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  #61  
Old 08-11-2010, 03:27 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by DazednConfused View Post
Great in theory sucks in practice. So last night she went to a concert with him, his wife, and some other peeps. I passed and stayed home fixing up my new accomodations.

She came home talked for a few and went to bed. Later she crawled in my bed and held me, we talked for a few, and she went back to the master. Nothing earthshaking, always welcome in our bed stuff...

It's all just so damn hard, this is killing my self esteem, I dont feel wanted or needed in the slightest. While she says it all the time, I just cant feel it. It's really not her, Im too much in my own head.
If I look at this from a "relationship" pov, I myself went through this. I broke up with my first "wife" and moved into the spare room. It was just brutal and took me some time to get over. A couple of things I did to stop my wallowing, and in order I might add

1 - no cuddling - relationship done. This just ends up hurting
2 - no sex - I failed at this but it worked in my favour, by pushing away the cuddling she came in for sex one night. Desperate. That last night of sex was the best thing for our relationship. I ended up realizing I could do better and kicked her out of bed and moved out the next day (she was a cheater btw so I was very bitter at that point)
3 - MOVING OUT...

Good luck. I would recommend you keep this separation fairly solid. Her coming into your room will only keep that wound open. You need space, you know that, obviously the spare room doesn't sound like its working.

Sorry to hear about your family health challenges. Sendiong some support your way. Familial loss is always tough.
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  #62  
Old 08-11-2010, 06:00 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I really think that removing yourself should not mean that she gets to come in and be with you when SHE is feeling guilty or in need. She has not repected your needs at all. I think its time to put your foot down and tell her its your room, your space. She doesn't get to be needy here. She hasn't earned that. You need that space to regroup, don't give her an option, its not her right to be in there right now.

This is making me so angry today. I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound like l'm barking our orders, its my opinion of course and today completely laced with my crap.

Keep at it grrl, what you should do will come together I think. All in good time, if you get your space.
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  #63  
Old 08-11-2010, 06:50 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Not barky at all, I always appreciate the input. Tonight we're going to the fair together, phone free..hopefully that will help. Tomorrow concert with all the usual suspects..then they are going out after. She tells me they are going out after, I got a bit cranky, the thought of 'handing her off' after concert kinda got under my skin. Then she invites me...grrr...either invite me in first place or don't...I sure as heck dont wanna feel like pity third wheel. No matter what comes out of this, we're certainly going to have improved communication skills.
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  #64  
Old 08-11-2010, 08:01 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Default Wow...does it matter if it's love or lust?

So, she just told me she's in love with him, and he her. That they declared their love Sunday. I don't know how to feel or react. It would be so much easier if the 3 of us could ever spend any darn time together and hash this out. I don't even know if it makes a difference, I know I love her truly, madly, and deeply. I'm scared on so many levels. I don't know if this impacts it or not, Im just kind of in shock. I was (am?) trying to accept polyamory, but neither of them are giving me the opportunity to. Now this revelation, I just don't know. I'm still not sure if I can deal with it on a relationship level, let alone a love level. In some ways I suppose it could be better, in others it just turns this whole mess into a nightmare of epic porportions.
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  #65  
Old 08-11-2010, 10:55 PM
anotherbo anotherbo is offline
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Default In your head?

Quote:
It's all just so damn hard, this is killing my self esteem, I dont feel wanted or needed in the slightest. While she says it all the time, I just cant feel it. It's really not her, Im too much in my own head.
You're too much in your own head?

Maybe the reason you don't feel it is, her actions aren't supporting it.

Words are easy, actions show sincerity.

Anyhow, /hugs and keep hanging in there.


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  #66  
Old 08-12-2010, 02:09 AM
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RickPlus RickPlus is offline
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Hi DazednConfused.
I am enough of a romantic to think that it is better if there is real love rather than just lust (not that there is anything wrong with just lust). My definition of love is Robert A. Heinlein's: "Love is the state where your own happiness is dependent on your loved one's happiness."

However, for someone that claims to love you, your wife has shown a very low regard for your happiness. Also she might use this as an excuse to trot out that cruel and untrue canard, "all's fair in love and war". e.g. this may be an excuse for her to be even more insensitive about how she is treating you. Also, this is likely a declaration that they are not going to be responsible about the boy friend's infidelity. I am not surprised you are of two minds about their bombshell.

Along with your Mom having cancer I agree with the other posters (from the other thread) that you need a time out and more emotional space.

Hang on. There are tonnes of people here on this site that honor and respect your ethics and admire how you have tried to keep to the high moral road despite how things have gone. It is not your fault and you have every right to feel hurt about her ignoring how you feel. This is completely apart from their sleazy behavior.

Not sure what else to say. Be strong. Very warm regards, Rick.
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  #67  
Old 08-12-2010, 04:24 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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okay, I feel that I know you a bit now and feel I can kinda give you a bit of a wake up call..... hello?!!!!

THEY ARE NOT POLY, THEY ARE CHEATING..... ITS ALL BULLSHIT AND IF THEY KEEP TELLING EVERYONE THEY ARE POLY MORE I WILL PERSONALLY COME OVER THERE AND GIVE THEM A BLAST OF SHIT MYSELF....

they make those of us who actually make an effort look like the assholes they have been to you.



Please tell them from me that poly is about respecting, compassionate communication with everyone involved and most of all loving all of our partners enough to consider their feelings and needs....

Here is the thread that says all the lessons learned about poly...

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2858

I suggest she reads it and you and gets on the band wagon or starts calling herself a cheater.

no disrespect, just saying it like it is for me and saying my two cents on what I know of your situation.
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  #68  
Old 08-12-2010, 07:04 AM
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assets assets is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
okay, I feel that I know you a bit now and feel I can kinda give you a bit of a wake up call..... hello?!!!!

THEY ARE NOT POLY, THEY ARE CHEATING..... ITS ALL BULLSHIT AND IF THEY KEEP TELLING EVERYONE THEY ARE POLY MORE I WILL PERSONALLY COME OVER THERE AND GIVE THEM A BLAST OF SHIT MYSELF....

they make those of us who actually make an effort look like the assholes they have been to you.



Please tell them from me that poly is about respecting, compassionate communication with everyone involved and most of all loving all of our partners enough to consider their feelings and needs....

Here is the thread that says all the lessons learned about poly...

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2858

I suggest she reads it and you and gets on the band wagon or starts calling herself a cheater.

no disrespect, just saying it like it is for me and saying my two cents on what I know of your situation.
hear hear RP!

Last edited by assets; 08-14-2010 at 07:49 PM.
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  #69  
Old 08-12-2010, 03:26 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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I think I goofed by creating a new thread, mods should/could we merge?

I don't know why, but her confession gave me some clarity. I dont know if it means I care more, or Im just growing colder. Or...?

I am certainly spending way too much time in my head. Yesterday, I lost control, she invited me to the master bed, I ..well you know...and went back to the spare room. She was very upset by this, and we've discussed it. We're kind of on a to be determined on the physical realm. Said she felt cheap and used, and I can see why.

We had a long talk yesterday, I asked her, out of curiousity, if she would be ok if I went out and found a f*&k. I've never been the relationshipy type and this is more my style, I think than Poly ever would. She really couldn't give me an answer, said she needed to think about it, that she realized it seems unfair, but shes poly, and I just want to go fuck someone, theres a big difference, I don't disagree. I just found the whole conversation very entertaining. I did tell her, if I was in a position to do something like that, I would touch base with her for her approval, no surprises. We talked about the potential for her and him to pick up a third playmate on occassion, I told her fine as long as it wasn't a woman, she advised me he said the same about her and I and a man. She's very frustrated by this, which, sorry, I find hysterical.
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  #70  
Old 08-12-2010, 03:34 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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It sounds as if she is just beginning a journey; one that has the desire for complete free reign to do whatever she wants with whomever she wants. It also sounds like she is discovering that finding partners quite that accomodating is often very hard. I do find it hilarious that the guy she is having an afair with would limit who she can play with considering he's fucking around on his partner. He's got quite the moral code on the go there.
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