Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 06-01-2009, 07:18 PM
RaleighGuy RaleighGuy is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
Default Poly or not?

I found out some time ago that my wife had renewed a relationship with a man from her past- more than twenty years in her past, via the internet and email. Since then, they have begun to talk on the phone occasionally, as well as daily emails. When they knew each other before, they slept together, but he lives too far away for that to happen now, except maybe on rare occasions. She will talk to me about what they say, and she admits that she loves him. He knows that I'm aware of their relationship, but I don't know if he is aware that I support my wife in doing whatever she is comfortable with to strengthen her relationship to "BF". I haven't talked to him, nor have I ever met him, since he was long gone when she and I got married. She's still a little nervous about my involvement, but gradually getting used to it. This has only been going since earlier this year. As I see it, she's polyamorous, and I'm just trying to enjoy her experience. She's not comfortable with that lable, either. Comments, questions, advice?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 06-01-2009, 07:39 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

She loves you and him. It is open and honest. I'd say you are experiencing a polyamorous relationship. There is nothing derogatory with the label. Have you considered what would happen if he was closer? Within physical range?
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 06-01-2009, 08:21 PM
RaleighGuy RaleighGuy is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
Default

Well, if he were close by, then I'm pretty sure their relationship would be physical again, and that would be Ok with me, as long as she wasn't away from home too much. You said that I'm in a poly relationship. Does that mean that wife is poly, and I'm mono, as is her other love?

Last edited by RaleighGuy; 06-01-2009 at 09:29 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 06-02-2009, 03:14 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

I will probably take a lot of flak over this, but as you are right now, that is how I would define it. I have a similar relationship with Redpepper. She is married and I am her boyfriend. I am monogamous with her and she is polyamorous. It means your wife is definitely capable of a poly relationship and I would call her polyamorous for sure.

For me being polyamorous hinges on the intimate caring. Because she loves both of you in much the same intimate way that is poly to me. I love your approach and understanding. It is rare to have such "compersion" in a monogamous mindset. I feel it towards Redpepper's husband and know it is real. That makes you special and she should recognize the benefit of how you want her to enjoy this relationship. She is special too in that she has the capacity to love in this manner.

I wish you the best of luck.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 06-02-2009, 05:14 AM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Sunny FL
Posts: 344
Default

Ditto what Mono said.......and it's wonderful that you aren't threatened by her love for another man. If she truly is capapble of loving both of you (poly) then it'll be a very rich experience for you, too.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 06-02-2009, 01:50 PM
RaleighGuy RaleighGuy is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
Default

I didn't get to this point without going through jealousy, and hurt, and anger. There is still some discomfort, too. The fact that she found "him" again, and repaired the damage from all those years ago, without my knowledge, was part of the problem. On the other hand, if she had asked first, that would probably have been a problem, too. There are other problems, too, since his wife may not clearly understand the situation. He and I have never spoken, nor emailed, and whether we should or not is a question my wife and I are considering.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 06-02-2009, 02:25 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by RaleighGuy View Post
Does that mean that wife is poly, and I'm mono, as is her other love?
I have only one lover at the moment, but since I am consciously open and willing to having another lover, besides, that makes me polyamorous. You would be polyamorous if you were also consciously willing and able and to have more than one lover at a time. You needn't even desire this to happen, you only need to be consciously willing and able to love two at a time in order to qualify for club membership .... Okay, I'm kidding. There's no club!
... in order to qualify as poly-.

[I do not use the term "lover" to refer to merely a sexual partner, but to one with whom one is mutually committed in a loving relationship of a "romantic" sort.]

- James (a.k.a., River)
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog

Last edited by River; 06-02-2009 at 02:29 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 06-02-2009, 02:31 PM
RaleighGuy RaleighGuy is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
Default

I understand- I've been in a situation before, long ago, when I loved two women at the same time. Just hasn't happened (so far) with my wife. I'm not sure how her "other" man feels about his wife, and I don't know if he's aware of the poly community, and of compersion, etc.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 06-08-2009, 01:48 AM
cjj23464 cjj23464 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 7
Default

I'm in a similar situation. My husband met a woman last summer and started a relationship with her. I didn't think our marriage would get through the summer, but with some work it did. Problem, the relationship with her that i thought was over is not. He is in love with her, and says he can't let either of us go. I'm trying to figure out how I feel about it all. It's so confusing. So many different emotions. i think he is polyamorous and I'm monogamous.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 06-08-2009, 02:43 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by cjj23464 View Post
i think he is polyamorous and I'm monogamous.

Then perhaps you are..no harm in that LOL! I'm monogamous in a polyamorous relationship and loving Redpepper more and more everyday There is nothing wrong with different natures. It's simply about being true to yourself and your needs to be healthy and happy. I know what mine are and communicate to ensure our love flourishes.

Mono/Poly relationships are challenging for sure, don't discount that. It's a matter of the pain/pleasure balance. Hope you flourish in your relationship, Take care.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:21 AM.