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  #1  
Old 11-24-2012, 04:31 PM
Moneypenny Moneypenny is offline
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Default Advice? Don't know how to go about this.

Thanks to anyone who reads this! Sorry it's long, I'm pretty thorough.

My husband and I are looking to explore polyamory and I wanted to ask anyone who knows more than us some questions.

Some background to our relationship: my husband and I have been together for 13 years (married for 5 of those 13 years). We just had our first child a year ago. Both of us are straight. I enjoy the female form, but have no desire to be sexual with a female and my husband has the same thoughts on guys. We have been closeted swingers (and it must stay that way) for the past 6-7 years and have enjoyed our open relationship very much. It has mostly consisted of threesomes with another male, but occasionally we are able to have both another male and female. I can also be intimate with a guy by myself, but my husband is either in the room watching or in another room close by. Very rarely am I "allowed" to do this when he isn't in the same place as I am. On the other hand I have allowed him to be some where else with another woman on numerous occasions.

Lately, my husband and I have been talking about our swinging and how it has evolved over the years and i asked him about poly. He stated that he was interested in the dynamic, but was unsure how it would work with our child and how "serious" we were looking to get with other people. I gave him an example of me having a boyfriend or him having a girlfriend who didn't live with us who we saw 1-2 times a week by ourselves and he seemed okay with it. Obviously, we would speak further on the rules and such if we pursued such a thing.

Anyway, I mentioned me having a boyfriend to my husband because when we first began swinging we met a guy who was very open to what we do. We hit it off well and through the years he became my "go-to" guy whenever I could. He also became very good friends with both of us. Unfortunately, he lives 5 hours away and he hasn't been able to travel very often in the past couple of years, and we haven't been able to either with the birth of our child and some financial issues. So I have been in contact with him through various ways, mostly just as a friend. Recently, I realized that I have developed feelings towards him. On the verge of love I think. The issue is that I don't think the guy knows this (and he lives 5 hours away). I also don't know if he'd even be interested in being my "boyfriend" as I know he's definitely looking for a person that he can spend his life with and have a family (which in a different world I would be happy to give him, but that's not possible).

In addition, I told my husband that I think I love the guy and he said that he had a feeling that might have been the case. After I mentioned that, he kind of took back his openness to the poly idea. He said that he knows that I love him and would never leave him (which is the truth! I love him more than anything!), but he cant get past the fact that I now love someone else other than him when it's only been him for so long.

Okay so here's the jist of it all:

1. How do I assure my husband that I love him the most and the love I have for this other guy is TOTALLY different?

2. How do I bring up my feelings to the other guy without it being weird? We don't want to lose our friendship with him no matter what. I'd end our sexual relationship if it had to be either friends or not friends.

3. Is it even feasible to be in a poly relationship with someone so far away? He is 5 hours away and will likely never move anywhere near us in the future. And although had mentioned he is always looking for something closer (not just because of us. He has many friends in the state we live in since he went to college here). He does have a good job where he lives and why give up a good job.


I hope this all makes some sort of sense. Please let me know if there are any questions. This has been on my mind for quite sometime and I would love to make it more at ease with a little advice and feedback on my situation.

Thanks.
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  #2  
Old 11-25-2012, 01:08 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Hi and welcome .

On #1 ....this might be difficult because we all process these things from our own prospective and understanding and how one defines love. Also sometimes there is a 'better'. We all know there are going to be people who are stronger or more fit, funnier, smarter, better lover, more emotionally available or sensitive, etc ,etc, etc which are elements to attraction and connection which then get lumped under the umbrella of love. And if this has been his experience while dating or swinging it might be difficult to argue. And the idea of quantitative love supports his side of the argument.

If and when role are reversed how would you want to be reassured that he loves you most ? Maybe work backwards from there.

Id say the biggest thing is have your words match your actions. NRE can fog things up.

# 2 I'd let that progress naturally and when the right moment presented itself I'd be honest.

# 3 I don't have a clue ....I dont think it would work for me but to each hie or her own.

Last edited by dingedheart; 11-25-2012 at 01:11 AM.
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  #3  
Old 11-25-2012, 02:56 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
If and when role are reversed how would you want to be reassured that he loves you most ? Maybe work backwards from there.
Not necessarily. If for example Person A feels loved as the result of spending quality time together but Person B feels loved as a result of receiving a surprise box of his favourite chocolates, then Person B giving chocolates to Person A isn't going to be instinctively understood by Person A to mean that they are loved. Person B needs to work out what Person A understands as an expression of love and do that instead.

Moneypenny, perhaps you could look at what your husband does when he's expressing love and do the same for him to show he's loved. He's more likely to understand love in the same "love language" he shows it in. Confused yet? This book explains it much better than I can.
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  #4  
Old 11-25-2012, 04:11 PM
Moneypenny Moneypenny is offline
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I think I may have stumbled on what my husband's real reservation is with me asking our friend to be in a poly relationship with me. We were discussing it last night and he said that he would have no problem with the relationship if our friend didnt live 5 hours away. He wouldn't even mind if he moved to live with us. (He even discussed -not in great detail- how date nights could go).

He doesn't think the long distance thing will work for either of us and it would eventually make things ugly. I have a tendency to believe him because I know me (I couldn't do it with my husband when we were just dating- I had gone to college and eventually moved back home to be with him). Plus, with us being so far away right now it would be unfair to our friend that I was so unavailable and yet we were supposed to dating.

I know that there is still the fact that he isn't 100% comfortable with my confession that I love our friend, and I hope that the whole long distance thing isn't something he is using to cover his feelings up.

Of course this doesn't change anything about my feelings and I still want to persue the relationship if and when it seems like the right time to bring it up to our friend. Unfortunately it might have to be put on semi permanent hiatus until either our friend moves closer or my husband and I are in a more stable financial situation to make traveling for me a little more feasible.

It stinks, but such is life.

Last edited by Moneypenny; 11-25-2012 at 04:34 PM.
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  #5  
Old 11-25-2012, 04:33 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default Those are the best kind of problems

Because they are the most understandable. Nobody ever feels hurt when it's logistics that prevents three people from seeing each other and living out those described moments of everyone's wildest dreams.

It sucks, but not having the money to visit or waiting until you have it isn't as hard to deal with all the other reasons things may not work out.

Who knows, perhaps you're already set up to achieve what most search for but never find, whereas you guys can see your dreams unfolding, it's just this is the beginning, like buying your first house.
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  #6  
Old 11-25-2012, 05:01 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Hi Moneypenny

I think Dirt makes a really good point.

Incidentally , I do think long distance relationships can work... but it depends what you want and what works for you. I've always liked them and made them work.

I currently live in the UK and my primary GF lives in the US! It's been like that for two years. We see each other 6 months out of the year and the rest of the time is emailing, skype and going into a game called RLC, which is like Second Life. It's not even a casual relationship - we consider each other a wife, a life partner, parents to our daughter, and are fully committed. If that level of commitment can work across the ocean, I don't see why a more casual relationship couldn't work with a 5 hour distance. But.... as I say.... you know yourself and maybe it's not for you!

For the future, or if you decide to pursue a little something with him now... there are a couple of really, really good articles that might help you.

Have you ever heard Sternberg's theory of love? It is not directly based on polyamory; but I feel it can definitely relate. The idea is that there are 7 different types, or stages, of love, based on the combination of different facets - passion, intimacy and commitment. The final, ideal, stage is 'consumate love', which is a solid combination of the three. Consumate love takes time - you aren't going to have it for other people straight away. This may help you to understand and explain what kind of love you feel for your friend, as opposed to your husband. And I do know what you mean - I've fallen in love with two people at once... but not in the same way. Using this article, I have discovered that I absolutely feel consumate love for my girlfriend and have yet to feel that level of love for a secondary partner.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love

Another useful article was posted by Gala Girl and it really helps to breakdown insecurity and jealousy. Pages 5 and 6 are extremely helpful in terms of giving pointers on how to deal with poly, whether you are the active partner, or the partner who is struggling:
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

It sounds like you and your husband have an excellent foundation to polyamory, or to whatever path you choose to follow together.

I wish you all the best of luck and hope we hear more of your story as it goes along!
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  #7  
Old 11-25-2012, 08:07 PM
Moneypenny Moneypenny is offline
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Smile Thanks for the replies so far.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dirtclustit View Post
Who knows, perhaps you're already set up to achieve what most search for but never find, whereas you guys can see your dreams unfolding, it's just this is the beginning, like buying your first house.
Thanks, I'm definitely looking at the situation this way. This is a new beginning for the both of us. It took us years of trial and error to be able to have our relationship the way it is now (swinging), so it makes total sense that in order to be poly it will also take time to adjust to something new.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
Have you ever heard Sternberg's theory of love? It is not directly based on polyamory; but I feel it can definitely relate. The idea is that there are 7 different types, or stages, of love, based on the combination of different facets - passion, intimacy and commitment. The final, ideal, stage is 'consumate love', which is a solid combination of the three. Consumate love takes time - you aren't going to have it for other people straight away. This may help you to understand and explain what kind of love you feel for your friend, as opposed to your husband. And I do know what you mean - I've fallen in love with two people at once... but not in the same way. Using this article, I have discovered that I absolutely feel consumate love for my girlfriend and have yet to feel that level of love for a secondary partner.
[url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love
Wow, that article was exactly what I needed to describe my feelings. I feel much more "in charge" of what I'm trying to get across to my husband now. Hopefully when he understands the difference between the love I have for him and our friend he can begin to feel less like "he doesn't have all that I need/want". Or that I love him less than before, which isn't the case.



Thanks to everyone who posted. I think I'm okay with how things are turning out for now and hopefully in the future I can update on how things are going.

I'm definitely open to more opinions and advice, so keep it coming!

Last edited by Moneypenny; 11-26-2012 at 12:22 AM.
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  #8  
Old 11-27-2012, 10:40 AM
riftara riftara is offline
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My husband and I say this, it reminds us that we are first in each others lives. It may not be accurate for you, but I wanted to share.

"You are all I need, but not all I want"

My husband often struggles with ths, the other man I love is my best friend and we have been "together" as friends for over 12 years now, with actual sexual relationships interspersed. Way longer than my husband and I have even known each other, much less been in love. My love for my best friend is very strong, and there are times when I know my husband doesnt feel as loved as he knows I love my best friend. That little saying helps him, and it reminds him that HE is the one I married.
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