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  #1  
Old 01-18-2015, 04:22 PM
FieryPhoenix FieryPhoenix is offline
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Default A New Life

Almost four months ago I began dating a new person. This is a very different sort of experience for me. This person is very introverted and we have chosen (for myriad personal reasons) to maintain our own domiciles.
Our dynamic is structured on the basis of solo poly.
It has been a huge learning experience for me.

I find that it is much more peaceful this way. In the past I have had more interconnectedness in my romances. Whereas this time, we are emotionally close. We have extraordinary sex. We see each other several times a week, we enjoy daily communication, but usually it's written (text). We do not share finances or a home. We don't spend a great deal of time socializing with each others friends. We maintain a large open space for personal time as individuals. At first I had doubts to how well this would work. But as time goes on, I find myself feeling like this way of having a relationship is better for me.

I find myself enjoying my time without him and enjoying my time with him. Where in the past I found myself lost when my lover(s) was unavailable.
I find feel more confident, more sure of myself, who I am, what I want, where I am going with my life.
I find I have less insecurities in all arenas of my life, I believe to a large degree because I don't identify myself in regards to my romance. I identify myself in regards to the MANY things I do with my life of which my romance is only one.
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  #2  
Old 01-20-2015, 01:01 AM
FieryPhoenix FieryPhoenix is offline
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Default Free to be me

It's been almost 4 months of dating (we were already friends). A lot of time spent talking and getting to know things about each other that we hadn't already learned as friends.
I hadn't expected that we would have so much in common. It's been interesting. There are a lot of things we don't have in common and many things about him that I never would have guessed.
There's good things and of course there are bad things.
Who knows where it will go.

Unlike previous relationships, all of which have gone "elevator style"; I am consciously avoiding that this time. We don't talk about the future beyond making plans for the current week. This is important to me. Important enough that I have avoided bringing up Valentine's Day, even though I know I will be available that day.
I also have avoided bringing up my birthday which is the following month, even though I know I will be available for that as well.

We have enjoyed several overnights together. I love the feel of his body curled up around mine. But I am loathe to make it a habit, because I am learning to treasure sleeping alone.

We meet frequently for a few hours at a time to have mad passionate sex. He's a fantastic lover. The way he is aware of every sound, every nuance, every subtle move, right down to the twitch of my eyes is intense. He reads me well and he isn't cocky about it. He pays enough attention to tailor his behavior to the mood, even when my mood shifts suddenly and/or unexpectedly.
I've gone further with him sexually, in a much shorter time frame, than any lover I have ever had in the past. But that isn't what astonishes me most. What really astonishes me, is that he didn't push me to. It was all my own doing. I felt comfortable with him. I felt safe enough to just go with the flow, instead of trying to control it or hold back.

I think about when it ends, because at least at this point in my life, my jaded heart expects that everything will end at some point. I find myself smiling. Not about it ending per se. But smiling because I don't think this one will be a regret. This experience, this relationship will live on in my memory as one of those moments when I "got it", when I suddenly realized that I could be myself and not change in order to have a relationship.

I don't hide myself. I don't pretend to be happy when I'm not. I don't tolerate what I don't like just to avoid a fight. I don't try to "win" him over. I'm just myself and he can take it or leave it. Unlike others in the past, he's chosen to take it, at least for now, and even to promote it.

He falters. I have found things that I find offensive or annoying or eyebrow raising about him. He can be jealous and possessive in moments. But he doesn't use those moments to try to control me or my choices. He expresses that he's feeling that way and then asks to be left alone while he manages his shit. I like that part-him going away to deal with his own shit.
He doesn't pressure me to make commitments, or move in. He admits that he would like them, if it's brought up. But he doesn't insist.

He knows I am poly.
He knows I don't want to live with anyone.
He knows I don't intend to remain living in this area (which he doesn't like at all).

Probably when I leave, it will end the relationship. Be that as it may.
For now, I'm enjoying the opportunity to have the most amazing sex I've ever experienced in 25 years of being sexually active.
For now, I'm enjoying being free to explore myself, my desires, my interests, without someone trying to tell me what they wish I was or wasn't.

I think I'm going to keep it this way for a long time.
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  #3  
Old 01-21-2015, 07:21 AM
FieryPhoenix FieryPhoenix is offline
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Default Sex

Oh my!
The way that man makes love is so intoxicating. So damn intense.
His eyes burn like dark coals. His hands take control. His body stakes a claim.
I can't believe I waited so long & this is what I was missing out on.
Fucking amazing.
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  #4  
Old 01-22-2015, 02:30 AM
FieryPhoenix FieryPhoenix is offline
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Default "I need some space"

Early in the week, I had a rough day. A few difficulties that arose before 8am. I told him I needed some space. Admittedly, this is unusual for me, I am very extroverted and tend to work through problems by talking them out. But this was a different situation.

Anyway-he took it with grace.

This morning, I messaged him on my way out to see what his plans were for the day and if we were going to meet up this afternoon. He said no, he needed some personal space but would like to meet up tomorrow. All good.

I LIKE that we afford each other space to not be together, without a bundle of guilt trips and bullshit.
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Old 01-22-2015, 04:01 AM
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Sounds like the new relationship is going well. Not so much dependence, more healthy personal boundaries.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story.
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Old 01-24-2015, 09:21 AM
FieryPhoenix FieryPhoenix is offline
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So much can be said for a man who takes the time. Yes, just takes the time. For whatever.
In this cae; takes the time to understand why/how my feelings got hurt (mostly cause I am fracking hormonal right now). Takes the time to notice the fairly subtle change in my breathing and facial expressions when I started getting cramps. Wrapped his arms around me, curled me up in his warmth and gently massaged my belly. Took time to ask me if I wanted to be his date for valentines day, wanted to make plans to go out a different day to avoid crowds, stay in that day, together. Takes the time to tell me hes excited to have a weekend to spoil each other without distractions. Takes the time to be sure I have eaten. Takes time to brush off every glimpse of snow and ice from my car. Takes time to check in and be sure I made it home safe.
And loveliest of all; takes time to thank me for spending the evening with him.
Sigh.
I feel cherished.
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Old 01-25-2015, 01:28 AM
FieryPhoenix FieryPhoenix is offline
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The weekend is a time when I am now, unavailable. The primary reason for this is two details combined:

~I am effectively "renting" a place where I am not allowed to have guests over
~I have to be home to deal with household and kid responsibilities.

To say the least, I don't like this set up.
I find it extremely frustrating to have limitations on my ability to have guests over. But-it is what it is for now.

For the weekend that falls on Valentine's Day; I have arranged for my home-life obligations to be handled so I can leave for the weekend.
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Old 01-27-2015, 08:53 AM
FieryPhoenix FieryPhoenix is offline
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Busy days. But it was brutal cold today and I knew he would be walking to/from work. So I rearranged my day to be able to give him a ride home. Only had a few minutes to spare.
A hug, a kiss, a 5 minute drive. Then I was off again to handle life responsibilities.
He thanked me.

Today is four months since the first time he pulled me into his arms for an electrifying, mind tingling kiss. Yes, mind.
He didn't forget. Nor did I.
He sent me a picture of a beautiful blue rose and I sent him a picture of a fire and ice rose.
That was enough.
I miss him.
But will spend the afternoon and evening with him Wednesday; and that is enough too.

I can't express how nice it is to just live and love without the extra angst of demands and expectations beyond what I can freely offer.

My most recent past relationships remain strained and bordering on outright hostile.
Having always managed to maintain friendships with exes, I find it temming that my decision to begin handling my life more authentically, being true to myself, being real about my limitations, being careful about guarding my personal rights and personal boundaries; has resulted in so much animosity from men who have claimed to love me.
But-I am not focusing my attention on that.
I am focusing it on me.

My new life.
Not theirs.
Neither my previous lovers nor my new lover will control the projectory of my life now.
Now I will control my life in so much as it is controllable.
I will live my life to the fullest that I know how.
I will enjoy the minutes and hours and days as they come.
I will choose where, doing what and with whom to spend them.
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  #9  
Old 01-27-2015, 08:39 PM
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I think what you (sensibly) want in your life right now is (a) partner/s who will respect your autonomy.
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  #10  
Old 01-27-2015, 09:53 PM
FieryPhoenix FieryPhoenix is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I think what you (sensibly) want in your life right now is (a) partner/s who will respect your autonomy.
I definitely agree, but I would raise the ante to "need".
I need a partner(s) who respects my autonomy.
I am not a piece of a person, I am a full person in and of my ownself.
I have a full and busy life with many people and activities that are deeply important to me.
I don't mind sharing my time, but I do mind being expected to neglect the people and things which are important to me.

I am relearning how to handle life and all of the myriad issues that arise, without a "back up person" to call.
Sometimes it's nerve-racking.
Often it's emotionally confusing.

Like today; I feel down. I don't feel depressed or hopeless. I don't feel "sad" exactly either. But I feel down. In the past I would have talked with one of my partners about my feelings. Inevitably they would have attempted to cheer me up. I would have then felt obligated to be cheerier in order to not make them feel bad for "failing". But that doesn't mean I would have BEEN cheerier, only that I would have felt obligated to act that way.

Today; I opted instead of not contacting anyone regarding it. I went to the coffee shop, worked on some homework, contemplated my mood and decided it's fitting and makes sense in light of how MUCH has been going on and left it at that.

An hour or so into my homework a lady came in with four noisy kids. They weren't doing anything "wrong". They were just noisy and I wasn't in the mood. So I packed up my stuff, loaded into the car and came home.

I pulled out my books, worked on some more homework. Decided I was really not interested and needed a break. Logged in to the board. Replied to a few posts that interested me and now this one.

But I haven't tried to change my mood in any given direction. I'm not avoiding it or pretending it's something other than it is. I am just doing my thing without feeling responsible to do someone else's things.

I have done household chores that needed handled, I have dealt with parenting and financial obligations that needed handled.

The most important thing I have done is to NOT feel obligated to be someone or something I'm not today, in order to make someone else more comfortable. It's a new experience in a way. I was like this when I was younger, but it's been a very long time.

Yesterday when I got home I was tired and drained. So I went to my room and played a video game quietly for an hour. When I felt rested I returned to the living room, ensured the kids got chores done, dinner was handled, pets were handled, spent some time talking to the co-parent who was visiting the kids and worked on a craft project (that I will likely finish up tonight).
I didn't guilt myself for taking an hour break.
I didn't rush around trying to be sure that everything "looked" like I had handled it and been "doing my job" with the house and the kids.
I didn't explain myself or apologize.
I just did what I needed to do and went on with life.

Fascinatingly;
The kids are falling into similar behaviors too, very quickly. They have picked up on the calm, the lack of strain, in just "going with the flow" of our needs; versus "going with the flow of the pack".

In the process, the house is getting cleaner every day (it's not dirty, but there are areas that are under construction and several people have moved in/out or changed rooms, so there are things that need to find new "places they belong"), the chores are being finished earlier and more efficiently, there's been more "free time", we've managed to start planning "dates" together (the kids and I) as well as our own dates with friends (or lovers in my case).

By upholding stricter boundaries regarding what "code of conduct" from others we will have around us; we are creating a more peaceful and functional home life.

There ARE issues still.
There are intrusions.
Some are very annoying-and I find that even the kids are finding the intrusions annoying.
We have all come to treasure our calm, quiet home. Having disruptions from people who aren't respecting our code of conduct results in all of us being grumpy and irritated.
More meaningful to me-is that we all realize WHAT is causing our mood to deteriorate and are in full agreement as to wanting it to stop.
Of course as the adult it's my job to make it stop, but they are expressing their distaste for the disruption as well and that is really cool.
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