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  #1  
Old 03-13-2016, 07:21 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Default The journey to myself

Hello everyone,
this is Tinwen, nice to meet you on my blog!

Here, I might store little fragments of thoughts and associations popping into my head when reading other parts of the forum, I will pose questions that don't deserve their own thread, blog about my relationship and life a little, and process my anxieties out loud.

Any questions, comments, advice, and grammar corrections welcome here
(just please restrict corrections to the recently written, so that I don't get it ten times...)

Introduction comming in the next post(s). Please enjoy reading and writing
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Me: female, 27, polyfriendly
Idealist: my partner, 37, polyamorous
Meta: live-in partner with Idealist, 41, monogamous

Last edited by Tinwen; 03-13-2016 at 07:23 PM.
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  #2  
Old 04-15-2016, 03:02 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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I didn't convince myself to write an introduction into my situation for a month, so it seems this blog is going to be quite occasional

Ok, I am a 26y old woman. The thing currently most on my mind, except for relationships perhaps, is starting my career in physics I finished my master's, and I am starting a phd in October, but I got very lucky to get employed by the prospective supervisor already, so that there is no gap.

I met polyamory for the first more then two years ago when my current partner, Idealist, came out to me and expressed his interest in being kinky with me. I was in a monogamous relationship and couldn't imagine any other style, so this made me all confused. However the possibility of experimenting resonated strongly with me, and soon enough I found myself deeply in love. Needless to say, my monogamous relationship didn't survive this blow.

Idealist welcomed me with all my uncertainty, and the intimacy we created is very special to me. Despite all my internal struggles with poly and our communication bumps, the relationship has survived until today.
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Meta: live-in partner with Idealist, 41, monogamous
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Old 04-15-2016, 03:10 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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And today I feel very tired, but very happy. I've had a very busy weekend last week and together with not being really used to working 8 hours a day yet it really adds up.
I am grateful that I got employed in physics though, and I don't have to think too hard about how to start earning money in some other way or sort out something short-term before I start a phd.
Also the relationship with Idealist has been great lately. We managed some bicycle trips, and I actually enjoyed them, though me and sports are usually big enemies. I'm glad he inspired me.
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Me: female, 27, polyfriendly
Idealist: my partner, 37, polyamorous
Meta: live-in partner with Idealist, 41, monogamous
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  #4  
Old 04-17-2016, 08:37 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Default Update to "Sorting thoughts before a possible date"

So, it's been 2months since I started this thread about me wanting to date a man I call Joker:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=78315
The whole situation resulted in a huge conflict with Idealist. I am giving an update here, since there is no specific question (yet ).


I am changing my mind about Joker now, kind of back to square one. I still would like some kind of intimate friendship with him. We've seen each other a at tantra few times, and we are for sure still attracted. The difference is, this time I don't feel like falling in love instantly. I know this may still happen, but a clear intention for a FWB arrangement might help a little.

Between me and Idealist, there has been some development regarding this topic with surprisingly few follow-up discussions. It became obvious in the last conflict, that any DS agreement concerning other relationship is not doable for me. He's not handling me having partners well, so I'm not giving him power, at least not in a 'veto' or 'ask me first' way. Even if he did handle his emotions well, I think I am still not giving him power, because the joy of experimenting is closely tied to freedom.

I remembered clearly, that wanting to get more sexual experience was one of the reasons why I got into an open relationship in the first place, and it became obvious to me, that this is extremely valid in the case of Joker. I told Idealist so much yesterday, together with the information that I would like to be intimate friends with Joker. He went kind of stiff and anxious, but his only objection was thet he didn't where it leads if I do it this way.

Obviously no one knows where this might lead at this point. After all, I still have to ask Joker out It will be unknown territory for all of us. But I am quite optimistic today.
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Me: female, 27, polyfriendly
Idealist: my partner, 37, polyamorous
Meta: live-in partner with Idealist, 41, monogamous

Last edited by Tinwen; 04-17-2016 at 08:42 PM.
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  #5  
Old 04-19-2016, 12:04 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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I am staying ill at home for a few days. Idealist came over today, full of energy and enjoyment from the tantra sesion I missed yesterday, and we had an amazing morning.
I am so glad our relationship is in a good place.
I also feel he's trusting me more and more to share his vulnerable spots.

End of January, I wrote in the bdsm thread about being collared, and I wanted to reflect here. I wrote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinwen View Post
He came with quite a clear vision of meaning. He want's my submissiveness to be his. He wants me to ask first, if I am going to share it with anyone else. (I know he's going to be reasonable with this, it is more of a statement of status quo anyways.). He doesn't want to take the collar off at all if possible. He wants me to completely give in to the idea that I surrender my submissivness to him and he is the only one with the right to release me from the collar, which I wanted anyway, but presumably for the duration of the relationship. He want's more, he wants to ensure I wear it during any crisis, so if I want to leave I can ask for release, but he may not grant it. He doesn't equate it with holding me in the relationship though (I find it difficult to wrap my head around that), he says I may leave at any time (and share myself with other people), but then I will still be having the collar for some more time.
... ...
I asked for more time to consider, however I wrote all my concerns in a few e-mails, and I think I have sorted this out. The worst-case scenario "he keeps me locked in even when I am trying hard to get away from him"... oh well, I know already I would have to have a huge reason to leave him. I think I can manage.

I want to submit here. It makes things easier. I want to hand over the power with no exceptions. I want to minimize the doubts. Actually I have already consented
Oh crap, one day of excitement, that's not how to make agreements

They have basically fallen as not being realistic for me. The crisis with Joker showed a lot.
I am not going to ask permission to share my intimacy or (sexual) submission. I do feel loyalty to Idealist and I am myself a little uncomfortable submiting to anyone else, but those are my limits.
I also told him I do not consent to wearing the collar once the relationship ends. This reminds me I must reiterate this point, I am not sure he fully accepted and remebered that.
The collar has been on and off during those two months in order to allow us both a break from processing difficult emotions, which I am grateful for. I was kind of overwhelmed by it, understandably before my final exam, and then again when wearing it a month in a row or so, as it brought up the doubts and some feelings of... ?anger and defiance?. Of course enjoyment too I did wear it during the "Joker" crisis, and I managed, actually it was good because I could remind me of Idealist's commitment to love me as his sub. I am grateful for that too.
I'm now wearing it for 2-3 weeks perhaps (after a break), and this time almost no anger or trapped feeling. I think I've come to more integrity and though I still think I will need a break, I will really miss it. It is a strong reminder of the relationship, and I like it.
__________________
Me: female, 27, polyfriendly
Idealist: my partner, 37, polyamorous
Meta: live-in partner with Idealist, 41, monogamous

Last edited by Tinwen; 04-19-2016 at 12:08 PM.
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  #6  
Old 04-22-2016, 09:21 AM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Aaaand I got antibiotics today and I will be staying at home at least one more whole week This really sucks.
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Idealist: my partner, 37, polyamorous
Meta: live-in partner with Idealist, 41, monogamous
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  #7  
Old 04-24-2016, 04:26 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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(rant)
I am pretty upset now. I am ill and bored at home.
Idealist was here on Thursday for a while, which was nice from him, but then he didn't come on Friday, although he had promised me that evening days before. He was busy driving his mom home, which he had to fit in his schedule somewhere, but I can't help feeling like he cancelled our date because I am just not that fun now. Makes me angry.
He is at an event for the whole weekend and ends late. Seems like I won't see him till Tuesday, which really bothers me.
He's been nice and called me like 3 times yeasterday, but still this means he preferes to be at the event till the end. I hate it. I asked him to drop by in the evening even though it's late, but he's probably too tired/not willing.

This all was kind of triggered by me responding in another thread, and it took me a while to realize that this is not a poly-secondary thing. If dreams were true and I had a live-in partner, I was ill and he was basically away for four days (including whole weekend), I would be equally upset. Can't help feeling like he somehow ought to make those two hours off. Or at least understand that I am upset.

4-5 days not seeing him usually feel like a really long time to me, and double so because as I said, I don't have that many possibilities to distract myself just now. But I think he usually feels the same, so we manage to meet often - it hurts that it seems he won't make the same effort if I am ill. I realize I might be exagerating, it's maybe the circumstances.
Why is 4 days so long to me? When he left for a week, all the relationship doubts come out. I wanted to brake up. Since that state disappeared the minute we saw each other I feel like overreacting severely. Shouldn't I be able to deal?
Or, this is just my relationship minimum.

Blah.
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Meta: live-in partner with Idealist, 41, monogamous
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  #8  
Old 04-25-2016, 03:04 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Luckinly, yeasterday's wories are yesterday's. I actually managed to defeat feeling unwanted and after one phone call and a few hours of chasing friends online. And today, Idealist surprised me and dropped by Happy together.

I also had a talk on skype with Joker yesterday. That man managed to talk for nearly 2 hours straight about his weekend
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Meta: live-in partner with Idealist, 41, monogamous
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  #9  
Old 05-01-2016, 12:21 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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So, my application for phd abroad was not accepted I guess I'll make a point of being sad for a few hours at least now.

It makes things more transparent to know.
I have a sound alternative I actually started with already. It means changing subjects of study. I hope I can do it.
I think I'll ask my advisor later if he would consent to arrange some kind of shorter exchange. Time will tell if this is a good outcome...

The world is okey, still, there goes one dream.
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Meta: live-in partner with Idealist, 41, monogamous
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  #10  
Old 05-04-2016, 08:21 AM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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I just read Reveries blog (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...&postcount=680). She feels like she found the right partner and that erased the urge for more people to her, and now she doesn't want things to change. This resonates with my fear - if I date someone mono, I will be trapped "forever" with only that one connection. But if I date someone poly? Then I don't get all those nice mono things, right? Like the feeling that my lover has me as his top priority in life. The false security that he won't leave me for someone else. And the real priviledge, that he comes home to me every night, or at least most nights. Like the certainty that he is my person to lean on and I am his person to lean on and we're a team of two with no other distraction. That if we make a family, we'll manage together. Like the priviledge of merging into "us".
Now this thinking is somewhat exagerated, because I know it is actually unlikely and unhealty to have a partner (or be someones) very top priority and to truly become one with a partner. The only thing that happens if two people do come closer then they should be, is that one of them (and it was usually me in my past relationships) starts to fight back and feels like he has to abandon the other for more freedom. I know two people never truly feel the same. Still, a big part of me wants to "have" (=read own someone who wants to be owned) a partner.

The other part where this is inaccurate is believing that none of those things can be found in poly. Since we have established daily communication with Idealist, there is, despite the distance, quite a strong sense of "us" for me. (I wonder if he has something like that too?) If you leave out the part about number one life priority, it should certainly be possible to have commited poly partner(s). In theory - even better a commited network, but I don't see that working.
I know I just miss that part of setting goals for "building a life together" and "happily ever after" just now... like, I'm a grown up now , I have a diploma and an income however small, I want to build a home and I want to do it with someone, preferably with the one I believe to grow old with. I don't mind being "secondary" in any other way (in fact, I don't think I am secondary for Idealist in any other way), but this is a huge aspect of life. So... I guess I just carry on building a home on myself, but it would be that much more pleasant to have someone to do it with. I need a tribe to belong.

And there was that other discussion last week, where it came out that it was very unlikely for FMF V's to work. Is it the same for everyone? Do we girls really need the security of a shared household with someone? (Except for those who chose solo poly, they have my respect, but that's so extremely independent that for me "solo poly"="single mom" and ="completely self-reliant" is freaking scary.) Is that why it doesn't work - either a full time husband, or better no at all? Or do we all feel deceived of our "right" to be protected, when the man has another woman as well?
I guess that is all my projection.
In fact, I only met a few real life people I believe to be poly. Idealist. Two girls I though were truly poly at heart have choosen mono partners after all. For family reasons I think. The local poly-activist girl, who imho doesn't sound very balanced. One poly fmf triad who claims to be happy - they are a little more then one year in, and one of them is pregnant so we'll see how that works. Also I have no contact with two of those three. No one else really in our local "poly" meetups I would call poly though I haven't been there for a few months, I should go. A handful of people from the whole world on this forum. Is poly a chimere? Is nearly everyone secretelly struggling?
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Idealist: my partner, 37, polyamorous
Meta: live-in partner with Idealist, 41, monogamous
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