Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-16-2012, 12:42 AM
deadstars deadstars is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 8
Default opened up, hurt someone...

I am 27, and I am in a relationship with a boy similar age as mine.
We have been together for nearly 4 years now, we talked since the beggining about the very fact that even starting up monogamous, at some point we would hook up with someone, and that this would be ok, eventhough we have never had it in a relation before and knowing that it would be hard since it is a new thing for both of us.

We both avoided in some occasions to hook up with other people because we thought it may hurt our partner based on the moment we were at in our relationship.
In his case he avoided it because he thought we weren't in a right moment because of a period with arguments, in my case, because I thought it wasn't the moment too, and more recently because he is being ill for 2 years and a half.
The illness has not exterior symptoms, though makes him tired a lot of the time and the thought of going out partying makes him more nostalgic about how he was feeling before than actually having fun.

So we talked about me hooking up with other people since he has been ill, about me feeling strange with the idea, because I didn't want him to feel like the illness is the reason for me to look for other sexual partners.
He explained that he is not expecting me to not do this because he is ill and that it would be as ok as if he wasn't ill.

So, 2 years and a half with the illness and we are working and hoping for recovery, during this time, same way as when he wasn't ill, I've missed some invitations and flirtations but 2 weeks ago I finally went along with this one and actually had very nice sex with this boy about my age, I've explained both him and my partner what happened and all of them were happy enough with it.

I spend the next weekend after the hooking up with my partner together in the countryside,
coming back to the city, on the next weekend, I went out and I hooked up again with this boy with whom I hooked up two weeks before.
Is when I explained it to my boyfriend that drama occured.

He now is really upset at me, because I haven't left much space inbetween one first hook up and the other, he says I literally have hooked up with this person every time I've gone out at night since the first time. And now it just feels like boom, there is a sudden lifestyle change.
He also has a lot of feelings about the fact that he doesn't go out like me so he is not part of this possibilities himself and the fact that this makes him realise he is not part of the same nightlife I participate and lots of his friends participate with.
I feel very sad because I knew I should have left more time inbetween a first and a second time but I didn't do it and I just followed my impulses
and because my boyfriend thinks is just me that is having fun. And I'd like it if he had fun too, also because I selfishly predict that it would make things less stressful.

I want to see again the boy I hooked up with, I really liked the lusty sex we shared and at some point I would like to repeat it, but now my boyfriend is so hurt that I feel I am in no position or in a very bad moment to talk about any of this.

Apparently it really hurt him the way I oppened up about this second time, I read the ethical slut recently but that obviously didn't give me enough skills to explain sensitively about this second time...
I did it late, 4 days later than it happened, because I thought the previous days were too stressful to communicate this, but that is not what bothered him,
is the fact that somehow I haven't been sensitive enough.

I am scared of how much I hurt my boyfriend, I realise what I did could have done better and now I don't know how to talk with him about this again.
Because I thougt I was being sensitive, but it didn't work at all...
I realise aswell that the issue of him begin ill eventhough what previously has been said is sth that accounts as a high stress factor in this situation, and I don't know how to go with it without feeling terrible.

HELP!

Last edited by deadstars; 11-16-2012 at 01:16 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-16-2012, 01:42 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,021
Default

Well, you both learned something here. Whether this is swing or polyamory...

Apologize for the ding. Ask for his forgiveness since it was not intentional, and ask if you can make amends. (To self, listen to gut to slow things down more next time. Your gut was trying to tell you something important.)

Let him know you are sorry he hurts, and you feel bad for that. But since there was no map to follow...well... there was a ding. It def was not intentional, you are a newbie too. Let's move it forward and discuss then so next time it be less of a ding to him. How would he like the "reconnect and digest" time to be like? What does he need in the recconect and digest that you can provide? How about you? What do you need from him? Where is the happy medium? Negotiate and make a new plan to take this into account.

1) Some "reconnect and digest" time is still going to be needed with established BF in between your dates with the new partner.

2) Some clarification if this new partner is going to be a sex playmate, a friend, a romantic partner, or some mix and match thing as it unfolds. (Sort out your model and vocab so you are on the same page. )

I am not clear if this is about casual sex on the side. If so, that seems more like swinging. In this article on open relationship models -- that's a 1a perhaps? Is that what this is and what you are after? Are you and BF clear on what your open model is after? Make sure you both are envisioning the same thing.

3) How you and BF plan to digest #2 if NOT envisioning the same thing. May take a dating time out to get sorted first.

4) How new man will digest all this and sharing your time/attention with BF. (You are now the shared sweetie, so you deal with that with him separate from BF once you are sorted? What are the new guy's wants, needs, and limits here? What does he think you have with him?)

5) What sort of rship does BF want to have with his new metamour person if any? Just polite distant people -- if other guy calls and BF answers he is just basic polite and passes the phone to you to deal with? Does he want to be friends? What does the other guy want in this department?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-16-2012 at 04:09 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-16-2012, 02:09 AM
deadstars deadstars is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 8
Default

thank you a lot galagirl, it is going to be a good guide on how to sort out the situation...
At the moment I'm gonna go and think about all this. Digesting sounds pretty much like the point we are at now...
Thank you again.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-16-2012, 03:44 AM
DJandBri's Avatar
DJandBri DJandBri is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Eugene OR
Posts: 14
Default sorry we cant help

But we do thank you this is good knoweledge. The only advise we could give would be end it with both of them and see where your feelings wonder....
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-16-2012, 06:34 AM
pinkhop pinkhop is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7
Default

Here's the things that come to mind for me.

I would spend some time figuring out what specific parts of the experience didn't work. Like 2 weeks was too close together for him. Does he think once a month is more reasonable? does that work for you? or is it less about the actual time and about something else? Taking some time to really dissect can help get clarity for the future. It doesn't you'll never have an issues again.

I think there's an aspect of opening up that you really have to be in good shape with your partner and assume they have good intentions, and them about you.

In terms of the illness, it sounds like he might still be working through coming to terms with the changes it has caused in his life. That's something he needs to do work on for himself. This is especially true if it's a chronic condition.

Following that, it sounds like he might feel left out and like a part of the connection between the two of you is missing because of the changes to his health/life. Have you guys found a new way spent fun/exciting time together that he can do and is special for you? Having and activity or ritual or regular date night can really help with the reconnecting part that Galagirl talked about.

I assumed a lot from what you said, so if anything seems wrong my apologies and feel free to ignore.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-16-2012, 11:13 AM
deadstars deadstars is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 8
Default

hey pinkhop, well at the moment I am not going to touch the negotiation part, because he seems to be still digesting all of it, and is still really painful. I can wait for this part until he has recovered from the bad emotions caused by the news. But thank you for the suggestion on times.

You are right about the finding a special moment, days after the first hook up we had some nice time together me and my boyfriend when I invited him to see one of his favourite bands that was playing not so late at night, and now I invited him again to something nice on the weekend.

Hopefully the illness is not going to be chronic, but we don't know when it is gonna end yet.

So I am at the very point of digesting and reconecting for what I can see through your answers, and it's nice for me to know that and to have more ideas on how to act on this phase.

and to djandbri, thanks but I kindly discard your proposal, it only would cause more drama and I don't see it necessary at least from my part, but thanks for the good intentions.

Thank you all
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-16-2012, 08:27 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 431
Default If you honestly talked about it beforehand

There really isn't any reason you should feel responsible for hurting him. Because if there was open and honest communication, you both agreed what was acceptable behavior, and you stayed within those bounds then it was he who hurt himself.

It's not fair play to tell your spouse or lover that it's OK to do something and then after the fact decide it is not. It's unfair because for a caring partner it is hard to let go of guilt that may be directly related to your behavior when the problem is your partner either cannot communicate well or doesn't honestly know himself, but then again there is a tendency for some people to try and take the easy route and ignore, deny and pretend that obstacles in your relationship aren't really there.

And it usually makes things worse

That hurt that gets ignored will end up being spilled into something else and you'll probably notice his reactions to something else will seem way out of proportion because that hurt doesn't go away just because he doesn't want to address the issue. Although please remember when you get advice at forums like these, the advice is based upon many assumptions. I am assuming that you and your partner feel comfortable talking openly and honestly and that neither of you feel inhibited or that there are some things you can't say to each other. While saying things to hurt should be avoided, when it comes to speaking truthfully about your feelings you should be familiar enough with each other that you both can handle anything said when it is said from the heart with honesty.

That is not always easy to do. But every emotion you feel you should be able to discuss it, but be advised that each of you have to be able to honestly recognize those feelings for what they are because most of US find at least a feeling or two that isn't exactly a pleasure to deal with so we take the easy route and pretend the feeling stems from something it is not. Instead of dealing with our thoughts of jealousy we find something else to be upset about (for instance the thought, "I am not jealous, I am mad because it's only been two weeks in between")

I am not saying it's right or wrong to establish whatever rules work for you, because the only people who should have any say in those things is you and the people involved. Just know that a good warning sign is when you find yourself not being able to talk about something you genuinely feel because it will hurt your partner. Because if you are not just being mean, you shouldn't have to worry about honest emotions hurting him. If you truly desire a close intimate relationships with your boyfriend, he needs to be able to handle the way you honestly feel.

This is just in general, there are people who have successful relationships with more than one lover because they agree let each other do whatever they want just don't tell me about it. My mind doesn't work that way, but what doesn't work for me, others may find employing don't ask don't tell is the system that works for them. Don't be afraid of finding a very creative way (that is consented to anyway) that works for you and those immediately involved. The whole world could make any claim the want to and it doesn't matter, it only matters to you and your boyfriend and any other person you choose to let in, it doesn't have to be right for anybody else, although society would like you to not believe that, it doesn't make it not true.

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 11-16-2012 at 08:44 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-17-2012, 09:46 PM
deadstars deadstars is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 8
Default

well, so thank you all, I thought I'd offer an update since this is a nice ending of the situation and it's allways nice to see how we people can go through the difficulties.
Specially this forum is like the life learnings you don't find so easily anywhere else.

Basically after two days to let things cool down he came to me with the intention to talk about everything, he came with a written down list of points he wanted to discuss.

I sat down and started to write my anwers to each 8 of them in a paper, just so I was as prepared to discuss anything further with him.

He thought it wasn't necessary I'd prepare myself like him, since it was his part the hurt one, to which I totall disagreed and so he respected my point and let me carry on.

So then we sat down in the bed and I started explaining my answer to each of his points (3 lines long points).

After my answer to each point we agreed on him giving me an answer to what I've said.

We had moments in which we were angry and furious, cried, etc.
But by the end of it we were both so happy... it was amazing.

First to clarify the original big point of my first post, of when he said I hurt his feelings by the way of communicating and I felt terrible about it,
well in the end that was half a misundestarding half me not being a very good communicator then another part his own input.
He thought that when I was explaining how things felt for me on the second time I hooked up, he thought I meant I was saying "hey things are going to be like that from now on, accept it".
When to me I was just explaining to him why it was important for me to have done it, but it came across a different way.
I think back then to the time of my original post there was a lot of not very good communication and a lot of sensitive feelings.

then on real agreements and so on that happened on this second time we talked...
we agreed on me giving him some time out for the moment in which I am not giving him the new that I hooked up with somebody while he is still processing info, he doesn't think he needs so much time, but I think for what he said is something like a couple of weeks.

I've asked what's the frequency he feels is too much and so on, he says he feels weird about that question, that this is sth he can't answer coz what would be the sense in saying 3 weeks for example and me just waiting for this 3 weeks to pass.
So he gives me enough trust in this sense and just expects me to not make him feel abandonded or like there is a sudden change in how things feel in our relationship.

Talking about frequency we've talked about that because we live in the same city, and temporaly he lives in my house, and since I am going to limit my frequency in order to don't change how things are in our relationship, then that doesn't apply if he goes abroad for a month and he meets someone else he can see everyday during that month;
we agreed it's gonna make no sense I limit him already now on hooking up on a similar frequence to mine if contexts are different. I will have to trust him on that one and that's it.

Then I've made a big compromise on one point,
since he doesn't go out since this two years and a half, and doesn't meet much people outside his circle, which ends up being my circle too,
I will erase the limit on no hook up with friends, more precisely his friends and close people who are friends with me from hanging out together with my boyfriend.

This limit was set coz we were afraid that we were afraid of what could happen if there was already a friendship bond and then the hooking up with somebody. We perceived it as threatening greatly our relationship than if it was just somebody we met recently, aswell with both knowing the person looked more scary.

But now, at least from my part I'm up to try to go through this fear so he can have the same experience.
I mean, he would too go through this fear, but my circles of people are full of people he doesn't know, so I don't think I would choose to hook up with people in his circles.
Then to all that there is a lot of trust implied on the question of how close and familiar this friends will be.

I explained I am not having oral sex with this person without barriers because of HPV fear, and that we could investigate more about it together, since this isn't a precaution he ever has seen necessary. But he will apply in equanimity.

Can anybody recommend some good websites on HPV prevention and others?

Then he has asked me to tell him if my feelings change towards the person I hooked up with, and I think he means if I fall in love or if I want to pursue a different relation with this person.
Because I don't think is worth the time explaining how my feelings evolve everytime I see this person if it's not that different from a greater closeness, friendship and complicity with this person, if it keeps concurring, from how I see things now.

I'm probably missing out other interesting agreements, but that's it for the moment.

I thought it could be as useful to contrast different solutions as it has been to me reading other people's posts.

To finish, well I am very proud of the ammount of acceptance and understanding he has put through, it has brought me closer to him.

I just hope it brings him closer aswell when he can do the same I did.
At the moment he says that he can't help feeling a bit distant from me, but he hopes it goes in two days, for the general we are very happy together again. And I try to make sure he understands how much I appreciate and how worth it is what he has done to go through this.
It has somehow leveled up for me how I feel towards him, as deffinetly a life partner in this sense.

Can't help feeling very happy about it all.

Last edited by deadstars; 11-17-2012 at 11:05 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-17-2012, 11:21 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,021
Default

Here's the sheet from CDC

http://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/stdfact-hpv.htm

His comfort level is at a different place than yours -- but good that you both agree to go with the "strictest level" so BOTH can feel safe then.

I am glad you guys found a method of conflict resolution that works for both of you so you can navigate it out to the end and arrive at satisfactory conclusion.

It doesn't have to mean all out war. "Conflict" is opportunity for growth and reaching better understanding of one another.

This time you came to compromise. Sometimes the outcome might be "on this one we just have to agree to disagree." But you both now know YOUR PROCESS METHOD and that it can WORK. So that makes the next hooha less scary to deal with because hey! We did it before! We have a process method! We can use the process to help us get through it again!

And in going through this process together you Shared Vulnerable, Shared an Experience, and created emotional and mental intimacy with each other in the mind bucket and in the heart bucket.

Yay! Result? Souls get to shine some in the soul bucket. ("Intimacy with partner" isn't always via sex in the Body bucket. ) I am happy for you that you are feeling happy about it all.

So shine on!

Namaste.
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-17-2012 at 11:25 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 11-18-2012, 04:36 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 431
Default Good to Hear when things begin to improve

Because not everybody finds the right "flavor" or the right people that are compatible for relationships in anything other than traditional ways.

As far as unprotected oral sex, I would be more concerned about contracting herpes than I would HPV. But it's not the worrying that is the important part. Being sexually active with more than one person brings a heightened responsibility. It is crucial that full disclosure is always practiced which is why many people refrain from having sex with someone they do not know or do not trust. Because it only takes a little bit of dishonesty and suddenly you may be at risk or in the worst case at the mercy of the sexual habits of a person you do not know.

Its exactly why people take full disclosure so seriously. The last thing anyone needs is nervously awaiting the results of lab tests thrown into the mix (there is a night and day difference between awaiting tests that are part of your family's routine and awaiting the results because you found out you have been put at risk due to another person being irresponsible with your life in addition to their own) It's good to hear that you and your boyfriend take your health seriously. It's hard enough learning all the responsibilities that come hand in hand with a lifestyle that allows you so much Freedom in regards to Love. But Loving irresponsibly is a recipe disaster.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
opening up

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:02 AM.