feel betrayed

[jones]

I am on a swinger's site and so it A, he said he will only see me and we were going to start fluid bonding but now I have seen he has meet with a woman, I know he isn't mine but I feel so sad and jealous, I am suppose to see him tonight but I don't feel like I want to, I feel I am not enough for him as he is still meeting for sex, I feel so betrayed , do I cancel tonight? stop seeing him, I love him but I was hoping I meant something to him.

[sparklepop]

Hi Jones,

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad.

I am a little confused... are you dating A? Is he your primary partner, secondary partner, FWB, or something else? Your swinging partner?

So, he's told you he's only going to see you and is only going to fluid bond with you? How have you seen that he has met with a woman - through the site? Or he told you?

What are your relationships guidelines? Do you have any? You can bet your ass that if my primary girlfriend slept with someone and didn't tell me, I'd have a big issue, because our guideline is to tell each other when that stuff happens. But if it was one of my secondaries? Our guideline is - do tell me, but it doesn't have to be immediate. Just let me know the next time you see me, if you're sleeping with someone else. If it was a very casual FWB? Do tell me, but it's not even remotely a big deal - but DO be sexually safe.

So, those are my guidelines. What are yours, with A? Have you made them clear and has he agreed to them?

The only way you can continue in relationships with people is to communicate and be honest. If you don't see him tonight, you can't really communicate. So I say go there, meet him, talk to him. See what he has to say?

If he's making false promises, to be monogamous to you, then that's obviously not right. But, are you sure he has seen another woman? And was it actually to have sex? If it was an old friend, or old sexual partner, and he hooked up with them again, he might not think of that as being the same as 'dating someone else/new'. Speak to him!

[jones]

hi sorry I wasn't clear, when I first started seeing A it was through a swinging site, I have been seeing him for four months and we started caring for each other, I love him but he doesn't know, he only knows that I care for him.

So, he's told you he's only going to see you and is only going to fluid bond with you? How have you seen that he has met with a woman - through the site? Or he told you?

yes he did and I found out because you can post verifications and she did one for him and that was how I found out, he didn't tell me.

What are your relationships guidelines? Do you have any? You can bet your ass that if my primary girlfriend slept with someone and didn't tell me, I'd have a big issue, because our guideline is to tell each other when that stuff happens. But if it was one of my secondaries? Our guideline is - do tell me, but it doesn't have to be immediate. Just let me know the next time you see me, if you're sleeping with someone else. If it was a very casual FWB? Do tell me, but it's not even remotely a big deal - but DO be sexually safe.

it was with someone new and he plans to see her again, I haven't told him not to just see me but I have said I wish it was just us, I feel hurt he hasn't told me and plans to see her again, I feel like I am not enough for him. we were suppose to fluid bond, having sex without a condom is a very special thing to me and important, she says on her profile that she doesn't have sex without them but what about bj?? I can't not use a condom now.

If he's making false promises, to be monogamous to you, then that's obviously not right. But, are you sure he has seen another woman? And was it actually to have sex? If it was an old friend, or old sexual partner, and he hooked up with them again, he might not think of that as being the same as 'dating someone else/new'. Speak to him!

yes the site I found the verification on is a swinging site and I was monogamous to him apart from my primary partner, I know they had sex and they will again.

I feel sad but I will meet alone with him tonight and try to tell him how I feel and work out if I want to keep seeing him.

[sparklepop]

hi sorry I wasn't clear, when I first started seeing A it was through a swinging site, I have been seeing him for four months and we started caring for each other, I love him but he doesn't know, he only knows that I care for him.

If he doesn't know that you love him, he cannot act on that information. Prepare him with all the facts so that he can make the right choice on how to act.

yes he did and I found out because you can post verifications and she did one for him and that was how I found out, he didn't tell me.

So, you'll want to be checking this with him and make sure that this verification is a current one and hear his side of the story.

I haven't told him not to just see me but I have said I wish it was just us

So, you'll want to make your feelings clear and precise - if you want it to be just the two of you, tell him honestly and hear what he wants.

I feel like I am not enough for him.

You may not be. Poly people are generally poly because they aren't finding what they need as a side effect of having one partner; they need or want more, something else, something different.

we were suppose to fluid bond, having sex without a condom is a very special thing to me and important, she says on her profile that she doesn't have sex without them but what about bj?? I can't not use a condom now.

Tell him that you take this seriously. Fluid bonding is special and is risky. You will want him tested and you will want to see the results, if you continue in your relationship.

I do hope he tells you the truth tonight!

[jones]

So, you'll want to be checking this with him and make sure that this verification is a current one and hear his side of the story.

i know its a new one but I have to ask he why he didn't tell me.

You may not be. Poly people are generally poly because they aren't finding what they need as a side effect of having one partner; they need or want more, something else, something different.

well this does make me sad of course, I feel like he is bored. we have great sex but what more can I offer?

Tell him that you take this seriously. Fluid bonding is special and is risky. You will want him tested and you will want to see the results, if you continue in your relationship.

I do hope he tells you the truth tonight!

thanks I hope he does too! but I am worried, I don't want to lose him but I can't stop thinking about them kissing, having sex. I felt like this when G slept with J, i couldn't kiss him thinking about him with her. I feel heartbroken

[sparklepop]

I know it's hard. I used to really, really struggle at the beginning of my poly relationship too. I used to question whether or not I could handle it... but, with trial and error, some soul searching, and a lot of communicating and work... I finally feel that I'm on the right track. Time, experience and knowledge will help you figure out if being poly is something you want/need, or if it just does not fit right with you.

Have a read through this amazing article that Gala Girl first posted - it really helped me to put jealousy and insecurity in its place:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

[jones]

hi thanks for replying and talking with me, I saw A, he said he doubts he would see her again and he said sorry, he said he would rather see me and we are seeing each other again soon, I don't want to lose him but we need to work on certain parts of our relationship. but I am feeling scared to say the love word x

[Dirtclustit]

Which is why I am hesitant to reply, but maybe it will help another reader looking for ideas regarding similar situations. But just to stress the importance of talking to him if it happens again, especially before you get upset enough to cancel a date. I should also throw in a disclaimer before mentioning what I am going to say next, and that is that I take sexual health and safety too seriously for some people's comfort. I was immediately seeing fluid bonding agreements as not a good idea from the few details you shared with the forum.

Mostly because if you have to ask a person about their sexual interactions, that's not knowing them well enough to risk having unprotected sex with them. But again, I would be considered paranoid to some people however I personally would never consider unprotected agreements with a person I didn't know very well. As in I would know them well enough to be able to discern what was going on (and they would know to say something to me before I began questioning)

another scenario could be that this person isn't practiced with good communication. Sometimes people don't have the courage they appear to have and so rather than being direct they will intentionally make it look as if they engaged in sex acts when they did not. Some people view it as a good way to "test" their partners but I see it as nothing more than playing games. Non-monogamy will present more than enough "tests" without the added stress of doing it just for the sake of going through the motions. I have a hard time trusting people that create "extra" hurdles to clear in an already difficult race.

But to reiterate, many people do not share my views when it comes to distinguishing between total freedom of expressing love and sexual desires, and the same total freedom when your behavior affects others you care about and/or the people you consider "friends"

While it is a completely different story if the only people you have sex with are people you don't really know, when your sexual partners include those that you are close with it demands a high level of responsibility. That responsibility is necessary, so that all controllable risk is eliminated. From my point of view, it's having friends that share my values of what it means to fulfill that level of responsibility that makes it possible to enjoy the greatest pleasures and joy that intimate friendships can offer. Both the superficial pleasure of the mere acts of sex AND the trust and love that can result from intimate relationships have so much more potential euphoria than most people have ever experienced that some people describe it as losing their real virginity because what they previously experienced compared to now can only be put into meaningful words by saying they are different people all together.

I am not attempting to be blasphemous, but nothing else feels so much as like being literally "born again" because the difference is too drastic to call the previous experiences anything more than masturbation .

The power that truth, trust, and deep levels of intimacy hold are much greater than most people realize. But it could also just be that I have a seriously delusional view of Love and Sex

[jones]

Originally Posted by Dirtclustit

Which is why I am hesitant to reply, but maybe it will help another reader looking for ideas regarding similar situations. But just to stress the importance of talking to him if it happens again, especially before you get upset enough to cancel a date. I should also throw in a disclaimer before mentioning what I am going to say next, and that is that I take sexual health and safety too seriously for some people's comfort. I was immediately seeing fluid bonding agreements as not a good idea from the few details you shared with the forum.

Mostly because if you have to ask a person about their sexual interactions, that's not knowing them well enough to risk having unprotected sex with them. But again, I would be considered paranoid to some people however I personally would never consider unprotected agreements with a person I didn't know very well. As in I would know them well enough to be able to discern what was going on (and they would know to say something to me before I began questioning)

another scenario could be that this person isn't practiced with good communication. Sometimes people don't have the courage they appear to have and so rather than being direct they will intentionally make it look as if they engaged in sex acts when they did not. Some people view it as a good way to "test" their partners but I see it as nothing more than playing games. Non-monogamy will present more than enough "tests" without the added stress of doing it just for the sake of going through the motions. I have a hard time trusting people that create "extra" hurdles to clear in an already difficult race.

But to reiterate, many people do not share my views when it comes to distinguishing between total freedom of expressing love and sexual desires, and the same total freedom when your behavior affects others you care about and/or the people you consider "friends"

While it is a completely different story if the only people you have sex with are people you don't really know, when your sexual partners include those that you are close with it demands a high level of responsibility. That responsibility is necessary, so that all controllable risk is eliminated. From my point of view, it's having friends that share my values of what it means to fulfill that level of responsibility that makes it possible to enjoy the greatest pleasures and joy that intimate friendships can offer. Both the superficial pleasure of the mere acts of sex AND the trust and love that can result from intimate relationships have so much more potential euphoria than most people have ever experienced that some people describe it as losing their real virginity because what they previously experienced compared to now can only be put into meaningful words by saying they are different people all together.

I am not attempting to be blasphemous, but nothing else feels so much as like being literally "born again" because the difference is too drastic to call the previous experiences anything more than masturbation .

The power that truth, trust, and deep levels of intimacy hold are much greater than most people realize. But it could also just be that I have a seriously delusional view of Love and Sex

thanks for replying,there is a lot for me to think about, a few questions for him to answer still. x