Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #61  
Old 10-15-2010, 09:32 PM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 69
Default

Things seem to be going better since Tonberry and I talked over things both here and in person. They're still not perfect, I have a lot of work to do on my depression and self-esteem issues, but since making the decision that I can't put gettting therapy off anymore I'm feeling like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

It also helps that I've added one more person to the circle of those in the know. I recently got back in touch with one of my closest friends of a few years ago, who is both like a little sister to me and one of my closest confidants. While she was a bit worried at first when she heard about Sean, it didn't take her long to see that it's all part of me loving Tonberry for who she is, and she's happy that we're both mature enough in our feelings to have the relationship that's right for us.
When I talked about getting therapy she told me about the good it's done for her lately, and that's encouraging to hear.

I'm confident that things will get better for Tonberry and I, although I know we'll have our hiccups and setbacks.
Reply With Quote
  #62  
Old 10-16-2010, 10:09 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 228
Default

Glad you are feeling more positive Ragabash. It always amazes me coming to an American dominated forum like this how many people are having therapy/counselling of some kind. Over here in England we don't have that so much.
Instead we have a soap opera on TV called Eastenders. The storylines are so depressive and all the characters so ****ing miserable that viewers feel cheered up about their own lives straight away.
If that doesn't work there is always alcohol.
Reply With Quote
  #63  
Old 10-16-2010, 10:14 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,864
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by vodkafan View Post
Glad you are feeling more positive Ragabash. It always amazes me coming to an American dominated forum like this how many people are having therapy/counselling of some kind. Over here in England we don't have that so much.
Instead we have a soap opera on TV called Eastenders. The storylines are so depressive and all the characters so ****ing miserable that viewers feel cheered up about their own lives straight away.
If that doesn't work there is always alcohol.
haha @ eastenders
Reply With Quote
  #64  
Old 10-17-2010, 02:00 PM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 69
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by vodkafan View Post
Glad you are feeling more positive Ragabash. It always amazes me coming to an American dominated forum like this how many people are having therapy/counselling of some kind. Over here in England we don't have that so much.
Instead we have a soap opera on TV called Eastenders. The storylines are so depressive and all the characters so ****ing miserable that viewers feel cheered up about their own lives straight away.
If that doesn't work there is always alcohol.
I'm not going to comment on the Americans, being Canadian myself, but for me therapy is something that I should have had a long time ago. I've been dealing with depression for 25 years, and I'm only 33. When I was 8 years old a friend and classmate of mine, an aboriginal boy who had been bounced from foster home to foster home committed suicide, and our class was told by the teacher he did it "because he had no friends". Then that was it. No grief councellor was brought in, the school didn't call our parents, and the only mention of it after that was when the teacher told us she'd been to the funeral over the lunch break... the class wasn't even allowed to say goodbye. I had to learn to cope with suicide at 8 after essentially being told I was to blame... so yes, I have problems with depression and I need help. I've also thought of tracking down that teacher and either mailing her a long letter telling her what a monster she was for that and/or egging her house. That may come with time.
Reply With Quote
  #65  
Old 10-20-2010, 03:15 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,361
Default

I wanted to wait until I had more details, but I feel I can't really hold it anymore...

So, I have feelings for a man I call my interest. I started feeling that way around March and that's why I joined the forum. I've developed deeper and stronger feelings for him throughout. However he is very busy and things kept getting in the way of us getting closer: I had to cancel a trip due to immigration reasons, he moved away in September, things like that.

Well yesterday I was talking on the forums where we met with a friend we have in common, and she told me that the trip I missed taking (where I had fantasized about meeting him, hooking up and so on), well basically SHE did. She also made it clear she doesn't want to share.

It's a bit weird. It hit me so hard. I felt devastated. I'm happy for him but also feeling really bad about the whole situation. I'm very grateful for the support I got from my husband and boyfriend, who help make it a bit easier. But mostly, it still seems unreal, and not true. Like no, that hasn't actually happened. I keep remembering it, like I forget then remember several time in the span of a minute. It's very weird.

The situation is weird too. Basically she sent me a PM asking if I had cyber-sex with him, because although I'm poly, she's not and would very much mind. I replied that I didn't, although I had been after him since March, and what did she meant she minded, were they a couple?
To which she said they were, and that she'd tell me everything because she was dying to talk about it, and to keep it a secret.

Sean pointed out that it's weird for someone to randomly ask someone else "is my boyfriend cheating on me with you?" and that it means she either doesn't trust him, or they haven't stated they're being exclusive. Also, he was there at the trip in question and says his impression was that she was dragging him around and he was following reluctantly.
He insisted that he's not just trying to cheer me up, he's just very doubtful over the whole thing. As far as he's concerned, they either had a fling that she sees as something bigger, or she's just plain lying.

I wouldn't go that far, but I'm very curious about what she'll have to tell me. I wanted to wait after then before I talked about it, but I do feel the need to talk about it, and since she's asked me to keep it quiet, I can't really talk about it to any friends who also know her or him...
I did tell my husband and boyfriend, but both had to deal with me crying, I wasn't about not to tell them what was going on.

I also find it weird that after I told her I've been in love with the guy for basically 8 months, she's still very enthusiastic about sharing every single detail. While I'm glad because I'd rather know, she's not sending a very compassionate vibe there.
I'm also slightly bitter because she did say about... I think four months ago, maybe more, that she wouldn't go after the guy and that I "could have him". While I do believe she genuinely wasn't interested in him at the time, and I can see how such promises aren't that easy to keep, I resent her for not even acknowledging it, since I did mention it to her and she just ignored it. I feel she should at least take responsibility for that or something.


Right now, I have to admit, I'm just feeling weird about the whole thing. I'd rather have him happy than not, and if he has a gf I'd rather it be someone who can give me insider information rather than it staying completely unknown. I'm also pretty much out of touch with him by now and that would be a way to stay in touch. And finally, I have to say I am still hoping. I'm thinking maybe a few years from now they might split up, or be willing to open up or something. I have no doubt I'll still be in love with him then, so my worry is simply, will I have the opportunity to stick around? It's very easy for people to kick you out of their lives when your only contacts are through the Internet.
Also, I say I'm still hoping, but I'm not planning on pushing it. I'd be extremely satisfied being "just friends". I might discuss her boundaries and see if she would be okay with something along the lines of a non-sexual girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, or a close friendship, or something.
Of course, the way he feels about the whole thing will be the most important. I'm waiting to hear back from her with more on the story, then I'll contact him to tell him congrats on being with her, and I hope they're happy, or something along those lines.

So yeah, big news for me... I'm surprised how in some ways it changes everything, and in some ways it changes nothing. A lot of pain and "what if" and "if only", but also a lot of positive things as well, somehow. I'm definitely glad I'm not going through this alone.
Reply With Quote
  #66  
Old 10-20-2010, 02:37 PM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 69
Default

Sean and I are always here for you whenever you feel like you need to let it out.

I can really understand the feeling that you'll still be in love with your interest in a few years and be willing to wait. The other day when I was working with J and she fell asleep at work... I finally admitted to myself that I love her, and I know that there will always be a place for her in my life if she chooses to accept it.

I suppose that's the great advantage of poly, in its own way. One can keep a place in their heart for someone they care about and not feel like they're holding their life still on that hope. We can move on, find other relationships or contentment with the ones we have, and if something changes we can be happy for that, too.

Sean and I love you, and if your interest finds love for you too we'll welcome him into our family, just like I know you will if J ever sees me like I see her.
Reply With Quote
  #67  
Old 10-20-2010, 02:46 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,361
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ragabash View Post
I finally admitted to myself that I love her, and I know that there will always be a place for her in my life if she chooses to accept it.
Finally! :P Up till now, every time you said "I could see myself falling in love with her" I kept thinking "I saw it happen already!"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ragabash View Post
I suppose that's the great advantage of poly, in its own way. One can keep a place in their heart for someone they care about and not feel like they're holding their life still on that hope. We can move on, find other relationships or contentment with the ones we have, and if something changes we can be happy for that, too.
I was thinking the same thing. It's relaxing, and zen, to think that it doesn't really matter as much. Things aren't a one-time thing and then you've missed your chance, not necessarily. You don't need to wait for someone, or rather, you don't have to refrain from other things while you do. You can just wait and see, and be happy either way, with the partners you do have, and possibly with that one person becoming your partner at some point.

I think that's one of the biggest thing in helping me cope. On the one hand I have a lot of support from both of you, and on the other hand I also know that things could still happen. They could break up, or she could feel more comfortable with sharing, or something. I don't know, and I don't worry as much about it. I have a more serene approach, I guess, taking things as they come, and sure sometimes they're unpleasant, but since you can't do anything about them, it's good to just work through them and keep going.
Reply With Quote
  #68  
Old 10-20-2010, 03:03 PM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 69
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
Finally! :P Up till now, every time you said "I could see myself falling in love with her" I kept thinking "I saw it happen already!"
I guess it did take me forever, didn't it...
Reply With Quote
  #69  
Old 10-22-2010, 02:03 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,361
Default

So, I heard from the friend.
She says that they're not really together - he doesn't want a LDR, he's had one before and it didn't work (sounds like such a silly reason, obviously none of his short distance relationships have worked either, so...). But something happened between them. She's not willing to tell me what, but she couldn't tell me what colour his eyes are so it makes me wonder how much really happened.

It seems she has feelings for him and they talk regularly. He apparently made it clear that they're not in a relationship, but she's determined to move and give it a try from up close.

So I guess she's in a situation similar to mine except she has more contacts with him, something has happened with him at some point and she's liked him for much, much less time.

I'm not sure where it leave me. Honestly, I'm not sure I care. I always thought he was too busy to have much contact with me, but he's been having much more contact with her, so I'm going to say he doesn't like me. Which sucks, but that's that.

Oh well. I'll get over it eventually, and who knows how things might evolve?
Reply With Quote
  #70  
Old 10-23-2010, 01:31 PM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 69
Default

I'm in kind of a weird mental place today. J has her first date with a guy she met through the dating service that she's really excited about, and I'm both happy for her and completely jealous at the same time. It's not the most pleasant feeling. I know in a situation like this jealous isn't unexpected, but I'm still feeling like I shouldn't be feeling it either...

I'm also somewhat worried that my moods are leading me to consider some poorly thought through ideas. Yesterday, on a whim, I sent off a message to the girl I used to like in junior high but never told. Not a weird message, just trying to reconnect, but maybe I'm hoping we'll hit it off, subconsiously? Of course I was looking up other people I used to know too, and have become convinced my best friend from elementary school's name is the Vietnamese equivalent of John Smith...
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:26 PM.