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  #41  
Old 08-04-2010, 05:39 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Redpepper and I are sitting here and we were discussing your last question about compersion. She thought you were asking if monos can have compersion which we both agree is completely possible; me being a case in point. Can a mono survive in a poly situation without compersion and maintain any semblance of health? Extremely unlikely. I don't think this would be possible unless the mono turns off parts of their hearts and minds to avoid a spiral into despair. We all have to be strong and independant enough to take care of ourselves. Look inward....are you sacrificing yourself for the happiness of another or sharing in that experience?
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  #42  
Old 08-04-2010, 05:47 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Bah, I think its actually healthier for you to just tune out and go inward rather than try to have compersion. Protect yourself first. Leave them to their own devises.
It's interesting you say that, about tuning out. I kind of feel that's what I have been doing, and it's allowing me greater acceptance, or giving me peace with it all, which, oddly, is allowing me to feel closer to my wife. Our communication has certainly improved (as has our sex life).

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Have you confronted him at all on this? I would of blown up by now and would of told him either he tells his wife or you do.
I haven't confronted him yet. I'm sure the day will come when I do. I try to think before I act. His interworkings of his marriage are still pretty unknown to me. It's obvious that he and his wife love each other, I just don't see the "In Love" when I look at them. Of course that's the outside looking in. I have spent a few evenings with them both, and I really do like her. Thing is, Im a product of a very ugly divorce, and I believe if he and his wife are going to ever get their shit together, it needs to be of their own accord.

I know it's like being on a train without a complete set of tracks. I know this will end poorly for them, I just need to protect myself, and do my best to be there for her when it goes amuck.

It almost seems like she's kind of just finding herself. We've had discussions about 3somes; swinging, she's just really out to explore and find herself. I've been around the block a few more (quite a few more) times than she. She's lived a pretty vanilla life, and I don't know what's caused the sudden need to explore for her, but Im no shrink either.

If I blow, it'll just be a mess, if I keep my cool, take care of myself and protect her, it will in turn help all involved, I think. It's not like I ever thought she was a pure as the driven snow, hell our first night together was a 3way. My concerns aren't in the immediate, as long as I can stay calm, I can do that, it's the long term that worries me. It's the 5+ years down the road that scare me to no end.
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  #43  
Old 08-04-2010, 05:58 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Pardon double post - missed Mono's response

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I don't think this would be possible unless the mono turns off parts of their hearts and minds to avoid a spiral into despair. We all have to be strong and independant enough to take care of ourselves. Look inward....are you sacrificing yourself for the happiness of another or sharing in that experience
Thats exactly what I was searching for!! Thank you both for articulating it. Yes, parts of my heart and mind are clicking off like gears, but it seems like the more they do, the closer compersion I feel - which makes no sense!!

Am I sacrificing my happiness for my wife? Absolutely. I have no issue with temporairily doing that. The question I face is will she return it to me once she figures out exactly what she wants. Can we find some way, some day, to meet in the middle. I am certain, this little romance of hers, is destined for a short life-span. I just don't know what we will look like, who we will be when it's ended.

This all would be so much easier if I had had some warning, if it wasn't someone I had a previous friendship with, if he wasn't already in my social circle, and if he wasn't married. Should she find someone else who is Poly down the line, and discuss it with me first, I think I MIGHT be able to deal better. But this is just such a trainwreck.
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  #44  
Old 08-04-2010, 07:55 PM
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Compersion increases the depth between partners. You aren't reaching compersion, you are simply shutting down as a way to deal with the tortuous emotions you have been feeling. That isn't good if you hope to continue business as usual after AC, it means eventually you will become complacent and eventually you will see them from outside of yourself as friends that once were a part of your life. Your wife as one does an ex lover; curious about them, smiley at the good times, loving them for the journey you went on yet not feeling that connection any more, because something in your heart died.

No, in my opinion you are on your way out.

If this affair does end before that something completely dies, I hope that she reads all this or at least you tell her all this, because she created this. You sound like a woman that loves with a huge force behind you. I admire that and appreciate it. I think you deserve more for your efforts and would love to know when you actually get the love, respect and appreciation you deserve.

I highly doubt things will ever be the same AC, I would love you to prove me wrong, but she has changed now. I suspect you have more than you think. At the very least you perhaps could start a new journey with deeper understanding of each other and use the lessons learned. I will hold out for that, although I'm not holding much hope at this point with your latest thoughts. You could just let it go and feel this way, or fight those feelings and make one last ditch attempt at creating a change in this situation.
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  #45  
Old 08-04-2010, 10:27 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Crap crap crap

you make some very valid points Red. Thanks as always for the clear perspective. I sincerely hope your wrong, but, doubt it.

Did I say CRAP! Yet ?
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  #46  
Old 08-04-2010, 11:31 PM
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Well I hope it turns out differently
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  #47  
Old 08-05-2010, 07:28 AM
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DnC......I just...*hugs*
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  #48  
Old 08-05-2010, 02:34 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Unhappy

Thanks again, all of you for your support; this is just making me batty.

One minute I'm fine, then something snaps a bit and I'm just heartbroken. UGH!!! It's so good to know that those of you with experience under your belts in this type of relationship handle things so much better than she has. I'd like to believe this ccommunity is truly about genuine love, and that as you gain wisdom and experience, you can be more loving in your actions.

Well, as we approach the weekend, there's going to be all kinds of interaction, I think 3 of the next 4 days. Cripes, this mess is just going to destroy whats left of my liver.
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  #49  
Old 08-07-2010, 04:38 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Quick update, at bar marinating liver; they have apartment, fpund out my mom has lung cancer yesterday. Life's grand...
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  #50  
Old 08-07-2010, 09:33 PM
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Dazed,
Put down the f-ing drink, put on your big girl panties, and get out there. Fuck. Wake up to whats going on. You are being USED. Move on, or join in....One or the other.

Side note: Sorry to hear about your mother. That really does suck. Get out of the bottle, and place your focus on that for the time.


Remember the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"? Well, let her go....Then, ignore all her attempts to contact you for a couple days. If she makes no attempts, then ignore her for a while longer...Like a week or so. IF...she loves, you, she WILL be upset over this, and will wonder what she has done to piss you off. At that time, you let her know you are giving her what she has requested....Freedom to do as she pleases, and the downside is that you also get to do (whoever) whatever you please.

My wife L and I have done this to our couple we date. They have shown that they are interested in greener pastures in the past. So...We let them have what thye wanted....and left them alone....Less than a week went by before they were both texting asking if we were pissed at them. We explained that, yes...we were, and here was why. That kinda put an end to the issue, as they didn't realize that we were upset over it. We told them that they are free to go and do what ever/who ever they wish. However, if they wish to go out with us, or do things with us (on a sexual basis) then they need to le tus know that, and not forget about us when a "better offer" comes up. Anyway, enough about MY relationships.....Told you what I suggest. You know what you have to do....Why? Because you are THERE....But you can't make good decisions if you're drunk.
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