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  #1  
Old 12-17-2012, 10:47 PM
Sheora Sheora is offline
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Default Uneven attentions

My husband and I have been poly for about a month now. No one has come all the way home with us, but there has been playing around. I'm feeling awkward because I'm getting much more attention than my husband. I know it's easier for a woman to get attention, but I feel like this might start to bother him. He insists it doesn't, but I've seen signs.

I have a whole bunch of female friends that we regularly hang out with. All of us play around together. Everything from one just likes to kiss at the bar, while another would take me home in a heartbeat and we've done everything but. Two of our male friends (who are in poly relationships with two of the girls) have expressed interest in me. My husband has gotten one make out session within the entire month.

I'm afraid that he's going to grow frustrated with things and decide that if I'm the only one having fun, then we should just forget the whole thing. I also feel terrible that he's not having nearly as much fun as me. I've asked and he insists it's all fine. But then he'll say little things that let me know he's feeling dejected. We all went to a club the other night and were all having fun together. I asked at one point if he was OK as he'd just been sitting off to the side for a while. He insisted that he was and then just offhandedly mentioned that he wished he had someone to make out with, too.

What can I do to even this out? I know he's feeling awkward going after women. Can any guys provide advice on how he can get into the swing of it?
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  #2  
Old 12-18-2012, 06:28 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Well, you could just sit back and refrain from dating until he finds somebody. If you haven't met somebody you really click with thats not the worst idea. You wont DIE if you dont take advantage of all the great opportunities the world presents women (seemingly) more than men in poly.

Do you guys use OKcupid or another dating site? Help him edit his profile to be more attractive a representation of what he has to offer.

One thing I've learned is if you can tell somebody is stressed, just because they don't say they are distressed doesn't mean you shouldn't listen to what they are non verbally saying and doing. Some people just haven't learned how to speak up, and I'd sure rather be cautious than be sorry for it later.
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  #3  
Old 12-18-2012, 07:12 AM
Sheora Sheora is offline
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We actually met through OKcupid, so he's used to the online dating. Though neither of us have touched our profiles on there since we got together three years ago. I don't think either of us is into the idea of internet dating right now, though.

I can back off of my friends a little but I'm afraid I would make things more awkward if I made a definite move like that. Would they question why I'm being standoffish? Or would my husband think he's ruining my fun?

He did mention tonight that he thinks he is a little antisocial so he has trouble approaching people. I want to help him approach girls, but I don't really know how to go about it. I've never really been Ms. Social Tact and I would probably muck it up.
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  #4  
Old 12-18-2012, 07:44 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I can back off of my friends a little but I'm afraid I would make things more awkward if I made a definite move like that. Would they question why I'm being standoffish? Or would my husband think he's ruining my fun?
Instead of what iffing and worrying about what these people MIGHT be thinking -- how about just ASKING? And believing what they say? Assume positive intent, honesty, and goodwill? Rather than assuming doom?

He is telling you he is fine -- how about BELIEVING HIM? If he's giving mixed messages where his words do not match his body language -- ask for the clarify to give him a second opportunity. If he insists he is ok, believe him then! He can choose to speak up or not. You cannot be a mind reader.

You could remind him that you expect him to bring it up if something changes and he feels not fine, and he needs to renegotiate boundaries. You would be willing to hear him out. But you are not willing to mind reader.

Then just live life and let it go until further notice!

Quote:
I'm afraid that he's going to grow frustrated with things and decide that if I'm the only one having fun, then we should just forget the whole thing.
To assuage your current fear, and stop projecting your fear on to him? And making yourself worry and doubt his word when he says he is fine? You could just ask him --
"I'm afraid that you are going to grow frustrated with things and you will decide that if I'm the only one having fun, that we should just forget the whole thing. Do you expect to make uniltateral decisions for the couple? Would I be included in that conversation? How would we negotiate that kind of conflict resolution? Where you want one thing and I want another?"
Then hopefully you can relax because your fear has abated. Now you would KNOW what behavior to expect from him and you if that situation were to arise.

Quote:
I asked at one point if he was OK as he'd just been sitting off to the side for a while. He insisted that he was and then just offhandedly mentioned that he wished he had someone to make out with, too.
Can't it be just that? He's good with you having fun. Feeling #1.

He wishes he had someone make out with too. Feeling #2.

He's being the Weather Channel and telling you feeling updates. Why link them together to make "He says he's fine with me having fun and then he says he wishes he had someone to make out with too. So secretly it must mean he's not REALLY ok with me having fun! Doooooom!"

Is he habitually not honest in his communication with you? Why are you trying read more into it than what he states? Are you feeding your fear above?

Reporting how he's doing in his feelings doesn't mean you have to do anything ABOUT them. He himself might not want to do anything about them. Just reporting internal weather. Let it blow on thru.

Quote:
What can I do to even this out? I know he's feeling awkward going after women. Can any guys provide advice on how he can get into the swing of it?
You are not responsible for "making things even things out" and making sure he has other relationship opportunities equal in number to yours. It would inappropriate for you to be responsible for finding him a GF or make out buddy. Is this you feeding the fear above again? Trying to make it not come up by ensuring your fun "won't get taken away because he has a fun buddy too?"

How do you know he's feeling awkward? Does he state that to you?

"I feel awkward going after women."
If so? Then you could say

"I hear you. What is your need at this time from me?
  • For me to just be a Safe Ear listening to you vent and air out and that's it?
  • Or for me to be an Ear with Feedback and give you advice?
  • Something else that would be appropriate for me to provide you with?
Then you know what your job is and are being supportive/helpful in appropriate ways.

Why are you so afraid of so many things in bold above? Don't feed your "fear" bucket. Could choose to feed your "assured" bucket. Could choose to talk to him and get the info you need to feel and be reassured.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-18-2012 at 08:15 AM.
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  #5  
Old 12-18-2012, 12:28 PM
gaiasrevenge gaiasrevenge is offline
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I can totally relate. My husband and I have been poly since early this year. I found a partner I really clicked with quite quickly and have been seeing him for six months. I had similar fears, that he'd suddenly say, 'Im not getting anywhere so I want you to stop seeing him.' It never happened like that. I had to very careful of my DHs feelings and my relationship with my BF didn't move like Id have liked.

Now DH has just started seeing someone, and he's much happier with my BF and how things are. It just seems to be harder for men for some reason.

Hang in there, believe him when he says he's fine. I didn't at first, and it was that disbelief that caused problems. Good luck.
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  #6  
Old 12-18-2012, 06:17 PM
Sheora Sheora is offline
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Okay. It makes a lot more sense to me now. I think the reason I'm so afraid that he's not being honest with me is that we went through a big rough patch earlier this year. The problem we faced then was that he was keeping it from me when little things were bothering him. Those little things built up and up until it was a huge problem that he couldn't get past. We worked through that and are much more open and honest now. I guess I'm just holding onto that fear that he's going to do that again.

I'll make sure that we keep talking about things. I just have to ask him if something's bothering him, listen if it is, and believe him if he says it's not.
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  #7  
Old 12-19-2012, 02:59 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Yep. Focus on what you want MORE of -- up front honest updates from him. Not on what you do not want.

Quote:
I'll make sure that we keep talking about things. I just have to ask him if something's bothering him, listen if it is, and believe him if he says it's not.
When you do these little check ins with him THANK him for doing it and keeping you up to date on his inner "Weather Channel" updates.

Let him know you prefer that to him holding it in like before and appreciate his effort.

And BELIEVE him.

GL!
Galagirl
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