What are the downsides of being poly?

sage

New member
Coming from a mono perspective I suppose i have had until now an underlying belief that in a mono/poly relationship the mono has to work harder.

I'm starting to see that it's probably just different work. I watch Z and I see that he doesn't have quite the same level of contentment in our relationship that I do. His mind is often off with someone else and he seems to have an insatiable wanting. He says that will go when... or when... but I wonder if some of this is the a downside of being poly?

My question is are you ever completely content with what you have or are you always on the look out for more?

Sage
 
I would say thats a one sided view. Relationships are a tonne of work. Poly relationships are not any harder than a mono one, it just happens to end up that way with all the communication and timing it takes to make stuff work. Of course that is in general.

Does the mono work harder in a poly relationship than the poly in the same relationship. I don' t believe so. depending on the situation, there is a lot of restrictions and communication required by the poly to help the mono. As hard as the mono is working to understand, the poly is working to help...or should be. :)...that I suppose is the caveat.

There are seemingly two type of poly people (generalizing here) I ... don't look for anything. I leave myself open to the chance of finding people. I am also very social, so I suppose it appears I am always looking...when in fact I just like to keep myself exposed to the possibility :) I enjoy the dating but i don't fall in love with everyone I date ;)...

My wife on the other hand is content with playing the waiting game, seemingly letting situations fall into her lap. I believe this also has to do with how active I am...

It also isn't a question of contentment. I am content with my wife...but I have more to give, I enjoy loving people...will I run out of love to give...not sure..I just don't feel monogamous, I can't fathom not being available to the ability to be with someone else if it comes along...(ps I don't use love, because I am in an open relationship with the ability to fall in love, i don't restrict my openess to love only)

ari
 
I can't speak for a two sided poly side relationship but I can say with authority that mono / poly relationships are way more work than a mono /mono relationship. Way more !
 
Thanks for your replies guys.

I suppose in a way it was quite an ambiguous question and i should be brave enough to put out what lies beneath it.

I'm considering exploring other relationships myself. I'm not going hugely out of my way but like Ari and partner, if one should come my way I think I would now be open to it. This is more likely for us now because we have started meeting the local poly community.

What worries me is that it might upset my equilibrium. Things are really good for us right now and while part of that is due to my decision to participate in the lifestyle I am also a bit worried that it could upset our whole apple cart.

I know in the past I haven't been good with NRE so I'm very aware of the effect that could have. Bottom line I suppose is the question"how do you keep new relationships in perspective and not upset the wonderful relationship you already have? There I think that is actually what I would like to know.
 
For me it's the knowledge that I come home to Breathes' willing and waiting arms (and fingernails for scratching, meow!) whenever I'm out with someone else.

We have a good, solid foundation to work from. The longer we're together the easier I find it to let him go & have his fun while I go & have my fun (this includes alone time).

There is nothing quite like the feeling of being happy because he's happy! I guess the happiness increases exponentially?
 
Ok, While my wife and I are fairly new to the whole "poly" idea....we have lived in a couple different "poly" relationships. 4 to be exact....but one of them was attached to another. We were seeing a couple, and then they got dicvorced. L kept seeing the male portion of the couple. The woman wouldn't have anything to do with us because we were still friends with her ex. :( It was truely a sad thing....Our current relationship, has lasted about 2 years on and off.

I have to say that it is WAY more difficult. Just when I start to think I can understand my wife.....I'm wrong. And so if I'm wrong about that, how will I ever understand my GF, or my wife her BF? It's so confusing, but....We try to make sure we are communicating a LOT. Yet, we have to make sure that we don't spend TOO much time with our bf and gf. (They are married to each other btw) When we do, we end up fighting.....now, the make up sex is great....but I could do without the arguments in the first place.....So yeah, it's MUCH more difficult than a mono relationship.

Oh, I almost forgot....The original question....My answer, we are not looking for anyone else now that we are "on again" with our couple. However, when we are "off again", we are looking almost every day. LOL But in almost 6-7 months of looking almost every single day, we found no-one we liked....except our original couple...and then it hit us...We were being stupid. :D
 
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Not sure what the downside is for a ploy, but for me(a mono), its trying to understand and learn about the "why's". Thats just me, my mind works different from most people. For me it takes an incredible amount of work, communication, patience( I lack some:eek:), and understanding. Thats just me though.
 
I enjoy being in romantic relationships, so I don't think of being in more of them as really having a "downside". That said, scheduling can sometimes be a pain.

My question is are you ever completely content with what you have or are you always on the look out for more?

I'm not sure how to answer this question. If I somehow knew right now that I would never fall in love with anyone new for the rest of my life, I'd be sad about that. It'd imply that I was going to spend the rest of my life meeting people who I don't find loveable!

I guess that means that I'm not "completely content" in some theoretical way, but I definitely don't think of myself as "on the look out for more", and I don't imagine that I would feel any differently regardless of the number of relationships I was in (although if that number was zero, that might change things, I suppose).
 
I read sage's question
My question is are you ever completely content with what you have or are you always on the look out for more?

For me I CAN be completely happy in my current Primary relationship. I was before Possibility came along. I wasn't looking for another partner when he asked me & that relationship has been been one again, off again for two years now. I can't imagine scheduling my life around him. It's hard enough getting him to schedule one night a week without sending him a reminder that it's supposed to be our evening together.

I've always been content with what I've had (with the notable exception of my marriage). I was content living by myself, when living with boyfriends, etc. I think that comes from learning to be able to live with myself and to love any time I get where it's just me (like now. It's just me for the next hour! WOOT!)
 
Good question. I have another, since it seems that some people on here are always looking.
Can you become addicted to the NRE? It seems that some people have a relationship for a few months or so and then it ends and they are on to the next exciting adventure.
Dont mean to offend anyone, just curious.
 
Good question. I have another, since it seems that some people on here are always looking.
Can you become addicted to the NRE? It seems that some people have a relationship for a few months or so and then it ends and they are on to the next exciting adventure.
Dont mean to offend anyone, just curious.

From what I've read here (generalizations) ...

Yes, some are addicted to NRE.

But a lot of poly just enjoy the NRE, and savor the relationship when the NRE dies down.
 
Good question. I have another, since it seems that some people on here are always looking.
Can you become addicted to the NRE? It seems that some people have a relationship for a few months or so and then it ends and they are on to the next exciting adventure.
Dont mean to offend anyone, just curious.

Yes I have read...I guess it could be called serial polyamory. Jumping from relationship to relationship once the NRE dies off. Its almost unconcious as the people doing it don't notice. A few members on another forum I read, have been called out on it...

Never really goes over well :)...
 
Yes I have read...I guess it could be called serial polyamory. Jumping from relationship to relationship once the NRE dies off. Its almost unconcious as the people doing it don't notice. A few members on another forum I read, have been called out on it...

Never really goes over well :)...

The thing is, this isn't a behavior that's exclusive to polyamory. It's something that can happen with any relationship style.

I do suspect that people hear more about this than they hear about stable relationships, making it seem like this can be a more common issue than it probably is.
 
The thing is, this isn't a behavior that's exclusive to polyamory. It's something that can happen with any relationship style.

I do suspect that people hear more about this than they hear about stable relationships, making it seem like this can be a more common issue than it probably is.

Absolutely true :)...It applies to anyone looking for that fix...
 
It's a bit hard for me to answer since there was always too much drama going on...

For me, the only times I have been "completely content" in any real way were when I had the right mix of partners and they were all nice to each other. By "right mix" I mean that I had someone with whom to share and express all the parts of me that were occupying me at the time.

There are times when I am not on the look out for more. Still, I end up looking most of the time, since I usually have a lot going on, and much of it I have no-one to share with. I don't think this is fundamentally poly, nor do I see it as a problem. Some people have an itch to grow and change; others don't.
 
Yes I have read...I guess it could be called serial polyamory. Jumping from relationship to relationship once the NRE dies off. Its almost unconcious as the people doing it don't notice. A few members on another forum I read, have been called out on it....
Isn't this just what happens with most relationships? You get to know someone, you have fun, but it fizzles out, or doesn't really work, and you move on? I don't think that's "addication to NRE", it's just dating.
 
Wow, i've been really busy today so was blown away with all the discussion this attracted. It is reassuring that most of you do seem able to be satisfied. So hopefully once Z finds what he's looking for in terms of "friends" he too will feel content. Right now he is looking in some wrong places and I find myself getting hurt along with him. We are starting to look at some poly groups so hopefully this will turn things around.


JKelly"I'm not sure how to answer this question. If I somehow knew right now that I would never fall in love with anyone new for the rest of my life, I'd be sad about that. It'd imply that I was going to spend the rest of my life meeting people who I don't find loveable! "

This brought up some sadness for me because this is exactly the way I used to feel when I was in a bad marriage. Now I have a great relationship I just don't feel this anymore so while my brain knows that others can still feel like this in good relationships my heart still cries (sometimes).
 
I can say this in all honesty, for me, once I came to terms with being poly, it has been as easy as breathing. For me, there are no new, additional downsides. Time management is my life struggle, as I work multiple jobs and will going back to school full time and working in the fall.

I feel completely content in my current situation (one husband, one serious boyfriend), but I'd also be willing to change. Here's the best analogy I can come up with. Imagine you had a job that you liked that paid you well for your work. Everything is pretty darn good. You could say that you were completely content with your job and could be happy with it for the rest of your working years. However, if someone offered you a better job, that paid better or was more interesting, you might take it, and find yourself in a new situation, where you could be complete content. I don't mean to say I'd dump everyone and move on, but rather that if more good could be had by adding someone else, it would be cool. I hope that made sense.
 
I can't speak for a two sided poly side relationship but I can say with authority that mono / poly relationships are way more work than a mono /mono relationship. Way more !

That's interesting and I guess it depends on where you are in your life at the time. My 12 year monogamous relationship was much harder than my current poly relationships but that's just because I had a lot of emotional work to do back then and also I had no relationship skills yet and I had to learn all of that. Now that I'm older (and wiser) relationships are just easier!! Since I'm poly now, it seems that poly relationships are easier to me.
 
My question is are you ever completely content with what you have or are you always on the look out for more? Sage

I'm always on the look out for more relationships because I'm an extrovert and I have a practically unquenchable thirst for acquaintances and friends. Since these acquaintances and friends have their own busy lives and experience life changes, they do not always remain permanently available. So- I am always open to meeting people and seeing where things go! I have been like this for as long as I can remember, starting in elementary school and this interest in pursuing and maintaing relationships is something that gives me great pleasure! I can't imagine that this will ever change.
 
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