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  #1  
Old 11-24-2012, 09:37 PM
barefootedenjane barefootedenjane is offline
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Default Too busy for transition to poly?

Hi all!

I'm an architecture student in Ontario. My boyfriend and I have had an open relationship for the past year and a half, and it's worked fine. Last year he went to school in Halifax, now he lives about an hour's drive away.

Recently our different lifestyles have come between us. My program is extremely competitive, and I stay up late working on assignments most nights, whereas he, though also a student, has a much more relaxed lifestyle and much more free time. In the beginning of our relationship we both dated other people, but as my schoolwork becomes more demanding I no longer have time to pursue other relationships. So, although we have an open relationship is spirit, in practice I am monogamous and he is not.

Also, since I am relatively new to poly and still working on overcoming jealousy, I find this relationship distracting. Every time he tells me about a new partner, I am thinking about the two of them together when I should be thinking about my assignments. I love me school and my relationship, but I'm beginning to think that time constraints will not allow me to have both.

If anyone has been in this situation, some input would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!
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  #2  
Old 11-25-2012, 12:24 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Hi barefoot

This is a good question.

I am in a similar situation of sorts, so can relate. I am not at Uni (I'm 28), but I am finding myself too busy to be actively poly; whilst my GF (who lives in the US) is filling her time with other people. We run a business together and are very busy with that, I also work part time, have more friends to fit in and when we are long-distance, have an 8 hour time difference to my GF.

When I'm at home in the UK, her evenings are empty, as I am asleep, and she fills it with guys. My evenings, on the other hand, are spent talking to her, due to the time difference and the fact that she is awake. When she is asleep, it's my morning time and I'm often at work.

Blurgh!

I have a number of suggestions for you to think about.

) Is your BF fully involved with someone else, or could you guys consider giving poly a break for a while? Would that help, or be too difficult for him? Would it be for a long time, or a short time?

) I used to want things to be equal... to have an extra partner when my GF had an extra partner. In truth, I am not capable of keeping up. She can spin a million plates and I can't. So why bother? Instead... have you thought about embracing the pangs for self-growth purposes? All too often, we turn to other people when we are feeling a void, instead of looking inside ourselves to fill it.

) If you are happy for him to be dating at the moment, but simply want to deal with your pangs and handle your school work, could you take a look at how he communicates his poly activity with you? For example, a weekly poly talk where you discuss what's been going on. Or an agreement that he doesn't talk about poly things unless you ask.... that way, you can ask once your assignments are out of the way, or just before you're going out with friends, etc... basically... you can ask when you pick a good moment to deal with it, rather than having it forced into your head.

Have you looked at any underlying issues? Are you really feeling jealousy, or are you feeling resentment that he has the time to be poly? Or perhaps, feeling like he doesn't care, because you have to struggle and work whilst he is off galavanting with other people?

As for the actual jealousy, Gala Girl posted this brilliant article the other day that says everything I would have said, but better! http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf
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  #3  
Old 11-25-2012, 10:41 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
) If you are happy for him to be dating at the moment, but simply want to deal with your pangs and handle your school work, could you take a look at how he communicates his poly activity with you? For example, a weekly poly talk where you discuss what's been going on. Or an agreement that he doesn't talk about poly things unless you ask.... that way, you can ask once your assignments are out of the way, or just before you're going out with friends, etc... basically... you can ask when you pick a good moment to deal with it, rather than having it forced into your head.
I was also thinking along these lines. Does he see different people or same? I would not suggest DADT or anything like that, but maybe it could be enough for you to know what he does, in general, without the need to be always told about the specifics or not necessarily right away.

For example, if he tends to go out/hook up with the same girl every week, maybe it would be enough to know that he does, without being separately told "hi I hooked up with her again today".

Or, if he usually goes to bars every weekend and most often ends up sleeping with somebody, maybe again he doesn't need to message you each time as long as you know that is something he does.

I don't know how much these pertain to your situation. Also, you'll need to think about whether they would help or if they might cause different discomfort. If unsure, maybe give it a shot and see if it works better?

Good luck!

Edit, oh, and totally get the feeling of lack of time and how that can make you feel like you don't have enough to give to your relationship. I am currently full time student, plus work every night. I have two partners, one of whom I live with, and I do often feel like I just have too little time and energy for everything. But when feeling overwhelmed, I try to remember that the situation won't be as hectic forever (even though that's not how it feels). I have good reasons to be in these relationships, and my partners are awesome people who I very much want to have in my life. So, I live day to day and make the necessary adjustments to make it work. Yet, it does come down to whether you think your relationship worth it or not.
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Last edited by rory; 11-25-2012 at 10:49 AM.
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