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  #31  
Old 07-21-2010, 10:56 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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If I had to decide who I was taking on a trip that never ended, I would take my son. End of story. I love my husband, I love my partners but I will always love him the most. He is what I live for.

Dating in Canada is just the same in many ways. A long arduous journey of finding who fits my life. I dated about 50 men before finding my Mono and I will not give him up easily. He is a gem. I had my share of dud dating. I think there is not difference in western society. The pool got bigger because of on line dating and that choice factor has made it harder. I have a whole philosophy about the more culture we live in and what "choice" has done to us. Another forum perhaps :P

You know you can ask her not to text and take phone calls while you are together. You can ask for whatever you want to make you feel comfortable. That's what it is all about. Finding comfort. She doesn't have to give you everything you ask for as she has her own comforts, but that is where negotiation starts.

She is probably saying whatever she says to you to them too. We all devault to what works and if that is working for her then she will use it. That being said, you could very well be her favorite and that is okay too. I had favorites back when I was dating as she is now, looking for people who suit, looking for a good "group" as you put it.

As to married polys, some people start in marriage. Same journey, yet different.

Keep reading and talking. You seem to be on a path to discovery and see learning some stuff on the way. Who could ask for more really. That is what life is about
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  #32  
Old 07-21-2010, 10:59 PM
monopolylover monopolylover is offline
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
your absolutely right. People shitty at relationships are shitty at relationships. Period. Mono, poly, or anything.
well now thats negative. At least I'm still out here trying despite what I've dealt with. I know I may just get a big fat helping of FU all over again but I have faith that I'm doing my best and that I could be happy.
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  #33  
Old 07-21-2010, 11:01 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by monopolylover View Post
well now thats negative. At least I'm still out here trying despite what I've dealt with. I know I may just get a big fat helping of FU all over again but I have faith that I'm doing my best and that I could be happy.
Sorry I don't think that is negative...it wasn't directional. Just saying, people who are bad at relationships, are bad at any relationships. ...it isn't a poly thing, or a mono thing. Its a people thing
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  #34  
Old 07-21-2010, 11:22 PM
monopolylover monopolylover is offline
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Sorry I don't think that is negative...it wasn't directional. Just saying, people who are bad at relationships, are bad at any relationships. ...it isn't a poly thing, or a mono thing. Its a people thing
True, and I have been with a lot of people very bad at relationships And those that were good, I was being bad. I like the advice I've gotten here. It has helped.
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  #35  
Old 07-25-2011, 09:32 AM
monopolylover monopolylover is offline
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Default Wow, was that horrible

well folks, I'm now about six months with this relationship behind me. i decided to visit upon this thread again and see what the gullible moron that I was had to say about the relationship I was in.

WOW,.. was I ever one blindsided jackass. This girl had me buying all kinds of stupid BS. She turned out to be nothing but a con artists using polyamoy to run several cons at once. Pure Narcissistic Personality Disorder at its finest.

One thing that stands out about it though. I did better as a mono in a relationship with a (what i thought to be) poly than any mono/poly relationship I'd ever heard of. in theory, I'd make a great poly. But that would be far to complicated for me at the end of the day. Especially in America. This is just not mature enough a dating pool.
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  #36  
Old 07-25-2011, 04:55 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by monopolylover View Post
This is just not mature enough a dating pool.
Geez, thanks a fucking lot for that.

Sorry to hear it didn't work out for you, but don't blame polyamory or the polyamorous community. Since the common denominator in your relationships is YOU, perhaps you are picking the "wrong" people or setting up some dynamic that invited or encouraged the craziness. Though it feels good to have someone else to blame or an excuse to point to when things go sour, why not ask yourself what your part in it was? Instead of laying blame on the polyamorous "dating pool." How arrogant! Relationships are not 50/50 -- they are 100% each person's responsibility. Bitterness will get you nowhere, but open-eyed self-examination will give you self-knowledge, which is everything.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 07-25-2011 at 06:27 PM.
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  #37  
Old 07-25-2011, 06:11 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by monopolylover View Post
One thing that stands out about it though. I did better as a mono in a relationship with a (what i thought to be) poly than any mono/poly relationship I'd ever heard of. in theory, I'd make a great poly. But that would be far to complicated for me at the end of the day. Especially in America. This is just not mature enough a dating pool.
Wow. Really? We're doing really well actually after 2 and a half years. Sorry it didn't work out, but please don't put your shit on any one else.
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  #38  
Old 07-25-2011, 06:52 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I could be completely wrong, but I took that statement to mean that AMERICA is a fairly immature dating pool.

And I would agree with that in a general sense, in that it can be difficult to find people who are genuine, caring, honest and capable of good communication. Not that they aren't out there, by any means (I read enough people on here that are very intelligent, well spoken and introspective) but you do end up sorting through a lot of people with poor communication skills and an interesting view of what honesty means. There's a lot of game playing out there in the dating world...
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  #39  
Old 07-25-2011, 08:11 PM
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I could be completely wrong, but I took that statement to mean that AMERICA is a fairly immature dating pool.
hm. Possible. What say you monopolylover? Sounds like this woman gave you a skewed view of poly, regardless.
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  #40  
Old 07-25-2011, 11:34 PM
monopolylover monopolylover is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Geez, thanks a fucking lot for that.

Sorry to hear it didn't work out for you, but don't blame polyamory or the polyamorous community. Since the common denominator in your relationships is YOU, perhaps you are picking the "wrong" people or setting up some dynamic that invited or encouraged the craziness. Though it feels good to have someone else to blame or an excuse to point to when things go sour, why not ask yourself what your part in it was? Instead of laying blame on the polyamorous "dating pool." How arrogant! Relationships are not 50/50 -- they are 100% each person's responsibility. Bitterness will get you nowhere, but open-eyed self-examination will give you self-knowledge, which is everything.
ummmm,.. yeah, it sure was my fault that she had defrauded two people to invest in a business that didn't exist, was lying to another "partner" getting the poor guy to send thousands in cash to help her by making him think that her mother was dying and of course lying to me and yet another guy about being "cheated on" to win sympathy. Then tryin to pull the same psycho scams on us when we decided we had had enough.

I'm sorry but I've been in good relationships before. Unfortunately the ones with people who claimed to be poly were total BS.

I am not saying that there are real polys out there or that the concept is flawed. that is what YOU are putting into the conversation, not me.
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