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  #131  
Old 08-18-2011, 03:53 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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I didn't offer any advice, but here's my take.

Seamus seems to be okay with your poly when it's theoretical, but when real life possibilities come up, he panics, immediately tells you how awful he feels instead of trying to work through anything on his own, lays a bit of a guilt trip on you, and then you have issues and feel guilty in return. Then, he calms down, things are okay, but you ultimately decide not to persue whatever option you had.

Granted, this is based on this example and your previous potential, the ex who you had the contact info for, so take it or leave it. My personal opinion is that Seamus needs to spend a bit more time reflecting on his feelings before hitting the panic button with you.
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  #132  
Old 08-18-2011, 05:02 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
I didn't offer any advice, but here's my take.

Seamus seems to be okay with your poly when it's theoretical, but when real life possibilities come up, he panics, immediately tells you how awful he feels instead of trying to work through anything on his own, lays a bit of a guilt trip on you, and then you have issues and feel guilty in return. Then, he calms down, things are okay, but you ultimately decide not to persue whatever option you had.

Granted, this is based on this example and your previous potential, the ex who you had the contact info for, so take it or leave it. My personal opinion is that Seamus needs to spend a bit more time reflecting on his feelings before hitting the panic button with you.

I can speak personally that this is always a good idea. Often my first reaction is panic/emotion/fear driven. I need the time to settle down and let it dwindle a bit, so that I can think rationally and figure out what's triggering me. Often it's just the "suddenness", and once I work through things I'm fine.

I'm learning to wait to talk to hubs about things until I've gone through this. This would be much easier if he didn't so often spring things on me at the last minute (gotta love the ADD impulsiveness). We're working on it
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  #133  
Old 08-18-2011, 05:03 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Thanks for your input I can definitely see that. His main issue is that he's used to it being between friends and the two times I've been interested in someone that things could actually happen with, it was people who were far away from him and who he didn't know much if at all.

Note that while he's still not comfortable with anything relating to my ex, he is supportive of my giving it a try with J. And the reason I'm holding off isn't for Seamus's sake but J's and his friend's...

But yeah, I understand why you'd have this impression. I'm glad he tells me about how he feels rather than bottling up at the very least, and I do feel we made a lot of progress with J. He was fine with it before the whole thing exploded so it's not like he became ok only when it was less real again.

Thanks very much for your input
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  #134  
Old 01-19-2012, 08:30 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I thought I was overdue for an update. It's been a while!

I'm in the US now, have been since the end of October. I am still with Seamus, our relationship is doing great. J and his other FWB stopped things and "broke up" (or whatever the correct term is. They're still friends but without the sex) and after an appropriate amount of time we started being FWB.
As he said, Seamus was comfortable with it once I was living with him. He actually gets aroused by the idea that we do things while he's at work, and he comes home to, as we call it "re-establish his territory". I guess it's a kind of cuckold fetish in which he's being dominant, not submissive.

It's going well, I talk with J often but usually nothing happens, it's quite rare. But it's enjoyable for all three of us which is nice. There was a break though as around the holiday Seamus had to go to the hospital and I spent most of my time there too by is side (he had a foot infection and got surgery. He's fully recovered now).
He asked me if I had sex with J while he was in the hospital, and said he would have felt bad if I did. I told him that I really wasn't in the mood for that at all. He seemed relieved, I think he was afraid I might push him aside or something.
I should give you some background: his ex dumped him while he was in the hospital for a perennial abscess. She basically said "well, I'm off screwing someone else, we're through, I don't want to have to take care of you". Later she came back and said it was "just a test" but he told her there was no way he was getting back with her after that.
So when he was in the hospital, he was afraid I was going to leave him. He said things like "don't leave me" a lot at the beginning, I kept assuring him I wasn't going anywhere, but I thought he meant he wanted me by his side, as it seemed obvious to me I wasn't going to break up with him.
He said he knew I wasn't going to but then again he didn't expect her to either so he was still scared.

Anyways, things are going well. We just adopted a puppy, an adorable pit/lab mix. She's chocolate brown and 11 weeks old, we're starting her training on Sunday. We've only had her for a couple of days and we're trying to house train her so far. She's very affectionate and smart, but she's also a glutton so we'll have to work on that.

So yeah, just wanted to let everyone who might be interested know that we're fine and everything is doing well. I'll keep you posted, although probably not very regularly.
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  #135  
Old 01-19-2012, 08:46 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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So your divorce went through in France and you got your visa? How long can you stay in the states?
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  #136  
Old 01-22-2012, 07:17 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Oh, yeah, the divorce thing.

No news from Ragabash on that front, sadly. Once it does go through in Canada (and I've decided to call there on Monday to check if it has been filed at least, I found the number to call for that), I have to get it recognised in France which takes six months.
I found out that I can also apply for a divorce in France even with him not responding or anything, and that it will "only" take two years before they declare the divorce done due to lack of response, so I might look into that if he hasn't even filed. At this point I don't know how things are since he ignores my emails.

I am on a tourist visa, same as the first time I went to the US, except this time it's for 6 months rather than three. I have to go back to France in April, at which point either the divorce will have gone through in Canada and I'll be working on getting it recognised in France, or it won't and I'll get started on getting a French divorce, even though it takes ages.

Once I'm officially divorced according to the French state, I'll look into a fiancÚ visa, which allows me three months to get to the US and marry Seamus, at which point I can apply to stay permanently. Until then I might re-apply for tourist visas depending on how long it is before I'm divorced.

I was joking with a friend of mine that soon we'll have spent more time married after breaking up than while together. It's not really funny but sometimes you laugh so you won't cry :P
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  #137  
Old 05-15-2012, 03:19 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Okay it's been a while so I figured I'd give everyone an update.

First, bad news, I'm not divorced yet.
Raga said he sent the paperwork in December, so I contacted the Registry of Divorce to ask if anything had been filed.
They told me they had nothing to these names, and that they should have received everything from early December (this was either late December or early January) but to try again in a few weeks. I called again in February, March, April and got negative answers again. I called in May from France and they didn't get back to me, which I figured might be because I'm in another country. I might contact them again in writing.

Still, as soon as I arrived in France I contacted a lawyer, first through e-mail and the phone, and then in person. My appointment was yesterday.

The good news is she thinks the divorce should be straightforward. The bad news is that I need documents from Raga.
I need a birth certificate (she would ask for it herself if he was French but since he's Canadian she says she can't and I have to procure it) and a copy of his ID with a signature.
Canada allows other people to ask for a birth certificate provided permission is given. So I sent Raga an email asking for a scan of his ID, and a scan of a written permission to ask for his birth certificate.

I asked 24 hours ago and didn't get any response, not even to confirm he got the emails. I suspect he is ignoring/avoiding me again, as he's been doing for a year and a half.

I'm very frustrated, but looking into alternate ways to obtain the documents. Maybe I have an old ID of his or a scan of one? And technically a lawyer can ask for a birth certificate for a divorce with a court order, so I'll have to see if my lawyer can obtain such a thing (French law being different from Canadian law, it's a big mess to match the two, usually one requires something the other doesn't allow, at some point.)

My next appointment with the lawyer is next Wednesday (at first she gave me an appointment a week after the first one, so next Monday, but then she extended it to next Wednesday "to give me time to get the paperwork". I'm afraid no amount of time would be enough to obtain a response from Raga, at this point. I did tell him it was urgent though and it's so little effort from his part, I'm hoping he'll do something).

I also haven't obtained a response about why the divorce is taking so long and why he hasn't filed. He never confirmed sending the paperwork even when I asked directly. As you recall it's been a year now of just divorce stuff (a year and a half of being separated), when it should have been straightforward and a formality. I'm extremely frustrated with him, especially since he insisted so much that he wanted to remain friends and he's the one not making any effort toward that goal -_-'

On the other hand, today also happens to be his birthday, so I've decided to give him a break, that is if he doesn't respond today, I'll let it fly, but I expect a reply tomorrow.

Seamus says we should threaten him and maybe he would do something then. But I keep wanting Raga to do things, I just want him, once, not to let me down. I feel stupid because he still does every time, and everyone around me thinks I'm pathetic for constantly trusting him.
I guess I just want to think that he did love me. But his attitude since the break-up have been so hostile, he doesn't treat me with basic respect he would show to a random stranger, it makes me feel like a fool for loving him so much and staying with him for so long despite all of our problems. I feel like he was just using me. And when I tell me "no, he did love you", I can't help but think about little things, like when he was rejected by J and told be "I'll never be happy in love" despite being with me, or when we broke up and he started crying and said "I'm worried I'll never have sex again" instead of being sad not to be with me anymore.

I feel like I fell into some kind of trap, that I love him but he just was with me because I was there, I was practical and I didn't say no. I feel like a fool and I'm trying to grab anything I can that proves it wasn't the case, and every time he ignores me, it just proves it a little bit more.

We've been separated for a year and a half, but it doesn't really get easier. Every time I think about it, it just tears me apart like it did back then. I'm just a little bit more numb.
I knew we wouldn't be best friend right away. But people told me to give it six months, and it's been that time three times over. And he still won't talk to me. Communication is so important, I still want to talk about things. I guess I shouldn't be surprised though, the last straw that made me break up with him was that he refused to talk to me about stuff and instead left for his parents place, and never got back to me until I broke up.

Then he panicked and wanted to talk, but how can I trust someone who abandoned me when I needed him the most?

Sorry, I'm ranting. It's part of the reason why I haven't been updating this journal that much. It just depresses me every time. I'm looking forward to being able to report real good news.

If everything goes right, the French divorce should be able to go through on the 31st of December, 2012, because we'll have been separated for 2 years then. That is, if we can get the documents from Raga.
Otherwise, it will take 2 years from the time the divorce is filed, which will be later this year.

Seamus doesn't seem to really care if it takes 2 years, he says he just wants to know it will be done at some point, nothing else matters to him. But me, I feel trapped. I'm still married to Raga. I keep having to justify things about him, like for welfare they want to know how much he makes and prove that he's not paying me alimony and stuff, other places require all his details for no apparent reason. I still receive stuff in his name: I ordered a new cheque book and got it yesterday. Guess what, his name is on it, even though I ordered it for me.

Anyways. I hope to have some good news soon. I hope it doesn't take an extra two years, by that point we would have spent more time married while separated than while together.
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  #138  
Old 05-20-2012, 07:06 PM
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BlackMagicBlonde BlackMagicBlonde is offline
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have been reading your thread recently, Tonberry. just wanted to say that i feel you in several ways. i saw plenty of Raga's "passive-aggressive victim" role in my ex as well. eventually i despaired of trying to make him happy too...though, like you, i still love him, and find myself rooting for that good and happy person that i occasionally see in him, and am sure he loved/s me....

thanks for taking the time to post; hope you keep doing so.

best wishes

BMB
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  #139  
Old 05-24-2012, 01:27 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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So my new appointment with the lawyer was today.

Raga didn't respond in any manner (although I saw him on facebook so he's definitely still around) so I decided to just drop it and see what we can do without his cooperation. A year and a half of trying to get him to cooperate has really worn me down.

The lawyer is a nice woman, but sometimes she doesn't feel too professional. For instance, she keeps asking me what she should do, or having me do things, and I feel like it should be the other way around. So I had to explain to her every step of the way how to fill a request for birth certificate, and she filled it in French, which hopefully will be fine. Then she gave it to me to mail, while the whole time exclaiming that it just wasn't right that Canada made you pay for these things (it's free in France).

The one problem is that the request requires me to write down where his parents were born, and I have no idea. And since I know I can't get any information from him... I'm thinking I'll write a letter explaining the situation and hopefully that will work out.

The other thing we need to go around is the fact he hasn't given me ID, with his signature. I found a paper that had his signature on it, but it looks nothing like the one he signed the separation agreement with. I think the one on his ID would probably be different too, honestly, so we'll have to find another way.

The lawyer suggested I get any proof that I wasn't with him, which includes my rental agreement, and documents from other people swearing that I was separated from him. So I'm going to go around and ask for these, which should be easy enough.

She cannot do anything until she has his birth certificate, though, so that's the first step. She still needs to snail mail me a copy of her passport, that she didn't have on her, and I still need to write that letter of explanation as to why I don't know either parent's location of birth, and I'm thinking I'll also write up a translation of her letter explaining she needs the document for the divorce. I'm hoping all of that will work out and that they will mail her his birth certificate, so that we can get going with the divorce.
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  #140  
Old 05-29-2012, 07:16 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Good news, everyone!

Sadly, not divorce related. Nothing new on that front.

This is about Seamus. I didn't want to talk about it too early for fear of jinxing it, but Seamus met someone.
Well, he has known her for a while. Actually I gave him the okay a year ago. At the time though, she said she wasn't interested in dating a taken man.

Recently, they got closer. They talked about poly a bunch (she had that misconception that she was supposed to have sex with me too, he set her straight on that), and at a party they got really drunk and started flirting and then kissing.

Now, they were with other friends who know me, and although Seamus is out to his friends, they must not have understood he was serious because they stopped him. A friend in particular, who took his car keys so he wouldn't drive, prevented him from spending the night at her place and took him to his place instead.

Seamus was a bit annoyed, but I pointed out that it was probably for the best not to have your first experience together while drunk. You never know if one of you might regret it later, and you might make really stupid judgment calls, like not wearing protection, etc.

After that they kept in touch, and after a few days they went on a date and he spent the night at her place. They had protected, non-intercourse sex.

The one problem is that she still doesn't seem quite comfortable with poly. She has stated that she wants it to end when I get back into the country.
We are in contact online, though. We also met in real life, but I met so many people on that occasion that I have to admit I don't remember her.

She also seems to want to hide their relationship from the friends they have in common. To be fair I can understand, since most of them know me they apparently got very judgmental with her and accused her of trying to break Seamus and me up while I'm away or something. But on the other hand, I don't like the idea of hiding things.

Seamus respects the fact that she wants to hide it, but says he personally really couldn't care less who knows or doesn't know.

I'm hoping that in the time it takes me to get back to the US, she'll be more comfortable with the hole situation. After all in one year she went from not wanting anything to do with it to wanting a relationship, hidden and while I'm away, sure, but that's still progress.

I think she understand that it's not cheating but that she has some trouble externalizing it or something. And she's really worried what people will think of her if they know.

I'll wait to see how the situation evolves now, but I'm very excited and happy. There have been a few hiccups, for instance he sent me a message telling me he was at her place, but wouldn't stay the night, and so I waited for him to get back home, but he actually fell asleep and I waited for nothing - he had to go to work directly and didn't go back home at all. That was frustrating, but I kept busy as I waited and in the end there was no harm done. He was very apologetic and I think from now on we'll just assume he's spending the night when he sees her, so that I don't wait for nothing.
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