Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-30-2012, 03:17 AM
BlazenBurn BlazenBurn is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 34
Default Came out to SO's family - Rejection

We came out to Darlings family and our friends last week. They now know that he and his wife are in a platonic marriage and we are engaged. The entire day was wonderful. They were so sweet and loving towards my children and I. We were really looking forward to spending Christmas with them.

Fast forward and I find out that Darling's sisters are really not happy. They threatened to make an issue of it if we come to the family dinner. Basically, we are not welcome. Darling has now asked us to stay home. I rationally understand the request but I am crushed because I really felt accepted but I guess it was an act.

I am also sad because my girls and I will be essentially alone on Christmas for the first time (I am divorcing their father right now). It's a bit overwhelming.

I completely lost it today and basically went temporarily insane, telling Darling that I would give him his engagement ring back so that he could fix the situation with his family. Thank God he is rational when I am not.

Any help in feeling rejected?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-30-2012, 03:58 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,229
Default

Families have been overreacting to partnerships that don't meet their expectations since the dawn of time. A partner from another tribe, a partner of another race, a partner of another religion, a partner of the same sex. This is just one more variation on the age-old tradition. In the majority of cases, as far as I can tell, the families come around just fine in time. And, hey, if they don't -- well, we all have relatives we don't get along with, you just might be gaining a couple more, unfortunately. But it by no means needs to be the end of things. It's going to be ok.
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-30-2012, 05:04 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 820
Default

I don't think it's uncommon for people to accept unexpected news mostly gracefully, then freak out about it when they have more time to really think about it and turn it over in their minds. I also think that if you just keep on as you were, there is a good chance they will sort through the garbage in their head and get back to the accepting place they seemed to be in originally.

Maybe they worry that Darling's wife is actually miserable but afraid to be honest about it in front of you (not clear if she was there also)? I've seen that reaction from a lot of 3 party groups telling their families they are poly - they cant get their heads around it so its easier for them to think that somebody is being coerced into something. Hopefully if they don't decide to stay home too, they make some efforts to advocate for the relationship dynamic they are choosing to have while with the family.

I am sorry that they are going without you if that bothers you. If it is, maybe you can ask that you all do something special with your daughters later to balance it out since you will be lonely? Maybe you could even start a new tradition together, I think that might give me something to look forward to and enjoy. I'd opt for a post Christmas pub crawl since I dont have kids, but I'm sure there's something better suited for you guys
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-30-2012, 05:33 AM
BlazenBurn BlazenBurn is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 34
Default

Darling's wife was there and is 100% supportive of our relationship. She was thrilled when I showed her the ring. I think this is very overwhelming to his family. We will probably have to start our own Holiday traditions if his extended family is not comfortable. He and I both agree that the chidren are OUR children. He is their stepfather and it is important that he be included in our Christmas celebration. I am just sad that my children are being left out. They are very aware of our relationship and are very accepting. They love him very much. I will have to redefine holidays for us now. I need to work on reframing the situation.

I guess that I am dealing with the holiday blues right now. The thought of waking up on Christmas morning without Darling there is hard.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-30-2012, 05:53 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,151
Default

When Maca and I married, his mother expected he and his son to continue going to her place for Christmas. But my daughter and I weren't welcome (no poly at that time).
We set our foot down that Christmas was a time for OUR family to be together, extended family was welcome to have time with us before or after.

We have never had cause to regret that choice in 15 years. Now we are poly-same rules apply. We ALL are together here for Christmas.

Furthermore-we don't abide by segregation or favoritism. We are a 'meal' and none of us is available ala carte.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-30-2012, 07:30 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,912
Default

Hug. Sorry it caused you to go into a tailspin a bit with extended relatives. BREATHE. BREATHE. BREATHE.

At our house, we keep extended relatives probs at the front door. Put your own oxygen mask on first in your room, then that of the immediate family living in your house, and THEN we can talk about extended relatives and friends living outside of your house somewhere ELSE.

Sometimes "Family of Origin" has a hard time accepting that the NEW "immediate family" has changed for each player. It is NOT the Family of Origin plus some extra people joining called spouses and kids. That SOUNDS all cool and Brady Bunch, but that not the animal here.

The Family of Origin ENDED. New configuration now. Same players, new line up. New players too. It is now SEVERAL new clusters of "immediate family" coming together as the "Extended Multi-family Unit."

Your new immediate family is now a husband, wife, you. (And the kids and pets of course). But those are the adults. Don't throw in the towel on YOUR immediate family just because there's poopy extended relatives. We all have those.

We did have to start changing new family traditions when kid was born. We were no longer the "young adult couple who could be flexible for all" -- we had a new limit. A newborn's needs! People had to DEAL when we'd turn things down because NO... we would not drag the baby about like that!

And the holiday traditions will change again down the line -- my kid will grow up and leave home and maybe marry and have in laws to balance. What is life but change? Some people just ride it better than others.

Hang in there.
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-30-2012 at 07:34 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-30-2012, 10:46 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

Is there any chance that Darling and his wife would be willing to make a stand? I realize it's a lot to ask and may sound needy, but isn't that the kind of thing you do for someone you're planning to marry?

It's possible that him telling his parents that he's choosing to spend Christmas with "his family" (referring to you and the kids included) will snap some sense into them. Some people are used to getting their way, and can be big babies when they have to accommodate the needs of others. They're grown-ups and they'll probably get over it.

But either way, you won't be "alone" on Christmas. You'll have your kids, and your kids will have you. That's a lot more than some people have...

Also, "Christmas" is just one day but "The Holidays" last for quite some time. Welcome to Modern Living. Dates are irrelevant. Just make sure to plan some special time for your immediate family, and focus on the positive.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-30-2012, 05:07 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 522
Default

What is a platonic marriage and how are you going to marry him if he's already married?
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-30-2012, 06:17 PM
BlazenBurn BlazenBurn is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 34
Default

Darling and his wife are still legally married but no longer have an intimate relationship. They live in separate houses but are still finacially linked and co-parent. We see our engagement as a symbol of our committment to one another. If he decides that he wants to proceed with a divorce then we will discuss the next step. He is also committed to his other GF and considers himself married to her. So, I guess it's all in how we define our relationships.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 11-30-2012, 08:15 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,545
Default

Like others have said, calendar dates are irrelevant. Plan an alternate day for you guys to celebrate as a family (big dinner and all) as if it was Christmas Day. I always liked the day before and the kids sure aren't going to complain that they get to open their gifts early. Then just do one special gift for the kids on Christmas Day and make it a fun lazy day with just you and your babies. Make their favorite breakfast, spend all day in your pjs, do finger foods for dinner, etc. Don't think of it as a day to be alone, think of it as a day to spoil your kids and all your attention is on just them.

I'd be more worried about the fact that he's willing to ditch you on Christmas to spend the day with his parents and siblings.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:04 PM.