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  #11  
Old 03-19-2013, 09:53 PM
acb2012 acb2012 is offline
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Wow. It has been three months since that last post. And what a 3 months it has been.

After that last speed bump, we really didn't talk much for a bit. I needed some time to get my head straight and to really figure out what the hell I was seeking. So it wasn't until around Christmas that we spoke again. And then tentatively. I had thrown up all these walls, and was super protective of me.

After New Years, and a LOT of thinking on my part, a lot a lot, things opened up. And then, I realized that "casual" is just some dumb word. So screw it. And I just opened up and said, "Yes. Tell me everything." And he did. And that kicked off a chain of communication that just has not quit.

Was he waiting for me to say that before things moved out of casual zone? I don't know. But I am glad I did. Knowing is so much easier than not knowing and wondering. And he was ready to share whenever I asked. And honestly I wish I had asked earlier.

A lot has happened in his life since then. I struggle at times with being one of the few people he says he can talk to. Yes, he has other lovers and loves, but he only sees them very occasionally. He went through a break-up with one of them during this time, I think which was why he was wanting to share in December. It's just as well I wasn't ready for that, as I would have turned on my heel and walked out completely. He'd gotten back together with the ex who he was still hurt by when we first started dating. He was hurt then, nearly a year ago, and has been re-hurt. Hard to watch. Also, explains a lot.

But in the meantime, I have been working on ME. Me me me meme. Feel kind of selfish about it, but I really needed to. After yet another exciting and fun and potentially great connection with another person over Christmas that ultimately fizzled and was VERY disappointing, I have been kind of dealing with the concept that right now, I do not want a one night, or two night stand like that. I get a lot of those. I'm rather aggressive and no bullshit. But I will not be doing that again for a while. Especially not with any more crushes.

Right now I have so much going on with my moving to another city in a few months, a HUGE project at work, and tidying up the last vestiges of my old life to begin again. I am feeling like I just can't take anything new on.

Like have said, I don't really think I am poly. I don't know what the fuck I am. Maybe I am and just reject labels. I have zero interest in dating anyone else right now, though I am by no means exclusive to ___ (still have to come up with a name). Poly-periphery? I don't know. I have discovered the Poly Weekly pod cast and really enjoy it, if only because it is making me understand and practice and be better at communication, thinking things through, etc.

But, anyway, things are going swimmingly in general. Done with the rollercoaster NRE crap, which I HATE. Have a ton more perspective and groundedness. And honestly... right now is a bad time for both me and ___ to start anything much more involved than what is. Status quo is working just fine. Our weekends together over the past few months feel a little more relaxed and non-stressful for me. there's no rush. If things work out, yay. If they don't, I have gained a friend who I will love and treasure for life.

I am in no rush for anything but beginning my new life. I've been a single mother for almost 19 years now. I am ready to be me again. I just have to figure out who I am. It has been a lifetime of me being someone's mom, someone's girlfriend, someone's daughter. I really have never had much time to be just myself.

I have taken in another stray, as I call them. A friend who has just moved to my city and needs a place to start getting established. It's been tricky, as my apartment is VERY small. With me, my daughter and now a friend it is at it's limit. I have ZERO alone time in the house, which is VERY hard for me. And very frustrating. I am used to at least having a few hours and an occasional night here and there. Not so much. Have actually been considering getting a hotel room just to be alone for a night.

Part of my not even wanting to get out and try to date is just feeling kind of drained by helping everyone else in the damn world, it feels like. I have 3 friends going through some pretty serious stuff. Not to mention ___. Top that with a friend who knows no one and is staying with me and a young adult to care for and I am left with not a lot left over. Not for me, not for anyone. I have zero desire to start anything new right now....what I have left over I need to keep for me. ____ is somewhat established in my life and gets more than he would right now if we had just started dating yesterday, for sure.

I don't even know where I am going with this. Just needed to write it all out a bit. I am happy I have found this community, even if I don't quite belong. This has been a pretty intense year of self-discovery. I just wish I had a way to describe myself where I was not judged.

Anyway... that's it for now. Hopefully will update sonner than 3 months next time.
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  #12  
Old 03-22-2013, 02:11 AM
acb2012 acb2012 is offline
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I am never going to fit in anywhere. Not in the poly community. Not in the monogamy community. I feel seriously alone in this. In between worlds. I can't ever phrase my world or life so people anywhere understand it.
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  #13  
Old 04-03-2013, 11:28 PM
acb2012 acb2012 is offline
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Well that was a whiny little post. Forgive, please, got a lot going on.

The past few weeks have been nutty. Note to self: DO NOT TAKE IN ANY MORE STRAYS. Nightmare.

I have expressed my feelings about feeling not able to have the emotional, physical, mental or anything energy to date aside from ___ to him. And we talked about it a bit. And since thing have settled down a bit in my care giving for what feels like a million people, I am thinking about trying.

THINKING about. But feeling less resentful about not having the energy to even consider it. Still have waaaaaaay too much going on in the upcoming 2 months to spend much on it. But it is nice to think about and there is this cute young thing who has been texting me for a a good many months who I know I will meet in May. He is VERY young though. And young is not really my thing. Anyone I could have given birth to is an automatic NO, and he is on the cusp. But we will see where it goes.

I really need to spend more time on me. I hate being selfish like that, but if I can not take care of myself how can I be good to anyone else?

Things are progressing nicely with __. The past month has been pretty intense on a lot of levels with us. I am just trying to see how things go. This long distance thing is pretty sucky. It has gotten to the point where I would really like to spend more than 1 night or weekend a month with him. But right now, not going to happen. Soon, yes, but not now.

Oh well, anyway.
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  #14  
Old 04-25-2013, 11:00 PM
acb2012 acb2012 is offline
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Well. Here I am again. Posting here, I mean, not in any sort of situation.

We're still fumbling along. This long distance thing SUCKS. A lot. I think a LOT of my problems are just dealing with long distance stuff. It will end soon enough, as the plan was in place to move to his city before he and I even got remotely serious. And that is happening soon.

Which then beings a whole bunch of other stuff. I have not dated someone in my own city in about 3 1/2 years. 2 of them, not dating. LOL. So, I am very, very used to being very, very independent and alone. Now to go from seeing ___ once a month to???

I know I just have to sit back, take a chill pill, and let things play out.

I am very excited about moving because once I get settled, oh boy, am I ready to start dating again. I really haven't been because honestly I have SOOOOO much going on, I can not even handle this long distance once a month thing well. I don't think it is fair for any other potential partner or friend or whatever for me to go on a few dates, and then be all, "Moving, bye!" And I do not have the energy to give to anyone.

I do have a super sweet fella who I have not yet met, but we have been texting and talking a lot. I'll meet him next month, we'll see. He is ridiculously young for me, and honestly I don't think there's much there besides FWBs, but hey...who knows. By young I mean 15 years younger. Which, for me...is a LOT. I usually only date people my age or a little older. Oh well, bust out the cougar mode, I guess.

On my last visit to visit ___ we ended up going to a sort of swinger party. And found the loveliest lady. I have really been exploring my sexual side with women a lot this past year and have really been enjoying it. She has a boyfriend and was not down with going too far with ___, but she and I and he had a ton of fun. She and I have been texting a lot since, so maybe this will be something more regular.

By biggest struggle of late is that ___'s life is such a disaster, he really doesn't have much of a chance to get out of his own head enough to give me what I need. To give anyone, really. And it is hard. Neither of us got into this expecting it to start becoming very serious, and somehow that kind of happened. But it is a constant one step up and two steps back, emotional connect and then withdrawal. And it is kind of messing with my head. I am hoping that once I am closer and this turns into something more predictable, it will become clear if it is going to work, or if it is just going to turn into a very deep, close friendship with no romance and no sex.

I am kind of looking forward to predictable. I absolutely LOVE those small moments. That waking up on Sunday, drinking coffee and doing the crossword together. Not so much the dinners and parties and so on, more the little, intimate bits that are easy to take for granted.

Ugh. Rambling. Feedback on any of this is OK, btw... I don't know what there really is to give feedback on, but....
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