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  #11  
Old 07-27-2010, 09:25 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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He is very actively pursuing a spiritual life and that is one of the things they have in common because she is also very spiritual......he has even has become a "monk" but not a celibate monk. Do you think it's possible that his pursuit of "God" may be causing him conflict with sex.
One activity replacing another or generating a comparable high is not uncommon. I will probably get flamed for this but...riding motorcycle is the one activity that rivals sex as far as being a uniquely fulfilling experience for me. The edge going to sex with Redpepper because I am connected with her. Given the choice between a one night stand of casual sex with someone I am not connected to and riding with friends I would pick riding.

His focus may have changed but this does not mean he thinks negative of sex..maybe he just doesn't think of it that much.

My ex wife once told me she thought of me as another child or room mate. This lead to the catalyst which reconnected us. Regardless it indicates a possible reshaping of his love for her...perhaps one that comes and goes.

He may be NREing out on spirituality the way I first di with riding. Sex became much less importnat because I was getting such a rush from it.

Then again..I could be full of shit..but that's my take on things.
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  #12  
Old 07-28-2010, 03:52 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Racing my car is like that for me. Sex is almost hte ONLY thing that can distract me on race day - and frankly, since sex is avaiable after the event and on other days, and race days are maybe once a month - twice if I'm lucky... Well, Violet doesn't try that, my ex did. Violet is here, the ex isn't. Coincidence? Maybe...
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  #13  
Old 07-28-2010, 03:55 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Racing my car is like that for me. Sex is almost hte ONLY thing that can distract me on race day - and frankly, since sex is avaiable after the event and on other days, and race days are maybe once a month - twice if I'm lucky... Well, Violet doesn't try that, my ex did. Violet is here, the ex isn't. Coincidence? Maybe...
Well said
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  #14  
Old 07-28-2010, 04:52 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Mono, would you mind sharing your experience with reconnecting. I don't think it's been discussed on the board before... I could be wrong. But reconnection that allows sexual intimacy is a topic that hits close to home at the moment and I would love to hear anyone's experience with this.
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  #15  
Old 07-28-2010, 08:31 PM
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Mono, would you mind sharing your experience with reconnecting.
Of course I will. This is how I work and I'm not blanketing anyone else with my own values and internal workings.

Reconnecting is a rebirth or resumption of energy transfer. It is the sense that there is something inside you wanting to be a part of something in some one else. I wrote another article around this called The Beauty of the self Preserving Entity.
Passion and sexuality is a form of communication for me. When I feel something inside me yearning for something inside some one else, that energy can be expressed with boundless and blinding passion. If something injects an interuption in that connection, (either taking some one for granted over time or an outside stimulus) then my energy stops and sex is just sex...a means to get off and takes next to no time and is not worth expending more energy than is required for physical release. I'm taking at this point or doing a chore for some one else.

I had to almost lose my ex wife to regain an appreciation for just how much she meant to me. Ironically the catlyst was her wanting to explore a relationship with a female friend of ours. It didn't happen but the response to almost leaving her as a result was that I felt that yearning again.

My connection with Redpepper has been interupted from time to time but not lost. The key to reconnecting in these cases was to discuss what was troubling me. This type of interuption is immediately noticeable because our enrgy is so strong that it leaves a huge void. When you slowly lose that yearning and subsequent enery for some one over time it is much harder to realize when it is gone.
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 07-29-2010 at 03:04 AM. Reason: quote formatting
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  #16  
Old 07-29-2010, 05:21 AM
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Thanks for the discussions and ponderings. My friend is a member here and she is reading your responses. We talked about it tonight and decided that she might paint a picture for him about what she is wanting.....the emotionally/spiritually/sexually integrated experience. And find out if this is something he is interested in also. It might well be that this is not neccessarily something he is focused on. When saying what he is looking for- he says "a lifetime partner" but he doesn't specify that the relationship should be rewarding in a certain way. They seem to have a good emotional/spiritual connection but with a disconnect from his side on the sexual aspect of the relationship. So- if he says that is not really something he is focused on or interested in, then she can say it is something she wants and request that he consider joining her in the pursuit of that type of connection. If he says he wants that type of connection then all they have to do is figure out how to get it.......any thoughts on that???
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  #17  
Old 07-29-2010, 05:50 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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So- if he says that is not really something he is focused on or interested in, then she can say it is something she wants and request that he consider joining her in the pursuit of that type of connection. If he says he wants that type of connection then all they have to do is figure out how to get it.......any thoughts on that???
I personally think this is as simple and effective of an approach as anyone could suggest

Let us know how it goes!
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  #18  
Old 07-29-2010, 02:12 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Thank you for sharing mono. Until yesterday I was having trouble defining the connection that I am needing. Before my icky can of worms post my sexuality was purely physical. I needed to have a bond with my partner, but as soon as clothes came off my emotional wall went up. After I dropped that emotional guard there was just no going back for me and without this universal connection I simply cannot be physical. I'm currently working on getting that back. Something that first started as a want (experiencing emotional vunerability while being physical) has turned into and absolute need. It has taken me a long time to realize that this was the problem because of the switch. Now that I realize what the issue is and I have been able to define it I feel so much better and am ready to work on this.

For the OP, I think that is the perfect plan. I hope that he is receptive to her needs and I hope that he will be open about the possible issues he is having that is preventing him from doing these things in the first place.
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  #19  
Old 07-29-2010, 06:57 PM
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Thanks for sharing everyone!!! a note to Ilove2men! I think he is experiencing what you are talking about.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilove2men
......I needed to have a bond with my partner, but as soon as clothes came off my emotional wall went up.
Being naked and having intercourse with your partner is a very intimate undertaking and can make a person feel very vulnerable. It is understandable after all that this might happen. My friend felt that as soon as she decided she was ready for intercourse and she let him know- he went straight for it and only in a physical way. That was the first time that they were together without the intense sexual foreplay. It seems like as soon as he knew it was time for intercouse, an emotional wall went up for him.


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Originally Posted by Ilove2men View Post
...... After I dropped that emotional guard there was just no going back for me and without this universal connection I simply cannot be physical. .
That's where my friend is now....she doesn't want the physical only connection. The question is, what does he really want.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilove2men
......I'm currently working on getting that back. Something that first started as a want (experiencing emotional vunerability while being physical) has turned into an absolute need. It has taken me a long time to realize that this was the problem because of the switch. .
It's interesting that you used the word "switch" because that's what she has called it a few times. It was like he flipped a switch.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilove2men
Now that I realize what the issue is and I have been able to define it I feel so much better and am ready to work on this.

For the OP, I think that is the perfect plan. I hope that he is receptive to her needs and I hope that he will be open about the possible issues he is having that is preventing him from doing these things in the first place.
May I ask....can you imagine how you would have felt if your partner brought this to your attention rather than figuring it out on your own? How would you want your partner to approach this topic? (He could get defensive if he feels she is judging him). What would you have liked to hear....what would have made you more receptive to this if it was coming from your partner?
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  #20  
Old 07-29-2010, 07:45 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Well, my situation is a bit different because I achieved my goal and after my fiance and my relationship fell into a terrible downward spiral so I am now having to rebuild the connection that was lost because of it. Our symptom is not a lack of foreplay, but zero sex at all! It has been a struggle for me to figure out the whys because I have always had a very active sex drive and I still do, but I was hitting an invisible wall.

When talking about sex and needs and desires I think the first thing that comes to someone's mind is to be defensive. I say that because who wants the blow of knowing that they aren't satisfying their partners needs, but I think a healthy combination of I statements and reassurances to the other partner will get them both through it. It's tricky because if it comes across the wrong way it may make him resentful (may not be the right word) and resistant to making improvements in himself. So, it's really important that she and he both ask questions to make sure that both have a clear understanding of what is needed and why and that it's being brought up not just for her sake, but also for the sake of them continuing to have a healthy relationship where both are cared for as they need to be.

For me personally the first few sentences when opening a discussion about an issue are key. I like a little warning and reassurance. Something like... " I need to speak to ypu about an issue I'm having. I'm a little nervous speaking about it because it is something that is really important to me and I don't want to offend you in anyway with this because I love you. I need to speak about this and I hope you know that anything I bring up is for use to continue to grow in our ralationship together." Hearing something along those lines helps me swallow my ego and know that they are not suddenly an opposing team. This gives me the ability to truly hear my loves needs and see them as just that. My love has a need to be fulfilled... BY ME. It makes for the smoothest ride possible.
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