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  #31  
Old 06-11-2009, 08:21 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Then the answer to your initial question is relatively simple in my humble opinion.

This is not poly.

Neither your wife nor her friend are acting in a manner indicative of the openness and honesty of a polyamorous relationship. Secrets are not the way to solve issues in a marriage. I should know. I destroyed a 16 year marriage and wounded the hearts of my wife and daughter because of where my "secrets" took me.

Best of luck
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  #32  
Old 06-11-2009, 09:54 PM
RaleighGuy RaleighGuy is offline
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Here's a definition:
the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

If "everyone involved" includes his wife, then no, the relationship is not poly. But if you limit "involved" to include only my wife, and her two loves, then it would be poly, for her. Is that playing with semantics?
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  #33  
Old 06-11-2009, 10:13 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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It's playing with semantics. Why would you even ask the question if it were not? How is it that the other guy's wife is "involved" any less than you are? Just because she isn't privy to all the action doesn't make her "not involved". And I don't think a "poly relationship" can be truly "poly" to one of the participants and be an "affair" to one of the other participants.

It is what it is, but you obviously seem to have misgivings about this aspect of the relationship. You probably know all these answers deep down inside already. Sometimes people need to ask others for a reality check, and that is OK.
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  #34  
Old 06-11-2009, 11:20 PM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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Mono, RG, I think Redpepper put my thoughts into better words than I did...she said it exactly. If this other guy and his wife haven't gotten along well in years, why haven't they divorced? Would he move back to be near your wife RG, or would she leave you to go be with him? There could be a lot of pain here, like Redpepper says.
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  #35  
Old 06-12-2009, 06:29 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark1npt View Post
Your wife's definition of poly does not fit mine, as I want both women living under the same roof with me. To me, I wouldn't feel right having to drive 100 miles or more to see another women. That to me, would feel like I was going out of town to have an affair.
I drive quite far to see my boyfriend (MonoVCPHG), but he also drives here and spends time with my family and does things for us as we do for him... I don't at all feel like I am cheating. In fact I enjoy that I have an OH (other home). I go to it and relax... to me it is like a holiday and time I can completely immerse myself in my boyfriend.
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  #36  
Old 06-12-2009, 06:34 AM
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Originally Posted by RaleighGuy View Post
I suppose there is the chance that I may be wrong, maybe he's really a great guy. (it's possible that he's not the guy she thinks he is, since they haven't seen each for many years) Still, they have this emotional connection, and I'm trying to be supportive and helpful.
You are quite a remarkable man to go to such effort.

My husband has for me in similar situations of past loves coming back into my life over and over again... and even new ones out of old friendships... I have to tell you though that I have traveled to see if they are worth pursuing for the long term several times and each time it has proven to me that the relationships was far better suited to on line. All three times (twice with the same woman and once with an old friend) I have been disillusioned and ended up disappointed. I suggest that perhaps she will go through that same thing.... having said that I have a friend who only has on line romances and visits her lovers often... seems to work for her.
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  #37  
Old 06-12-2009, 07:07 AM
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Default these are my thoughts..... not my feelings!

Thanks to Mono for posting my thoughts. This whole thing has indeed made my stomach churn.

If I ruled the world I would have your wife back right away from this thing and put it to this long distant "love" that he is to leave his wife first without telling her that he is having an affair. There might be some small chance that she will come away un-damaged and with her dignity and self worth intact after dedicating a good part of her life to a marriage that has faded in passion.

Marriages are not always meant to last forever when a couple loses touch with one another and the raising kids thing is over, but to me it is never the right thing to take the "easy" route and have an affair. It's cowardly and creates a "difficult" route in it's wake. It has harmed generations at this point. Poly to me could put an end to that kind of pain being passed on... it creates larger family, more love between it's members and keeps passion alive. If this is not happening in what someone calls their poly relationship, in all corners of that relationship, then it is not poly and give poly a bad rap.

Seriously, and with a ton of respect, because I think you must love your wife very much and are admirable for sticking with her, are you not concerned about the whole on-line thing? The whole on line thing can confuse the mind and makes one virtually loving of an "idea" of a person... they can be created into anything. It is very addictive and controlling. She is showing all the symptoms of that to me and is behaving disrespectful to you and the life you have built with one another as a result. Not to mention behaving disrespectfully to the wife of this old flame. I would be worried about her statement of love for you still.... she has been deceptive already and I would find it hard to believe her again. Still you know her better than anyone.... I'm sure she is a lovely person.

As far as the emailing this dude... go for it, there is no privacy issue here. I think you should be looking at this as if he is living in the same city, because to her the distance is nothing and they will eventually find a way to be together. Either you get involved and start setting your boundaries in this thing or trouble will arise and you could be short a wife. Emailing and putting a bit of a reality check in there would be highly appropriate. They both need that I think, hell, you need it don't you?

okay, enough ranting from me... I get so passionate...

good luck. i'm rooting for you.. and the prevailing good for all four of you (it is four, because rest assured even those who are oblivious are being affected, they just don't know it yet!)
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  #38  
Old 06-12-2009, 11:51 AM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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[I][/I]"I drive quite far to see my boyfriend (MonoVCPHG), but he also drives here and spends time with my family and does things for us as we do for him... I don't at all feel like I am cheating. In fact I enjoy that I have an OH (other home). I go to it and relax... to me it is like a holiday and time I can completely immerse myself in my boyfriend. "

Redpepper, I wouldn't consider your situation cheating even though you drive a good distance to see Mono....because your husband knows what your doing....in that other relationship, the other guys wife would have no clue. To me that's a chesting situation.
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  #39  
Old 06-12-2009, 01:09 PM
RaleighGuy RaleighGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post

Seriously, and with a ton of respect, because I think you must love your wife very much and are admirable for sticking with her, are you not concerned about the whole on-line thing? The whole on line thing can confuse the mind and makes one virtually loving of an "idea" of a person... they can be created into anything. It is very addictive and controlling. She is showing all the symptoms of that to me and is behaving disrespectful to you and the life you have built with one another as a result.
I have mentioned to her, and she has acknowledged, that she's in love with a "fantasy". In her mind there is a composite of the man she knew years ago, the man she has imagined ever since, and the man she has discovered through the on-line connection. This makes her tentative in the things she is willing to say to him, or ask him, since she doesn't want to "wake up", and destroy the fantasy. And addictive is a good word, too. That may be a part of why she resisted so fiercely when I initially tried to stop the correspondence.
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  #40  
Old 06-12-2009, 02:46 PM
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Originally Posted by RaleighGuy View Post
I have mentioned to her, and she has acknowledged, that she's in love with a "fantasy". In her mind there is a composite of the man she knew years ago, the man she has imagined ever since, and the man she has discovered through the on-line connection. This makes her tentative in the things she is willing to say to him, or ask him, since she doesn't want to "wake up", and destroy the fantasy. And addictive is a good word, too. That may be a part of why she resisted so fiercely when I initially tried to stop the correspondence.
this all sounds way to familiar to me. I was very covetous of the computer and very angry when anyone came between me and my time with it. HAHa, hard to believe now. I feel like an idiot.. I have a patient husband who must love me dearly to have put up with me during that time. I totally made a fantasy out of scrapes of an old life and a youthful love that was no longer. I was looking for connection and so was she... and he. I have found that with Mono and a life that is at home, I don't need to search on line. Perhaps a long conversation about where you are both going and what you want/need would be in order to get her into reality and back on a path that is real.
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