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  #1  
Old 10-18-2012, 05:04 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Default On getting a kick out of couples

I have a thing for happy couples, there's no denying it. I am in no way a couple-hunting would-be-unicorn -- I'm well aware that relationships form between individuals, not between a person and a structure ("the couple"), and that angling for any particular configuration to emerge from a given multi-person attraction is folly -- but I do get couple-crushes that are as much about the relationship and the unit as they are about the individuals involved, truth be told.

I love seeing the different ways that people build successful interpersonal dynamics, I love observing the cocoon, the pocket universe, that dyads create within themselves. And the hotness, yow. The looks that couples that are really in sync and in love and in lust give each other, the way they touch, the ease, getting to watch that is just awesome. And getting to participate in it... I just don't have words, it's intense! Exploring an individual can be as powerful and deep and meaningful as can be, of course, there's *no* replacing that if you want to build deep connections. But getting to slide into the established sexual and relational patterns of a couple, that experience of being surrounded, I could just die. Love it. I've never been on the other side of the equation, part of a couple inviting in a third person. Maybe I'd like it very much, but in the abstract it doesn't hold the same visceral appeal to me.

I wonder if it's laziness, in part. Wanting to enjoy the unique flavor of the bond that comes from deep understanding and intimacy without putting in the hard, scary work of building that myself. I don't know, maybe it *is* a little lazy, or a little greedy, but on the other hand it's not like I've never put in the time myself before -- I had a primary, co-habiting partnership of 3 years that I worked hard at -- and it's not like I delude myself into thinking that I'm actually entitled to maintain the same level of intimacy and bond with a couple as that they share amongst themselves just because they let me in for a little while -- that sort of thing has to be earned, and it won't necessarily happen equally with both members.

It's a huge trust, a huge gift, to get to snuggle into a shape that's been made for you between two people who love each other very much, but I know better than to accept any declarations of "equality" in that sort of situation. There is an inherent power imbalance when you're coming in from the outside... you simply can't, on a very important level, make up for years of intimate association with pure passion. Though, to be fair to those I've seen who've done a good job with it, if all three partners are committed, you can try to get to a place of actual equality, and quite possibly accelerate the process.

So, I'm just curious, does anyone else relate to this at all? Any thoughts about individual people engaging with both halves of a couple, beyond the usual "We want a gf who'll love us both equally and be exclusive with us and move in right away" versus "Ugh, please go away unicorn hunters, GO AWAY" debate.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #2  
Old 10-18-2012, 03:25 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
So, I'm just curious, does anyone else relate to this at all? Any thoughts about individual people engaging with both halves of a couple, beyond the usual "We want a gf who'll love us both equally and be exclusive with us and move in right away" versus "Ugh, please go away unicorn hunters, GO AWAY" debate.

I've had "couple crushes" a few times in my life, when I was in my 20's. I've never acted on them or been approached to act on them, but I get what you're saying about being attracted to the "energy" between two other people.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 10-18-2012 at 10:53 PM. Reason: Delete hijack
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Old 10-18-2012, 06:14 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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  #4  
Old 10-19-2012, 01:06 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Curly and I figured out early on that we weren't interested in hunting unicorns. Yeah, there were some idle fantasies about possibly meeting somebody who rocked both of our worlds; though never any serious thought.

I know that at least one of the ladies I've dated thought the very idea of getting involved with Curly in addition to me just really creepy. I'll posit that as the other end of the spectrum from your experience.

I found myself agreeing with that notion quite strongly, actually. Faced with the possibility of that actually happening--a bisexual wife and a bisexual amorata--I was distinctly uncomfortable with the thought. I don't think I'd be comfortable with that, when it comes down to it.

I have wondered what it would be like to get involved with a couple of ladies I know who are involved with each other. I never thought of it as getting involved with a couple, though, so I'm not certain the experience is the same as yours.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #5  
Old 10-19-2012, 11:33 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I'm straight and don't know of any couple made of two bisexual men... but I have to say that I've experienced something similar with an opposite sex couple, except it was a crush on the male part of the couple, and a strong "metamour crush" on the female. That is, I really wanted to get involved with him, but I also really wanted her as my metamour.

I think people who are in a happy, healthy relationship are attractive because they have already proven they can do it right.
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  #6  
Old 10-20-2012, 06:13 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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I was thinking about your post this morning.

During the 7 or so years I spent being happily solo, I was not open to romantic relationships. I wasn't interested and most of the time if I was with friends who are in relationships, I couldn't understand why they were willing to put up with the restrictions that those relationships placed upon their lives.

Anyway there during those years the only time I ever had a yearning for a close, committed, romantic relationship was with a couple I am friends with. Watching them together makes me smile they are so relaxed and loving with each other. Sometimes I'd have dinner with them and go home wishing that I could go out with each of them. I have a very different relationship with each of those people and am much closer to one than the other but both of them are attractive to me but more than that their dynamic is attractive.

Over the course of the years, they were the only time I felt tempted to possibly look for something other than the lifestyle I was enjoying so much. Sadly, it had to remain a fantasy my friends are not attracted to women and so I enjoyed and continue to enjoy them from afar.
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  #7  
Old 10-20-2012, 03:11 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
I think people who are in a happy, healthy relationship are attractive because they have already proven they can do it right.
We (both the "we" that is our Vee, and the "we" here on the forums) have talked about this before and I agree totally.

Dude had, facetiously, decided that he is only dating married women from now on since his experiences thus far (i.e. me) had worked out so well while his experiences with "single" girls had been rockier. I pointed out that he was leaving out a factor - and that he should probably leave the "unhappily-married-and-looking-to-leave-their-husband" women out if he is looking to avoid drama.

He has amended his facetious decision to state that he is only going to date HAPPILY married women. Which, I pointed out, was going to seriously limit his dating pool - 1.) Happily Married 2.) open to dating others 3.) attracted to/attractive to him. He said we were "worth waiting for"

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #8  
Old 10-20-2012, 06:04 PM
islandgy9 islandgy9 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I have a thing for happy couples, there's no denying it. I am in no way a couple-hunting would-be-unicorn -- I'm well aware that relationships form between individuals, not between a person and a structure ("the couple"), and that angling for any particular configuration to emerge from a given multi-person attraction is folly -- but I do get couple-crushes that are as much about the relationship and the unit as they are about the individuals involved, truth be told.

I love seeing the different ways that people build successful interpersonal dynamics, I love observing the cocoon, the pocket universe, that dyads create within themselves. And the hotness, yow. The looks that couples that are really in sync and in love and in lust give each other, the way they touch, the ease, getting to watch that is just awesome. And getting to participate in it... I just don't have words, it's intense! Exploring an individual can be as powerful and deep and meaningful as can be, of course, there's *no* replacing that if you want to build deep connections. But getting to slide into the established sexual and relational patterns of a couple, that experience of being surrounded, I could just die. Love it. I've never been on the other side of the equation, part of a couple inviting in a third person. Maybe I'd like it very much, but in the abstract it doesn't hold the same visceral appeal to me.

I wonder if it's laziness, in part. Wanting to enjoy the unique flavor of the bond that comes from deep understanding and intimacy without putting in the hard, scary work of building that myself. I don't know, maybe it *is* a little lazy, or a little greedy, but on the other hand it's not like I've never put in the time myself before -- I had a primary, co-habiting partnership of 3 years that I worked hard at -- and it's not like I delude myself into thinking that I'm actually entitled to maintain the same level of intimacy and bond with a couple as that they share amongst themselves just because they let me in for a little while -- that sort of thing has to be earned, and it won't necessarily happen equally with both members.

It's a huge trust, a huge gift, to get to snuggle into a shape that's been made for you between two people who love each other very much, but I know better than to accept any declarations of "equality" in that sort of situation. There is an inherent power imbalance when you're coming in from the outside... you simply can't, on a very important level, make up for years of intimate association with pure passion. Though, to be fair to those I've seen who've done a good job with it, if all three partners are committed, you can try to get to a place of actual equality, and quite possibly accelerate the process.

So, I'm just curious, does anyone else relate to this at all? Any thoughts about individual people engaging with both halves of a couple, beyond the usual "We want a gf who'll love us both equally and be exclusive with us and move in right away" versus "Ugh, please go away unicorn hunters, GO AWAY" debate.
"So, I'm just curious, does anyone else relate to this at all? Any thoughts about individual people engaging with both halves of a couple, beyond the usual "We want a gf who'll love us both equally and be exclusive with us and move in right away" versus "Ugh, please go away unicorn hunters, GO AWAY" debate."

I totally get it/feel it!
The first couple... Well, second (- the first couple didn't pan out...) mf couple I was with, I actually felt a 'click', like something that was missing in my life suddenly fell in sinc with the universe. It was an actual acute sensation that truly helped put my life in perspective. It was an incredible feeling.
That was 8 years ago. I still see them at least once or twice a month.
My 'story' has been posted here in the past and the folks here have helped me tremendously. I call my awareness 'a different way of being'.
Although I initiated my involvement with deception (I was married at the time). I have since eliminated deception from my life, thus my being totally honest about 'my different way of being.'

My couple friends T-male & J-female are married. Our relationship started from an ad in a swinger site and was purely sexual at first but it has evolved over the years so that in some ways I believe the three of us have our own seperate life together, apart from our regular lives. Although still primarily sexual, we have grown in ways greater than each of our individual entities were capable of. Like AnnabelMore stated, being in the presence of two people who love each other and are expressing their love through physical intimacy is incredible. Knowing my wanted presence gives them even more pleasure for each other is the ultimate for me.
T is truly unique in that he derives great erotic pleasure knowing his wife is recieving pleasure from another man. It's kind of like a loving cuckold with no humiliation. With his encouragement/urging, J and I have developed a relationship in adition to our threesomes. We meet now and again just the two of us. Although T is not actually present at these times, the trust we have with each of us enhances the bond that they share. I know I am a cared for aspect in their relationship and it makes me feel great that I can ad a joyful aspect to what they share with each other.
I've tried to explain this to a few people and I get looks ranging from absolute horror to complete disbelief...
I'm glad somebody else 'gets it'.
Thanks AnnabelMore
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  #9  
Old 10-20-2012, 07:31 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Omg, thank you so much for posting, Island. Your relationships with T and J sounds truly beautiful, and congrats on where you are in terms of honesty in your life.

"I've tried to explain this to a few people and I get looks ranging from absolute horror to complete disbelief... I'm glad somebody else 'gets it'. Thanks AnnabelMore"

I mostly don't ever talk about it in my real life, except for with one very kinky friend. I was nervous about bringing it up here, not knowing how people would respond. It means so so much to me to have someone else say they know exactly what I mean!! And you're welcome, too.

Thanks also to everyone else who had posted so far with related thoughts.
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #10  
Old 11-09-2012, 04:30 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default I can sort of relate

But not in the same way. Not that I have extensive experience with couples, but my experience was more as a relationship to the couple rather than to each as an individual. I know that most people would claim that by that aspect alone my view or experience is very unrealistic or too shiny to be real, and they can think what they want, but those interactions were thought of by the three of Us to be as we experienced it and not what others told Us it was.

I am of the opinion that when it comes to sex, a highly sexual woman may be better suited to engage with two men rather than one. In a way, I always considered sex with a couple to be like the non-sexual relationship of a V because I don't consider myself bi-sexual, however when three people are engaging in sex and I am one of the three participants the thought of the other two being male and female is more arousing then two females.

But then again, I have never actually been part of a "poly" relationship. I've had open relationships that didn't work out and in the past dated a woman who unbeknownst to me was poly and both wreaked havoc in my life to the point where there I no longer maintain any contact.

My experience with couples has been what some may describe as more casual in nature but that is not at all how any of Us three would describe it. My experience is that it can be an extremely rewarding friendship to all three involved, especially when the male half of the couple has a fetish/kink/whatever name you want to call it where he gets off watching his spouse/girlfriend have sex as well as participating in said sex. I can't speak for him as only he could tell you how he felt, but from his speech it definitely seemed to me that he got more gratification from not physically participating but watching and instructing his spouse to do what he liked to see. So my view point is may fit in to more of a kink world than poly, but from my experience one female with two males seems to work much better than one male with two females although I suppose the sexuality may play a bigger part then gender does so maybe one male with two females who were bi-sexual with more emphasis on their attraction to females as apposed to males might work just as well as mfm.
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