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  #11  
Old 07-27-2010, 03:04 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CowleyRoad View Post
She says I can't do anything to lose her. I'll never know if that's true unless it happens.
I love this statement. I see the truth in it because no person can accurately predict what they will respond like to a situation without actually experiencing it. Some times you just have to trust and take that step though...it's an internal debate of worth versus cost. We can mitigate the risk by listening to more than just the words we hear.

Good luck
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  #12  
Old 07-27-2010, 03:06 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Speaking as someone who has never been in your situation... I can't help but draw the parallel to what this would look like if this were two individuals rather than two couples feeling this way. One really wanting to get together again, the other unsure. Wouldn't the answer in that case be pretty clear -that they needed to get to know one another a little better before having sex again? I'd vote for the 4 of you, and parts thereof, spending some more time together doing other things, including talking but also just ordinary clothed fun. Dating, sort of. Then the other couple isn't getting a complete brush off, but your wife gets some time to figure out how she really feels about them, and what she wants (and you do too). Put on the brakes, since no one knows which way to steer.

Also, please turn your wife into a "giggly, quivering multiorgasmic mass" asap. The world needs as much of that as possible!
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  #13  
Old 07-27-2010, 07:19 AM
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Originally Posted by CowleyRoad View Post
There is part of me that says, yes, I want to lie next to B again, and use what my wife calls "the hidden talents" to turn her into a giggly, quivering multiorgasmic mass. I think we'd all feel that was flattering, to have someone feel that way at their touch. But at the expense of losing my wife, no, I can't do that. She says I can't do anything to lose her. I'll never know if that's true unless it happens.
This indicates to me that you don't necessarily have a poly relationship with them and perhaps it would be helpful to see it as simply "open." I notice you didn't say, I can't wait to sit beside her and talk about life the universe and everything... you talk about sex... if you don't love her or them, then it's just a couple you like to have sex with. End of story; no problems, no worries... just as long as she (they) doesn't fall in love with you. That would mean actually having emotions rather than feeling horny.

Just a thought. Perhaps you and your wife are over thinking this.
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  #14  
Old 08-03-2010, 09:37 PM
CowleyRoad CowleyRoad is offline
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I haven't posted an update in a while and I figure that I should now.

So my wife and I went back and forth on meeting B and H again. Eventually my wife confessed that her concern was that she either might feel rejected or might lose me. I assured her that nothing could make her lose me, and that I was afraid I might lose her instead. I suppose sometimes even if you talk over something for years (as we did) you still can't be sure how you'll feel when it happens. We decided that we weren't emotionally ready for a poly relationship, but we both felt that we did want to see B and H one more time for sexy times. My wife thought all of us were nervous the first time around and the second time might be better, and I agreed.

So we met up again with B and H for a sex-only meeting. And the sex was awesome...for me and B. Afterward my wife admitted that H was a--how should I put this--brute-force lover. It was obvious to me that she wasn't enjoying H's attentions, but she was really enjoying watching me and B. My wife tried to have fun with B as well but was so sore from H's pounding that she couldn't. (Geez, I didn't intend to write like this, but it is important for the resolution, trust me.) We'd always agreed that if this wasn't fun for the both of us it shouldn't continue, and, even though my wife enjoyed the voyeuristic aspect of it, it wasn't difficult for us to decide that it might be a good idea to end this. As my wife said (and again sorry this is TMI) "I don't need to be turned into hamburger."

So, the end, right? Well, I thought so...till we got a message from B which was all over the map. "If you don't want (CowleyRoad) to meet up with me alone, that's OK!" Wait...what about H? "We can still be friends...or maybe something more...we just have so much to offer each other!" Yipe. Seems that B wants to make an end-run around H, and that's bad, because she's the one interested in polyamory, not him. So up until now we'd been thinking, right, we'll end this, no hard feelings on either side--but it does appear B wants things to continue in some way. Gah, we weren't ready for this. Especially after my wife had said semi-seriously that she might be up for seeing B without H...but quickly added she would never try to hurt H's feelings that way. And even though I am totally on board with ending it, it's still hard on a primal level to resist the siren call of B. We didn't want to go without hurting B, but it looks like that might happen anyway.

Mainly, all of this has brought me a new understanding of different lifestyles. We talked about this for years and it is still emotionally draining for us! Those of you who are in this lifestyle (and still have cared to take the time to help me out, thank you so much ), I have the utmost respect for you. This was just too much for us to handle. It was great that my wife could explore her bisexuality and that she could "share the wealth" as she put it, but it's time to step back.
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  #15  
Old 08-03-2010, 11:18 PM
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With all due respect for anyone with a different definition of poly for themselves; to me you didn't experience poly at all. You experienced swinging. A relationship based on sex hook ups, for me, is very different than poly. So, just to let you know, your comment about those of us being in this lifestyle I did not take as being directed to me or anyone here on a poly forum. At least in accordance to my poly description of myself anyway. It might be semantics, but just incase you decide to try again with others or tell people you tried poly, it might be worth prefacing your discussions with others and thoughts on the topic with "my description of poly is getting together to have sex with people I care about"... or, "my poly would mean getting to know you and love you before taking it to the next level" if in fact that fits better.

I don't mean to sound snarky, I realize I might come off as such, but I just get a little concerned when people try stuff out and then diss it because it didn't work for them and might not be using a term that fits the description of what they actually were trying out. Does that make sense?

I'm sorry it didn't work out though. It sounds like you had some fun sexy times and really sometimes that is all it is. That is fun too. It sounds like you took it for what it was and are moving on. It doesn't sound to me like they wanted more than some fucking. Doesn't sound like you want more than that either. Perhaps "swingers" is a good term to identify with for you?
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  #16  
Old 08-12-2010, 03:26 PM
CowleyRoad CowleyRoad is offline
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Well, redpepper, I would have agreed...but then last night...

So my wife was convinced that B and H weren't into her, at all. I suppose that she has some serious self-esteem issues at times, and it's hard for her sometimes to view a situation in a neutral light. Last night she said she wanted to call B, and apologize for a lot of things, and wish her well. And I told her, OK, you do that.

As I smiled behind her.

You see (as B made it abundantly clear to her in what became a two-hour-plus phone call) B has a massive crush on my wife. I can't say I didn't see that coming, because she'd been dropping hints in e-mails to us, and B and I had been sending a few texts--approved, I should stress, by my wife--where she had sort of hinted at that. I had been trying to tell my wife this, but she was so convinced she was unlovable and unattractive that it wasn't coming through. Well, B brought out the clue bat last night, and I think she got the message. They had a wonderful (I assume--I left them alone to it and all I could hear from the other side of the house was giggling) woman-to-woman chat, and when it was over, my wife was a rather changed woman.

So the last twelve hours have seen a lot of conversation between us. I think secretly this is what my wife wanted. In the past, she'd hinted that she could see joining a triad/quad "if it was with the right people". So are B and H the right people, I asked? "Maybe." Before, she was unhappy about what was going on between B and I...now she thinks she is crushing on both of us and she's...well, I leave that up to your imagination on how she's feeling. She's already told B that she wants the four of us to meet up again...and that she wants to meet up with B alone to go shopping (as you do). Kind of a 180, yes.

So have we made the transition from swinging to a relationship? Not yet. But it's getting closer, I think.
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  #17  
Old 08-15-2010, 05:09 PM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
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Possibly....I think the important thing about poly is that there are a full spectrum of options for each relationship, and that the people involved need to figure out what works best for them.

Problems occur when people can't agree and try to force a relationship to be something that doesn't work for everyone involved- like your wife does not want a sexual relationship with H. It's not fair to expect her to, but it shouldn't be a matter of either she has to have sex with H or all of you have to retreat to monogamy. It's hard to have 4 people all click together as a quad, but there are plenty of ways for 4 people to work well as part of a poly network. Maybe your wife and B could end up having a relationship, just them. Or maybe B could date you and your wife, and H will meet someone else who is more sexually compatible with him, and all 5 of you could hang out and play boardgames but have separate sexy times. Each relationship between 2 individuals is it's own unique blend of friendship, sex, & romance, and poly relationships are still relationships between 2 individuals, who are also in relationships with other individuals, and those relationships will interact and play off each other, but it's still a collection of unique individual relationships, not some kind of hive mind where everyone falls in love with everyone else at the same time and in the same way.
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  #18  
Old 08-17-2010, 05:10 PM
CowleyRoad CowleyRoad is offline
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Well this is turning into something that I'm having trouble handling. Even though I'm not trying to handle it alone.

My wife and B met up and spent a nice day together. A friendly day in public, a lot of teasing affection. I think they've rather fallen for each other. And last night she talked to B and H for over an hour. B and I have agreed to talk tomorrow, and the four of us are meeting up for a friendly get together on Friday.

So what is wrong? Oh it just feels like every move is fraught with worry! Just last night: B was in tears because she worried about something that might hurt me. My wife was too nervous to let me talk. B and H worried we might not like their lifestyle. And I worried about all four of us.

I know it's time for all of us to calm down, to take things slower. But it's not an easy thing to do in any circumstance , let alone when the attraction between B and my wife and I is so. ..there. B wants us to dial back and not mention the "p-word" or our mutual crushes in front of H who's not ready. And my wife wants me to keep my hands off B, which I can (just) do. I WANT to be friends with B and H because I truly like them as people. But I enjoy B in another way as well...I do want to hold her and talk about everything and nothing for hours. And she wants that as well...and I know she wants that. But now is not the right time.

So now, the limbo. Beautiful and scary at the same time .

Last edited by CowleyRoad; 08-17-2010 at 05:12 PM.
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  #19  
Old 08-17-2010, 07:22 PM
CowleyRoad CowleyRoad is offline
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Looking at what I wrote, I meant to say "my wife wants me to keep my hands off B when H is around. " Just to clarify. She is OK with us being physically affectionate as long as she knows about it...as am I with her.
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  #20  
Old 08-17-2010, 08:27 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I'm a bit confused by the title of this thread. Which ones are the "three monos" and which one is the "one poly"? I think I might have missed an episode or something. It seems that there should be more than "one poly" if you have a "quad" situation.
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