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Old 07-17-2010, 01:06 AM
Eos Eos is offline
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Default first adventure into polyland...

Well, hello everyone. I'll be honest, my story is kind of complicated, so I'll try to be as clear as possible.

Though born a biological female, I identify as Genderqueer, which basically means that I feel like I'm something outside of the gender binary. For me personally, I feel that I'm a blend of both the male and female genders, but I don't have a particularly strong leaning one way or the other. There are times that I will dress and pass as a male, and other times I will flaunt myself in a pretty dress. It really all depends on the day of the week. That being said, to most people, I identify as a lesbian, because quite frankly, I love women.

When does this get to polyamory you ask? Well, right now. I am currently in some bizarre form of a relationship with a woman who also has a boyfriend. The way we met was actually rather odd. My SO, J we'll call her, was the best friend of my current best friend. For the longest time, she was just a story, something I only ever heard about, not a real person. One day, I got a friend request from her on FB, and I accepted, and we hit it off fantastically. There was instant chemistry, and it was very obvious that we were attracted to one another. After several months of on again, off again messaging, there was a text message, that eventually led to a phone call, that eventually led to a profession of love on both ends. We'd been just friends several months prior to that, so this was not some random thing that just started.

J told me that she wanted to be more than just friends, and I care about her as more than friends, so I didn't see the problem. Well, except for her boyfriend. The bf was actually ok with all this happening, and even encouraged it. The two of them had discussed getting J a girlfriend a few months prior to me entering the picture, and J kept her bf in the loop about everything that was going on, and he consented to the two of us becoming close. The boyfriend has absolutely no intention of having anything to do with me romantically. We speak every now and then, but I wouldn't even consider us friends. J, the boyfriend, and I all decided that we would keep the relationships seperate, which I thought was the best option. And seperate is meant in more than just a sexual way; J does not talk about the problems between she and her boyfriend, and does not tell the bf about any issues between me and her.

All of this has been a rather emotionally testing ordeal. I care very much for J and would like to make her a part of my future, but I'm not the primary, and therefor, not exactly entitled to wanting that. J and her boyfriend are very much in love, and to her, the thought of having real life plans with anyone other than the bf scares her. The two of them are in the process of trying to find a place, and basically get everything they need to start a life. J's got every intention of marrying this man and having a family with him. I never in my life would have thought that I'd be ok with sharing an SO because I've been a raging monogamist for my entire life. But for some reason, I'm really not threatened by the boyfriend. I feel that our relationships are two very different things, and have different kinds of love, so I don't feel that there's any need for alarm.

The hardest part is the distance. J lives 4 hours away from me, and I am not able to visit whenever I please. I'm a full time student who will be going to college 2,000 miles from where I currently live, thus potentially straining this situation further. I love J completely and totally, and would love to plan my life with her, but I currently can't because she's planning it with the boyfriend. We actually had a falling out over it. While some part of me believes that I'm better for her than the bf, I recognize that it's not fair to say that and there's no use in getting upset. I have no intention of taking another romantic partner, but at the same time, it's very difficult for me because my loved one is 200 miles away. Part of me gets jealous because the bf has her whenever he wants, and I have to plan strategic trips just to spend a limited amount of time with her. I've considered leaving the arrangement, but J means too much to me, and it'd be like cutting off an arm at this point if I chose to walk away.

So yes, I entered into this world of polyamory with absolutely no intention of doing so...it'll be interesting to see how this works out.
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Old 07-17-2010, 01:27 AM
immaterial immaterial is offline
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Fascinating story! Did you want feedback or were you more sort of blogging?

Immaterial
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Old 07-17-2010, 01:33 AM
Eos Eos is offline
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Well, it was a little bit of a rant and an explaination. I don't do well with intros. I'm completely and totally open to feedback, because I'm totally lost at what to do. This whole situation is bizarre, so if anyone wants to chime in, I'm not objecting.
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Old 07-17-2010, 01:48 AM
immaterial immaterial is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eos View Post
All of this has been a rather emotionally testing ordeal. I care very much for J and would like to make her a part of my future, but I'm not the primary, and therefor, not exactly entitled to wanting that. J and her boyfriend are very much in love, and to her, the thought of having real life plans with anyone other than the bf scares her. The two of them are in the process of trying to find a place, and basically get everything they need to start a life. J's got every intention of marrying this man and having a family with him. I never in my life would have thought that I'd be ok with sharing an SO because I've been a raging monogamist for my entire life. But for some reason, I'm really not threatened by the boyfriend. I feel that our relationships are two very different things, and have different kinds of love, so I don't feel that there's any need for alarm.

The hardest part is the distance. J lives 4 hours away from me, and I am not able to visit whenever I please. I'm a full time student who will be going to college 2,000 miles from where I currently live, thus potentially straining this situation further. I love J completely and totally, and would love to plan my life with her, but I currently can't because she's planning it with the boyfriend. We actually had a falling out over it. While some part of me believes that I'm better for her than the bf, I recognize that it's not fair to say that and there's no use in getting upset. I have no intention of taking another romantic partner, but at the same time, it's very difficult for me because my loved one is 200 miles away. Part of me gets jealous because the bf has her whenever he wants, and I have to plan strategic trips just to spend a limited amount of time with her. I've considered leaving the arrangement, but J means too much to me, and it'd be like cutting off an arm at this point if I chose to walk away.
What sort of falling out did you have? What do you mean you feel you are better for her than the boyfriend? I'm not sure why taking another romantic partner would have much bearing on how you feel about J and her boyfriend.

You write: "I've considered leaving the arrangement...."

It sounds like you are being left. I am just giving you what comes across to me in your description. You sound like a classic secondary. For this to be more successful, IMO, you have to be almost 100% comfortable being the secondary, You are not. You would in fact rather be the primary.

If I were you, I would run away, very, very, very fast and not look back. It sounds like J has used you and would like to keep her options open to keep using you. This is very painful stuff but it seems like a departure is warranted, given the strong messages from J.

But that's just my .02.

Immaterial
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Old 07-17-2010, 02:36 AM
Eos Eos is offline
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Perhaps falling out wasn't perhaps the best wording. It was more of a very emotional talk. Basically what had happened is that I hadn't heard out of J for about 5 days, then I get a long letter saying she's sorry, but she got scared and when she gets scared, she says nothing at all. She and I had begun to make future plans, but I didn't think they were too concrete. It was stuff along the lines of "after I finish school..." kinds of things, which is several years off, considering how much of an education I'd like to get. I guess, from what I gathered out of the talk, that our future plans, even though they included her boyfriend, threatened the plans she had with him. They've been together for two years, and have already made plans, and I guess our plans scared her.

And yeah, I do struggle with being a secondary. I'm used to being with just one person, so the concept of sharing is strange, but like I said, I'm not threatened by the boyfriend. When I said I felt I was better, I meant on an emotional, fiscal, and caring level. The boyfriend almost hit J on more than one occasion, but has yet to lay a hand on her. THAT is my biggest concern, and greatest point of better-ness. I would never, under any circumstances, ever threaten her safety. This guy is also currently out of work, lives at home, and allegedly has an interest in pursueing further education, but my gut feeling tells me that that'll probably fall through. I, on the other hand, am going to school and with that education, I can provide for her. I'm also a little more emotionally supportive. The boyfriend doesn't exactly express his feelings that well. She knows that he cares, but he doesn't do much. He doesn't tell her she's beautiful or do things for her, he just kind of hangs out. I've been told that this is just how he is, but I don't find that acceptable. However, it's not my relationship, so I can't comment on it to her. All I can do is provide for her in the ways he doesn't, which is what I've been doing. Maybe that's wrong, I dunno.

I love J, she loves me, and I guess I just have to settle with things being the way they are. She wants a "no pressure" relationship; meaning, she wants a relationship without expectations. I don't think that's an outrageous request, but I'm the kind of person who likes to plan things out, but things never go the way anyone plans. It's stupid to take something as concrete as a 5 year plan and build on time, which is the most elastic property in the universe. I really want to make this work, and I think part of why I struggle is because I haven't been here. I've already told her that I'm willing to put in the time to make this work because I love her that much. Things may change and I may end up taking another SO, but I don't forsee that happening any time soon. Oh, the boyfriend doesn't have another SO either. I think we have a "V" relationship, I think it's called. So, we're both focused on J, and as far as I know, the boyfriend wants things to work out as well. He knows that there are some ways, emotionally, that he can't provide for her, so that's why he's ok with me being in the picture.
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Old 07-17-2010, 03:31 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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I haven't been in the mono/poly type relationship you're talking about but I can comment on secondary relationships.

I'm secondary to my secondary (Possibility) who also happens to have two primaries.

We both get things out of our relationship that we can't get from our main relationships. It sounds like that's what's happening with you, you're giving her the things she can't get from her primary because he just doesn't work that way.

What you do need to consider though is whether you will be happy always being secondary. For now that might be what you need because of your limited time due to education demands, etc. but looking into the future do you see yourself as being happy as a secondary.

There's always the option of you finding a primary for yourself too but you've said you don't see that happening in the near future.

Just some thoughts.
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Old 07-27-2010, 09:43 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by immaterial View Post
It sounds like you are being left. I am just giving you what comes across to me in your description. You sound like a classic secondary. For this to be more successful, IMO, you have to be almost 100% comfortable being the secondary, You are not. You would in fact rather be the primary.

If I were you, I would run away, very, very, very fast and not look back. It sounds like J has used you and would like to keep her options open to keep using you. This is very painful stuff but it seems like a departure is warranted, given the strong messages from J.
Harsh!

I didn't get that impression at all... It sounded to me like J wants a relationship with Eos, and is doing what she can to fit her life together. Clearly there's some room for improvement in the communication department, but that doesn't constitute using someone or keeping her options open.

Yeah, the boyfriend sounds like a bit of a tool. But like you said, it's her life and her decision. She clearly sees something in him that you don't, or else it's just some co-dependency going on.

I can relate to her desire for a "no-pressure" relationship, as it's something I'm open to as well. I'm married and one life partner is all I can handle psychologically and emotionally. And it's one more life partner than I ever thought I'd want, when I was younger :P

I prefer to let relationships develop organically rather than trying to shove them into some pre-defined mold. I also understand that some people are looking for a life partner, and those are not necessarily compatible.

The catch-22 is that if you want more out of life and you can't get it from her, and you're not really interested in dating other people while you're dating her, then you're stuck in a bit of a rut. You don't want to date other people as her "replacement" and only you can know whether you have the ability to love multiple people, possibly finding your own primary and then you and J would be each other's secondary...
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