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Old 07-17-2010, 09:57 AM
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jawz78 jawz78 is offline
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Ok, so I am unsure what I am, or we (my wife included) are. It's a long story, but I'll try to sum up most of it here...

My wife and I dated for ten years, and then married last year. We have two children and I love her very, very much. We decided (about a year and a half ago) to try swinging. In doing this we learned a lot about ourselves and each other. We only really met one other couple, and never did anything more than some hot make out sessions. When we first began the whole swinging ordeal we decided we wanted the whole friends in and out of the bedroom and had no desire to go bed jumping with strangers.

Here's where the "sum up" begins... We came clean about past infidelities (while we were dating) and then got married. Since the wedding we have been more open and honest with everything. We have no secrets, even down to who either of us find attractive.

This is when the side tracking begins... The couple we were trying to "swing" with broke up (completely unrelated to swinging). We had become very close friends with them both. He stayed in touch with us, she (for whatever reason) did not. Since then, my wife and him have continued where they left off. She now refers to him as her boyfriend. The odd thing is, it seems to have gone from attempted swinging to (what I am beginning to think is) poly.

Him and his kids (who have become close friends with our kids) come to our house at least five times a week. My wife will go on "dates" with him, or just go to his house and hang out with him. We really have no rules when it comes to this. We do have boundaries, but we share those with him as well. She assures me I come first, and at any time I want her to break it off, she will. I believe her, but I know it would hurt her to lose him.

I see how happy he makes her. I see how much fun she has with him. It's been a year and a half and they still have not had sex, but he is more than a friend to her. They kiss and cuddle, which does not bother me at all. I like to see her happy. We have a system to ovoid any confusion, since we are all three friends (which is turning into all of our best and closest friends). She will lean in and whisper to me "is it ok if I implement boyfriend time". This for the most part means, we round up the kids, either bed times or find something to occupy them and we head out to the deck. I do not always accompany them, but I am more than welcome to. Basically the only thing that changes is they have a green light to touch more intimately. Before she goes out with him she always ask if I mind, and never goes behind my back.

Wow, this post is turning extremely long so I'll get to my questions...
Does this sound like some sort of extended swinging, even though there is no sex? I know its not that sex is off the table, they just for whatever reason have not gone that far. She says she does not mind if I get a girlfriend of my own. I often wonder if that's just because she feels bad that she has a boyfriend and I have to share her. And if I was to find my own girlfriend, when do I bring up my situation? Do I only find people in this lifestyle or is this something that you wait three dates to bring up? I don't want sex, my wife gives me that, I want what she has. Neither of them have said "I love you", but I know they are there or at the very least, very close to it.

The only time I get jealous is when I feel like I'm the third wheel, but if I bring it up, she will include me more. And then I'll be find. I love her, and I like him very much. I'm just confused... as to what we are doing here, and where we are going. I have no doubts she will never leave. I have no doubts that she loves me. I understand the concept of loving multiple partners, I've done that in the past (it's just in my situation, they didn't know about each other). Any insight would really, really help....
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Old 07-17-2010, 03:18 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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It sounds to me like a poly relationship that is working well.

Congratulations .
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Old 07-17-2010, 03:21 PM
Jade Jade is offline
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Nope. This doesn't sound like swinging. It sounds like poly. The key is in the emotional connection.
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Old 07-27-2010, 09:52 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jawz78 View Post
Does this sound like some sort of extended swinging, even though there is no sex? I know its not that sex is off the table, they just for whatever reason have not gone that far.
It sounds like poly, not swinging. Especially because swinging is all about the sex, and they're not even doing that.

Quote:
She says she does not mind if I get a girlfriend of my own. I often wonder if that's just because she feels bad that she has a boyfriend and I have to share her.
Could be out of guilt, or could be because she loves you and wants you to feel as good and happy as she feels. I prefer the second interpretation, but I don't know her. Ask her!

Quote:
And if I was to find my own girlfriend, when do I bring up my situation? Do I only find people in this lifestyle or is this something that you wait three dates to bring up?
There's a lot of debate on that. The only real consensus is, before you have sex with them or use the word girlfriend with them. Aside from that, some people choose to only date people who are poly, others look at the whole dating pool but mention it before the first date, where still others wait until it looks like something might actually develop before dropping the P-bomb.

My personal choice is to tell people before I date them, in the spirit of open honesty. I'm not really interested in the work required to "convert" someone to poly who isn't already open to the idea at least.

I find that the term "open marriage" is less intimidating than "polyamorous." Although people will usually assume that means sex, I find that if someone isn't open to sharing sex, they probably aren't open to sharing love either.

Quote:
I don't want sex, my wife gives me that, I want what she has. Neither of them have said "I love you", but I know they are there or at the very least, very close to it.
While there are no rules here, I have to say that your wife's arrangement is unusual. Most romantic relationship evolve to include sex. That being said, there are more than enough people who aren't interested in sex for whatever reasons. It does narrow your dating pool, but it doesn't eliminate it.
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Old 07-27-2010, 09:50 PM
GraceSmith GraceSmith is offline
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Wow! My Husband and I are going through some of the same things right now. My Husband has a girlfriend and they do not have sex due to her boyfriend not allowing it. However, my husband and his girlfriend (? if thats what you call her) are very close emotionally she talks to my husband more than she talks to her boyfriend and yes they do cuddle some. Im like you. I enjoy seeing my husband happy. I feel your pain of being the third wheel though. My husband and I have been very open and honest with each other about how we feel as well which helps a lot. It seems so interesting that our situations are so similar. We have two kids. I am looking for someone to talk to as well. It is so difficult to find people to talk to about poly relationships without feeling like a space alien. I am very glad that you joined and I would love to talk more if you are interested.
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Old 07-28-2010, 08:07 AM
FireChild FireChild is offline
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You seem to have a good working poly relationship. Congrats! It seems like this came to yall smoothly without a great deal of strife.
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Old 07-29-2010, 06:33 PM
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celtickitten celtickitten is offline
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This sounds a lot like the situation I'm currently in, so you're definitely not alone in this. I think the key to all of this is communication and a good understanding of everyone's comfort level.

It sounds like you and your wife have a healthy level of understanding, which is great! Just remember to keep expressing your concerns to her (and to him) and I think everything will be ok.

Best of luck!
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Old 07-31-2010, 07:46 AM
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jawz78 jawz78 is offline
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Thank you to all who responded... sorry it's taken me so long to get back on here.. busy, busy, busy...

It is getting easier and overall better... but, I am very interested in finding a "girlfriend" to no avail so far though. Seems all the people I've met so far either duck, run, or strike a startled expression when they learn my situation. But, I am determined not to give up that easy. I do find it weird however, that it would have been easier to find a woman if I was cheating on my wife, rather than trying to find a woman that is OK with my wife knowing everything. lol Just silly I tell ya!
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Old 07-31-2010, 07:29 PM
anotherbo anotherbo is offline
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I'm with you on the harder to find a poly woman thing. Feels like my potential dating pool has shrunk to almost nothing.

Not such a problem at the moment, as I'm not really looking, but seems like it will be in future.

Anyhow, it does sound like you've got a healthy, loving relationship going. Kudos!


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