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  #121  
Old 07-02-2011, 03:42 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
I preemptively warned Indigo that if he saw divorce stuff in my browser history, it was NOT for him.
Haha yes, I can see how that could be scary out of context
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  #122  
Old 07-12-2011, 07:04 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Today's news have nothing to do with poly, but they're good news for me and my future.

I have been struggling to find jobs as a translator, and a few years back I had started a project of translating a few webcomics. But each one of them failed one after the other for various reasons, and at the time I was stressed out about a lot of things, then we moved to Canada and I was a bit depressed... in short while I thought about it a lot I never did much about it.

Well since leaving Canada I started working on it all again. Since May I have been updating one comic three times a week, hosted on its own website, and it's good for my portfolio, but it's also not really getting any hits.

But today I had a talk about another of these projects, and the author wants to give it another try. It's different in that he'd host the translation on his website, which means more people seeing it, and the comic is more famous as well. On top of that, it's got hundreds of pages, which means hundreds of pages to add to my portfolio (the other one I'm currently updating is a total of 90 pages and a single story, which is good to show I can finish things, but much shorter and less impressive).

It's for webcomics so I'm not being paid (the original authors aren't making money either after all) unless it gets printed and sold in French, in which case I'd get something. But mostly, it's actual work (I haven't had a "real" job for years, everything I did was on the side without anyone to respond to) and also it's going to fill my portfolio which has been rather empty.
I'm hoping to get more official gigs this way. The goal is to be able to find a job once I'm in the US for good, and the more experience and reputation I have by then, the better.
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  #123  
Old 07-13-2011, 09:26 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Possibly super duper good news. Seamus might be able to visit for a week or two in October.

He was planning in June to come in September, but then his mom lost her job and it became obvious he wouldn't be able to afford it. Then he got a raise and he could afford the ticket, but not the stay. Then my mom broke up with my dad (oh yeah, I didn't tell you guys about that) and left, and I contacted my dad again to support him after not talking to him for years, and he said he's got extra rooms all over the place and I'm more than welcome to keep it company, and it became conceivable that Seamus and I would have a place to stay together...
For the record, I'm sharing a one bedroom with a friend of close to 15 years, but while we can make it work with the two of us, it wouldn't be possible at all for a third person. For one thing, the one bed (where I'm sleeping) is smaller than Seamus is, and the couch is bigger but in the living room we wouldn't get any privacy (it's linked to the kitchen and hall).

Anyways, I'm ecstatic. But at the same time I don't want to get my hopes up too high, he was supposed to be able to make it before and then it fell apart, that could happen again.

Still, I really hope it can happen. If he can't make it, I might not get to see him in person for a year, depending on whether I'm allowed to travel while I'm applying for a visa to the US. Often when you apply from another country, you're not allowed to enter the country in the meantime, and getting a visa takes 6 to 8 months according to our sources, and we can only start when I'm officially divorced in January at the earliest.

It's weird. I know October is far. But just knowing that we might see then makes everything easier, less depressing, less hard. It's definitely something we both need, getting to see each other a little bit in the middle of being apart for a long time. I really hope it does happen.
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  #124  
Old 07-19-2011, 02:57 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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So it turns out at this time it's still too expensive for Seamus to make the trip. He might be able to afford one seat but he needs to buy two (because he's big) and can't afford that.

I took an appointment with the US embassy in France to see if I could get a tourist visa to spend a bit of time in the US before the divorce is finalised. The appointment is in August, I'll let you know how it goes. The main problem is having to prove I intent to go back to France. I do, but how do I prove it? They say a job or property would be good ways too, but I don't have either. I want to go back to France because I want to do things right and legally, and I have no tangible proof of that, really.
A friend suggested I register for a course, problem is they start in September until May, so I'd be living in the middle of the course, which makes it hard to argue it's my incentive to come back.

I'm thinking of maybe mentioning getting back to France to divorce, or to vote for the upcoming election in 2012... But I'm kind of out of ideas at this point.

Speaking of the divorce, Raga got home from his month-long vacation yesterday, and he wanted to wait until his return to deal with the divorce stuff, so hopefully it won't be long now before everything is taken care of, paperwork-wise (we'll still need to wait until December before the divorce is official).
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  #125  
Old 07-21-2011, 06:07 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Got a big check-up with a doctor since I hadn't gone in years. Also had some bloodwork done. It's all normal range except my good cholesterol which is a bit low at 0.42g/L when the minimum is 0.45g/L.
My TSH is perfectly normal and so is my iron, which is good because I stopped taking my thyroid medication two years ago, which was pretty stupid, and hadn't gone back to a doctor since because I was abroad. As for the iron it was too low, and then I got a copper IUD and became vegetarian, both of which I had been told would lower my iron, so I expected it to be at an all-time low, and instead it's ten times what it used to be.

Other tests included liver and kidney stuff and bloodcell count and size and all were normal too.

It's really good because that means not having to take along meds when I go see Seamus, and not having to limit the amount of time I can spend based on how much medication I'm allowed to purchase all at once. Of course being healthy is also generally good.
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  #126  
Old 07-24-2011, 04:16 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Seamus went ahead and bought a single coach ticket despite his size. It's going to be extremely uncomfortable for him (he's 6'6" and a big guy) but that means we'll get to spend ten days together in October

I'm very excited. I want to show him around Paris, the places where I used to go as a kid, my old schools, etc. I also want my friends to have the opportunity to meet him, as he works so much he won't be able to make the trip often.

It's so weird... it seems like life so often shifts from high to low and then the other way. Right now things seem to click into place (I got offers for translations, although unpaid but still really good for my portfolio, I'll get to see Seamus before the end of the year, I'm healthy and Raga should have sent the divorce stuff by now). And some other times it's the opposite and it feels everything that could go wrong does.
But what makes me happy is how we can go through the bad times and end up closer and loving each other more. I think that's how you can tell when you're part of a strong relationship.
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  #127  
Old 08-03-2011, 10:51 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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So, I wanted to wait until giving this update, here we go...

First, the past week was the most stressful week I have had in my life. I would start crying randomly without being able to stop. This week is a bit better. In the meantime I saw a doctor and I'm going to see a psychiatrist starting in September.

I've been under some stress non stop since getting back in France. I'd hear about new debts from before leaving for Canada regularly, I had the issue with welfare that required me to explain my lack of alimony, I had an appointment with the Consulate (today) and a list of things to prepare that was pretty long, and many remarks and comments ("even if you get the visa there is no guarantee you'll be allowed in the territory, you may be sent back at your cost", "if you forget one thing you'll be turned back", "if we refuse to give you a visa we keep the 140 bucks", "if you're found to lie you might be refused visas to the US forever"...)
Then I ended up finding a new place to live, and needing lots of paperwork for THAT too, as well as money, then on top of that I haven't found any paying job...

But was completely freaked me out last week is when I contacted Raga. When I asked in late May or maybe early June about sending the paperwork, he said he'd do it upon his return on the 15th of July. Seamus was really worried then, but I reassured him that of course Raga would do it.
On the 17th or so I sent an email with the paperwork and stuff so he wouldn't have to find it himself, and he said he'd send it the next day.
Then after a week I asked how it was going and he said he'd do it later that day. Since then I've had no news.
Sadly, the more he says he'll do it later the scarier it gets. He said work had been too busy to mail a letter (that I had typed out to him, just needed to copy a few lines and sign and mail it). The letter isn't part of the divorce paperwork, it's so I can get back money I gave to him when we got married since he kept the money in Canada and I was to get the money in France as per our separation agreement.

Now, his work is every other day. Even if for some reason he worked every day he must have had time to shop, and I've seen him play games on Steam and such. So he most definitely had the time. I know it's a lie. It's not a matter of time. It's a matter of not being bothered to do it.

And it terrifies me. All of my problems revolve around having no money and not being divorced yet. He holds a key to both of them (although I'm trying to get money through other means as well) and isn't doing anything, and there is nothing I can do.
I'm usually in control. I hate not being in control. When there is something to do I want it over and done with. When I have an appointment I'll show up early and wait rather than risk missing it. If I need to wait I'd rather wait where the appointment is going to be than wait at home. And to some extent I felt more comfortable with taking a 24 hour ride to Vancouver than a plane flight because for the same arrival time I was on the way earlier. If something messed up I had done all I could do.

So everything in me wants to mail the paperwork. But I've contacted lawyers in France and Canada and they both say I cannot. It needs to be him. And he's not doing it. And there is nothing I can do to make him do it.

I'm terrified. I want to be divorced. I don't want to be married to him. I want closure, I want it to be over. Once the Canadian part is done I'll need several more months to get it recognised in France. And only then can I apply to get a fiancÚ visa to the US to get together with Seamus, which would take 6-8 months.
But... I wanted to be divorced in the meantime. I wanted some time to live my own life without being chained to my past or my future. I wanted to be independent for a little bit.

Now, it's looking like that would mean years away from Seamus, and I wouldn't stand it. I know I wouldn't. I didn't want to jump from one marriage to the next but the longer the divorce takes the more likely it is that I'll "have" to.

And it all makes me very sad. When I broke up with Raga, I had a lot of trust in him. Trust that he had it in him to be happy, grow as a person, realise he was worth it, etc. But also trust that we would have each other's backs because not being a couple didn't mean we couldn't be loving friends anymore.
But as he did so many times while we were together, he broke my trust. He left me feel betrayed, had, stupid for trusting him over and over again, stupid for defending him to other people who didn't trust him and who he ultimately proved wrong.

And it makes me very said (I know, I said so already). Not only because feeling betrayed and let down constantly like that sucks, but because it means he hasn't changed. We've been separated for seven months and he's every bit the same procrastinating person as he used to be. I really, really hoped that being away from me and having to learn to stand on his own two feet and to trust himself would allow him to change and grow. And he hasn't. And that's the worst part, because when I broke up with him, I know I was making him suffer, but I really thought that in the long run he'd be better off. Now I'm not sure.
I mean, I still think I was right to break up, for a variety of reasons, and I definitely think staying with him would have been using him, so I didn't do it despite all the advantages it would have given me, and that was definitely a right call, as hard as everything has been ever since.
But now I'm kind of losing hope that he'll ever be better. And that's a terrible thought. I still love him, and I want him to be happy, I want him to feel good about himself and in general, and I'm worried it might not happen.

I guess it will, but it's taking longer than I would have wanted it to. I just hope he can sort things out before getting into another relationship as another crutch, lest it happen all over again. Not saying that every situation would be similar, but... I really feel it's a journey he has to take on his own. I thought he was doing so much better when we became a couple and he was under NRE, but little by little I realised every single thing was still there, and poisoning the relationship, and becoming worse and worse.

Anyway... I've been very stressed out. Then today I asked for a 4 months visa and they refused it from me. I waited an hour, then a guy called me, I faced him, he looked at the paperwork I had given before my wait, then looked at me and went "wanna stay for four months? That's too long. You could travel for 3 months without a visa so I'll give you a visa for three months. Have a nice day" and that was it.
In a way I'm relieved that it's over, and that I wasn't told I'm not allowed to travel to the US at all or something. On the other hand, it feels like a complete waste of time and money.
I don't know, maybe it will help at the border.

Oh, speaking of procrastination, Raga has had some stuff he said he'd send since February, and he still hasn't, so I guess the divorce isn't what he's been procrastinating on the most.

Seamus is still coming in October. So that's very, very good. But right now I'm so frustrated with everything, I just feel like rolling into a ball and crying until he gets here.
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  #128  
Old 08-12-2011, 04:40 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I've moved in my new place. I'm unsure what I'm going to do until October. I've been looking for a job still, handing resumes in supermarkets, fast food stores, video rentals, etc, and nobody got to me at all since May... Now if they do I kind of dread telling them I'm leaving in October. Would they still want to hire me? Should I not tell them anything and wait until September and give my month's notice?
That's if I find something before September of course. At this point it seems unlikely.

But my stress is much better than it has been. I'm feeling like there is some progress being done at the very least. And just because I need to wait until October to see Seamus again and most likely won't get a job in between doesn't mean I can't make progress in other ways.

I'm waiting to get the money back from Raga so I can use it to send him some stuff, and to get my plane ticket in October while I'm at it. I'm hoping it won't take too much longer to get there, he said he sent the later last week.
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  #129  
Old 08-16-2011, 06:13 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I have an update and also request for some advice.

First, the update. For the past little while (about two years) I've had a male friend that I grew closer to. In the past few weeks we really grew closer and Seamus started encouraging me to pursue things.
I have (although not much. He's pretty young, not super experienced and it's a long distance thing, so I'm taking it slow).
Now Seamus is feeling conflicted. He doesn't want to forbid me to see the guy, but he's not 100% comfortable with it either. He thinks it's a mix of not being friends with the guy (they actually had a big disagreement as Seamus's ex-roommate was a close friend of J's - my friend - and it went bad between the two of them.
Now they don't really dislike each other but they don't really talk or know each other either. Seamus thinks he would feel more comfortable with a friend, someone he can trust, or at least someone he knows and can talk to. I can understand that and agree it would be for the best, but all three of us think a skype call with the three of us (or worse, just the two of them) would be incredibly awkward and make things worse.

Another thing is that because we're apart (I'm in France, Seamus is in California... J, by the way, is in Georgia) he (Seamus) can't be part of it as much as he (and I) would like. Otherwise he could be in the background some time, or just drop by behind me and say hi, or something like that which would be less drastic than lumping them in a phone call together when they don't really have much to talk about.

However Seamus doesn't think it would be fair to ask me to wait until he can meet the guy in person (unlikely to happen for about a year if not more) but I don't want to force thing if he's uncomfortable with it, either... And he feels bad about my restraining myself and told me not to. So it's kind of a lose-lose situation for him I guess.

I have no clue what kind of advice you can give, but he'd really like to know what other people have to say about the whole thing. Also, the relationship with J would be a FWB kind of thing, at least that's the plan, there is no telling how things might evolve.

Any contribution is much welcome.
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  #130  
Old 08-18-2011, 03:19 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I'm disappointed nobody had any advice! But that might be less needed now... The situation has evolved.
First, Seamus slept on it and is feeling much better about the whole thing.
Afterwards though, stuff happened.
J actually had another FWB. He didn't mention her because their relationship status was a secret so he wanted to check with her before telling me. When he got to talk to her he told her about me, less to ask for permission to see me and more to let her know and ask if he could tell me about them (as that's relevant, knowing your sex partners' sex partners).
Nothing had really happened by then and he honestly though everything would be fine.
Turns out he was wrong. She objected. A lot. She said she wanted them to be exclusive, which he was completely unaware of. She said to let me know that they were "together" and that she didn't want me and J to do anything.

So he told me that, he apologised, he seemed to think I was going to hate him and stop being his friend and he was the worst person in the world or something. He said he shouldn't have assumed it would be fine. (The other FWB is also online, they haven't met in person either).
Then he added that he really didn't feel like having any sort of exclusive thing and he was worried about her expectations being different from his own and that maybe she had feelings for him he couldn't reciprocate. He was really worried about hurting her.

Anyways, yesterday was a long succession of her calling him to tell her how she felt, again and again. The first time she explained that yes, she know they were FWBs and didn't expect anything more, but she felt it was more respectful to be exclusive. Then later she talked about how she sacrificed so much (things he apparently didn't ask from her and wasn't even aware of) and she was just asking for this one thing (exclusivity) in return.
Then she said she didn't want to compete with anyone else.
Then she said she'd be willing to be open to keep him, but not with me.

He told her they needed to stop it, that it wouldn't work, that he couldn't be in an exclusive thing, that he didn't want a relationship, and that being open would obviously make her miserable (and him too, I'm sure). She apparently kept to try convincing him and guilt tripping him, and later was calling him again although he didn't answer anymore.

He said he didn't know what to do for her to understand, that he was trying to be nice but he might have to end up being a jerk. He seems to feel like he's the worst person in the world and did everything wrong and hurt everyone.
I tried to be supportive as a friend, but he seems pretty depressed now.

I don't know where that leaves me. Seamus thinks it doesn't change anything in the end, that if he's not with his FWB anymore it's like he never was with her. I disagree. I think he would be too worried about her feelings. I think from the second she said she wasn't comfortable with it, it made him not comfortable with it either. Because he wants to stay friends with her, he wouldn't want to hurt her, so he wouldn't do anything with me that she'd know about, and he's not the kind to do something behind people's backs either.

Still, I guess it's wait and see, but for now I'm considering myself his friend, back to before it all happened, and if he's ever interested I'll be ready, but if he isn't, well I'm aware it's a distinct possibility.

Maybe after she gets over him, then it will feel fine to do it. But that might take years. That might never happen. He might get a girlfriend in the meantime and be exclusive (he's mono). So yeah, not counting on anything.
I had a great time flirting with him though. And it feels better knowing that I wasn't rejected by him, that he was very willing and all, and that it was just a bad set of circumstances.
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