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Old 07-27-2010, 02:58 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Default Need feedback about foreplay (or lack of it)

I'm trying to help a dear friend, so any feedback is greatly appreciated.

In the beginning of the monogamous relationship, there was great passion and endless hours of foreplay, but no intercourse. She wanted to wait until she felt an emotional connection with him and he was okay with that. Finally, (after several months) she felt she was ready and the intensity of the desire he felt for her was so overwhelming that she gladly gave into him and they had intercourse. She went on a two week trip without him which was planned in advance and when she returned they resumed their relationship. But……from that point on until now (almost a year later)…..there is no more foreplay or passion. He just gets on, has an orgasm and gets off. When they are not in bed he is very affectionate, tells her he loves her 4 or 5 times a day, says she is beautiful etc. He has practically moved in with her and uses the words "us" and "we" all the time. She has talked to him about it and after each talk, he makes an good and successful effort to engage her in passionate foreplay before intercourse once, but then resumes his regular pattern of off and on……So- what’s up with that?? Any ideas?? What could be going on with this dude???
Thanks in advance !!
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Last edited by idealist; 07-27-2010 at 03:19 AM.
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Old 07-27-2010, 03:22 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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What could be going on with this dude???
!
This is a quick response based on my own experience as the guy....loss of connection. Saying I love you 10 times a day won't compensate for the absence of real energy. He's doing something from a purely physical perspective in my opinion. He's making his body respond to stimulus, he's not communicating with her through his body.

He needs a spark.
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Old 07-27-2010, 03:40 AM
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Thanks Mono....That's what I told her.....something to stimulate the passion and get it going again.....but what type of spark?? It almost seems like his passion shut down as soon as he had intercourse.
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Old 07-27-2010, 03:57 AM
FireChild FireChild is offline
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Take it back in time and have her take the reins. Have her start the foreplay but end before the intercourse. Sometimes you need a refresher on why the salad course is wirth bothering with.
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Old 07-27-2010, 04:43 AM
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They need to connect first in my opinion. This isn't about sex. He needs a rebirth of loving her to spark his passion. Intercourse does not require passion..it requires a hard on. Honestly, I think they have to start communicating in other ways before they will truly communicate sexually. Sex can be both physical and spiritual. The physical aspect is soothed very easily..insert penis and with minimal energy, orgasm. The spiritual aspect is harder to acualize but brings with it immense passion. Insert energy and be rewarded with the pleasure of body and heart.

When I was disconnected from my ex wife, sex did not last long...I orgasmed very easily.Why...because I was engaging nothing but my physical being. When I am with Redpepper, I can last all night because it is about communicating through our bodies including a spiritual connect. I want that communication to last because I feel so connected and so my body naturally maintains a heightened but not premature sense of intensity. That also means I want to experience and share much more than just intercourse with her every time.

I think something bigger is missing from their relationship besides foreplay.
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 07-27-2010 at 06:41 AM.
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Old 07-27-2010, 06:50 AM
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I agree with Mono that perhaps the connection is gone and I agree with firechild that maybe she needs to take the reins but I also think there could be more going on.

Maybe he enjoyed the thrill of build up to having sex with her and now that he has it the thrill is gone. Perhaps this is just his way and he doesn't have an adventurous spirit at heart... ?
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Old 07-27-2010, 08:32 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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I think ya'll are over thinking it, lol.

He's lazy.

Tell her to hold off for a while - not "cutting him off" and using sex as a weapon, but straight tell him that unless she feels he wants her enough to put in some effort, not gonna happen.

This isn't unusual at all. Kinda been there myself to be honest, though not as bad as this story is painted to be. if she's willing to "put out" and tolerate his behavior in this area, some guys will take advantage of that.

:shrug:
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Old 07-27-2010, 04:19 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Thanks Mono....That's what I told her.....something to stimulate the passion and get it going again.....but what type of spark?? It almost seems like his passion shut down as soon as he had intercourse.
I will take this a little different direction for perspective.

As much as people, especially loving people, hate talking about the game or the hunt, some people truly enjoy that aspect. The game is the chasedown and in the end sex is the reward. Once the reward has been achieved, the sex simply becomes gravy..

It is possible he has won his reward and now believe he has her as his sex toy. If she were to hold out, or make him work for it a bit...it might change things. Sex can in fact become monotonous...and has absolutely nothing to do with the connection. If thats the place where his head is at...they may just need some spice or a little widthdrawl...or even better a power exchange. If she is continually on the submissive side of the coin, sex become almost annoying to initiate.

The connection may be part of it, to be sure...but sometimes its far more simple than that.

Last edited by Ariakas; 07-27-2010 at 04:21 PM.
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Old 07-27-2010, 09:13 PM
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Default spiritual confusion, attration and alcohol

Thank for all of the feeback.....let me ask you guys a few more things.

He is very actively pursuing a spiritual life and that is one of the things they have in common because she is also very spiritual......he has even has become a "monk" but not a celibate monk. Do you think it's possible that his pursuit of "God" may be causing him conflict with sex. In other words....could there be an inner idea that "God is not sexual" and that might be preventing him to get into passionate sex?

Also- she asked him if there is a possibility that he is not attracted to her and he said "sometimes I am, and sometimes I see you like a sister". What does that mean?

Another thing to mention is that in the beginning of the relationship, they would drink large quanities of alchol and he would be very uninhibited sexually. Now, he has decided not to drink alcohol and even when he does, he seems to be controlling it. Could it just be that he is sexually inhibited by nature and the large quantities of alcohol help him unleash that, but now that he's not drinking, she is seeing his true inhibited nature?
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Old 07-27-2010, 09:25 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by idealist View Post
He is very actively pursuing a spiritual life and that is one of the things they have in common because she is also very spiritual......he has even has become a "monk" but not a celibate monk. Do you think it's possible that his pursuit of "God" may be causing him conflict with sex. In other words....could there be an inner idea that "God is not sexual" and that might be preventing him to get into passionate sex?
Can't answer that one sorry. I am not only agnostic but I would fail even more miserably at religion if I believed god didn't want you to enjoy the pleasure of attempted reproduction.

Quote:
Also- she asked him if there is a possibility that he is not attracted to her and he said "sometimes I am, and sometimes I see you like a sister". What does that mean?
ummmmm...my immediate take on this is that he has conflicted feelings of brotherly love and intimate love. I have never, and hope to never feel like a brother to anyone I am being intimate with. In my world those are conflicting feelings and emotions.

If a girl told me that, that I was sleeping with or was attacted to, I would likely get very turned off. He may be feeling that internally.

Quote:
Another thing to mention is that in the beginning of the relationship, they would drink large quanities of alchol and he would be very uninhibited sexually. Now, he has decided not to drink alcohol and even when he does, he seems to be controlling it. Could it just be that he is sexually inhibited by nature and the large quantities of alcohol help him unleash that, but now that he's not drinking, she is seeing his true inhibited nature?
yes...yes is could. Alcohol does wonders for letting your inner wild child out. Being with someone who drinks a lot is a lot like jekyl/hyde affect. 1 person, 2 people...very fugged up.

My ex and I, when I was smoking lots of pot 12 years ago, called it pot love. You both join in and get high together and the drug rush "together" made it better and the relationship feel totally right. When in fact it is not love or even a good relationship.

From your brief description it sounds like she met jekyl, and ended up with hyde.

Last edited by Ariakas; 07-27-2010 at 09:36 PM.
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