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  #11  
Old 06-12-2009, 07:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Mark1npt View Post
Redpepper, you are one busy lady! How do you possibly find all the time to do all (and everyone) that you do? I can identify with your deep poly relationship with "your men" as I have "my girls". However you seem to have varying levels of relationships going on in your life at any given time. This is bound to confuse some of your other friends and aquaintances, who seeing you being poly with "your men" naturally assume you are being poly with them or they are being poly with you since you are obviously poly.

I can see where boundaries and definitions could become blurred. Maybe the communication that needs to take place in our triads, also needs to take place amongst your casual friends too so that they are not expecting something else from you during your get togethers with them?
thank you, I completely agree and have begun to talk about these things with them... you are right, I think there is some assumptions being made and I need to clarify... as do they
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  #12  
Old 06-12-2009, 07:18 AM
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Originally Posted by SeventhCrow View Post
That they don't share the same close ties that you have with your primary relationships is immaterial.

I beg to differ..it is not immaterial to me. I have a expectations of everyone in our lives because it is "our" lives. The term "friends with benefits" makes me ill.
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  #13  
Old 06-12-2009, 07:23 AM
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Originally Posted by JRiverMartin View Post
Redpepper,

Is a lover anyone with whom any of us have a sexual relationship, or is it anyone with whom we have a loving relationship? Very vague word, that. But it needn't be, because it has the word love in it rather prominently (however you spell that, i'm too lazy at the moment to look it up). You seem to call anyone you have a sexual relationship with a "lover". But maybe you ought not to, since they are not all in your very tight-knit "circle of love", as I call anyone with whom I have a loverly relationship.

For me, generally, my "lovers" are those with whom I'm also being physically or sexually intimate. But i have room for exceptions, I suppose. I have a friend I've never met in person(!), who lives far, far away, that I love profoundly, and with whom I'm intensely intimate (on-line). He loves me, too, similarly, I think--I almost know. I have other friends not too far different in levels of intimacy and involvement in one another's lives. I'm simply not sure what a "lover" is, in a number of respects. Sex is so far from being the deciding factor. But this is all language talk. Terms mean what we mean them to mean, I suppose.

What matters is the love. Do you love your friends with whom you're also occasionally sharing a bed? If not, why are you sharing a bed? These are just questions. More words. What matters, I suppose, are the questions.
lovers is a tricky word. I have a friend who considers all her peeps her sweethearts... I am so not into that term. LOL. ha. Doesn't fit my personality at all. I would say I love my friends yes... or am getting to love them. Mono thinks I could be just a booty call and doesn't like that prospect so I have backed away from some circumstances to see where the friendship goes for awhile. If there is a friendship to fall on then my love for them will certainly be deeper, but then does that make our relationship poly? I wouldn't want a boyfriend/girlfriend thing going on with anyone but Mono, just a close friendship with benefits (with those I have backed away from for now, no one else at the moment). I came from a childhood of being intimate with friends and now that I have discovered that it is possible to be that way as an adult I find it only natural to just do it rather than label it, but for some reason, as an adult, because it is an adult thing to do, I have a need to label... hmmmm,,, sucks.

Last edited by redpepper; 06-12-2009 at 02:36 PM.
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  #14  
Old 06-12-2009, 07:25 AM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I beg to differ..it is not immaterial to me. I have a expectations of everyone in our lives because it is "our" lives. The term "friends with benefits" makes me ill.
yes love I know it does... the talks continue.. heh
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  #15  
Old 06-12-2009, 12:46 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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You lost me. I'm not advocating any particular term for anybody. I'm just saying that because one relationship isn't as intense as another doesn't mean it isn't a relationship. Referring to the intense relationships as poly relationships and the less intense relationships as not being poly, from here, appears to be misapplication of the term. "Poly" indicates multiple relationships only and has nothing to say about the intensity of each one.
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  #16  
Old 06-12-2009, 02:39 PM
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Originally Posted by SeventhCrow View Post
because one relationship isn't as intense as another doesn't mean it isn't a relationship. Referring to the intense relationships as poly relationships and the less intense relationships as not being poly, from here, appears to be misapplication of the term. "Poly" indicates multiple relationships only and has nothing to say about the intensity of each one.
I think for me the intensity of the relationship is paramount in describing poly for me. I am a bit lost too at this point.. heehee. Perhaps if I were to use the term poly for all my loving relationships I wouldn't be. But I don't want to over use the term and take away from it's importance in my life.
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  #17  
Old 06-12-2009, 04:20 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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I think I'm beginning to understand where you are. I suspect it's tied to the fact that we lack the working vocabulary to describe all of our ties to reflect their nature in a fashion that doesn't sound derogatory.

You appear to refer to your primaries as "poly relationships" to denote their importance. Your secondary relationships are different, so you don't want to use the same term for them. Am I on the right track?

And, yeah, "primary" and "secondary" just don't really seem to work for any purpose other than a clinical discussion. I think "paramour" works fine for primaries. I'm still at a loss for a suitable term for secondaries.
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  #18  
Old 06-29-2009, 08:39 PM
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Originally Posted by SeventhCrow View Post
To say that one or two of many are "poly" and the rest aren't is, well, absurd. You have many--which makes them all part of being poly--and some are closer and more intense than others.

I'm respectfully going to disagree on this point. Poly relationships are assumed to be based on a deeper emotional connection or love, which separates them from open relationships and swinging.. To say that they can be of various intensities and closeness is true, but eventually you could end up having such a lack of closeness that they are nothing more than fuck buddies. There is nothing wrong with that but I fail to see how those relationships fall under the umbrella of poly "amorous" and not just poly "sex play friends".

That doesn't mean the person isn't polyamorous but just identifies that some of their relationships are not polyamorous in nature. You could, and some people do, have poly relationships as well as casual or swing relationships.

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 06-29-2009 at 08:55 PM.
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  #19  
Old 06-30-2009, 04:45 PM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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I agree with you in principle Mono, but unfortunately for many of the general public who think they want to be poly, they equate poly with just having many lovers, not many loves. There is indeed a difference, as you and I well know. So is our definition wrong or is the general public's wrong?
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  #20  
Old 06-30-2009, 05:01 PM
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I 'm not a big fan of "right or wrong" I prefer just "different" as I fear appearing judgemental. Let's just say I think the word Polyamorous is mis-used a lot in the general population and used rather loosely amongst the poly community in a lot of cases.... Doesn't make it right or wrong, I just think I have a different interpretation of what constitutes a "love" and what love is in general compared to that of a lot of the people I know.

Always respect
Take care
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