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  #31  
Old 07-31-2010, 01:17 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Wow, so, roller coaster! Yesterday was great, we talked, out for dinner, home for wine, movies, snuggles. Was almost like we were new again. We're in bed at end of night and she gets a text, I know its from him. I just say "no ahead". She says "no, its either good night or he wants me to meet him, im with my wife". She then tells me that she realized they are always worried about his wife and just because I know about them doesn't mean I should be treated like an asshole.

I feel for the first time, she might be able to walk the talk; we might have a chance.
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  #32  
Old 08-02-2010, 01:16 AM
FireChild FireChild is offline
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I'm so happy for you!!!!
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  #33  
Old 08-02-2010, 02:40 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Ya, feels like progress, I'm just not sure. We went to another Lawn Fete Saturday, he, his wife, and another friend. We were all drinking, and my wife was incesantly flirting with his wife(groping, dancing...) I believe it was all in good silly fun, didn't take it seriously at all. However, the little dark thoughts keep creeping into my head...is she going to want his wife too? Honestly I felt bad for him, the other friend has an obvious crush on him, he's there, she's there, my wife, me, and his wife...I wouldn't have spent the night in his shows for anything.

I'm really not sure if I'm growing more accepting, or..if I'm just not caring as much. I hate to overanalyize myself, but I really can't stop it. She's doing her first 5k run this Saturday, I really wanted to be there for her first effort to support her, but found out yeasterday he's running it with her.

It's also the anniversary of a loved one's death, and going to be a hard enough day. My project for the week is trying to find a shit hole corner bar close to home I can hide in for days like this.
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  #34  
Old 08-03-2010, 05:48 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Now she's flirting with his wife? Is this to please him? So he can fantasies about her with another woman? Or was this some vain attempt at making it right somehow? Is it so she can somehow get with her and then introduce the whole idea that she is with her husband also?

Where do you fit in with all this anyways? I see nothing for you in any of this. I would think it makes you look like a fool.
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  #35  
Old 08-03-2010, 06:13 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Does she talk to you before she does anything or does she count on you just being there? Protect your heart. I don't understand the uncaring actions of partners sometimes, poly or not...it just seems greedy, selfish and enabled by the love of their partners or perhaps their fear of being alone.

I see little in this for you as well. ...and seeing your partner happy only goes so far in my books. This is so one sided.

Be strong and true to yourself. Make sure you are being treated the way you deserve and want is all I am saying.
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  #36  
Old 08-03-2010, 01:39 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Quote:
Now she's flirting with his wife? Is this to please him? So he can fantasies about her with another woman? Or was this some vain attempt at making it right somehow? Is it so she can somehow get with her and then introduce the whole idea that she is with her husband also?
I'm really not sure, certainly all of the above crossed my mind. In part, I think she knew she couldn't flirt with him infront of the wife, and just layed her cover on a bit too quick. She's certainly mentioned to me the threesome fantasy involving he and I, and I've told her, if she attempts a relationship with another woman, I know I wouldn't be able to deal and I'd be gone, instantly, no further discussion.

Quote:
I see little in this for you as well. ...and seeing your partner happy only goes so far in my books. This is so one sided.
Is it really even possible for it to be two-sided? I certainly have my normal life the bulk of the time, when he is unavailable for her, and when I'm able to just be in the moment with her, and not think too heavily about her/him.
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  #37  
Old 08-03-2010, 02:41 PM
FireChild FireChild is offline
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I spoke too soon.
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  #38  
Old 08-03-2010, 04:28 PM
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Yes its possible for it to be two sided. Look at other peoples posts on how it feels to have a metamour that they think rocks. The compersion they feel when their love gets to spend time with them. Having someone to talk to when your partner is in a situation or there is issues. All a benefit.
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  #39  
Old 08-04-2010, 03:44 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Redpepper, I'm glad you brought up compersion. I don't know if I will ever find it. Last night we were all together at another concert (by the way this is exhausting!). I stepped away to have a smoke, and watched them interact from a distance. The pangs of anger/jealousy and all the other 'little uglies' weren't as bad, they were there, just much more managable, and she truly did look happy. I don't know if I can ever feel compersion for them. I love my wife, her BF is someone I find enjoyable to be around (as I said we were once friends) but I just don't know if I can get there. Has any mono/poly couple been able to survive if the mono can't get to compersion?
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  #40  
Old 08-04-2010, 05:29 PM
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Short answer? Yes, completely. The thing is dear AC, she is cheating. Why would one even bother to work on that? You will just of figured out how to have it, will have invested in this man and disaster will strike I think. You don't like him and you have very good reasons not to. His values are off kilter and don't match with yours. Neither do your wifes at this moment. There seems to be WAY too much to sort out before getting to compersion.

Its nice she is happy, but you forget its based on bullshit. Its based on the pain of others. That kind of falsehood will self distruct I reckon.

Bah, I think its actually healthier for you to just tune out and go inward rather than try to have compersion. Protect yourself first. Leave them to their own devises.

Have you confronted him at all on this? I would of blown up by now and would of told him either he tells his wife or you do.
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