellamenopea is offline
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It prompted me to send him a text, again, hoping he was well. He replied and we started texting back and forth sporadically for a couple of weeks. He told me she was moving- and we caught each other up on our lives for the past year. One evening, not too long after she moved- he mentioned he was traveling for work, to a city where I just happened to be traveling to that weekend also, for pleasure.

We met at my hotel that weekend. The minute I opened the door, it all came
flooding back for me. We talked for several hours and said our goodbyes.

He texted me the next morning. Steel was quite hesitant about me re-opening this can of worms. He had lived first hand the pain I went through when it ended last time. He had no desire to see it happen again. It's understandable. The thing that hurt someone you love is something you desire to keep them away from.

I'd like to say we took it slow, but Sarge and I picked up right where we left off. Fabulous dates, flirty texts, and just enjoying each other. There were some growing pains along the way- I met his wife- Freckles, and her long time boyfriend, CPK. I met his children. He met mine. He met Steel. Freckles was not a fan of Sarge's ex, mostly because she was single and mono, and her actions were slowly becoming that of a cowgirl. I spent the first two months of our newly reconnected relationship believing he was pining for his ex- but learned that he was relieved when she moved. He is an introvert, and craves downtime. Her being single and mono did not allow him much time to just be. She was constantly needing and demanding his attention- much like I did the first time around.

It became clear to me that if I wanted to keep this man in my life, I was going to have to not smother him. Not be clingy and needy and expect him to complete my life. I made the decision to let him set the pace. And although I hated going to sleep without hearing from him all day, I powered through, focusing on Steel, and our children.

Giving him that space, and our relationship a chance to grow organically was the hardest thing I've done in a while. But, the best thing I did. We are now five months in to our relationship (part two) and I could not be happier. We live 45 minutes apart, but see each other twice a week. We text/skype/call each day.

I adore Freckles, and the feeling is mutual. I adore his children, and he mine.

Steel is still with Dimples- although the they can only get together once a month or so, given the geographical distance, they chat daily.

It's a cliche, but today I feel like the luckiest woman on earth. I have the complete love of two wonderful men. They are both so wonderful in different ways.

Last edited by Ellamenopea; 02-28-2016 at 04:33 PM.
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Old 02-29-2016, 09:26 PM
Ellamenopea Ellamenopea is offline
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Yesterday started with breakfast with Steel and our dumplings. I ran some errands and straightened the house before showering and heading down to Sarge's city. Freckles and CPK had taken the Junior Sarge's to the park for the day. Sarge and I had a nice leisurely lunch at a local place then went to see Deadpool. I was not excited to see it, as I'm not much of a superhero movie gal, but I admittedly loved it. It was nice to snuggle and watch a movie together.

We returned to the house and everyone was home. Freckles was feeding the juniors and I was nursing a headache. So I lay on the couch with my head on Sarge's lap while he massaged my temples. One of the little Sarge's came over and sat on my outstretched legs. He's so stinking cute. I feel like part of the family.

Freckles and CPK left shortly after to spend the night at CPK's house. Sarge made us a quick dinner and then we snuggled in his bed and watched some HGTV. At around 8:00, I headed for home. (Our usual schedule has me spending the night there one weekend night each week, but due to Steel's second career (he's an entertainer) our schedules have to be flexible. This weekend saw Steel having gigs Friday and Saturday night, and my dumplings are too young to be home alone. Normally Sarge will come to my city when Steel is gone, but the gigs were local this weekend, so Steel slept home each night. We are not yet at the point where any of us want to have group sleepovers. In fact, I don't think we ever will be- and that's ok. There are certainly no secrets, and we are all very good at communication- just not the type of place we are.)


I am just bursting with happiness and love. I am still dealing with some small, occasional bouts of anxiety- basically expecting the other shoe to drop and it all to go to shit. I know it's ridiculous and unreasonable to live with fear of what may come; but it's not often that the fairytale actually comes true, so I worry.

Steel is just that. Steel. He is my forever and ever. I don't worry about him leaving, or ever doing anything to harm our marriage. Sarge is also quite good at validating me, with words of affirmation, and physical touch- and professes his love for me often. His actions back up his words, and I never have to wonder where I am in his life and heart. So why the anxiety? I don't know. I was hoping that by blogging here, it would help me figure it out. I guess I can't expect to solve the issue in two days.

Steel is feeling great, as he and Dimples will be seeing each other again in a few weeks. The weather is gorgeous here, life is a bowl of cherries. Today.

Of course, I welcome any feedback, compliments or complaints.
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Me: Elle (41) married to Steel, in a relationship with Sarge.

Steel: (46) My husband; no longer dating Laney (41)- Single, Mono. AND in LDR with Dimples (46) * Currently on a break*

Sarge: My boyfriend (35) married to Freckles.

Freckles: (36) Sarge's (soon to be ex) wife and ex-girlfriend of CPK (33) who is now married to Pink! (27)

NewSarge: Freckles' new boyfriend.
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Old 03-01-2016, 02:03 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Sounds like you have a good start on a happy poly life. Don't rush things, just communicate often and keep us posted on this forum. You can post in Poly Relationships Corner whenever you especially need feedback and advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 03-02-2016, 01:27 PM
Ellamenopea Ellamenopea is offline
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Steel has been flirting and chatting with a co-worker for several months now. On paper, she is the perfect match for him. Single, attractive, intelligent, mature. While she enjoys the attention he gives- she is staunchly opposed to the poly lifestyle. She always used to state she just " couldn't do it." They have never seen each other outside of the office,but do message on social media.

She has gotten a bit more aggressive the last few days, reaching out to him with statements like " I just wish you were single." and " I think we could have so much fun if we could date." Steel also feels she has stepped up her innuendo game at work. Last night she asked if they could hang out as friends only. He told her that it was best if they dialed down the flirtation and sexual undertones and just remained professional. Of course, as I gently reminded him, shitting where one eats is never a good idea. She replied asking if they could go out "As friends only."

He flat out told her that while he is interested in her, he has plenty of friends, and does not have the time, nor desire to hang out one on one with someone whom he is not courting. She replied that she wishes she could be romantic, but that she could "Never be with a man who NEEDS two women to make him happy. If your wife is making you so happy, why are you pursuing others?" This set him off. He explained that he didn't NEED two (or more) women, just that it's possible for him to BE with two- or more. He explained the starvation model of love, blah blah blah. He sent her the link to morethantwo. She replied with the link to a bible website and quoted scripture. That was it for Steel. He basically told her that he left her alone long ago, trying to get her to the darkside. She is the one who keeps bringing the subject up, and wanting to debate it.

I am angry. I'm not sure if she thinks he will 'see the light,' divorce me, throw everything he knows about whom he is out the window, just to take her to dinner? Maybe she just likes to debate?

Either way, I will put up with a lot, until you throw Scripture at me. (Especially when it's thrown by a woman who had a child out of wedlock at 17, many years ago.) I am a staunch atheist, as is Steel. I do not begrudge anyone their beliefs, but I do not tolerate Cafeteria Plan Bible Scripture. She insulted my husband, TWICE. Now she's insulting me.

He assured me this morning that he is going to very firm with her today that their relationship is strictly that of co-workers. Hopefully she gets the hint, and does not continue to attempt to debate this topic, as the shit is getting awfully close to the food.

It's hard to fathom that after seventeen years with Steel, I am madly in love with him. I love sitting across the living room from him, listening to him tuck our dumplings in, and just hearing him snore lightly while he sleeps. To have someone come in and question what we have together is downright hurtful.

In other news, I am seeing Sarge tonight for dinner- we generally meet half-way between our cities on Wednesday night. It's just dinner, followed by a few kisses in the car- it's nice to touch base mid-week. It helps keep my anxiety down. He has been overly verbal the last couple of days via text message, declaring his feelings for me. I feel like a teenager again!

I love two men. And I am completely happy.
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Me: Elle (41) married to Steel, in a relationship with Sarge.

Steel: (46) My husband; no longer dating Laney (41)- Single, Mono. AND in LDR with Dimples (46) * Currently on a break*

Sarge: My boyfriend (35) married to Freckles.

Freckles: (36) Sarge's (soon to be ex) wife and ex-girlfriend of CPK (33) who is now married to Pink! (27)

NewSarge: Freckles' new boyfriend.
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Old 03-03-2016, 04:03 PM
Ellamenopea Ellamenopea is offline
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Steel's co-worker approached him and asked why he's been so distant. He told her that she insulted him and ME. She apologized, saying she didn't intend it to come across that way. That's the thing with words, the sting remains, regardless of intent. He is confident that he made his intentions clear moving forward. We will see. I love this man! He refuses to allow anyone or anything threaten me, us, or our unit. He is very protective of all of us, and will not tolerate anything that causes any of us discomfort. He is my man of Steel, and his arms comfort me.

I met Sarge last night for a yummy dinner at my favorite place! We walked around the mall, hand in hand, afterwards. To anyone else, we appeared to be just a regular couple meandering through the mall on a Wednesday night. It's what I think I love most about our relationship- it's just normal.

We stopped at ULTA, as I needed a new hairdryer, and also decided to pick out a new flat iron. Show me a man who will wander around ULTA for forty-five minutes without complaint, and I'll show you a good man.

I left for home feeling zero anxiety about anything. Just bliss. I arrived home in time to tuck the dumplings in, and watch a DVR show with Steel. I am getting all too used to falling asleep with a smile on my face.

Due to Steel having gigs in town this weekend, I'll see Sarge next on Sunday. I'll head down to his city late morning and stay until 8pm or so. He's going to fix my rear windshield wiper- which I knocked off my suv after backing into my own garage door.
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Me: Elle (41) married to Steel, in a relationship with Sarge.

Steel: (46) My husband; no longer dating Laney (41)- Single, Mono. AND in LDR with Dimples (46) * Currently on a break*

Sarge: My boyfriend (35) married to Freckles.

Freckles: (36) Sarge's (soon to be ex) wife and ex-girlfriend of CPK (33) who is now married to Pink! (27)

NewSarge: Freckles' new boyfriend.

Last edited by Ellamenopea; 03-03-2016 at 04:06 PM.
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Old 03-08-2016, 01:27 PM
Ellamenopea Ellamenopea is offline
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Quite a turn of events. Co-worker was relentless, just could not give-up- and who can blame her- Steel is super sexy and an awesome guy. They had lunch last week, and that turned into many hours of texting and question asking. It appears she has come around, and wants to date him. Guess I should give her a name- I'll go with Laney.

They went on an official date last night, and she is evidently smitten. She admitted to doing some research, talking to friends and family, etc. And she is "cautiously hopeful." I feel compersion for them, but I am dealing with some anxiety too. With Dimples, it's safe. She's far away. If this relationship progresses, it will be close to home, with weekly dates and eventual sleepovers. I'll work through the anxiety, I always do. Although last night I had dreams of punching Steel in the nose and breaking it. Subconscious mind, much?

Laney states she will feel better after she meets me. Saturday's plans are for them to have dinner and her to join Steel for his local gig, then for them to come here and us all to chat. Steel really likes her, so I am hopeful as well- it would be nice for him to have someone local. The whole shitting where one eats still has me on edge, but he's been at the company ten years, her only one- and this will be a super secret office romance, so even when/if it falls out, I can't imagine there being too much drama.

I spent Sunday with Sarge. We snuggled, had lunch, he fixed my windshield wiper, I cleaned little Sarge's room as only I can. ( I have borderline OCD and when I went in to greet him, I almost got killed tripping on his toys.) Freckles and CPK came back and I cooked us all a delicious dinner. CPK and Freckles left after and Sarge and I had a wonderful evening. I love him. He is so different from Steel in so many ways, but still so wonderful. I didn't stay over as I had to be home for early Monday morning, but I drove home happy, content and stress-free.

I was originally concerned that Freckles may be put off by me cleaning her sons' room and cooking in her kitchen, but it was quite the opposite- she was beyond thankful. She and Sarge both work in stressful, full time careers. I am a stay at home Mom, who works from home about fifteen hours a week- so my energy levels are more available.

During dinner, discussion about one of the Jr. Sarge's school and aftercare came up. I was included in the conversation, and felt so content. I love the kitchen table poly we have. I could be happy in a communal living situation- Steel would never go for it.

For now, what we all have works. Time will tell if Laney will fit into our equation.
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Me: Elle (41) married to Steel, in a relationship with Sarge.

Steel: (46) My husband; no longer dating Laney (41)- Single, Mono. AND in LDR with Dimples (46) * Currently on a break*

Sarge: My boyfriend (35) married to Freckles.

Freckles: (36) Sarge's (soon to be ex) wife and ex-girlfriend of CPK (33) who is now married to Pink! (27)

NewSarge: Freckles' new boyfriend.
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Old 03-11-2016, 06:13 PM
Ellamenopea Ellamenopea is offline
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Steady. That's how I feel.

I didn't see Sarge for our Wednesday dinner this week- as dumplings had some functions to attend. I miss him like crazy, but we have used Skype each day so I have seen his gorgeous face and heard his declarations of love. He's such a goofball and makes me so happy. We booked a cruise for Mid May together! Just a quick 3 day trip, but I'm really looking forward to having three whole days of just us.

Steel and I are in a great place. We both have compersion and it's helping us enjoy each other so much. We have spent a lot of quality time with our children and alone.

Steel and Laney are still in NRE stages, and she has been asking a lot of questions about how she would fit into our lives. They are going out tomorrow night then will come to our home so I can meet her.

We have some renovations starting on our house, and that's my only source of anxiety right now. All in all, I'd say it's a great problem.

I know rough waters will eventually come, but for now, I am enjoying the smooth sailing.
__________________
Me: Elle (41) married to Steel, in a relationship with Sarge.

Steel: (46) My husband; no longer dating Laney (41)- Single, Mono. AND in LDR with Dimples (46) * Currently on a break*

Sarge: My boyfriend (35) married to Freckles.

Freckles: (36) Sarge's (soon to be ex) wife and ex-girlfriend of CPK (33) who is now married to Pink! (27)

NewSarge: Freckles' new boyfriend.
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Old 03-12-2016, 12:08 AM
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Reverie Reverie is offline
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You are very brave! I would be on edge after the whole trying to lure him away from you and quoting scripture thing. I'd be paranoid that she was putting on a front hoping to get hooks in and then lure him away after all—not that she'd succeed, since you trust HIM, but that a crazy drama-time would ensue.

I do try really hard to give people the benefit of the doubt if I have zero information about them, but after someone's already shown that side of themselves, it would be hard for me to trust that it wouldn't come sneaking out again. Your ability for compersion in that circumstance is really admirable.
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