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Old 02-17-2012, 03:35 AM
Jacq Jacq is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1
Unhappy Hi....

My name is Jacqueline, and I'm a mono female...? I'm 25 years old, and had/have been seeing a poly guy (married) for 7 to 8 months now. I had also been casually dating a couple other guys (and a girl) at the same time.

My feelings for him were becoming serious recently though, and I told him I didn't think it'd be a good idea if we cuddled or were intimate anymore, because I'd like to start pursuing things with this mono guy seriously (no one else I've dated is poly).

I like casually dating and hanging out with people that I like; but I do not equate that to committed relationships, as I have no expectations with casual dating (other than that we have a good time and are responsible), and I am always very clear about that with the other people....

So that's how it started out between us, except that he's one of few people that I've ever been insanely attracted to..... He's basically everything I could have wished for/wanted in a partner. Of course... We've never had to weather bad or difficult times together or anything like that; so perhaps it's not something I can quite accurately gauge even now. Just lots of good times spent together and great dates. But he's just the kindest, most considerate, sincere, interesting/intriguing people I've ever met. I'm not usually able to communicate so openly and straightforwardly with even most people. Kind of hard to not love that.

Relationships in general scare me to death. I've only ever loved once, and the heartbreak lasted for years; so I'm very cautious and wary about the people who I choose to trust, and make myself vulnerable to....

I adore him. It was wonderful, and things seemed perfect for a while. But I knew I'd eventually have to make this choice, and I pretty much have. I've changed things, and even if we still hang out as friends (the thought of not even being friends is unimaginable to me), we'll never have that same closeness that I've cherished so much before.

I'm going to read this book he's lent me; but I think it's unlikely to change my mind. It's impossible for me.... to imagine loving someone so much and only being a secondary at best. I don't think I could do it. He'd said he was hoping that perhaps I'd end up poly and develop a primary relationship, and that we could continue on. But I don't think that will work for me.... At least not right now. I have serious doubts as to whether it'd really be feasible for me though, and even if it were, (with the way that I am) it would take years for me to develop that primary relationship first, and then they'd have to be poly (or I guess at least accepting of the lifestyle).

And the way that I love.... is just so monogamous. =( I don't know how to give anyone but that one person my all. I don't understand how I can possibly fall devastatingly in love with more than one person at a time. I told him that I think we're just wired differently.... And then basically ended the most intimate part of our relationship.

Now what? I can't stand the thought of not being able to be friends, but how does that work now? How do I just take the feelings out of the equation.... Is that even possible? Now I think that maybe we can't even be friends because of the feelings I developed for him..

It's easier to leave now, but I lose a great person in my life. Will he come to hate/resent me for this?

Last edited by Jacq; 02-17-2012 at 04:19 AM. Reason: Extra question I forgot
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Old 02-17-2012, 06:41 PM
fidurski369 fidurski369 is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 5

Stop fearing love. Stop it. If you feel something for someone and you know you can trust them than let go. Love will never come in a perfect box! It also depends on if you have a relationship with his wife at all. If you don't know her I would make a great attempt. She may end up being someone that you could be great friends with.
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Old 02-18-2012, 03:52 AM
nihonjindesu nihonjindesu is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 8

Well, I'd start with figuring out exactly why it is that you cannot give more than one person your all. (:

A lot of people feel very specific ways about things but when it comes down to it they can't really explain why, logically. I'm a very logical person and like to base my beliefs on logic as best as I can, so anyway that's where I would start. Get yourself figured out. Once you've got that down things should be a lot easier for you.

You'll either figure out that you really do want monogamy, accept that this man is not into that and move on, orrrrr you may open up more to the idea of non-monogamy and who knows what will happen from there, (:

Last thing, don't be afraid, whatever you do. Fear holds us back, so, so, SO much! Love's the way to go (:
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Old 02-18-2012, 04:36 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,183

It sounds to me you know already that you strongly prefer monogamous relationships. It's just this one guy who is so awesome makes you wonder a bit. Read what he gave you and think about it but it seems from your post that you know what you truly need and want.

He's married and poly. Neither of those are likely to change. You need to have a connection with one person who also connects on that level only with you. He can't give you that ever. You also can't be what he needs, a poly person who is fine with being a secondary relationship. It's time to walk away from each other while it is possible to do so lovingly.

You have reached this conclusion on your own. You may well need a break from being around each other as you adjust to being friends. I am restricting time with a former lover as I adjust to being friends only. I also meet very few people that I can fall in love with. Maybe 4 or 5 so far (I'm 40).

Also if he is the man you believe him to be, he will understand. He will be sad and unhappy, no doubt, but I suspect he knows already you and he are not compatible for the long term.

Think perhaps about what your relationship with him brought, what you learned about yourself. Maybe you learned that you can survive loving and losing that love.
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